Jake winced as though he were the one in pain. “I’ve never heard of having pain where there’s no limb.”
“Guess most amputees experience it to some degree. It’s supposed to get better in time, but I’m not holding my breath.” Wayne shifted in his wheelchair. “My back’s been hurting ever since the accident, too.”
“Have you been to see the chiropractor?”
“Nope. Figured it would quit hurting on its own, but if it doesn’t get better soon, I’ll probably go in.”
“That’s a good idea.” Jake cleared his throat a couple of times. “I ... uh ... went over to see Loraine awhile ago. I was surprised when she said you and she had been dating. I ... uh ... had no idea you were interested in her.”
“Loraine was really hurt when you left the way you did, and if you’d continued writing to her, you would have known.” Irritation bubbled in Wayne’s soul. “ ’Course if you’d continued writing, then she probably never would have turned to me.”
“I know what I did was wrong, but I can’t undo the past. I just want Loraine to be happy.” Jake tapped one finger along the edge of his chin. “She said you and she were engaged to be married.”
“That’s right, we were.”
“What do you mean were?”
“After the accident, I broke our engagement.”
“How come?”
Wayne motioned to his stump. “Thanks to losing this, I won’t be able to farm anymore, which means I can’t provide a decent living for us. That’s why I called off the wedding.”
Jake’s eyes widened. “Loraine never said a thing about that. She made it seem like a wedding was being planned.”
Wayne shrugged. “Guess she doesn’t want to accept the fact that I’m a cripple and that I’m not going to be able to support her.”
“But won’t you be getting a prosthesis?”
“Maybe. If I decide to go that way.”
“I’m sure you’ll be able to do lots of things you used to do once you get an artificial limb.”
“Maybe so, but it’ll slow me down considerably. Besides, my daed’s already leased out our land so there’s nothing for me to farm.”
“What’s he going to do if he doesn’t farm?”
Wayne glanced up at the wall where a mounted deer head hung over the fireplace. “He’s opening his own taxidermy business.” He grunted. “Pop wants me to learn the trade and go into business with him.”
“Might not be a bad idea. Sounds like an interesting trade if you ask me.”
“So, what brings you back to Indiana?” Wayne asked, changing the subject. He didn’t want to talk about Pop’s new business. “Are you here to stay, or did you come for a visit?”
“I may be staying—I don’t know yet. I came back because I found out about the van accident. I was concerned about you and the others, and I wanted to see for myself how everyone was doing.”
More than likely it was Loraine you were concerned about, since the two of you used to date, Wayne thought ruefully. “So what were you doing while you were gone so long?” he asked.
“I was working at a horse ranch in Montana.”
“I heard something about that but figured you’d be back long before now.”
“I would have, but—” Jake’s voice trailed off and he stared at the floor.
Several minutes went by before Jake finally stood. “Guess I’d better get going. I still need to visit the Lehmans and Yoders and offer them my condolences. Then I’ll probably swing by and see Katie and Jolene.”
“You won’t find ’em at home.”
“How do you know that?”
“Jolene went to Pennsylvania to learn how to speak with her hands and read lips. The accident left her unable to hear.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Jah, and Katie’s in Sarasota with her grandparents, trying to come to grips with the loss of Timothy.”
Jake slowly shook his head. “Seems like everyone riding in the van was affected in some way or another.”
Wayne nodded. “None of our lives will ever be the same.”
Jake edged toward the door. “It was good seeing you, Wayne. I’ll stop by again soon.”
“Before you go, there’s something else I’d like to say,” Wayne called over his shoulder.
Jake turned around. “What’s that?”
“I hope you don’t think I stole your girl while you were gone. Loraine and I didn’t get together until you’d been gone a year and had stopped writing to her.”
Jake’s face turned crimson. “Don’t worry about it. What’s done is done. See you around, Wayne.”
“Jah,” Wayne mumbled as Jake went out the door, “what’s done is done.”
