Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook

by Drew Magary

  Radio, the medium for people too poor to afford an iPod, has been taken over by the sports talk format in recent years. Why? Consider that the average American spends roughly two hours a day sitting in traffic. It’s tough sitting there in your car, all alone, with no one to talk to. Sometimes, I think about death. Not cool. That’s why I turn on the radio. You need something to break the silence and protect you from having to deal with your own thoughts. Talk radio shows save you from isolation by forcing you to listen to a former high school physical education teacher give a rambling, incoherent soliloquy about the state of modern sports. It’s not very entertaining, but considering that music stations play warmed-over donkey shit like Nickelback now, there’s no real alternative.

  Talk shows thrive on vitriol. These are three-hour-long shows hosted by people like Colin Cowherd, who has all the charisma of a dying ferret. There’s a lot of dead air to fill. And apart from making. Very long. Dramatic pauses. In order. To fill. The space, the best way to make those hours fly by is to verbally tear you, the athlete, limb from limb. It’s hard for people to be passionate about something they love. It’s much easier for them to be passionate about something they hate. And that something is you. Take a look at this sample transcript:

  (Loud guitar stock music comes on)

  OVERLY MACHO VOICE-OVER:

  You are in . . . the House of Pain!

  The House of Pain?

  THE HOUSE OF PAIN!

  With Steve “the Madman” Franklin!!!!

  He’s talkin’ sports! Goin’ at it HARD!

  Ready to bring the HEAT!!!!!!!

  And now, from the AutoZone studios at Fox Sports Radio, it’s THE MAAAAAAAADMAN!

  MADMAN:

  What’s up. It’s Tuesday. It’s the Madman. You know the drill. I want you guys to come hard with your opinions. That’s how we operate here. Go hard, or go home. That’s our motto. Before we get raw, I just want to thank Einstein Brothers Bagels for bringing in today’s breakfast. Tim, you like the bagels?

  PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:

  Absolutely.

  MADMAN:

  Bet you had the poppy seed one, right?

  You’re such a homo, Tim.

  PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:

  (joking but not joking) Bite me.

  MADMAN:

  Ha! I love it. I’m gonna get to the phone lines in a sec, but first, I want to talk about this (your name) situation. Okay? This guy . . . (long pause) I don’t even know what to say. I mean . . . (long pause) how do you go from hitting .320 in August to hitting .190 in September? (long pause) Can you explain that to me? (long pause) Anyone? (long pause) I mean, it is just inconceivable to me. (long pause) To go from hitting .320 in August . . . (long pause) to hitting .190 in September. (long pause) That’s a full 130 points less. (long pause) That’s 13 percent. (long pause) That’s a big drop. (long pause, takes a sip of coffee) That’s in just one month. And this guy’s perfectly healthy! And he’s making $5 million a year! (long pause) I don’t make $5 million a year. Do you make $5 million a year, Tim?

  PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:

  Nope.

  MADMAN:

  Yeah, I know Tim definitely doesn’t make that much. You know what this is? This is symptomatic of today’s professional athlete. We guarantee these guys millions of dollars up front, and they’re playing like they’ve already earned it. And then they just start slacking!

  JEFF SPICOLI SOUND BITE:

  “Aloha, Mr. Hand!”

  MADMAN:

  Ha! Nice pull, Tim! Anyway, want to get your thoughts on this. Call us or text us at 640 on your T-Mobile phone. Going to Jeff. Jeff, what do you think of this jackass? Bring it hard! Don’t spare this guy!

  JEFF:

  (static)

  MADMAN:

  Okay, Jeff, I need you to turn down your radio to talk to me. People, I tell you this every day. Let’s go to Jenny. Ooooh, a lady! Jenny, what do you got?

  JENNY:

  I think we should definitely trade him, but for youth. We need more youth on the team, Madman!

  MADMAN:

  That’s a great point. A great point. This guy’s thirty, okay? He’s not getting any younger. Next comes thirty-one, then thirty-two. That’s gettin’ up there. Let me ask you, Jenny: how much do you weigh?

  JENNY:

  How much do I weigh?

  MADMAN:

  Yeah.

  JENNY:

  135?

