by Tracy Krauss
“Like I said, the temptation to sin is too great. I’m not sure how much longer I can go without giving in. And after this morning, well… you’re not exactly following my master plan.”
“And what plan would that be?”
“I thought once you came to church you’d get it. You’d want to get saved. Then we could get married. I want to make love to you, Rachel, but not till we’re man and wife. I see now how premature and childish that idea was.” There was a foreboding silence. “It appears by the look on your face I’ve blown it,” Con said.
“No, it appears that this is all about you,” Rachel came back at him. “Basically, what you’re saying is, you were trying to manipulate me.”
“Not manipulate,” Con countered. “I just want what’s best.”
“For you or me?” Rachel fumed. “In the end it’s about getting what you want. Well, what about what I want? What if I don’t want to get ‘saved’ as you put it? What if I think all this religious crap is a delusion—a crutch to keep you from facing the real world?”
“Rachel, I’m sorry. I know you’re hurt. And I know I’ve screwed up here, but now that it’s all out in the open, I think we can work it out. I can’t help thinking God put you in my life for a reason.”
“And you’ve got some kind of corner on what God wants?” Rachel scoffed. “First you make it sound like you want to break up with me and now you’re telling me God brought us together. Make up your mind!”
“I’m just confused!” Con thumped his hand on the steering wheel.
“You and me both,” Rachel replied tightly. “You know, I thought you were different. But all men are the same. None of you can be trusted.”
“I don’t know who hurt you in the past to make you say that, but you need to know I’m not that man. I’m not purposely trying to hurt you, but I have to be honest. I can’t keep living with false hope if there isn’t any.”
Rachel blinked, the sting in her eyes a sure sign of tears to follow. Crying was the last thing she wanted to do. It would make her seem weak and right now she wanted to be strong. The one in control for a change.
“False hope,” she repeated, making the words sound like a mockery. “Hope of what? That you can finally get a piece of me? That’s pathetic, even for a so-called Christian. Is that why Christians get married? To keep their sexual impulses from running away with them?”
“You’re twisting my words,” Con shot back. “I never said that was the only reason I wanted to get married. I also said I think I’m in love with you.”
“Nothing but words,” Rachel scoffed. “Maybe what I need is some action. I want to have sex with you—today. Right now. My place, your place—doesn’t matter. Make a choice, Con. Prove you love me with your actions.” She knew it was a risky maneuver—one that could easily backfire. But right now she needed to know that she was more important than anything else, even his God.
There was silence in the cab for far too long. A sinking feeling began to overtake Rachel as she realized his answer even before it came. “I can’t do that.” His voice was barely above a whisper.
She wanted to lash out and hurt him the way he was hurting her. “Too bad,” she said, flipping her hair back. “I don’t know what a girl has to do around here to get a piece of tail. I almost made it with Thomas, you know. And he would have, too, if I hadn’t stopped him.”
“Don’t do this,” Con said, shaking his head.
“Do what? Tell you the truth? The truth is I was seeing both of you at the same time. Bet you didn’t know that.”
A deep and weary sigh escaped Con’s lips. He had been driving around the streets of Marshdale and was back on Mrs. Beatry’s street. He pulled up in front of the house and let the vehicle idle. There would be no steamy good-byes this time. “I hate to let it end like this. Maybe I’ll call you later and we can talk again when we’re not quite so upset.”
“Don’t bother,” Rachel clipped, stepping down from the truck.
She slammed the door shut and strode toward the house. Angry tears ran unchecked down her face and she glared at the crack in the curtains. With finality, she unlocked her apartment, closing the door on the sound of Con’s truck speeding away.
****
Con sat alone in his living room, a football game blaring on TV. He didn’t even know the score. He kept replaying Rachel’s last remarks over and over and over again until he had every word memorized. Each time burned more than the last. Initially, his anger and jealousy had been directed at Thomas, but his brain told him that the other man was probably not to blame. Thomas had seemed genuinely surprised to see them together at church, and he remembered him mentioning something about a recent relationship that hadn’t worked out. Now he knew what that meant.
