by Mara White
“Because of me?”
“Yeah. Because he’s in love with you and he knows that hitting Robert would hurt you so he didn’t hit him.”
“I’m not sure you can know that, Stephani.”
“What? That Jaylee’s a fighter?”
“Umm, no,” I clear my throat. “That’s he. . .” I can’t even say it.
“That he’s in love with you? Everybody knows that he’s in love with you!”
“That’s ridiculous. Who’s everybody?”
But since she said the words my blood starts to pump again, I’m aware of my heartbeat. I’m spinning at a second-hand declaration of love.
“Everybody. Jaylee, his family, his friends – you know, people in the neighborhood that ask what’s going on. No one’s ever seen him like this before. And believe me, it’s not like nobody ever tried. Girls always been falling all over him, but, like, Jaylee isn’t into that. He’s hard, or at least he used to be. I heard that he likes it really rough in –”
“Please.” I put my hand up to stop her. “Do you know what he did with the money or how much money it was?”
“How am I supposed to know what he did with the money?”
“You seem to know everything else.” Stephani reconsiders her answer.
“Well, I’m not sure, but some people said that he might buy a place in DR for the two of you, for when you and Mr. Champion get divorced.”
“Robert and I are not getting divorced.”
I can’t picture it. The only images that come to mind create a bad caricature. Cinderblock house, hammocks, a palm tree loaded with coconuts. It’s not possible. Maybe if I were twenty. Thirty even. Maybe in my next life.
“If you see Jaylee can you tell him that I need to speak to him? I really do have to go to the library.”
“Sure, Mrs. Champion. It’s none of my business, but if you don’t stay with Jaylee what’s he gonna do?”
“I don’t know. Live his life.”
Stephani looks disappointed that our conversation is over and disappointed in my answer. Maybe I didn’t even need to ask her to have Jaylee contact me. I should just bring the message to the streets and let the incredibly efficient diaspora communication ring do it’s job. I grab my bags and as I head out the door my step is lighter than before. My body is renewed with vigor just hearing about Jaylee. I don’t quite understand whether or not he’s exited my life for good or if he has plans to reappear again. It reassures me just to know that he’s near and that someday our paths might cross again.
The Baruch library closes at midnight and for once I arrive home later than Robert. I can see the light on in our bedroom as I walk down the street. Robert is likely in bed either working on his laptop or if his day has been hectic, he’s reading non-fiction to unwind. I run up the steps and when I put my key in the door I glance down and notice an envelope next to the welcome mat. It looks as if it was placed there by accident. I squat down to pick it up. I hesitate to open it thinking that it’s probably a macabre message from Robert about our failing marriage, that I ruined. Maybe next I’ll discover a packed suitcase in the front hallway. It wasn’t enough to run off my lover and now he wants me gone too.
Inside the envelope there’s a small piece of notebook paper that says simply, me haces falta. The gesture is so tender and sweet to me that I stay crouched over and clutch the envelope to my chest. Why is it so endearing to see his handwriting? For an uncomfortable moment I have an almost maternal yearning for Jaylee. Although, I guess my love for him is similar to the love I hold for my children in that it burns so brightly and fiercely that is causes euphoria. It’s a love that’s also constantly and darkly accompanied by an unbearable terror of loss. I long to hold him and comfort him. How could Jaylee know that I would find his note and not Robert?
Hope is resplendent. Maybe it isn’t over yet. I’ll see him again.
I hold Pearl’s hand and Ada rides on Robert’s shoulders as we walk down to one of the quieter playgrounds on Riverside Drive. Pearl tells me that Carmen showed her how to knit and she wants to go to a yarn store to pick out a project to do on her own. Pearl is so much like me, introverted, a thinker, even a bit of a loner. If she starts sewing at ten, she may never find reason to socialize. Ada is so much more like her father, social, confident, and willful. Ada even looks like Robert, blonde and athletic with long, muscular legs. Pearl is my double, with dark hair, pale skin and a spatter of freckles. Pearl was blonde at Ada’s age too, so maybe Ada will morph more into looking like me as she grows. Everyone tells me they both have my blue eyes.