***
As Jake drove away from the Lambrights’, his stomach clenched so hard, he nearly doubled over. It was a shock seeing his friend sitting in a wheelchair with only one leg. It was a bigger shock to see the gloomy look on Wayne’s face. He’d been so full of life when they were boys, always trying out new things and cracking one joke after another. Today he hadn’t even cracked a smile.
Of course, Jake reasoned, if it was me who’d lost a leg, I probably wouldn’t be smiling or cracking jokes, either. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for Wayne. I wish I could undo the past.
***
Ella had just taken a tray of peanut butter cookies from the oven when she heard a vehicle pull into the yard. She peered out the kitchen window. A blue pickup truck stopped near the barn, but she didn’t recognize the dark-haired man who got out. When he sprinted toward the house, she wiped her hands on a towel and moved toward the door.
When Ella opened it, her heart felt as if it had jumped right into her throat. The man who stood before had short-cropped hair and tanned, muscular arms. He might not look the same as the young, impetuous teenager who’d left home a few years ago, but the deep dimple in the middle of his chin and his sparkling blue-green eyes gave him away. It was Jake Beechy.
“Hi, Ella,” he said. “I came by to say I’m really sorry to hear about Raymond.”
Tears sprang to Ella’s eyes at the mention of her brother’s name, and she blinked a couple of times to keep them from spilling over. “He was too young to die, and so were Timothy and our driver Paul.” She swallowed hard. If she wasn’t careful, it would be easy to let bitterness take over. “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you, Jake. Are you home for good?”
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“I guess you know that Loraine and Wayne got engaged while you were gone.”
“Uh-huh. I also know they’ve recently broken up.”
Ella’s skin prickled as her face heated up. “I hope you don’t have ideas about getting back with Loraine.”
“Guess I’ll have to see how it goes with her and Wayne first.”
Ella clenched her fists so hard that her fingernails dug into her palms. “Things will work out for Wayne and Loraine, so don’t even think about trying to get back with her.”
“You don’t have to get so riled up. I never said I was getting back with her. I just said I’d have to wait and see how it goes.”
“So you came back here thinking you could pick up where you left off with Loraine?”
“It’s not like that. I came back because I read about the accident. I never even knew Loraine and Wayne had started dating until I spoke with her earlier today.”
“Jah, well, you’d be doing us all a favor if you got in that fancy truck of yours and went right on back to your horse ranch in Montana.” Ella’s hands shook, and her voice cracked on the last word. “You hurt Loraine once, and I won’t let you hurt her again!”
Jake’s eyes flashed angrily. “You may be Loraine’s cousin, but you’re not her keeper!”
“I never said I was. I care about Loraine. She’s been through a lot lately, and I don’t want to see her go through any more.”
“I agree with you there. I really think Loraine needs all the support she ca
n get right now.” Jake looked Ella right in the eye, as if daring her to say more. “I’m going to give Loraine my support, no matter what you say!”
“You’re just saying that because you think it’s what I want to hear.” Ella shook her finger at him. “I don’t trust you as far as I can throw one of my daed’s horses. I’ll bet you came back home just to stir up trouble.”
“You think you know everything, Ella. You were like that even when we were kinner.” Jake turned and tromped down the steps.
Ella went back into the house, slamming the door behind her. “Jake Beechy, you’re a selfish, immature man!”
CHAPTER 15
Wayne lay stretched out on his bed, watching the shadows of morning lurch off the ceiling and studying the tiny cracks where the ceiling met the walls. He’d had another rough night, tossing, turning, rumpling the sheets, and fighting the phantom pain, as well as a muscle spasm in his back. Around two o’clock, he’d finally quit fighting the pain and had taken a pill. He’d slept fitfully after that, but it was better than lying awake, thinking and brooding about the past. Life had no meaning for him anymore. He felt like he was merely going through the motions of living.