  MADMAN:

  Nah, no way! You definitely sound like you’re two bills. At least. Anyway, great call. Let’s go to Dave. Dave!

  DAVE:

  Yeah, I just want to say that player slumps are fairly common and that part of the beauty of watching sports is to see if these guys can bounce bac —

  MADMAN:

  (cuts him off) I’m sorry, Dave. I’m getting the signal from Timmy that we have to cut to break.

  PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:

  I never said that.

  MADMAN:

  Well, it looked like it to me! Great, now we lost him. Besides, I don’t think Dave was really listening to my original point. If he had, he would have picked up on what I was saying. Gotta get better phone lines in here, Tim. Just terrible equipment. We’re operating in the eighteenth century here, people.

  PRODUCER STATIONED BEHIND THE GLASS WHO SECRETLY HATES THE HOST:

  I hate you.

  I suggest keeping your radio off at all times. If you own one. Most rich people don’t bother.

  More bottom-feeders: those fucking blog nerds.

  Blogs are the newest menace to the professional athlete. There’s a new sports blogger created every .7 seconds, and these people don’t start a blog just to write you love sonnets.

  We are at a terrible moment in history, when anyone can write anything they want and then share what they write with others. This was not what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they created freedom of the press. Back then, the press consisted of four people, all of them drunks, who could be easily controlled. There was one newspaper, and it was printed on birch bark. And since Ben Franklin hadn’t invented reading glasses yet, none of the six people who had subscriptions could read it. How could they have envisioned a day where any asshole — without a journalism degree! — could print anything? It’s a goddamn tragedy.

  The worst thing about blogs is that people actually read them. You wouldn’t think there’s an audience out there for some lady chronicling the daily shitting habits of her cat, but you’d be wrong. That blog gets more than 4 million hits a week. Since everyone hates the mainstream media, blogs have become a popular reading alternative. Why? Because if you can’t trust a mainstream outlet for your news, why not go all the way in the other direction and get your news from people who have even less credibility? It makes for juicier reading, that’s for damn sure.

  This is why blogs are so dangerous for you, the athlete. Sure, no one believes anything they read on a sports blog. But they want to believe it, and wanting to believe it is just as bad, if not worse. Now anyone can publish any story they want about you, without giving you a chance to refute the details. And people will associate that story with you forever, regardless of its veracity. What kind of Internet rumors about major sports personalities are out there? Get a load of some of these. Now, at the request of Little, Brown & Co.’s lawyers, I had to cross out all of the names listed below. Fucking lawyers. But you get the idea. Of course, none of these rumors are true. But man, you can really picture this shit once it’s in writing.

  • One time, this kid went up to big leaguer _______ and asked for an autograph, and _______ just whipped out his dick and slapped the kid across the face with it. Then _______ laughed and said, “I just gave you a lifetime of memories, kid.”

  • One of NFL great _______’s baby mommas went up to him one day demanding he pay child support. ____
____ laughed at her and said, “Girl, I gave you a child! Isn’t that enough of a gift? When you buy someone a car, they don’t expect you to pay for the gas!”

  • Not only did _______ do steroids, he also used an aluminum bat wrapped in faux-wood linoleum.

  • _______ will report to the FOX TV studio three hours in advance to practice smug glances.

  • _______ cheats on his wife with an assortment of strippers and leather-clad biker chicks, and when he makes love he insists on wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

  • Sports Illustrated writer _______ killed a man in 1936.

  •Former all-pro QB _______ never formally attended school at any level, and only learned to read by looking at the backs of cereal boxes.

  Are you feeling simultaneously disgusted and titillated right now? I am. Even worse, bloggers will sometimes post candid pictures of you. And not just any pictures, but pictures of you fucking hammered. And since we’re a nation that consumes more alcohol than any other, while simultaneously being complete tightasses about it, that could really hurt your image.

  So what can you do against this kind of slander? Well, remember what I said about racism and prejudice being your friend? Time to call that friend up and do a little stereotyping of your own.

