by London Casey
“Evan, what are you doing?” Anna asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “What do you… I mean, whatever. Whatever you want to do, Anna.”
She stood up. The swing kept gently going as though a ghost were sitting on it.
“You know a lot about me,” she said. “Who I really am. Why I do what I do.”
“You’re chasing your pain away, Anna,” I said. “I get that. I really do.” I reached for her hand and interlocked my fingers to hers again. Then I pulled her close, just to see what it felt like.
I mean, it felt… you know, it felt what it felt. It was a girl pressing herself against me. Of course it felt good. Of course my mind teased things. But my heart didn’t do that thing it did when I saw Adena.
“I just like to feel alive,” Anna whispered. “I want to make everyone hurt like I do. That’s when I feel alive. That’s when I feel like I’m connecting with people. And when I get attention… it makes me feel good.”
“I get it,” I said to Anna. I backed away and took my hand away. “I get it. I just wish you had-”
“There’s a party going on right now,” Anna said. “A girl I met, Nattie, she has her own apartment. Huge throw down going on right now. Take me there.”
“Skip this one, Anna,” I said. “Go get some sleep.”
“Fuck you, Evan,” she said. “If you don’t drive me, I’ll just walk. Or I’ll call for a ride. I’ll call Joey.”
“Joey?” I asked. “How the hell do you…”
Anna smirked.
That was maybe the first time I felt a little jealous near Anna.
“Joey,” I said. “Are you kidding me? You let him…”
“What?” she yelled. “It’s just for fun. Plus, he’s going away. Moving to California to live with his dad.”
“Yeah, see how long that lasts before he’s kicked out of the state. That guy is bad, Anna.”
“Aw, are you jealous, Evan? It’s so cute.”
“I’m not jealous, I’m serious.”
I grabbed Anna’s arm and she slapped me right across the face.
“Don’t touch me,” she yelled. “Now drive me or someone else will.”
I looked back at the house. I couldn’t just let her go.
She just stood there in defiant silence.
“If you drive me I’ll tell Joey that you and I… you know. It’ll drive him crazy. I’ll tell everyone at the party how good you are. You know what that means, Evan…”
“Yeah, right. Fine. Let’s go. Walk with me. I have to go get my car.”
We walked and Anna grabbed my hand. She hugged my arm. She put her head to my arm. She was like a little kid that cried for hours and finally got the toy they wanted.
I hated myself for giving in. But I didn’t know what to do.
“Thanks for this,” she whispered. “I care about you, Evan. I’m in love with you, Evan. But I’ll never really love you.”
“I know that, Anna.”
“But our secrets…”
“Forever ours,” I whispered.
But I knew that was a lie. I could only keep Anna’s secrets for so long.
Then again, I was sure she had secrets she kept from me…
Chapter Forty-Five
(Get Together Before the Closet)
NOW
(Adena)
The doorbell rang and I put my cards down on the table. “Nobody cheat.”
“I’m looking as soon as you walk away,” Riley said.
“I’ll protect your cards, sweetheart,” Evan said.
“Aw, Evan… oh my Evan,” Andy said and laughed.
Evan grabbed a pretzel and flicked it at Andy, hitting him square in the forehead.
Everyone started to laugh.
I threw everyone the middle finger and hurried to the door.
I opened the door and looked back. “Oh, shit, it’s the cops!”
Everyone laughed even harder.
Scott jumped up and put his hands up. “I’m screwed. I can’t go to jail. I’m too pretty.”
“Dude, you look like you forgot that high school ended years ago,” Chloe said.
Mike started to clap and whistle.
“Can I come in or what?” Tommy asked, standing there in plain clothes.
“Sorry,” I said. “Come on in.”
He was holding a stack of pizza boxes.
He walked them to the kitchen.
“How much do I owe you?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Tommy said.
“No way. Come on. I wanted to have a little get together.”
Tommy turned and smiled. “It’s good to see everyone together without drama. That’s worth the cost of the pizza.”
“Pizza,” Scott growled as he hurried around the table.
Evan stood up and put an arm out. “You don’t get first dibs. Hell no, man. You’ve got the munchies going on, don’t you?”
“See, that’s not fair,” Leah said. “Scott smokes his brain away and eats and doesn’t gain a pound. I smelled that pizza and I’ve gained five pounds.”
“Nothing wrong with curves,” Mike said.
“Oh, damn,” Riley said.
Andy whistled.
“Mike likes curves,” I said.
“By all means,” Evan said. “Why don’t we all clear out and let you two figure this out.”
“Seriously?” Mike yelled. “You all suck.”
“You like curves,” Leah said. “I like the whole scruffy plumber thing.”
Everyone cheered louder. Mike actually started to blush. He stood up, shaking his head.
“I need another drink to survive tonight,” he said.
“Another round,” Evan said.
“Everyone go outside,” I said. “We’ll bring out drinks and food.”
“Boo,” Scott yelled, cupping his hand around his mouth.
“Everyone out!” Evan yelled.