The playground is swarming with kids, and Robert runs around after Ada while Pearl sits on the bench with me and tells me, in tedious detail, the entire plotline of the latest book she’s reading. I scoot her butt towards me and pull out her messy ponytail and finger comb her hair. I’m spacing out on her wizard babble when she pauses.
“Hey Mom, isn’t that Jaylee over there?”
My mind and body fail me as I become nothing but quickened heartbeat and electrifying anxiety. I follow her gaze and see Jaylee walking down the hill toward us. He’s wearing basketball shorts, a long, white t-shirt and bleach-white tennis shoes.
“It is,” I say trying hard not to reveal the stabbing sensation in my heart.
Pearl raises her arm and casually waves at him. Jaylee returns the gesture with his two fingered salute, never breaking eye contact with me.
“Can I go say hi?” Pearl asks
“Sure,” I quickly glance in Robert’s direction and he is absorbed in kicking a soccer ball with Ada. Watching Jaylee walk down the hill makes my heart swell and my skin turn to gooseflesh. Pearl reaches him, running the last few steps and he grabs her in an enthusiastic embrace. It’s exactly what I want to do, but instead I sit and try to contain my heart in my chest. I childishly hope that he’s here to return the money to Robert. Not because I care about the money but because it seems to have played a role in our separation and I’d give anything to have him back in my life. The electricity in the air spikes with his proximity. I do and say nothing, but hold my gaze steady with his. I tear my face from his to look for Robert. He’s helping Ada climb the ladder to the slide and is unaware of his adversary. It’s hard for me to believe that others can’t feel the palpable heat passing between Jaylee and me.
To my surprise, Jaylee ushers Pearl back towards the playground and passes me, only to sit on a bench in plain view, just a few yards from where I sit. He pulls something out of his pocket and leans forward spreading his legs in a wide V. After a few seconds I realize that he’s scratching lottery tickets. I’m not sure what he’s doing – whether the lottery tickets are some sort of cryptic message to Robert or to me. I’m transfixed by his movement, how comfortable he is in his body, how confidence seems to leak out of his pores. He’s beautiful and I could watch him like this indefinitely. His presence is commanding; it feeds me. Maybe my desire for him is misplaced and instead of wanting Jaylee, what I truly desire, on some level, is to actually be him. Or at least be more like him.
“Jaylee!” Ada squeals from behind me.
Robert’s head whips around at the name. Ada takes off running for a hug. Robert glares at me and I glare back at him. What does he think, that I invited Jaylee here? I’m not that dumb. I stand up and shrug my shoulders at him.
“Want to go?” I ask.
How am I supposed to know how to act? I’m not an expert. I’ve never done this before.
“Take Pearl and go. I’ll get Ada,” Robert barks at me.
I guess ‘things’ are between Robert and Jaylee now, instead of between Jaylee and me. For all I know, Jaylee came to ask Robert for more money. Jaylee is tossing Ada in the air and she’s screeching in delight. Jaylee throws his head back and laughs in response to her enthusiasm. Everyone in the family gets to interact with Jaylee except for me. I grab Pearl’s hand and leave for home without looking back.
“Where are we going?” Pearl asks.
“Home.”
“How come Ada gets to stay with Jaylee?”
“She doesn’t, Dad’s getting her.”
“Mom, is Jaylee your boyfriend?”
“What?” I stop dead in my tracks. “Who told you that? Stephani?”
Big fat tears begin to roll down her cheeks and I wipe them away with the palm of my hand.
“Dad told me,” she says in a sniffled whisper.
I pick her up and carry her like I did when she was little. Her legs straddle my waist and she wraps her arms around my neck. She cries into my hair and I stroke her head. When we reach the house I set her down on the steps. She stares at me, her sad eyes questioning, still blinking back tears.
“Pearl, listen, Both Dad and I love you and your sister very much -”
“Are you getting a divorce?”
“No, baby, there’s really nothing for you to worry about.”
I say it, but I don’t even believe it myself. Things have changed so much this summer. I don’t know how we’ll ever get our old lives back – any of us.
