by Strand, Jeff
Dead Clown Barbecue
by Jeff Strand
Dead Clown Barbecue copyright 2013 by Jeff Strand.
All rights reserved.
This book is a work of fiction. All characters, events, dialog, and situations in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the author.
Cover art copyright 2013 by Lynne Hansen
Book design by Lynne Hansen
http://LynneHansen.zenfolio.com
http://www.LynneHansen.com
For more information about the author, visit http://www.JeffStrand.com.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction
Pett Semmuteary
Comeuppance
The Apocalypse Ain't So Bad
The Bell . . . FROM HELL!!!
Work/Life Balance
Stop Stabbing Me
Eight-Legged Vengeance
The Drop
Here's What Happened . . .
Pregnancy Test
Mr. Twitcher's Miracle Baby-Chopping Machine
The Carver
Push the Button
My Knife Collection
Drain Bamage
Gramma's Corpse
Burden
Rough Draft
Fangboy and the Troll
Dead in the Water
Immunity
The Big Bite
Specimen 313
We Believe
Poor Career Choice
True Hero
Chomp (A Cautionary Tale)
The Severed Nose
Dummy
Story Notes
About the Author
Other Books by Jeff Strand
INTRODUCTION
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, vampires and vampire hunters, werewolves and gypsies, scientists and experiments gone horribly wrong, slashers and final girls, kidnapped authors and ankle-breaking fans, zombies and humans who are the true monsters, boils and ghouls, welcome to my second short story collection, Dead Clown Barbecue!
If you've read my first one, Gleefully Macabre Tales, you've probably got a good idea of what to expect: comedic horror. Mostly. I mean, "Burden" isn't exactly a festival of laughs, and there are some other "serious" stories in here . . . but for the most part, it's comedic horror. And you probably did not purchase a book called Dead Clown Barbecue expecting a bleak, introspective examination of the human condition, so we're cool.
I was having trouble thinking of a title for this book (Gleefully Macabre Tales II? More Gleefully Macabre Tales? Bride of Gleefully Macabre Tales? Gleefully Macabre Tales: Apocalypse Extinction Afterlife Retribution?) until I received an invitation in the mail that said "This Saturday on Main Street! Everybody come to the Dead Clown Barbecue! 12:30 PM."
"Hey," I said to my wife, "do you want to go to a dead clown barbecue on Saturday?"
"What's that?" she asked.
"What do you mean? It's a dead clown barbecue."
"But what is that? Is that where they barbecue a dead clown, or is it a barbecue hosted by dead clowns?"
I frowned and looked at the invitation. It had a drawing of a red round nose but no other useful information. "I assumed that we'd be eating dead clown. It's a little silly of you to think that dead clowns could host a barbecue. How would they work the grill? How would they set up the tables? How would they even have printed up the invitations?"
"I thought that 'dead' clown could mean 'zombie' clown."
I chuckled. "Well, sure, that would be logical speculation . . . in a world where zombies exist! In our current world, they don't, and if they did, we would have heard about them, and if we hadn't, they certainly wouldn't be revealing their existence at a barbecue on Main Street." I chuckled again, to show her how amused I was by her ridiculous comment.
"Then why did they specify that they were dead clowns? You wouldn't invite somebody to a 'dead cow' or 'dead pig' barbecue."
"I guess you have a mild point there," I admitted. "But I, for one, would have no interest in attending a barbecue where some live clown was being held onto a charcoal grill. That would be sadistic. Can you imagine? Some poor clown shrieking in agony while his leg flesh sizzles? Would you want to eat that meat on a burger? Would you? Please say no, or else I will judge you for it."
"No," my wife said. "I'm just saying that, from the invitation, it's not clear exactly what kind of event we're attending, and I don't think you can just assume that we'll be eating choice cuts from freshly killed clowns, that's all."
"So you don't want to go? Is that it? You never want to do anything! If you had your way, we'd never leave the house!"
(Note to readers: I apologize if this uncensored, brutally honest look at our relationship is making you uncomfortable. My goal is to share the truth here, warts and all.)
"We can go," she said. "But if they're zombies, you owe me an apology."
I nodded my agreement, even though I had no intention of apologizing if they did indeed turn out to be zombies. I mean, come on, that would be a shameful sign of weakness.
On Saturday, I changed into my finest ringmaster uniform. My wife asked if I was really going to wear that, and I grudgingly changed into jeans and a t-shirt instead. We drove to Main Street and arrived promptly at 12:30 PM, because I don't believe in that "fashionably late" crap. There were at least a dozen grills fired up, and the people running them were neither clowns nor zombie clowns. They were just regular people, holding tongs and wearing aprons with amusing slogans.
Besides the grillers, there weren't many other people around. We walked up to the first grill, upon which a clown head (of the "sad clown with stubble" variety) was cooking. It smelled pretty good. Not amazing — it wasn't as if my stomach started rumbling — but it was a pleasant enough aroma.
"Hello there, sir," said the chef. "Have you eaten clown before?"
"I can't say that I have."
"Oh, well, you'll love these. All of today's stock is drowned clown, the best kind."
"Drowned clown?"
The chef nodded. "We drowned them in a tank of salt water. Delicious. Clowns usually die in tragic accidents, like chainsaw juggling, and that trauma affects the meat. The last clown I ate had been trampled by an elephant. I swear, I might as well have just eaten roadkill."
"I'd never even heard of eating clown before," I said.
"Really? Maybe it's more of a West Coast thing."
