by Jillian Neal
“It just don’t make any sense to me. You can chase pots of gold for the rest of your life, but that ain’t much of a life, in my book. People take on a whole lifetime from the outside ‘stead a working on it one moment at a time from the inside. There had to be several dozen moments when your daddy and your mama could ‘a done a thousand things differently. When he could of put away his pride. When she could of spoken up about needing him to chill the fuck out and listen to her. When he could of taken up for his kids instead of putting on a show for Lincoln. When both of ‘em could have worried more about what was going on inside than what people on the outside thought. But they just kept reinforcing that cage. Eventually the door slammed and they were trapped.
“I plan to take life on moment by moment from the inside. Just like my daddy and my granddaddy and my great-granddaddy and my great-great granddaddy, before them. Every single moment of every single day I’m gonna love you. Be right beside you. Make babies with you. Be there to raise ‘em up on horseback just like I was raised. Be home every afternoon, put you in my lap and love up on you. And take you to bed every single night and make certain you’re satisfied.
“If there’s something fancy you want, I’ll do my damnedest to get it for you. I don’t want you wanting something you don’t have. But from what I’ve seen the cityfolks ain’t got nothing on that long dirt road that raised me. They mess everything up. Too much stuff, too many people, too much keepin’ up with who’s got what and what they’re doing with it. I don’t give a shit what anyone else is doing. I just have to know my babies are warm, and fed, and content, and loved. That’s all in the world that will ever matter to me. If I convince you to marry me, I ain’t got nothing else to prove but that I’ll love you ‘til my dying breath and that I’ll be waitin’ on you at them pearly gates.”
His vows slipped through her one hearing ear, gently wrapped themselves around her heart, and took up residence in her soul. If there had ever been any doubt at all, it disappeared altogether. She leaned over the console between them and brushed a kiss on the cut on his cheek from his fight with Seth. She’d been through hell since her brother’s death so she certainly recognized heaven when it was laid out right in front of her. And she was going to hold on for dear life.
“When I first met you almost a week ago, you told me you weren’t much for deep thinking. You were wrong. You’re the smartest man I’ve ever met. And I keep telling you I don’t need anything fancy. I’ve lived that life and you’re right, all of the lies everyone tells themselves will never add up to the truth. I think every single thing I never even knew I was searching for is two hours from here in those huge prairies I don’t know much about yet.”
“Then let’s get you home and plant us some roots.”
By the time, Grant parked his truck by the house, she was sound asleep. Unable to believe all they’d been through, he just sat and took her in bathed in moonlight, safe and content right beside him.
Suddenly, nothing else even mattered. Not being arrested, or beating the shit out of her ex, or her daddy being an ornery SOB one minute and then trying to make amends, or her mother’s affair, or the downed corn, and lost cattle, and the debt. Even with all of that, Grant considered himself one lucky bastard.
He gently eased her lax body into his arms and shut the truck door with his shoulder. She roused.
“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I gotcha.” With a sweet sigh, she tucked her head on his shoulder and let him carry her inside.
Easing her out of her jeans, he pulled the covers over them and cradled her on his chest. This would always be the only thing that ever mattered to him.
Chapter Forty
The next morning Grant held her hand while he stared out at blackened ground as far as he could see. Austin and Natalie had burned back the dead corn for him. He supposed he appreciated it. Didn’t make looking at it much easier.
“How long does it take the grass to come back?” Katy asked softly.
“Few weeks.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Ain’t that my line?”
“Not anymore. Can I do anything to help?”
“A week ago this would probably have killed me. Just having you here makes it better.”
“I’m right here. Remember last night when you told me to let you know if you got too big for your buckskins?”
“Yeah.” Grant wondered where this was going.
“If it means what I think it means, then I’m supposed to tell you when you’ve gone from being determined to being stubborn.”
“That works.”
“You might be stretching the buckskins just a little. Why don’t you go talk to your dad?”
“Mama get you to tell me that?”
“You said yourself she’s always right.”
“Yeah, okay. Got something else I need to ask him about anyway. You okay at the house for a little while?”
“I could unpack a few of my suitcases if it’s okay with you. Hope and your mom said they’d take me to the grocery store because you have the saddest refrigerator I’ve ever seen.”
“That mean I ain’t gotta eat Hungry Man meals no more?”
“I don’t know. You gonna ask me to marry you anytime soon?”
“I’ve got plans, sugar, don’t you worry.”
“Thought I might make lasagna tonight. It worked for your grandmother.”
“You ain’t gotta work that hard, but if that’s what you’ve got a mind to do I ain’t gonna try and stop ya.”
Grant located his daddy and his brothers and sisters in the office. Well, at least he wouldn’t have to ask everyone individually.
“Look like you got something on your mind, son.” God love him, his daddy tried to hide his smirk and failed miserably.
“Yeah, I do. First off, thank you for coming to Lincoln last night.”
