“I am not interested in making you suffer. That is where we’ve been. How would I have any assurance that I won’t just be extending this misery, for both of us.”
“Will my promises mean anything to you?”
She wasn’t sure they would. Promises were cheap in the heat of the moment when intentions were strong; living them every day, that was hard. She shook her head and got a bitter smile in return. He didn’t say anything more, just stood there for a while, watching her before turning away. He was gone before she knew what to do with herself. Her lips still burnt from the kiss and tears were spilling down her cheeks.
Isobel rushed into the room. “I love my nephew, but he is an odious man. What did he do?” she said once she’d taken a look at Adele, who was still staring after the empty space where he’d been.
Chapter 30
Adele walked the whole of Hyde Park. Distress forbade her from stopping. She didn’t know where she was going; she didn’t know how she was feeling. Lysander’s assertions reverberated through her mind. It was so incredibly unfair, making her responsible for his happiness or misery. Isobel had tried to get her to sit down and talk, but she couldn’t—she needed to move, and she needed to be alone.
He’d said he loved her. Could that even be true? She knew what he was talking about when he’d said their intimacy was more than he’d expected it to be; it was for her too—scarily so. It was the reason she couldn’t contemplate staying in this marriage. With intimacy and protestations of love, his ability to hurt her was so much greater.
Taking a seat on a bench, she forced herself to calm down. This distress wasn’t good for the baby. Her hand stretched over her still flat stomach. He’d stated he wanted his family and Adele winced, knowing she was robbing him of that if she forced him to divorce her. Why did everything have to be so hard?
Rubbing her toe along the gravel she smiled at the irony—he was giving her everything she’d ever wanted, but at a time when she was ready to finally leave it all behind. But was she running away or was she running to; she wasn’t even sure. She just wanted peace—but she wasn’t going to get any if she was responsible for Lysander’s misery. Or was she just scared of what he was proposing? What was she scared of? She knew the answer, but she didn’t want to verbalize it.
She couldn’t run away. Whatever her decision was to be, she had to make it with her eyes open, conscious of the consequences—otherwise she’d never truly be happy or settled in her future.
She hated the fact that he’d left this decision all up to her. It was a tough decision and there was still an answer she was missing, and she had been honest about it—she had loved him, but did she still—even as she had been trying to put distance between them at every possible opportunity? Maybe that was proof that she did—because what would happen if she didn’t maintain the distance?
Isobel respected her need for time and privacy, telling Adele that she was available to listen if she needed to discuss something, and reiterating what a lout her nephew was. Adele appreciated the gesture, but truthfully, she wasn’t ready to talk yet.
Lying down on her bed, Adele tried to clear her mind of the jumble in there, but the demanding questions wouldn’t leave her alone. His kisses melted her and he’d proven that point. Closing her eyes, she felt the touch of his lips on her; the trail of his fingers down her body—the heat inside her quickening.
She tried to imagine what it would be like to live with him as she had Samson—sleeping in the same bed, enjoying each other’s bodies in calm knowledge that they were devoted to each other. She’d had stolen passion with Lysander, forbidden touches to secure this child. It was that intimacy that was causing all the trouble now—Lysander wanted more. Apparently he’d discovered something profound and precious, and now he wasn’t letting it go. She’d lied when she’d said it was just sex, because to her it had been the culmination of a decade’s worth of want and need—the distant ghost made real for a few short nights. Surely that was what he was reacting to—a sense of passion found in a rare occurrence. Rarity did not make for satisfaction over a longer period.
He’d said he loved her. That bothered her more than anything. If it wasn’t true, he had no right saying it. If it was...
She got up from the bed again, stirred by a sense of deep agitation. This would not do; she wasn’t getting a moments peace. He’d come and left her with lasting torment.
Briskly, she walked to the door and down the stairs.
“Adele,” Isobel called, appearing at the door of the salon as Adele was asking for her coat to be retrieved. “Where are you going?”
“I have to speak to him.”
“Are you sure that is a good idea?”
“No. But it’s the only thing I can do at the moment. He comes here and rips my mind and my heart into pieces, and then just leaves. That is not fair and it isn’t right, and I won’t let him do it to me anymore.” Adele was mixing up her thoughts and speech, which probably gave Isobel a strange interpretation of what she was saying, but she couldn’t worry about that right now.
Adele was out the door, greeted by the chill air, which was cooling further now that the sun was starting its descent. She marched to Lysander’s house, letting her feet take her in a brisk pace down the streets, catching him as he was stepping out of his house, about to leave. “Are you going somewhere?” she demanded.
“I was, but come in.” He closed the door behind them and Jamieson discreetly disappeared. “I wasn’t expecting you.” Stepping back, he crossed his arms in front of him as Adele paced—perhaps because he perceived that she wanted to hit him.
“I’m not responsible for you,” she said.
“Yes, you are.”
Adele regarded him through narrowed eyes. They’d already had this conversation, but she wasn’t ready to let it go. “Look,” she said. “We had some nice nights with intimacy—nice intimacy. That is not a reason to extend this marriage.”
“Well, I’m in love with you now.”
