The rest of her life was going to be dance-free.
Jay-Tee felt her eyes water again. She wiped at them. Nope. She was not going to turn all waterworky again. Enough of that. Not using any more magic meant that she had a future—a bat-shit crazy future, but still, a future. All she had to do was sit back and wait for the loopiness to begin. Yay, Jay-Tee. Yay, future. Yay, insanity.
If only she’d kissed Tom properly, not just a peck. Making out would’ve taken the edge off her hopeless mood. Would’ve steered her clear of despair. Would’ve been fun!
Her timing sucked. She shouldn’t have tried to mix God and kissing. How dumb was that? She wondered if Tom had ever kissed a girl before. Probably not. From what she’d seen so far, Australians seemed kind of backward.
6
Light and Dark
As I lay in bed, Jennifer Ishii’s sadness settled over me, heavy and cloying. She thought I was someone who had to be looked after, felt sorry for. I shivered. I wasn’t going to lie around waiting for the Jennifer Ishiis of the world to set things to rights. I could do that myself.
I jumped out of bed, went to the walk-in wardrobe, pulled on the blue jumper Danny had bought me over my T-shirt, slipped on the blue-and-silver shoes, and grabbed the rest of the winter clothes I’d need. All of them from Danny, which felt right: I was going to New York City to see Danny and tell him about our baby. Jennifer Ishii said I didn’t have to do everything myself, look after everyone. Danny would help me with the baby.
I slid my ammonite into my pocket, and the pants Tom had made for me shimmered around the stone as it made contact with the soft fabric. Magic reaching to magic. I blinked and the ammonite glittered, a tiny speck of glowing dust amidst the hazy glow of Tom’s pants.
Magic everywhere, but none of it as strong as mine.
8
The kitchen was empty. No Tom, no Jay-Tee. I put my hand on the door to New York City. It moved under my hand, rippling like water, but not angrily as it had when Raul Cansino had tried to force his way through; the door didn’t mind my touch.
With my eyes closed, the door became 610 tiny smudges of light woven together with near-microscopic filaments. The sixteenth Fibonacci. Sarafina would like that.
I turned the handle and it swung open to reveal New York City, gray and dim and claustrophobic. I paused between the two cities. Behind me was the intense summer light making the metal coffeepot on the stove gleam: in front, two women walked by, so swamped in clothing that I couldn’t tell if they were skinny or fat, black or white.
I pulled on the coat Danny had given me, buttoning it up high, pulled the hat down low, and wriggled into the gloves before shutting the door behind me. My door now, not just Esmeralda’s. I could open it without the key too.
When I blinked, my vision was crowded with thousands of lights. New York City glittered with magic. So much more beautiful than the drab New York my open eyes saw.
The snow that remained on the street was dirty, grey, and broken up. Its smooth whiteness was gone, making the city uglier than it had been. At least Sydney had flashes of colour from the flame trees in bloom and the rainbow lorikeets flittering by. New York City looked barren. I watched my breath turn into puffs of condensation; the air tasted metallic.
A yellow car approached. A taxi, I remembered. I held my arm up the way I’d seen Jay-Tee and Danny do. Like magic, the taxi stopped. I opened the door and slid inside.
“Where to?” the cab driver asked. He had lots of matted hair piled up under a yellow, red, and green hat.
“The West Village,” I said. “The West Side Highway.”
“Any particular place on the highway?”
“I’ll know it when I see it.”
He looked back at me in the rear-view mirror, like he was going to say something else, but then he nodded and drove off.
There were lots of cars out on the street, most, but not all of them, yellow. There were buses too, and small trucks, people on the footpaths. The last time I had been in a cab had been with Danny. Before we’d had sex, before we’d made the baby growing inside me. How many cells would it have this soon after conception? Sixteen? Thirty-two?
When I saw Danny’s building, I told the driver to stop. I paid him with the thought of money in my hand. He thanked me.