Robert comes storming back a few minutes later, carrying Ada on his shoulders. His strides are long and fueled by anger. He plops her down in front of the stairs and glares at me.
“I’m not doing this. It’s unacceptable,” he says.
“Not in front of the girls,” I counter.
“You’re the one who got the girls involved, not me! Remember?”
He’s right. I am the one at fault. I brought him home to play with the girls. I said he was a babysitter. I selfishly wanted my girls to love my lover. The admission makes me nauseated.
“Pearl, take Ada to swing please,” I say.
She rolls her eyes at me but does as she’s told. Pearl isn’t one to start a conflict.
Whatever Jaylee’s done, he’s taken it too far. Robert is livid and near the breaking point.
“If he ever comes near you or the girls again, I’m taking out a restraining order,” Robert bellows.
“But it’s not like he’s threatened us,” I say making a plea for Jaylee’s case. I don’t need to remind Robert about the legal process.
“I’ll make it happen,” he says.
“Did he threaten you just now? With Ada there?” It sickens me to have any of this played out in front of the children. I can only hope that Jayee didn’t say anything violent in front of my daughter.
“No, he mocked me. Told me he was playing lotto so he could double my money and pay me to stay away from you.”
I resist the urge to smile. I like that Jaylee threw it back in Robert’s face. The preposterousness of buying him out. He challenged Robert’s false sense of security and power that his money brings to him.
“Oh, you find it amusing? Let me tell you, that punk didn’t have any problem taking the money in the first place. Yeah, Kate, his eyes lit up when he saw the check. That’s all you are to him. An easy source of future income.” Robert spits his words venomously at me. “That kid is an opportunist – a snake oil peddler. I bet this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. I’m having him followed. I’m calling Charlie.”
Robert lunges toward the house and the screen door slaps closed behind him.
Maybe I should give Robert’s interpretation some consideration but all I can register is that he gives no credence to the idea that Jaylee is driven by love – or even desire for that matter. Jaylee just wants money and he couldn’t possibly just want me. Robert must not think I’m much of a prize.
I like that Jaylee challenged Robert the way he did. I fight the urge to leap off the porch and go find him. Instead, I need to make sure that Pearl is all right and I should probably try to stop Robert from hiring a private investigator.
CHAPTER 11
Seeing Jaylee at the playground reassures me that he has no intention of exiting my life completely. My mood improves like a switch has been flipped. I’m lighthearted with the girls and even playful with Robert. Carmen tells me that it makes her happy to see me so happy again. If she knew the source of my high spirits she’d certainly change her tune.
He gives two days respite before he contacts me. He sends a text asking if I’d like to see him on Sunday. I reply that Robert is taking the girls to a baseball game on Saturday. He then tells me that he’ll pick me up on Saturday at noon and to bring my suit.
De baño, or birthday? I text back playfully.
Los dos. Jaylee responds immediately.
I have no long term plan for my relationship with Jaylee. I’m aware of how stupid it is to pick up with him again when I know perfectly well that it could – that it will – destroy my marriage. Robert’s told me flat out that he’s over it. I had the perfect opportunity to get out and I chose not to take it. It feels like now I’m addicted to the whole mess – the love, the danger, the sex, the euphoria – I’ll take it until it ruins me, or even worse, kills me. I’m in too deep and I can’t stop myself.
Saturday, after I see Robert and the girls off, I agonize for two hours over the bathing suit. In the last decade I’ve sworn off the bikini, but I can’t imagine being at the beach with Jaylee in a one piece. I try a few on and all of them scream forty-year-old mom. I don’t want to try too hard and look ridiculous, but I’d love to at least look desirable.
In the end, after my mirror torment I decide not to wear a suit at all. I slip on a pair of black yoga shorts and find a black bandeau top that is so old I’m no longer aware of its origins. The result is a sporty bikini-esque ensemble that makes me feel comfortable and sexy. I throw a light-weight white summer dress over the top and grab my flip flops and sunglasses. I find some sunscreen and a towel and throw those into an old beach bag. I’m trying to decide whether or not to bring a book when I hear a horn honking outside. In true Jaylee fashion he’s arrived almost an entire hour early. I peek out the bedroom window that overlooks the street and see he’s driving a truck with a small trailer attached and what appears to be a jet ski fastened under a tarp. I stuff my unruly hair into a high ponytail, throw on my shades and duck out to meet him.