“No, you’re not. You ignored me to close to a decade and now, at the last moment, you decided that you’re in love with me. Don’t you recognize how childish that seems? Why would I forgo a happy future to dabble with your emotional wobble? You’ve never wanted this marriage.”
“I admit it. I did everything wrong. I placed you in the country and pretended you didn’t exist.” Adele kept pacing, then turned abruptly and hit him, repeatedly, until he’d had enough and forced her arm behind her back, bringing her to him. Adele struggled in his grip, but he wouldn’t relent. “I blamed you for everything, and yes, it was unfair.”
“Why should I trust you now?”
He was quiet for a moment and Adele searched his eyes, trying to understand the truth of him. “Because I’m asking you to.”
“Are you just upset at losing something that you see as a possession?”
He let go of her, a look of disappointment on his face. “I was hoping you’d give me more credit than that. If that is what you think of me, then ask me to sign the petition.” She stared at him, a knot of uncertainty in her chest. “If there is no future here, then just do it.”
Adele felt her heart twist and her eyes tear. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. “If I leave, will you be fine?”
“Do you want me to lie to you?” Adele tried to pull away, but he kept her still. “I am fighting for my marriage here. What do you expect me to do?”
“Why?”
“Because we are good together. It’s taken me years to realize it. Because we’re having a child. Because I crave you when I’m not with you. I crave you when I am with you. Because you’re all I think about.”
“Your reputation will suffer if you stay with me.”
“I will suffer if I don’t. And so will you.” His grip tightened, making her pull herself up straighter, bringing her head up to him. His eyes traveled to her lips. “I will just have to prove my steadfastness,” he said. “The option is there for you. The petition is on my desk—i
t will stay there for you if you wish. Just give this a chance.” He moved closer. Adele could feel his breath on her lips, and she closed her eyes as his lips slowly made contact with hers. True to her form, she melted into the embrace and his grip on her wrist slipped away as he deepened the kiss, instead moving to the small of her back, pressing her to him. The kiss lightened again and his tongue playfully stroked along her sensitive lips. Pulling away his eyes were drunk with desire. “Please, Adele, don’t be cruel.”
His eyes traveled lower along her neck, showing clearly where he wanted his mouth to be. Keeping his eyes locked on hers, his hand snaked down to the button of her jacket, and she felt it give way as he undid it, then his hand roaming over the material covering her hip. Heat unfurled deep inside her.
She didn’t know whether he was manipulating her with her desire for him, but she certainly wasn’t immune to it.
“This is a serious decision,” she said as she tried to clear her mind of the desire that was taking over.
“Very serious,” he said and leaned down, kissing her on the side of the neck.
“You’re seducing me.”
She could feel him smiling against the column of her neck before he resumed the kisses which threatened the stability of her knees. His hand moved higher, to cup her breast. “I love that you’re not wearing a corset,” he said, teasing the painfully tight bud until she moaned with exquisite delight. His other hand sought its way under her skirt and into her petticoat, until reaching the skin of her thigh.
“Lysander,” she said in a breathy voice.
“Yes, my dear?” His hand moved around her bare backside, pressing her closer to him. She felt his hardness to her front.
It was meant as an objection, but now she couldn’t remember why. Stepping back, he pulled her with him into his study and closed the door firmly behind them. Adele felt a glorious shock of friction as the desk stopped her backward movement, pushing her closer to his hard body. Reaching down, he lifted the material of her dress over her head, having undone the buttons at the back along the way.
As she leant back across the desk, he groaned contentedly. Her thighs coming up around him and his hands traveled along her legs, reaching her boots to undo their ties and letting them drop to the floor. Adele lay back and watched him as he finished undressing her. Her body was on fire and she couldn’t stop this even if she wanted to. She wanted him inside her, deeply lodged, joining them together.
“I should have done this a long time ago,” he said, his fingertips running along her bare stomach, sending sensations flowing throughout her body. Leaning in, she felt the friction of his hips to hers, but he was still dressed. She couldn’t take any more of this teasing. “I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’m not letting go now. You’re my wife, Adele, and you belong here with me.”
At that she would agree with anything he said, but she had to admit that his words drove the heat in her, reducing her to short, sharp breaths as she waited for him. Placing her calf around his hip, she pulled him closer to her, hearing his sharp intake of breath, and brought her knees further apart in an undeniable invitation to her body.
His hips firmly lodged against hers, he undid the buttons of his waistcoat and shirt, revealing the smooth skin and firm muscles of his broad chest. Adele watched him as he undressed, feeling utterly wanton. Gone were all questions if this was the right thing, or if she trusted him—right now she didn’t care; she wanted him with every base instinct in her.
Her eyes took in every detail as he undid his breeches, revealing his hardness. She really couldn’t wait anymore and angled her hips to receive him, being rewarded by glorious sensations as he pushed into her, leaving her with a feeling of fullness and completion.
In all her years of imagining being with her husband, she’d never quite imagined it being quite so wanton, but she wasn’t complaining—this was a new level of experience, beyond anything she’d known, and along the way, the guilt and confusion seemed to have dissipated.
