by Mara White
Robert draws me a bath. He stays in the bathroom with me and sits on the rim gently sponging me with soap.
“I want to name my baby and bury him – give him a place to rest,” I say without warning. I don’t even know where my own words are coming from. I don’t know who I am anymore.
“That would only make the process more difficult. I think you need to let go of the idea that this is a baby.”
“If it’s not a baby, Robert, than what is it?”
“Don’t give me that, Kate. I know how pro-choice you are. Let’s not play these games right now. It’s only going to upset you.”
I’m beyond upset right now, Robert. I may never be able to come back from where I’ve gone.
He helps pat me dry and hands me a t-shirt and sweatpants. I can see the profile of my naked body in the bathroom mirror and I can just make out the tiniest gentle swell of my belly. I rest my hand there to comfort him. I try to internally apologize.
Robert packs a small bag with toiletries and extra clothing; he leads me downstairs by the hand. I sit on the couch and hate myself for being so spineless. Robert has me trapped because he’s created a mental picture for me of the baby positioned counter to Ada and Pearl. As if the three of them are an impossibility, as if one cannot coexist with the other. I repeat Sarah’s words to myself. You deserve to be their mom, all three of them if that’s what you want. And deep down I know that I can, even if Robert and my family cut me off entirely. Being a mom is what I’m good at. I would love to be this baby’s mother. I would love to love him.
The abortion is a weapon for Robert. It’s an easy way for him to hurt Jaylee, one where he bears no fault or blame. He would never push me in this direction if the baby were his.
He calls a car from the front hallway, standing just a few feet away from me, the bag of my things at his feet.
“I’m keeping the child, Robert. I won’t go through with it. I’d never forgive myself.”
Robert kills the phone call, looks at me and exhales.
“I thought we’ve been over this already, Katie. I’m not raising his baby.”
“And I’m not asking you to. Claribel has a small apartment downstairs from her and Santiago. I can move in there. I need to be able to see the girls though, Robert. It’s cruel to them too to keep us apart.”
“I don’t want you living in some basement, Katie. I don’t want you alone when you’re pregnant. The child deserves to have a father.”
The front door opens abruptly and Janinie steps right into our decisive conversation. I guess no one in the family knocks. She’s wearing shorts and a t-shirt because finally it’s warm enough and today the sun is shining. She’s so beautiful with her raven-black hair and her brown skin in contrast to her light brown eyes. I’m happy to see her. She eyes Robert up and down with disdain and runs to me. She crushes me in a hug and then kneels down placing her hands gently on my stomach.
“Mi sobrinito!” she says. “I’m so excited! Jaylee told me to come figure out the appointments with you. I’m out of school in two weeks.”
“Robert has already made me an appointment,” I say emotionlessly.
Janinie misses the suggestion in my statement as to what kind of appointment I’m referring to. She scowls at Robert and pouts her lip.
“But I’m supposed to go with her!” she grumps.
“Janinie, you have absolutely no right to walk into my house unannounced like you just did. I’d appreciate a little respect for me and my wife. Frankly, this isn’t any of your business,” Robert responds.
Finally her eyes register the overnight bag at Robert’s feet. She looks to Robert and then to me. She takes in my sweats, my sunken demeanor. She looks dumbfounded by her revelation.
“It’s okay, Janinie,” I say to her. “The baby’s safe. Robert and I were just discussing new living arrangements when you walked in.”
She doesn’t buy it. She narrows her eyes suspiciously at Robert and takes a protective stance in front of me. From the looks of it, Robert is fuming. He doesn’t know how to lose. He can’t tolerate the unexpected turn of events on his perfectly fashioned plan. He won’t accept anything other than a full sweep.
“It’s over Robert. It breaks my heart, but I think it’s really time to just let go.”
“I’ll take the case,” Robert says mechanically.
“What?”
His retort is completely unexpected. At first I think he’s referring to my case. Then it slowly hits me and I swallow hard. “I thought you said it was an open and shut case, a sure fire conviction. I thought you said he didn’t have a chance.”
“He doesn’t – with a court appointed attorney. I can get him acquitted. It’s what I do.”
“If I get rid of the baby?”
He doesn’t answer.
“I’ve acquitted exceedingly more infamous criminals, Kate. As high profile as they come. I get them exonerated. There’s plenty of reasonable doubt. I have access to the best ballistics experts in the county.”
“And I stay with you and pretend none of this ever happened.”
Again he sidelines my question.
“I’ll get him time served, a slap on the wrist misdemeanor. He’ll walk away from the trial a free man. I can even get the record sealed.”
Janinie searches my face, her eyes wild in fear. She shakes her head at me and I put a hand on her shoulder.
“I want it all in writing.”
‘There will be no contact, Kate. Once it’s done, you’re done. I mean it, it’s over. I won’t take anymore.”
EPILOGUE
JAYLEE
It’s hot as fuck out. The heat coming up from the basketball court has me sweating double. It’s hotter than Santo Domingo, hotter than fucking Haiti. I take my T-shirt off, ball it up and shoot a basket with it. I make the basket too, only my shirt doesn’t come down. It gets stuck up there and my boys tear right in giving me shit and laughing – until I hit the fucking ball right out of Flash’s unsuspecting hands and dribble her half-way across the court and dunk my shirt back out. They try to ride me again but aren’t so sharp after watching me drop my skills.