How could he have managed to misread her so completely? She seemed shy and innocent—naïve even. Boy, was he wrong! He had imagined himself a knight in shining armor, with a mission from God to rescue her from her insecurities and point her toward a new life as a Christian. Of course, along the way, he would ignite her dormant passions as well and make her fall in love with him. He had felt her passionate side. Apparently it wasn’t as well buried as he’d thought.
That hurt. A picture of Rachel and Thomas together kept flashing in his mind. He wondered how much of what she’d said was fact and how much was just lashing out. Somewhere, deep inside, hope still lingered. Maybe with enough time and some counseling, they could work things out. He knew he needed to talk to someone—pray with someone, before he went crazy.
The shortened days meant darkness descended quite early, so despite the blackness outside it really wasn’t too late to head into town. He phoned Pastor Todd and Carol said he was at the church. A call there came up empty, but Todd often let the answering machine screen his calls, so Con didn’t think too much of it. Todd’s cell phone also went to an automatic messaging center. The thought of a solitary ride under the inky sky was rather appealing, though, whether Todd was available to talk to or not.
When Con reached the church, a sliver of light coming from Todd’s office window sliced across the parking lot. Just as he suspected. Todd spent a lot of time there. Con let himself into the church. A sudden and uncanny sense of deja vu overtook him as he approached the closed office door. The hair on the back of Con’s neck stood on end. He raised his fist to knock, hesitating for a moment before letting it land with a crisp rap.
“Who’s there?” Todd called from within.
“It’s Con.”
“Just a minute.” After a bit of shuffling the pastor unlocked the door. “What can I do for you?”
“Sorry for disturbing you,” Con said. “I just wanted to talk. I can come back later if you’re busy.”
“Um …” Todd hesitated, his eyes flickering to his laptop for a second and then back to Con. “Of course we can talk. If you’ll just excuse me for a minute? I’ll be right back.”
Todd went in the direction of the washrooms, leaving Con alone in the office. He was too agitated himself to sit just yet, so his gaze wandered about, lighting here and there on various book titles, a framed certificate, and a photo of Todd and his family sitting prominently on the desk top. Todd’s laptop was on the desk, too, safely shut, but still running. Con glanced at the door, then back at the laptop. An uncharacteristic curiosity was tugging at him to open the lid and see what Todd was working on so late on a Sunday night.
One more glance at the door, and Con rounded the desk. Without further hesitation he flipped open the lid. Within milli-seconds the screen assaulted him with a still image of two naked women, a small wheel on the screen spinning in readiness to continue the video.
He snapped the lid shut and jumped away from the desk, his mind reeling. The still image was burned into his psyche. What would the video version do? He heard Todd returning so he lowered himself into one of the chairs in front of the desk and took a deep breath.
So,” Pastor Todd began, finding his own seat behind the desk. He looked much more in
control than he had earlier. “What was it you wanted to talk about?” Todd asked.
“Actually, it’s not that important,” Con said, letting a pent up breath escape.
“Really?” Todd raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah. I just saw your light on and thought I’d stop by,” Con said. “Everything okay with you?”
“Yes, I think so.” Todd nodded and smiled.
Wow. He thought he knew this man. Apparently he was in for more than one case of mistaken identity today. What in the world was he supposed to do now? Confront him? Tell the board? Just keep his mouth shut? Maybe there was a perfectly logical explanation for a pornographic site to pop up on the pastor’s computer. He’d heard of this type of thing happening before when a hacker gained access to one’s internet account. One thing was certain, his own issues seemed trivial in light of what he’d just seen.
“Well, I gotta go.” Con stood, awkwardness filling every fiber of his being. Coward. He didn’t feel ready for any of the options. He’d just go home and pray about it.