A thrill of pleasure shot through her as he pushed into her completely, making her wince with the intensity of it. How could she possibly contemplate living without this? Pulling back, he pushed into her again. She couldn’t breathe, but needed the sensations more than she needed breath. Her body arched into the movement, eliciting every ounce of sensation from their coupling. Painful tension filled her as he drove her body onto new heights. Powerful waves washed through her, drowning her in pleasure as he thrust into her one last time, grinding them together as if to fuse them. Sharp jerks stole through him as he shuddered through his release.
Adele wasn’t sure she could move when the world started to resemble itself. Her legs felt like they had great big weights attached, and her body was drained, too tired to move—as was her heart.
Lysander was leaning over her, breathing heavily as his lower arms took much of his weight. “I hope you don’t have somewhere you need to be tonight, because that was just a prelude.”
Smiling, Adele brought her arms up around his head, holding him to her chest, but a look of concern stole into her eyes. Closing her eyes, she just held him, acknowledging the beat of her rejoicing heart. Her heart belonged to him—it always had. Being separated from him caused her pain. She was at her happiest when they were getting along, like in Venice and before, when they were here in this house, just getting along and ignoring all the difficult questions that sought to drive them apart.
“Would you really divorce me if I asked you to?”
“Well now, I know how to distract you,” he said with a sly grin, leaning over and kissing her. Adele closed her eyes as the kiss contacted, sweetness stealing through her mind. She groaned in loss as he pulled away. She sighed in resignation.
More of his weight came down on her chest and he traced the curves of her brow gently with his finger. “I am asking you to give this everything. I’m asking you to trust me, and I fully acknowledge the past and all the mistakes I made. But I want us to be together, properly. Please be my wife, Adele.”
Adele sat up abruptly, making him lean back and step away. “Lysander, I...” she started, pulling her dress to her to cover her nakedness. Lysander looked disbelieving and hurt as he stared back at her. “I’m not sure I’m the one you want to be with. I know how you reacted to that woman at the opera. You loved her. Are you sure you’re not turning your attention to me because of convenience. If she is the one you love, you should be with her.”
“Nothing between us has ever been convenient, Adele. And yes, I did care for her a long time ago, when I was young, but she’s not what I want. I want us. I want what we could have.”
“You’ve hurt me so very much,” she started and he stepped forward, cupping her face in his hands.
“I know I did and I’m so sorry. I want you to trust me, but it’s going to require a leap of faith on your part. I’m here to catch you, but I can’t do it for you.”
Adele looked into his earnest eyes. She wanted to believe him with everything in her. “And you won’t bury me in the country again?”
“Not unless you take me with you.”
A vision of a happy future filled her mind. She wanted it so desperately, but she would have to trust him, and be utterly devastated if he wasn’t true. Strictly, he had never lied to her, but the stakes were so very high in trusting him. But then could she walk away from this—knowing what he’d proposed? The answer was no. She would be stuck in the moment forever if she did, given no peace.
Slowly, she nodded, her insides a turmoil of fear and hope—the hope growing stronger. A broad smile spread across his face. “Well then, wife, I think we need to retreat upstairs so I can give you an official welcome home. I think I need to ensure that you will never have the heart to leave again.”
Epilogue
Watching his wife, Lysander sat at the small mosaic table in the shaded patio of their rented house in Cairo, where they liked to hide from the midday heat. The three story house had arched walkways facing the patio in the
center of the house. They’d lived there for four months, exploring the city and the surroundings. Adele smiled as she watched her eighteen-month old son with the Egyptian cook’s ten-year old daughter.
“Perhaps it’s time to move on,” he suggested, bringing his wife’s attention to him. Reaching out for him, she let her fingers entwine with his. “Where should we go? Athens?”
“In her letter, Mrs Callisfore said Jerusalem was marvelous.”
“They both have appeal, but I think my interests are taking me more to Greece.”
“Are we ready to start making our way back to England?”
“I don’t know,” Lysander said, looking away. “I want us to be thoroughly bonded before we go back.”
Adele smiled and stroked the side of his head with her palm. “I don’t think that is an issue.”
“I just want your memories of us being together to be stronger than the memories from before.”
“You know I don’t care where we are, but saying that, I think we are ready to face the challenges of London.”
Grabbing Adele’s wrist, he kissed her palm. “I love you.”
Adele still blushed every time he said it. “Now, Athens? How shall we travel? Timmy does adore a ship,” she said, looking over at her son. “We will have to see Delphi, of course. Oh, and maybe Corinth. We could also look at going to Constantinople—wouldn’t that be exciting!”
Leaning back in his chair, Lysander smiled at her exuberance. Adele loved planning travel as much as she did actually experiencing it. He would let her indulge in planning for a few weeks before he booked their tickets. Their life in London could wait. It wasn’t going anywhere.
Other Books by Camille Oster
Defying a Pirate - Jane Burrows knows that the corporate environment is difficult to navigate at the best of times. It is especially difficult when the important account lead hates the very sight of her. Damon D'Arth is a corporate warrior who knows his way around the politics in the world for major infrastructure. Jane needs to stand up for herself and her mentor's interests.
An Absent Wife Page 20