8
I pressed the buzzer. The doorman, Naz, let me in. He sat behind his shiny desk with the high counter, a large grin on his face.
“Hey, Reason. How you doing?” He tilted his head and screwed up his eyes. “Are you wearing new make-up? You look kind of different.”
“Thanks,” I said, wondering if he could tell that I was pregnant. I could see the tiny traces of magic coiled through Naz’s darkness. Not enough to be pretty. “How are you going?”
“Can’t complain. Night shift again, which kind of blows. Hey, but it’s better than not working, right?”
I nodded.
“So I thought you went back to Australia already.”
“Not yet.”
“New York too cool to leave, yeah?”
I nodded, opened my mouth to ask about Danny, blushed, and closed it.
“You here to see Danny boy?”
I nodded, feeling very stupid. “Is he home?” I asked in a much smaller voice than I wanted.
“Yup. And he’s alone too, which can be kind of rare.” Naz winked as if he knew about Danny and me. I didn’t know what to say. We’d only been together once. Did Naz mean that Danny had other girls he liked? Lots of other girls? What was he going to say when I told him I was pregnant? Would he not want to be with me anymore?
“He just got in. I’ll buzz him.”
“That would be great. Thank you.”
He pressed something out of my sight behind the desk. “There you go. Danny’s sending the elevator down.”
On the word down, the elevator chimed and its doors opened. I walked across, turned back to wave at Naz, and then got in. The lift lurched into life without me pressing any buttons.
“Hi, Reason,” Danny said, when the doors opened. His hair was damp. He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans. I could smell his cleanness.
“Hi,” I said.
“Your eye looks a lot better than last time I saw you.”
I touched it. I’d forgotten I’d ever hurt it.
“Good timing. I just got back from a game and I’m about to take off again.” He nodded at a suitcase sitting near the door.
“Huh,” I said. I’d forgotten how beautiful Danny was. His eyelashes were long, thick, and curved up towards his eyebrows. “You’re going away?”
“Yup. I’m going to see Julieta.”
“You’re going to Sydney?”
Danny nodded. “I fly out tonight. I’m all packed and ready to go. I figured I’d surprise her.” He paused to look at me. “You think that’s a good idea?”
“You’re going all the way to Sydney?” I tried to imagine Danny in Esmeralda’s house. I failed.
He smiled and the smile got into his eyes. It made him even more beautiful. “Well, that door of yours doesn’t work for me, remember? So you think Julieta will like the surprise?”
“I guess,” I said. I was wondering what would happen if Danny got there and she was already dead. How long did it take to fly to Sydney from New York? “I’m sure she’d love it. She misses you.”
He smiled wider. “Good. I’m glad. So how come you’re back in the city?”
“I, um…” I said, not ready to just blurt it out. “It’s sort of complicated.”
“Do you need somewhere to stay? If you want, you can stay here while I’m gone. Are you okay?” he asked, and I couldn’t help watching the way his lips moved. I blushed. I’d kissed that mouth. “Julieta said you got home fine. And that old guy is dead and won’t bother you anymore. That’s true, right?”
“Yes, he’s dead,” I said. “And I’m fine.” I wasn’t sure if either statement was true.
“So, ah, why are you back in the city? Things haven’t gone wrong
with your grandmother, have they?”
“No, no. Esmeralda’s been great. Not so evil after all.” But still not entirely good either.
“Well, that’s good. Should I give you the keys? You really can stay if you need to. Thing is, though, I gotta shoot pretty soon. Plane to catch.”
“Right, uh, thanks.” In my Cansino vision he was invisible. It was like he didn’t exist. I almost told him how lucky he was…not to be magic.
“You want something to drink? I got soda. You like Coke?”
“No, thanks.”
“Huh. Jay-Tee said you’ve got a lot more magic now. That you’re some kind of superhero? What’s that like? You don’t look any different.”
“Um.”
“You do know what a superhero is, right?”
“Um.”