  The best way to defuse any blog criticism is to perpetuate the stereotype that bloggers are nothing more than fat, slovenly, sci-fi-loving masturbators with shitty lives and axes to grind. Take me for instance. I’m a blogger, and I look exactly like Tackleberry from Police Academy. And I just adore masturbating. Think fans aren’t ready to hate my guts at the drop of a hat? People have already turned on the old media. They can’t wait to turn on the new.

  CLIPPABLE MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN!

  EVEN IF YOU AGREE WITH SOMEONE, IT IS IMPORTANT TO CONTINUE TO SHOUT AT THEM AS IF YOU ARE ARGUING. THAT WAY, YOU CAN ALWAYS MAINTAIN THE UPPER HAND.

  — Stephen A. Smith

  Chapter 9

  “What Do You Mean, She Wants to Press Charges?”

  Trouble

  Oh, fuck! You’ve been arrested! A short guide to illegal behavior.

  Being a pro athlete means living under a microscope. And not just one of those pissy little high school microscopes. I’m talking one of the big, backed-with-federal-funding atomic fuckers they have over at the National Institutes of Health. The ones that can show you the miniature, superintelligent reptile civilization hidden inside your thumbnail. People love to watch athletes, but they love judging them even more. So, when you get into trouble, you should expect a Category 5 shitstorm that will test the very limits of your faith in mankind. Don’t expect to get away with anything. Unless you’re white, in which case you get a two-crime grace period.

  One of the reasons athletes always seem to find themselves in trouble is that they don’t take the time to learn what is legal and what is not. After all, having sex with a smoking hot fifteen-year-old certainly feels like the right thing to do. But the law (again, outside of Louisiana) tells us that this is not the case. So don’t bother trying to follow your own moral compass. Because it’s pointing you straight to hell, my friend. The only magnetic pole that thing is attracted to is the one swinging between your legs.

  So what kind of behavior is illegal, and why does society consider it a crime?

  DWI

  What It Is: Driving while intoxicated. This is also known as DUI, or driving under the influence, which expands the definition of the crime to include driving under the influence of alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, or Aphex Twin. Most states outlaw driving with a blood-alcohol level of .01 or higher, which translates to roughly one drink per hour. If you’re an alcoholic like me, you know just how unfair that is. One drink per hour barely changes the mood in the room.

  Why It Is Wrong: Because being intoxicated impairs your vision and reaction time, and makes you more likely to hurt other motorists. That is, unless you’re me. After ten beers, I am Jason fucking Bourne in a Honda. I am dialed in and can hit corners going ninety with the utmost precision. Nothing’s getting in my way. I am goddamn bulletproof. If you get busted for driving drunk, it just means that you aren’t good enough at it. Real pros don’t get caught by the fuzz. They have all police blockade locations committed to memory, as I do. Keep at it and eventually you’ll get the hang of it. Oh, and don’t bother hyperventilating to try to beat the Breathalyzer. That’s an urban legend. Trust me.

  Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 2. The good news about getting busted for DWI is that, since it is such a common offense, people barely bat an eyelash. In fact, the more often athletes get busted for DWI, the less attention it gets. So, in a way, you’re doing your fellow athletes a favor. So keep at it, my friend. You’re drunkenly, recklessly bulldozing a clear path for those of us who like a roadie or six before heading in to work every morning.

  Famous Perpetrators: Tony LaRussa, Mike Tyson, J.J. Redick, Michael Phelps

  Domestic Violence

  What It Is: Wife-beating. This can range from a light slap to a full-on thrashing. Either way, when your ladyfriend dials 911, expect the fury of all womankind to rain down upon you. Hope you enjoy a lifetime of ultimately futile apologizing. You’re in for a real treat.

  Why It Is Wrong: Because it’s wrong to hit a woman, okay? Women are soft and pretty. And sometimes, their hair smells like the juice from a maraschino cherry jar. Oh, how I wish I had one to hold in my arms right now! How could you harm such a weak, defenseless little animal? You monster! Pick on someone your own size, prick! Hitting a woman is nothing more than the act of a coward. Unless the woman in question is Nancy Grace, in which case I’d like to shake your hand.

  Besides, violence solves nothing. The best way to solve problems with your woman is to sit down and talk. And talk. And talk some more. And to revisit the same argument over and over again, and to force yourself to confront unpleasant facts about yourself you didn’t really want or need to address. That’s the best way to build a long, lasting relationship. Provided that’s what you’re looking for. That was what you wanted, right?

  Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 8. People only like wife-beating when they’re watching mob films. You pretty much deserve the scorn here. No one likes a wife-beater, unless that wife-beater is Ike Turner. The man was charming even when he was giving you a shiner.

  Famous Perpetrators: Jason Richardson, Ron Artest, Dave Duerson, Wil Cordero

  Assault and Battery

  What It Is: Laying the smack down on a motherfucker

  Why It Is Wrong: Every now and again a belligerent provocateur (usually wearing a Lacoste shirt) will try to goad you into a fight. Why does this happen to you, the pro athlete? Because you are the ultimate man. You are big, strong, and rich. Everyone loves you. The common man, such as myself, simply cannot compare. I bet you think your shit don’t stink, don’t ’cha? Well, fuck that. I’m not afraid of you, bitch. Let’s see what you’re really made of, tiger!

  As you can see, you inspire great feelings of jealous rage among average Joes. Provoking you is a manifestation of their own insecurity. If you beat the ever-loving shit out of some aggressive idiot (which is what would happen if you fought him), you’re only sending him further down his spiral of self-loathing.

  Which is fine. Except that this is illegal for some reason.

  Bad Publicity Factor (1–10) : 1. Fighting doesn’t make you look tough. Unless you win. Everybody loves an asskicker.

  Famous Perpetrators: Lawrence Phillips, Ruben Patterson, Mike Tyson

  Illegal Firearm Possession

  What It Is: Owning or concealing a gun without a proper permit

  Why It Is Wrong: Guns are legal in America. Anyone can own them. Even the mentally ill. But you can’t just go and buy a gun. You first have to fill out a form. That way, everyone will know you’re fit to own one.

  Many athletes are gun owners. It’s a matter of personal security. If you’re confronted with an assailant, it’s far easier to shoot the assailant dead than to run away from him using your
God-given speed. You could pull a hammy doing that.

  Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 5. Getting booked on gun charges says to people that you are a dangerous individual liable to go off at any second. Frankly, it’s a bit of a turn-on.

  Famous Perpetrators: Maurice Clarett, Tank Johnson, Mike Tyson

  Rape / Sexual Assault

  What It Is: Rape, also known as pop-in sex, or gotcha! sex, is defined as nonconsensual sex. This is a bit of a misnomer. It’s actually half-consensual sex. Obviously, you consented to have sex. The woman? Not so much.

  Why It Is Wrong: You mean, apart from it being the most heinous crime in humankind? Well, there’s also the fact that it’s not terribly sexy. It’s also quite a difficult crime to perform on a technical scale. Most guys have a hard enough time getting in there when the woman is willing. I can’t imagine how hard it would be without her cooperation.

  There’s also the fact that raping a woman scars her for life, forcing her to make the terrible decision to either remain silent and ashamed about her attack, or to press charges against you, only to have her name and reputation trashed by your high-priced legal team, which is tantamount to being raped over and over again. Oh, and there’s the fact that, should she choose the latter, she’ll go through the terrible ordeal of a trial that will discourage future victims from coming forward and encourage future perpetrators to continue their treachery.

  Other than that, I can’t think of much else wrong with it.

  Bad Publicity Factor (1–10): 10. Nobody likes rape. Except for indie filmmakers, who can’t seem to get enough of it. Rape a woman, and you can expect an angry mob to follow you throughout the rest of your time here on Earth. Be sure to look for me. I’ll be the one with the battle-ax. You fuck.

  Famous Perpetrators: Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson, Mike Tyson

  Murder / Manslaughter

  What It Is: Making another person dead

  Why It Is Wrong: Look, everyone has four or five people they’d love to take out. My list is actually quite extensive, with Jimmy Fallon and Paris Hilton being the most notable names in the top 250. My wife would strangle Ann Curry with piano wire if it were legal. But you can’t do it. It’s the sixth commandment, which actually seems a little low on God’s priority list. But whatever. Don’t kill anyone. Aside from taking away someone’s life, the ensuing Dostoyevskian inner struggle you experience will make you a real drag to be around.