Wayne rolled over and gave his pillow a good whack. He’d been cheated out of a normal life, and it wasn’t fair! He’d given up the only woman he’d ever loved, and he’d never love anyone that much again.
He covered his ears in an attempt to stop the agonizing thoughts raging in his head, but it did no good. Jerking the pillow out from under his head, he pitched it across the room. Then he grabbed the damp, wrinkled sheets and pulled himself to a sitting position.
“I need some air,” he panted, lowering himself into his wheelchair. He rolled across the floor to the open window and drew in several deep breaths.
Finally, his anger faded to a sense of despair. He could fight this for all he was worth, but it wouldn’t change a thing. No matter how much he longed for it, his leg would never grow back.
He rolled his wheelchair back to the small bedside table and picked up the glass of water. Tipping his head back, he allowed the cool liquid to trickle down his parched throat. Maybe I’ll feel better after I’ve had something to eat.
He slipped on a clean shirt and struggled with his trousers. Seeing that he’d left the dresser drawer open, and knowing Mom would have something to say about it if he left it that way, he kicked it shut with his one and only foot. The dresser trembled and nearly toppled over. A simple thing like getting dressed, which he’d previously taken for granted, had become a tedious, frustrating chore, and it made him angry.
By the time Wayne wheeled himself out of the bedroom and made his way down the hall toward the aroma of spicy sausage sizzling in the frying pan, he was pretty worked up.
Mom turned from the stove and smiled when he entered the room. “I was wondering if you were up. I was just getting ready to come see if you needed my help getting dressed.”
“I’m not a boppli!” he snapped. “I don’t need anyone’s help getting dressed!”
Mom frowned, and her forehead wrinkles ran together. “Of course you’re not a baby, but I know how difficult it is for you to manage some things, so I just thought maybe I could—”
“You thought I needed babying. That’s what you thought!” Wayne gripped the armrests on his wheelchair until his hands cramped. “Ever since I came home from the hospital, all you’ve done is hover over me and do everything I should be trying to do on my own!” His voice shook, and he nearly choked on the words.
Mom’s eyes narrowed. “How can you say such a thing?”
He pushed his wheelchair up to the table. “Because it’s how I feel.”
A look of concern flashed in her eyes, and a few seconds ticked by before she spoke. “Maybe the problem isn’t me trying to help you. Maybe the problem is you not wanting to rely on anyone for help.”
Unable to meet his mother’s piercing gaze, Wayne kept his eyes focused on the table. “Maybe ... maybe ... It’s all just a bunch of maybes,” he muttered. “Maybe my pain will get better. Maybe I’ll adjust to having only one leg. Maybe it would have been better if I had died in that accident. Then you wouldn’t have to put up with my moods!”
She turned his wheelchair around to make him face her, grabbed his shoulders, and gave him a good shake. “Don’t you talk that way, Wayne! You ought to thank the good Lord that you’re still alive!”
Wayne opened his mouth to spew out more angry words but stopped when he felt a nudge at his heart. His self-pity was taking hold of him—making him say hurtful things, making him turn into a bitter, angry man. He pivoted the wheelchair back around, propped his elbows on the table, and let his forehead fall forward into his hands.
“I know you’re hurting, son, but things will get better in time,” Mom said in a voice that sounded more forced than cheerful. “You just need to be patient.” She placed a glass of grapefruit juice on the table in front of him. “By the time your daed comes in from the barn, I’ll have breakfast ready. In the meantime, why don’t you have some of this?”
Wayne picked up the glass and flinched when the sharp taste of the tangy juice hit his tongue. “I’m really not hungry. I think I’ll go out to the barn and see if Pop needs my help with anything.”
“Oh, but you can’t—”
“Jah, I can!” Wayne propelled his wheelchair across the room and went out the door. He needed time alone. Needed time to sort out his thoughts.