But later, on the drive home, all he could think to say was, “Oh God, oh God, oh God!” This was way beyond his realm of experience. His whole entire world had just come crashing down.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
December was an extra busy time for most elementary school teachers. Children were naturally preoccupied with anticipation, and teachers had the added task of preparing them for a school wide Christmas concert. It was a good kind of busyness, though. It kept Rachel’s mind occupied and she really needed that right now. Everywhere she turned people were singing, laughing, falling in love. Everyone but her.
Life wasn’t all bad. At least one good thing had happened. Little Robbie Nordick had spoken several words to Tanner, Rhoda’s son, once he had returned to school after his accident. Although a very small step, it was a breakthrough that had all the staff, as well as Robbie’s parents, rejoicing.
“Teacher? You want to come to my Christmas concert?” Rachel looked up from the marking on her desk. She’d been trying to catch up on some paperwork while the kindergarten class had some free play time. Lisa McKinley was waiting expectantly for an answer.
“Of course I’ll be at the Christmas concert,” Rachel replied, smiling at the little girl. “I’m looking forward to it. You didn’t think I’d make the class get up and recite our poem without me there, did you? All the teachers will be there. It’s on the last day of school before Christmas break.”
Lisa frowned as if trying to understand what her teacher was talking about. Suddenly her face cleared and she laughed. “Not that one. I mean my Sunday School concert. At church.”
“Oh. Your church concert.” Rachel nodded. “When is it?”
“Tonight. I’m s’posed to be there at six, ‘cause I’m a angel,” she informed proudly. “But it don’t start till seven.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Rachel said.
“Whisper’s in it, too. And lots of other kids from school,” Lisa informed. “And my Uncle Con will be there to watch,” she added with a smile, as if that would make all the difference. If the little girl only knew that was exactly why she didn’t want to go.
Not only would Con be there, but so would Thomas, apparently. It was just too complicated. She hated to disappoint Lisa, but she wasn’t sure she could do it. It was a dilemma she was still thinking about when the bell finally rang at the end of the day.
“Hi? You got a minute?” Rhoda asked, peeking around the door frame.
“Sure. Come on in,” Rachel invited, stashing a few stray toys on their shelves.
“Um, what’s up with you and Con?” Rhoda asked without preamble. “Rumor has it there’s been some trouble in paradise.”
“Wow. News travels fast,” Rachel quipped.
“This is Marshdale.”
“Which is apparently a valid excuse for almost anything,” Rachel snapped.
“Sorry.” Rhoda glanced down at her feet. “I guess I should mind my own business.”
Rachel sighed heavily. “No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Sorry.”
“It’s too bad. I really thought you two were good together,” Rhoda offered.
“I guess you were wrong.” Rachel focused her attention on the already tidy toy shelf, repositioning a plastic fire truck.
“Con’s a good man and a good friend—to both Jerry and myself. It hurts to see him so down.”
“His strong religious convictions got in the way,” Rachel explained, flipping her hair back. She hoped she sounded blasé, like it didn’t really matter one way or the other. The charade was helping her get through the days until Christmas, and the last thing she needed right now was to break down in front of someone.
“Rachel,” Rhoda said, hesitating for a few seconds before continuing. “There’s something I think I need to share with you.”
“Yeah? What is it?” Rachel braced herself. Nothing could be any worse than what she’d already been through.
“Well, these religious convictions you speak of. The ones that Con holds so strongly? I… I mean we—both Jerry and I—well, we’ve kind of made some changes in that department too.”
Rachel couldn’t speak.
“Now, don’t look so shocked, Rachel! This is a good thing. A happy thing for us,” Rhoda pleaded. “You look as if we’ve done something terrible instead of something good.”
“I’m… I’m just surprised, that’s all,” Rachel fumbled.
“You think you’re surprised? We’ve known Con and his family a long time. Like I said, Con has been a good friend over the years, but when it came to religion we just agreed to disagree. But then that accident happened with Tanner. It really scared us and got us to thinking about how fragile our lives are. We were living on a pretty shaky foundation. And what kind of beliefs had we been teaching our boys? We opened up to Con about it one night, and, well, what he had to say made sense.”