“They made me stay here,” Natalie fussed.
“That’s just ‘cause you’re ‘bout half a hair less stubborn than Holly.”
Both of his baby sisters glared at him.
“And I didn’t know how long we were gonna be out there and I knew you’d get all the cattle fed this morning,” Ev explained. “You can outride any of the boys and they won’t deny that.”
“I know you were there in spirit, sis. Anyway, I was thinkin’ maybe I’d borrow some money from the joint accounts and buy Abelkopp’s stock and equipment, if it’s okay with all of you.”
“Nope,” Luke shook his head.
That took Grant back. “But I thought you all wanted me to run cattle and give up on the corn?”
“We do, but you ain’t borrowing it. You put a shit ton of money in it so you can have it. None of this borrowing shit.”
“Agreed,” Holly crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes.
“Oh, you know better than to argue now,” Austin chuckled. “She’s about to go cowgirl all over your ass.”
“All right fine. I was also thinkin’ maybe I’d take a little money and buy an engagement ring.”
“You always were smart,” Grant’s daddy offered him his hand and then pulled him in for a hug. “And I already told Abelkopp we’d be out with trucks next week.”
Before Grant could contend with that, his father’s cell phone buzzed. His brow furrowed as he answered. “Hey, Dad, everything okay?”
Sudden tension stirred in the wind. Grant braced for the worst. His brothers and sisters all moved closer together. They felt it too. Ranchers lived by their gut. They always knew. Natalie laid her head on Grant’s shoulder. He brushed a kiss on his sister’s head. Thankful for the first time in far too long that his family was standing beside him, helping him.
“We’re on our way,” his father’s voice was haggard. It chafed at Grant’s soul. Ev ended the call looking like he’d aged ten years in the past three minutes. “They’ve taken Mama to St. Elizabeth’s with heart failure. It … uh … it doesn’t look good. We need to head on.”
The
hours stretched on, timed by the blinking light on the morphine injector. The knot in Kaitlyn’s throat wouldn’t budge. She was a welcomed intruder on his family’s pain that somehow she felt as well. She’d never even met Grant’s sweet grandmother, but she was so thankful that they all had a chance to tell her goodbye as she slowly slipped away.
Glancing from Grant to his brothers to his daddy and granddaddy, it struck her how humble cowboys looked without their hats, how when life was its most ugly and horrible you took off your armor and let it have you because there was nothing else you could do. Grief was a part of life. You never even got a chance to try and negotiate, to beg it not to take what you were so certain you could never live without.
All of the Camden men refused tears. She knew they would come eventually out in the middle of a field when they were all alone, where no one would bear witness to their grief. Stronger than any men should ever have to be.
For the third time that week Grant drove them back to the ranch in the middle of the night. This time Granddaddy Camden rode with them. Too lost to return to his home. He belonged on the ranch anyway.
“So, I’m just going to talk and if you want me to stop, just tell me.” The words took flight from the fissures in Kaitlyn’s heart. “It’s like there’s always this hole right in the middle of your chest. It doesn’t go away. It’s there, and it’s staying. And it hurts. God, it just … hurts so bad. And you can’t run from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. But eventually, you can draw a breath without it stinging the hole. And then you feel guilty about that, but she wouldn’t want you to. Because she wants you to learn to rebuild yourself around the hole, and you don’t want to go back to normal, and that’s okay. You figure out a new normal and that’s okay, too.
“She would want you to do that. I know she would because Keith wanted me to learn to breathe without wishing I wouldn’t. She would want that because she loved you all so much, just like Keith loved us so much. It never goes away but you learn. And then you take another breath, and you take a step forward, and you never ever forget that the hole is there. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. It’s always with you, but you just figure out a way to feel it without letting it consume you. It takes a long time. But you can do it because this family is the strongest family I have ever seen. And I will be right here to help you learn how to take each step you have to take. Grief just sucks but you have to keep on breathing around the hole.” With her words, she knew the way to deal with her brother’s death was to help other people deal with all of life’s blows. That’s what families were supposed to do.
“Grant, son,” his grandfather’s voice was drenched in pain. “If you don’t never do another thing in this life that’s right, know you got life’s most important decision right. And just never let her go.”
Kaitlyn turned in her seat and hugged Granddaddy Camden for all she was worth.
Three days later, Kaitlyn stood in the Camden graveyard between Grant’s sisters watching his shovel dip rhythmically into the dirt. His brothers and fathers and brother-in-law dug beside him. Silent tears she’d swear she never saw as long as she lived marred every face.
Necessary moments no one wanted to live. Her parents stood off in the distance. They’d wanted to show their support. Indie balanced both twins crying in Savana’s hair. Her father stood steadfast beside her.
“I want to help Daddy dig,” J.J. pled with Summer again. Her chin trembled as she shook her head. No one was strong all the time. No one should have to be.