Jaylee jumps out of the driver’s side and comes around to help me into the truck. The cab is blasting Bachata, which is a step up from the Reggaetón, or Dembow as Jaylee calls it, that he usually has playing. Luckily, the driver is gorgeous and quite obviously thrilled to see me. He weaves his fingers through mine and squeezes my hand.
“I want to kiss you, but your man probably got the spies out,” he says.
Desire curls like smoke through my body. With his touch a great relief washes over me, something deep inside me relaxes.
“Kiss me, I don’t care who sees,” I say.
Jaylee leans to me, one hand still grasping the steering wheel and kisses me gently and deeply.
I’ll never be okay without him. I need him in my life.
“I don’t want the summer to end,” I say.
“In DR it doesn’t end, it’s always summer,” he says and squeezes my hand as he pulls away from the curb.
“Is that a jet ski on the trailer? Are you taking me jet skiing?” I can’t hide my excitement.
“I sure am, thanks to your rich husband, who you won’t get rid of.”
“That’s what you bought with Robert’s money?”
It was less money than I’d thought. Robert bought me cheap. The bile rises in my throat when I think of Robert deciding how much he was going to pay.
“This and some other shit.”
I shrug it off but Jaylee senses that there’s something wrong and abruptly double parks on Riverside Drive. He has his arms around me in a matter of seconds. I burst out crying. He rocks me against his chest and strokes my hair hushing me.
“I didn’t trade you for a fucking jet ski, baby. I only took the money because your man was a fucking jackass to give it to me in the first place.”
“It’s not really that. I don’t care that you took the money or what you bought. I think I feel worse that he offered you money. Robert thinks that you’re only interested in my money.”
/> “Why, cause I’m a broke-ass Dominican?”
“Maybe, yes. Something to that effect.”
“Serious, huh? Why you with me, Kate?” he asks.
I look at his face and see that his question is sincere. I guess his interactions with Robert have made him question my own motives. I want to say the right thing. I don’t want to scare him away again.
“I’m with you, Jaylee, because from the moment I laid eyes on you I can’t not be with you.” This is the only way I know how to describe it to him.
“Me too. Or, me neither.” Jaylee’s face breaks into its brilliant smile. “Fuck. You want to just go have some fun today?”
I wipe away the remains of my tears and nod my head.
“Where are we going, to the beach?”
“Nah, Negra, we’re going to El Malecón. 158th Street. But first we gotta go over the bridge and drop the jet ski in New Jersey. They don’t got ski launches in the city.”
“You jet ski on the Hudson?”
“Yup.”
“Isn’t it – I don’t know, extremely gross and polluted?”
“Probably, but that’s how we do. Can’t keep a Dominican away from the water.”
Jaylee tears out of the spot and cranks up the music again. We zip across the bridge and bring the jet ski to Hazard’s launch in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Oscar is waiting for us at the dock when we pull up. When I climb out of the truck he bear hugs me and then quickly kisses me on the cheek and looks sheepish. He seems relieved that Jaylee and I are together again, at least for the afternoon. I assume from his greeting that he and Jaylee are close and that, like Sarah, Oscar takes the brunt of hearing about our tenuous relationship. I was under the impression that Jaylee and I would ride the jet ski back across the Hudson, but apparently that’s Oscar’s job. We’ll meet him back on the other side at El Malecón.
I’m dumbfounded when Jaylee pulls off the West Side Highway at the 158th street exit. There are hundreds, if not thousands of Dominicans, both young and old, congregated in a large parking lot, playground and all along the banks of the Hudson. I see families set up with tents barbequing and groups of young people clustered around cars. Music is playing everywhere and people are dancing, drinking and sure enough, there’s an impressive number of jet ski’s buzzing up and down the river tearing up its glittering surface.