“He should get paid commission for bringing new people into his church,” Rachel scoffed.
“Oh, we’re not going to Con’s church,” Rhoda corrected. “He said it’s not about the building or the name above the door. Jerry grew up in the Anglican Church so we decided to go there. Con said it’s about what’s inside. What you believe. It’s been really good for us. For our family. And the Reverend is really helping us to put life into perspective.”
“I’m happy for you,” Rachel said. The platitude sounded stiff, even to her own ears.
“I hope this isn’t going to ruin our friendship,” Rhoda said. “I mean, I’m still the same person. Just more free.”
Free. It was what Rachel had wanted all her life. Freedom from ridicule. Freedom from comparisons. Freedom from pain. Becoming a Christian could provide all that? Somehow she doubted it. It sounded more like a prison sentence.
****
Pastor Todd Bryant sat alone in his office. The door was shut but he could still hear the muffled strains of the children’s choir as they practiced their closing number one last time. His wife Carol had orchestrated the Christmas concert, as usual. She would be in the sanctuary now, making sure everything was in place.
He felt numb. How much longer could he keep up with this charade? Christmas was about family, brotherhood, and proclaiming the good news of Jesus’ birth. He had betrayed his family, felt anything but brotherly love for those people out there who called themselves Christians, and as for spreading the gospel—the message he’d prepared for the end of the concert mocked him with its hypocrisy.
If he could just get through this Christmas season; get through the guilt and shame that plagued him by day and kept him awake nights. Once the New Year came he’d be able to shake this thing. He had to.
****
Rachel’s sense of duty won out. She trudged in the direction of the church, a light sprinkling of snow falling silently in the darkness. When she entered the warmth of the building, she was greeted at the door by Pastor Todd.
“Rachel. Good to see you again. J
ust find yourself a seat. It’s filling up fast. My wife’s in the back with the angels, trying to keep their wings in place, no doubt.” He turned as another couple entered the church. “John! Margaret! Wonderful to see you! Find yourself a seat…”
Rachel felt a stab of loneliness. She slipped into a seat near the back and spent a few moments fussing with her jacket and scarf before settling back to survey the crowd. It only took a minute to spot them, sitting near the front: Ivor, Betty, Tyson, Bonita, and Con. Her heart did a flip-flop and she was afraid her eyes would well up with tears. She swung her head away and locked eyes with another member of the audience also sitting near the back on the opposite side of the sanctuary. Thomas Lone Wolf. A second wave of emotion coursed through her body. Regret, guilt, despair…
In a last attempt at some dignity, she sat up straight and focused her gaze ahead. This just might be the longest night of her life. With forced concentration, Rachel willed herself to watch every skit and listen to every carol. Once it got started, the program was about an hour in length. Pastor Todd ended with prayer and an invitation to accept that same baby Jesus who appeared so long ago in the manger, as Lord and Savior.
Rachel couldn’t wait to get out of the building. Claustrophobia was beginning to suffocate her. As she waited for the line-up of well-wishers at the door, her eye caught that of Con. The intensity was searing, and she looked away, pushing her way more forcefully than was perhaps appropriate, until she reached the open air.
She gulped in huge breaths and started trudging through the snow. She reached her doorstep in record time and entered, shutting the door behind her with a click and leaning for several minutes against it, eyes shut tight and breath heavy. With a weary sigh she pushed away from its stability and almost stumbled over a box on the floor. That was strange. Had it been there all the time?
Stooping to pick up the box, she heard a muffled meowing noise which came from its depths. She opened the cardboard flaps to see a kitten. A small cry of delight escaped her lips and she gently lifted the feline from its prison and stroked its soft fur. Its sharp baby teeth and claws made her jump and then laugh as it struggled to get free. “I’m going to have to teach you a few manners, I see,” Rachel cooed.