Danny laughed. “Superman? Batman? Flying, fighting bad guys. Stuff like that.”
“I can’t fly,” I said. Though I had no idea if I could or not. I hadn’t tried.
“Well, that’s something. That shit would be too weird.” He smiled at me, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t imagine us doing any of the things we’d done. I blushed to think of going into his bedroom, touching him. How had I been able to do that? I blushed again.
“So, uh, what was that complicated thing you wanted to talk about?”
“Er.” I shook my head, wondering how to go about telling him. It was so strange. This was a person I’d touched. My skin had been naked against his. He had been inside me. Why couldn’t I talk to him without blushing?
“You sure you’re not thirsty?”
“Positive.”
“Well, I am. D’you mind?”
“No. I mean, do you have time? How long before your plane leaves?”
“I got fifteen minutes before the car gets here,” he said, walking across to the kitchen area. “Time enough for a beer.”
I sat down on one of the stools and watched him take one out of the fridge. I could see the muscles in his arms. Strong and beautiful. He smelt good, too. I wondered what our child would be like. As dark as me, or a shade lighter, like Danny? I hoped it would have Danny’s eyelashes. His mouth too. If our child was human, that was. If it didn’t come out looking like old man Cansino.
Neither of us said anything for a while. He sat sipping his beer and drumming his fingers against the table, like the basketball game hadn’t gotten rid of enough nervous energy.
My nervousness multiplied. Danny wasn’t going to be happy to hear about the baby. Especially when I told him I couldn’t be sure it would be human.
“So, uh, Reason? There’s some stuff I have to talk to you about too. Other than Julieta, I mean. Well, it’s sort of got some to do with Julieta, of course.”
“Yes?”
“But you can tell me your thing first if you want.”
I blushed. “I don’t mind.”
He took another sip of his beer. “Well, you know I like you, right?”
I nodded, suddenly afraid of what he was going to say. He wasn’t looking at me.
“So it’s my fault. Totally my fault. I accept that and I feel really, really bad, ’cause you’re a nice kid and, ah, it was, you know, ah…You sure you don’t want something to drink? Soda? Water?”
“I’m sure.” What did he think was his fault?
“You got any thoughts?”
“Thoughts?” I had lots of them. But mostly I just wished I knew what he was talking about.
“About what I’m saying?”
“Well, um, I like you too?”
Danny looked down. “Well, that’s good, seeing as how you and Julieta are getting real close. Like sisters, she said. Um, is that how you feel about her? Like a sister?”
“I guess.” I’d never had a sister before, but then I’d never had a friend either. It had always been just me and Sarafina. Other people were there to work for; or buy water, food, and supplies from; or tell us if the flood levels had dropped and we could cross the bar up ahead. Money, food, and information, but not friendship. “It would be nice to have a sister.”
“It’s great that you and Julieta are friends. She’s been through a lot, you know? Our dad was real rough on her. And, well, you’re the first friend she’s had in a long time, so that’s great and I’m really happy. I don’t want her to lose a friend. I need to know that you’re going to stay friends with her.”
“Of course, Danny. Why wouldn’t I?” My stomach felt weird. I wondered if I was going to chunder again.
“Well, right, yeah. See, that’s the thing. I do, you know, I do like you. You’re a great kid. But you’re young. Really young. You’re only fifteen! I’m eighteen, Reason.”
“That’s only three years—”
“It’s a big difference. Trust me. And…” He took another long sip of his beer, finished it, and then crumpled the can in his left hand, flattening it into a metal disc. He wasn’t acting as though he liked me, more like he wished I’d go away. “What happened was nice, but it was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to be starting college and you’re still in high school—”
“No, I’m not. I’ve never been to high school.”
“Right. I forgot. Well, you know, you should be in high school. So should Julieta. It’s what I want for her. It’s what Dad wanted: for her to be educated, make a life for herself—”
“She’s dying,” I said. “She doesn’t have much of a life left.”