As he rolled down the ramp and headed across the yard, a brisk wind rustled the cornstalks in the fields and blew leaves from the trees. A wet, earthy smell wafted up to his nose. The falling leaves reminded him of a deer’s ear flickering in the distance. It was the first time since the accident that he’d really noticed what was going on outside. It was the first time he’d realized that fall had definitely made an appearance.
Wayne moved on until he came to the barn. When he opened the door, a shaft of sunlight filtered through the beams in the barn, and the smell of freshly placed hay assaulted his senses.
He wheeled across the floor and spotted his father coming out of one of the horse’s stalls.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Pop asked with a smile. “Did you sleep any better last night?”
Wayne shook his head. “Besides the phantom pains plaguing me, my back went into spasms. Finally had to give in and take some medicine for the pain. Not that it helped very much.”
“Hopefully, the phantom pains will go away soon, and then you won’t have to take the medication anymore.” Pop moved closer to Wayne and lowered himself to a bale of hay.
“Jah, I’m sure that things will go better for me soon.” The words rang false, even to Wayne’s own ears. He’d only said them because he thought it was what his dad wanted to hear.
Pop clasped Wayne’s shoulder. “Maybe you ought to see the chiropractor and let him work on your back.”
Wayne nodded slowly. “I’ve been thinkin’ on that. Might call after breakfast and see if they can get me in sometime today.”
“That’s a good idea. When you find out what time, let me know, and I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and take you in for the appointment.”
Wayne cringed. He hated relying on others to take him everywhere. He’d never had to be so dependent before, and it stuck in his craw. “If you could hitch my horse to the buggy, maybe I can manage to drive myself to the chiropractor’s office.”
“No way!” Pop shook his head. “Your mamm would never go for that, and you know it.”
Wayne grunted. “Mom thinks I can’t do anything for myself. She treats me like a boppli, and I’m getting real sick of it!”
“I know she does, but I think in this situation, she would be right. If you’re going to see the chiropractor, then I’d best take you there.”
Wayne shrugged and blew out his breath. “Jah, okay ... whatever you say.”
Pop smiled and thumped Wayne on the back. “Is breakfast about ready? Is that why you came out to the ba
rn?”
“Mom’s still working on it.” Wayne’s shoulders tensed. “I really came out here to get away from her for a while.”
A look of concern flashed across Pop’s face. “Did she say something to upset you?”
“She hovers all the time.” Wayne grunted. “She thinks I’m handicapped.”
“Isn’t that how you see yourself?”
Wayne shrugged. “Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean I want to be treated like a boppli. I can still do some things on my own.”
“I hear bitterness in your tone, son. Don’t let it consume you,” Pop said, gently shaking Wayne’s arm. “Tragedies can either drive people away from God or draw them closer to Him.”
“Jah, well, it would be a whole lot easier for me to feel close to God if He’d give me back my leg.”
“You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and ask God to help you be all you can be. He’ll give you the grace to deal with your disability if you lean on Him and set your bitterness aside.”
Wayne grunted in response.
Pop squeezed Wayne’s shoulder. “Someone brought in a nicelooking turkey they’d shot the other day, and it needs to be stuffed. Why don’t you join me in my shop later today and help with the procedure?”
“No, thanks.”
“Have you got something better to do, or is your refusal to help me because you’re hurting too bad?”
Wayne pulled his fingers through the ends of his thick, wavy hair. “After I call the chiropractor, I thought I might take a nap and try to get back some of the sleep I missed out on last night.”
Pop gave a nod and rose to his feet. “I’m heading in to see about breakfast. Are you coming?”
“I’m not hungry. Just go on ahead without me.”
“Suit yourself.” Pop shrugged and headed out the door.
Wayne slouched in his wheelchair and closed his eyes. He wondered how he was going to get through another day.
***
As Loraine headed down the driveway to get the mail, the wind rustled the leaves at her feet. The cool breeze carved a scent of damp, musty air to her nostrils. Fall was here; there was no doubt about it.
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