“Don’t make me arrest anyone,” Tommy added. “I have my handcuffs.”
“Better give them to Mike and Leah,” Riley said.
Everyone ooooohhh’ed again.
“Fuck that,” Evan said. “I’ll take them for me and Dena.”
I gasped and felt the color rush to my face.
“Her face is redder than Mike’s,” Andy said.
“At least I can get some,” I said.
“Hey, be nice to Andy,” Ashley chimed in. “He has two hands.”
“Two hands?” Mike said. “He needs two fingers. The world’s smallest…”
Andy grabbed the bowl of pretzels and threw them at Mike.
We laughed so hard, it hurt. It felt so good to laugh. To forget about all the troubles. All the bullshit in our lives.
Tommy opened the back door and ushered everyone out. He was used to dealing with wild and drunk people so he had the patience to get everyone moving.
Then it was just me and Evan in the kitchen.
“Wow,” he whispered. “Maybe this was a mistake.”
“No way,” I said. “It’s… good. Everyone is happy you’re here.”
“Everyone is here for you,” he said.
“I love seeing everyone laugh. Reminds me of… well… I was never technically invited to parties.”
“Then you haven’t experienced the best part,” Evan said.
“Which is what?”
“Sneaking away to fool around,” Evan whispered.
He grabbed my waist and pulled me to him.
I laughed and reached for his face. “This is all too real for me.”
“Good. Real is good. Live in the realness.”
I heard shouts and laughing outside. I cringed. “This is going to be a long night, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is,” Evan said. “I agree with you though… it’s good to see and hear everyone laughing. We all need it. Now let’s get them all some pizza to absorb the booze. They think they can do what they used to do in high school.”
Evan kissed me and grabbed the pizzas.
I couldn’t
explain it right away but I had this urge to have a get together at the house. To end everything on a good and happy note.
I looked around and smiled.
I knew what I wanted to do next… no matter how hard it would hurt.
“No, no, no, no,” Scott said. “Tell them about the time, at that party… when that guy tried to attack you with a sandwich.”
I looked at Evan. “You got attacked by a sandwich?”
“Well, to be fair, the sandwich was innocent,” Evan said.
Ashley and Chloe had fallen asleep in chairs, curled up in the corner. Scott was way out of his mind, but he was safe at the house. Tommy had to leave because he had to work in the morning. Andy sat at the table, playing with the top to a beer bottle. Mike and Leah were dangerously close, feeling each other out.
The rest of us sat out in the yard around an old, rusted metal fire pit with a fire going.
“That was a long ass night,” Evan said. “The sandwich thing was just the start.”
Everyone got a little quiet after Evan said that. It made no sense to me. Again, I wasn’t cool enough to go to the parties they were talking about.
“I want to hear about it,” I said to Evan.
“Okay,” he said with a smile. “So we were at this party. This guy was all tuned up and just started bugging me from the second I walked in. I wasn’t sure if he thought I was someone else or just wanted to pick a fight.”
“Someone pick a fight with you?” I asked. “Never.”
“Ha,” Scott said. “Your lover boy here almost got his throat sliced with a piece of salami.”
Scott cackled as his head fell back. Then he was strangely silent. I looked over and saw him pointing to the sky with one finger.
“Scott, you okay?” I asked.
“Perfect. Counting the stars. We’re so small down here, Adena. We’re nothing compared to our universe. We’re simply grains of salt on a beach that we believe is so much greater than the true purpose of existence…”
I felt Evan touch my hand. He leaned in. “He’ll talk himself to sleep. And probably cry. Just ignore him.”
“… I mean, can you imagine what it’s like up there. Way up there. Out there. There are things happening in the universe that time can’t even keep up with…”
“Do you want to hear about the salami or not?” Evan asked me.
“Right. Yes. I want to hear.”
Scott continued to ramble.
Evan took my hand, facing me, and interlocked our fingers together. He took my other hand and did the same. Our hands locked up tight, just like our eyes.
“This guy followed me and wouldn’t leave me alone. He had been drinking all day. I gave him a couple warning shoves to back off a little. Mind you, this was early afternoon. The party had just got started. But he was all messed up. He started accusing me of stealing something. Which could have been true. Who knows. Finally, someone decided to make him something to eat. To calm him. To try and sober him up a little. They made him a sandwich. He started following me with the sandwich.”
“We’re worth nothing,” Scott said, his voice crackling. “We’re nothing to you, Universe. We’re…”
I looked over at Scott. Yeah, he was starting to cry.
I shook my head.
“You gonna finish this story or what?” Riley asked.
I had almost forgot she was sitting there at the fire. She had a lawn chair almost flat with her hood pulled up all the way, head to the side.
“You’re awake?” I asked.
“Listening,” she said. “I don’t remember this story. You two are about to start humping in front of the fire, so finish the story. Don’t be like Mike and Leah over there…”
I turned my head and gasped. Sitting on the top step to the back porch was Mike and Leah. Kissing. Making out.