Danny stood up abruptly, opened the fridge, pulled out another beer can, but instead of opening it, he held the can against his cheek. He looked like he might cry.
“She has hardly any magic left. Esmeralda tried to save her, but…” The Cansino magic hadn’t worked for her because she wasn’t a Cansino. She had only the normal kind of magic, and it was almost gone.
“And she’s there,” Danny said, “and I’m here.” He glanced at his watch. “But not for much longer. Soon I’ll be on the plane. I’m even gladder I’m going now. If she doesn’t have much time, I have to be there. She’s my sister.”
I nodded. I felt the same about being separated from Sarafina.
He looked across at me, met my eyes. “I keep thinking that it’s not true, you know? When I talk to her on the phone she’s Julieta: full of spunk, buzzing. Not dead girl walking at all…” He rolled the can across his forehead then back again. “You’re sure she won’t get mad at me for coming to visit? I really need to be with her, you know?”
“She’ll be happy. You can stay at Esmeralda’s. It’s a really big house.”
“Right,” he said. “Shit. I totally forgot about that. What’s the address? Hang on a second.” He dashed into his bedroom and returned with paper and a pen.
I told him and he wrote it down. “Great,” he said. “Glad I got that sorted out. Coulda been awkward on the other end. And you understand about us, then? That’s cool with you?”
I blinked. Danny wasn’t there. And then he was, looking at me, waiting for me to say yes. “What’s cool?” I asked. The small voice had come back, was pretending it was mine. “You coming to stay with us?”
“Well, yeah, that, but also, you know, the other thing, the you-and-me thing.”
I stared at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying, but he was as elliptical as Raul Cansino. I hadn’t told him about the baby yet; he couldn’t be saying what it sounded like he was saying.
“It’s too awkward, Reason, what with you being Julieta’s best friend, you so young and all. We can still be friends, you know? You can think of me as a big brother.” He winced. “Well, maybe not. But forget about the other thing, okay?”
“The other thing? You mean sex?” I stared at him, openmouthed, then closed it in case he thought I wanted to kiss him.
“Anyway, I’m not really into the girlfriend thing, Reason.”
The girlfriend thing? Danny was saying he didn’t want to kiss me again, or touch me, or have sex with me. I blushed. Furious with myself for not being able to control the
blood underneath my skin.
Had he ever wanted me? How could I have kissed him in the first place when he didn’t want me to? But he had kissed me. He had touched me all over! He had helped make the baby inside me. I hadn’t even told him about the baby and he was rejecting me.
Danny’s big brown eyes were staring back at mine. He was a very handsome man. A very handsome man who didn’t want me or our baby.
Was that what had happened to Sarafina? She’d slept with a man once and then he’d told her to go away? She always said that she hadn’t told him about getting pregnant, that it had been her choice to never see him again. But what if she had? And he said no and that was why I didn’t have a father? My dad hadn’t wanted my mother; why would he have wanted me? I didn’t have a father, and now my child wouldn’t have one either.
There was a buzzing sound. Danny picked up the phone next to the lift. “Car’s here,” he told me. “Can I give you a ride somewhere?”
I nodded and gripped the ammonite in my pocket to keep my voice steady. “Back to the door would be good.”
“Sure,” he said, picking up his suitcase.
He didn’t want me.
The pain inside me was sharp, but it burned too. My eyes stung.
I closed them, let Cansino’s world surround me. The pain went away. Everywhere was the light of magic. It was beautiful here, and safe. I could hear Danny talking to me from the other world, but his voice didn’t hurt me at all.
I could see the sixteenth Fibonacci that was the door to Sydney. I saw other sets of magic light wound together with filaments. I wondered if they were doors too. And if they were, where they would go.
I would stay in Cansino’s world, I decided. But first I would endure the short ride with Danny, and then I would finally rescue Sarafina and bring her into Cansino’s safe haven of mathematics and lights. She was a Cansino, after all.
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