It’s too hot to keep score and we only do when mother fuckers we don’t know are playing our yard. Today it’s me, Flash, Willy, and Nardo, and we all know each other better than we even want to. Those niggas been running with me since they been wearing footie pajamas.
I’m ready to go home and crash ‘til the heat lets up. It’s gonna be a busy night. Nobody gonna want to stay up in they crib after it been cooking in the sun all day long like a hot box. I want to get another shower in before I make my rounds. I tuck my shirt into the back pocket of my shorts. No reason not to let the ladies get a look at the goods.
Then somebody yells ‘Ada’ in English and I turn around because that was my grandma’s name, the one who died like two years ago.
Whoever she is got ‘Ada’ tucked under one arm and the kid is yelling and kicking like a feisty carajito. Her hair is dark and kinda curly and messy, looks like she just got laid. The way she got her kid’s got her shirt pulled up and her whole side showing. Her waist is small but it’s the curve of her hip that does something to me. I wanna run my fingers up and down it, or better yet, my tongue. I wanna bite her there and make her squirm. I can already see myself doing it somehow.
“Yo, let ya’ girl watch. She don’t wanna miss all the action,” I say, trying to get her attention. I can’t tell if she don’t hear me or if she jus’ playing like she don’t. I walk even closer to her and I feel like I wanna touch her, like I gotta make her hear me, like my whole fuckin’ life depends on it.
She adjusts her kid and her shirt rides up even more and I see she got a tat on her hip. Looks like some kind of horseback rider. She’s already passed me but I know I gotta get her attention, some way, somehow.
“Nice tat!” I yell. What a fuckin’ mark. Fucked up my chances already. She’s steady ignoring me or else she got a hearing problem cause that one got all my boy�
�s attention. Now they all looking too. Then she spins around and her eyes find mine. Hers are big and blue and fiery as hell but also kind of sad and lost looking. She’s pissed an I can tell she got a word on her lips but she lost it when she looked at me.
I know how to give a woman the ‘I wanna fuck you’ look. I been doing it ever since middle school. Thing is, I’m giving it to her hard but she’s throwin’ it back at me even harder. The way we’re looking at each other is burning us both up. My body is already begging for her. Her face is the sweetest thing I ever seen and I can’t stop looking. Blanquita with freckles across her nose and cheeks, heart shaped lips and those blue eyes are killing me. She breaks it like she feels guilty for even looking.
The second she turns around it’s like I’m outa breath and I gotta have more. My feet start walking after her like they got a mind of they own.
“Yo, Jay, where you goin’?” my boy Flash yells.
I jerk my chin in her direction. Flash nods like he get it but then says, “Cómo que ‘ta muy señora ya, Mano?”
“Mi señora,” I say smiling.
“Tu ‘ta pasao, Manín!”
My boys whoop it up and throw shade like we do. I turn around and walk backward looking at them but going in the direction she went. I throw my arms up like I’m hard and like I’m more than happy to take all the shit they got to say. I don’t know where she’s going but wherever she goes, I go because just looking at her changed everything for me.
I keep walking backward, my arms thrown up and my fingers spread as my boys ride me harder. I look like I’m flexing but what I’m really doing is praying to God. I’m asking him not to let me lose her. That whatever it was I jus’ felt – I’m praying that she felt it too.
COMING SOON
Dear Readers,
Thanks so much for embarking on this ride with us! Forgive me for the cliffhanger but I couldn’t end Kate and Jaylee’s story any other way.
Look for Fear of Heights: the Heightsbound sequel, coming in 2014!
ABOUT ME
I’m a reader, a writer, and a lover of all things romantic. I’m also a coffee, hot sauce, ink, telenovela and Bikram Yoga enthusiast. I live in New York City with my husband and two children, and I spend a lot of time on the playground.
I’d love to hear from you, so follow me, email me, look me up – reach out!
[email protected]
https://twitter.com/authormarawhite
https://www.facebook.com/heightsbound
marawhite.com
PLAYLIST 1 FOR HEIGHTSBOUND
Created by Leslie de Jesus of Sinistergirlz
http://sinistergirlz.com/blog/
These songs will hopefully give you a taste of the flavor and culture in Washington Heights. If you only have time for one, listen to “Llévame Contigo,” by Romeo Santos because it’s the one I consider to be Kate and Jaylee’s song. -Mara
“Ponte Tu Chaleco” by Secreto el Biberon- in Jaylee’s car on the way to Union City
“Tengo Ganas” (Salsa version) by Victor Manuelle – at the salsa club in Union City
“Ponme to eso pa lante” by El Chuape – on the way back to the city
“Llévame Contigo” by Romeo Santos – at Jaylee’s house when Kate arrives uninvited
“La Noche” by Yoskar Sarante – in the truck on the way to el Malecón
“Corazón Culpable” by Anthony Santos – song that Jaylee sings along with at el Malecón
“Ella quiere cualto” by Jowsa in da house – with Jaylee’s group of friends at el Malecón
“Ella le gusta los tigeres” by Doble T y El Crok – in Oscar’s car the night Kate gets kicked out
“Te Prendo” by Chimbala – outside the park house bathroom
“Corazón sin cara” by Prince Royce – on the way to 171st St.
“El Malo” by Aventura – in Oscar’s car on the way to Passaic, NJ
Also check out Leslie Grace’s version of “Will You Still Love me Tomorrow?”