Life would go on, different but the same, the cycle would continue, and for the first time in Kaitlyn’s life she believed that death was a part of life. She both hated that and understood it.
“Feel like getting lost for a good long while?” Grant voice was raw after the casket was lowered into the ground. Kaitlyn threw her arms around him.
“I will go anywhere in the world with you any time, Grant Camden, but the last time you said that to me you got arrested, so maybe just ask me if I’ll go up to the creek with you.”
“Fair point. You wanna go up to the creek with me and my brothers and sisters and live life a little?”
“Sure. But I thought we were helping your granddaddy move into the cottage by the front gates today.” Kaitlyn wondered if his grandfather shouldn’t stay with his parents a few more days just until he could feel the sun and make sense of it again.
“Tomorrow. He don’t want to do it today.”
“I know you’re glad he’s moving back out here. Now we’ll only have to go to Lincoln to see my family.”
“He belongs on the ranch, and if we invite your folks out here enough I can keep you right here, which is where I prefer us to be.”
“Me too.”
There were already a dozen trucks circled up around the creek. The Camdens and their friends were ready to shed just a little of the grief and take a step forward. The spring day seemed to agree. Sunlight glittered across the truck hoods and skated across the lapping water.
Grant helped his brothers arrange logs and kindling in the old firepit.
When he retrieved a bottle of Jim Beam from his truck, Kaitlyn followed him to the pit. “I thought you liked Crown.”
“I do, peaches, but I only build whiskey-bonfires with the cheap shit.” With a wink, he handed her the matches. “The sound and the smell means something good is coming, right?” he asked as she reveled in the spark both from the match and the one in her belly.
“Definitely.”
“Then throw it in, sugar, I’m ready for good stuff.”
The next time Grant took Kaitlyn up to the creek the weather was scorching. He’d rushed his chores but had gotten caught up helping one of their new heifers calve. They were later getting up there than he’d intended.
“You’re awfully quiet. I miss hearing you talk.” She hadn’t stopped grinning all damn day. Prettiest thing he’d ever seen.
“I’m nervous.” He swore he’d never lie to her and he had no intention of starting now.
“Nervous about what?”
“I ‘spect you know, peaches.”
“You don’t have to be nervous.”
“Okay, then I’m excited. Little dizzy to be honest with ya.”
“You usually tell me dizzy is good.”
“Dizzy after I fuck you senseless is good, but this just kinda makes me feel woozy. Guess love does that to a man.” Throwing the truck into park, he hopped out and half dragged her out of the truck. He caught her before she could stumble. “Come on.”
“This is so romantic,” she gushed.
“Pretty sure it’s kinda hillbilly romantic, but it’s the best I could come up with. You love this creek so sit here.” He positioned her on the hitch of his truck right over the scratch she’d left on it with her car.
Hysterical giggles overtook her. He swore there wasn’t a sweeter sound on the planet save maybe her moaning out his name. “This hitch got us in a whole lot of trouble.”
“The best kinda trouble.” He got down on one knee and fished the ring box out of his pocket.
Chapter Forty-One
Grant paced in the waiting room at the auditory therapist’s office in Lincoln. Why hadn’t she just let him go in with her? He should have insisted.
She’d been exhausted lately, and she couldn’t hear him as well. She was so dizzy that morning he caught her before she tumbled face first on the kitchen floor. He’d driven her straight to the doctor. She’d cried all the way. Terrified she was losing more of her hearing and for some reason because they were driving back over the street where they’d first met.
She was losing it. The nurse had been called in fifteen minutes ago. She’d gone in with some kind of supply box and she still hadn’t come out. Desperate for something to do, Grant pulled out his phone and practiced sign language some more. A week ago when she’d first confessed that she wasn’t hearing him as well, he’d started trying to learn.
So far, he had the most important things down. He knew ho
w to tell her he loved her. That was a start.
Ordering himself to be patient wasn’t working. He knocked on the door where they’d taken her and then barged in.
The doctor, the nurse, and his fiancée all snapped to attention.
“Is it getting worse? Just tell me. We’ll figure it out,” he demanded.
The doctor grinned as Kaitlyn nodded her head. “The hearing in her left ear has actually improved since I saw her a year ago. The nerves that were agitated after her brother’s death have soothed and are healing themselves. I would say that’s due to her new home and adoring fiancé. She will never be able to hear out of her right ear, but we’ve known that. There is a great deal of fluid in both ears, however, and that’s why she’s struggling to hear us currently. That, coupled with her dizziness and emotional responses made me curious, since they’re all common signs of pregnancy.”
“We might want to move the wedding to the end of summer instead of this fall.” Kaitlyn beamed at him.
Grant sank down in a nearby chair. “Because you’re …? There’s nothing wrong with your hearing. It’s that you’re gonna …”
“I was thinking maybe if it’s a boy we could name him after my brother, and if it’s a girl we could name her after your grandmother.”