“Wow,” I whispered. “We better give them more space soon.”
“Good for Mike,” Evan said. “He needs it. His old man isn’t doing so good.”
“Leah needs it too,” I said. “She had a boyfriend who was a little more than controlling. Belittled her for months about her weight.”
“Yeah, that’s not right,” Evan said. “Hopefully they can distract each other.”
“Finish the fucking story,” Riley yelled.
“I agree,” I said. “Finish the fucking story, Evan.”
“Okay. It’s pretty simple. He got his sandwich and he kept coming after me. I finally turned and was ready to knock his ass out. That’s when he got on the defense. He put up a fist. Then he flicked his wrist and let his sandwich fall, minus a piece of salami. I think he thought it was a knife. He started swinging the piece of meat at me. Seriously. Like he was going to cut me or slap me.”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Waited for my chance and I knocked him out,” Evan said. “One shot to the jaw and he was down until morning.”
“The true question is…,” Riley said, “did you clean up the sandwich and eat it?”
Evan turned his head. “No, Riley. I didn’t do that.”
“What a waste of a story then,” she said. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Riley,” I said.
“It’s forever night in our universe,” Scott said. “The stars shine until they explode with the fury of our anger… why did we cause this…”
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said.
Evan stood up and pulled me to my feet. He moved quick, turning sideways, hooking his arms under me, lifting me up. I let out a cry and threw my arms around his neck. He started to walk, skipping the back porch. He went to the side of the house, where he used to stand and hide. Where he used to smoke as he waited for my sister. Where I used to always look first when I left the house, hoping to see him standing there.
He stopped at the side of the house and put his hands to my waist, pinning me against the wall.
“You were everything to me,” he said. “You are everything to me.”
I touched his face. “Same for you, Evan.”
“Whatever you decide to do in life, I’ll be there with you. I swear on it.”
“Right now, my decision is that you’re to take me upstairs and have your way with me.”
“Consider it done,” Evan said.
He kissed me and I grabbed his shirt, keeping him close.
As long as he was close to me, nothing bad could ever happen.
At least that’s what I tried to promise myself over and over.
Chapter Forty-Six
(Do You Remember Them?)
YEARS AGO
(Adena)
The door slowly opened and I rolled over. I clutched the covers tight, part of my mind convincing me I was eight years old and monsters were real and were finally coming into my room to eat me.
Well, it was a monster coming into my room… but she wasn’t going to eat me.
It was Anna.
“Adena?” she called out.
“Yeah?”
“I can’t sleep.”
I rolled my eyes.
Why don’t you call Evan? Isn’t that what you always do? Keep stealing his attention…
“Come here,” I said.
I pushed up in the bed and put a pillow behind my head.
Anna walked into the room and shut the door. She wore a long t-shirt and probably had nothing else on under that. Her legs were super long, everything about her skinny and perfect. Her hair was down, her natural curls so beautiful. She looked innocent. That was the crazy part of everything. The fact that my little sister could still look like that… like my little sister. The girl I kept close when she was scared. The girl I hugged tight when she was confused. The girl who held my hand for hours when we first got to Aunt Beth’s house because she was nervous that Aunt Beth was going to be an evil witch.
She climbed into my bed and put her head on my shoulder. I rested my chin on her head. She smelled like cigarette smoke so bad. It made my nose curl. I hated that smell because of her. Even though w
hen Evan smoked it looked cool.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What were they really like?”
“Who is they?”
“Our parents.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Why did they have to die?”
I ran my hand through Anna’s knotty and greasy hair. “I don’t know, Anna. I don’t make those rules.”
“You don’t miss them, do you?”
“I never said that.”
“But you love Beth so much.”
“She takes care of us, Anna. If it wasn’t for her, we might have been split up.”
Anna was silent for a few seconds. “Still… you love her more than them. Why?”
I swallowed hard. “I never said that. Aunt Beth is good to us.”
“Our parents were mean, weren’t they? They were bad people.”
“No they weren’t,” I said. “They had problems. That’s all. I think they were really young to have kids. But without them we wouldn’t be here.”
“They hit you, Adena. I remember it. But they didn’t hit me.”
“You remember that?” I asked.
Anna turned her head and looked up at me. “You would let them hit you so they wouldn’t hit me. Right?”
“Well, yeah,” I said. “I mean, you were too small to know what it was.”
“I remember it.”
“That’s okay.”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“When they hit you… why did they hit you?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “They would get angry. I don’t think at me. But I was sort of a target.”
“Like Beth and me,” Anna said. “She’s my target.”
“She shouldn’t be. She loves us.”
“She’ll never be our mother.”
“She’s not trying to be our mother, Anna. She just wants to take care of us. Give us a chance at life.”
“I call bullshit,” Anna whispered. “Nobody should take care of me. Sometimes I wish I died with our parents.”
“Don’t ever say that,” I said. “Hey… why would you say that?”
Anna hugged me tighter. She didn’t want to look up at me now. She didn’t want me to see her crying.