"Isn't this cannibalism?" my wife asked. I gently elbowed her in the ribs to let her know she was being rude.
"Well, sure, if you want to be technical, it's definitely cannibalism," the chef admitted. "It's not like clowns are another species. That's probably why there isn't much of a crowd here today. People get kind of squeamish about eating human flesh, even when it's cooked to perfection. I kept telling the organizers of this event that we didn't need twelve grills running, but they figured it's better to have too much than to run out."
"You can always donate the leftovers to a homeless shelter," I said.
"Not my department. They'll probably just chuck it in the trash. Anyway, would you like to try some crispy clown ear?"
"No, thank you," said my wife.
"Yes, please," I said.
The chef sliced off the clown's left ear. "Careful, it's hot," he said, picking it up with his tongs and handing it to me. I bit it in half and chewed thoughtfully. He'd lied; it was more rubbery than crispy, and much less flavorful than I would have hoped.
"Delicious, right?" the chef asked.
"Oh, yes, yes." I ate the rest of the ear to be polite. "Very good. Perfectly seasoned."
"Would you like s
ome clown sausage? I'll be honest; there's some chicken and pork mixed in there, but the majority is clown."
"Oh my God!" my wife shouted.
"What?" I asked.
She pointed to the grill next to ours. "That's Lester Berkman!"
I looked at the clown head. The sideburns, the skull earrings, the eyepatch — it was definitely Lester.
"He's not a clown!" my wife shrieked. "He's been our neighbor for the past fifteen years!"
"Just calm down," I said, putting my arm around her.
"Don't you see? These aren't clowns! They're putting regular people in clown makeup and then grilling them!"
All twelve of the chefs turned to face us at once, except for our chef, who'd already been facing us.
"We should go," I said.
My wife and I ran back to the car, chased by a dozen tong-wielding chefs. We were lucky to escape with our lives. My wife kept insisting that we needed to call the police, and I agreed that she was right, but I also explained that if we kept quiet about it, I could break the story in my latest book, which would drum up some publicity.
"Innocent people are being eaten!" she said. "How could you think about book sales at a time like this?"
I glared at her. "Those book sales are what pay for your fuzzy slippers collection. And I'd watch my mouth if I were you, because I think we've got some white makeup in the bathroom."
Yeah, it was a dick thing to say. I'm sorry. But she agreed, and so it feels good to be able to share the horrific truth about the Dead Clown Barbecue. Representatives of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, please take immediate action. Thank you.
A book like this is not the work of one person. Sure, it's 99.7% or so the work of one person, but that last .3% is what stops me from looking like a total idiot, so mega-thanks must go to my trusty crew of test readers: Tod Clark, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, and Rhonda Wilson. Any errors in the book are probably things that they pointed out but that I was too arrogant to change. Also thanks to editor/publisher Chris Morey, and, of course, my wife. I love you, sweetie, and I was totally bluffing about the makeup.
PETT SEMMUTEARY
Here lies Scooter, read one of the tombstones. He's humping God's leg now.
I didn't even like the cat I had in the bag. Don't get me wrong, I liked cats in general, but this particular one was a scratchy, bitey jerk. Also, Tipsy was twenty-two years old, a more than respectable age for a cat to leave this world, so I couldn't feel too upset about his passing.
But my wife wanted her cat back, so here I was at the Pet Cemetery. Again. In the middle of the night. With snow on the ground. Hoping I wouldn't get arrested.
My breath, misting in the air, seemed to form the words You're an idiot before fading away.
I found a decent spot and cleared away the snow. Then I began the not-fun process of digging a hole in the frozen ground. A better man than me would not have spent the whole time muttering that my wife should be the one out here doing this, but I muttered away without shame.
Fortunately, the hole didn't have to be very deep — just enough that you could completely cover your pet with dirt. After I got a few shovelfuls of dirt out, I gently placed Tipsy into the grave, and then filled it back in.
"See you soon," I said.
As I walked back inside my nice warm house, Abigail gave me a big hug. "How did it go?" she asked.
I shrugged. "He's in the ground. I guess now all we can do is wait. Are the kids still up?"
"I just tucked them into bed."
I took off my boots and jacket and went upstairs. Five-year-old Reed's eyes were closed, but Becky, my eight-year-old, quickly shut off her Kindle and hid it under her pillow.
"I didn't see anything," I told her. I knelt down and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight, sweetheart."
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Charlie's acting weird."
I glanced over at the aquarium. Charlie was lightly smacking his shell against the glass, tap, tap, tap.
"That's what zombie hermit crabs do," I told her. "You knew that when we brought him back."
"But it keeps me up."
In the aquarium next to Charlie's, six goldfish bobbed on the surface of the water. They'd occasionally swim down until they hit the colored gravel, but mostly they just floated. Reed thought they were way cooler than completely live fish.
"What if I put a towel in there?" I asked. "That way he won't make any noise."
"Okay."
I retrieved a towel from the bathroom closet and draped it over the side of the aquarium. Charlie smacked his shell silently against the cloth.
"Thank you, Daddy."
"Only ten more minutes of reading, okay?"
Becky nodded.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Daddy."
I gave her another kiss, and then went back downstairs. Abigail sat on the couch, looking worried.
"Are you sure he can get out?"
"There's maybe two inches of dirt on him," I said. "He'll be fine."
"But it's snowing."
"That cat shredded the side of our leather sofa. You don't think he can claw his way through some snow?"
"I'm just nervous."
"I'm sure he'll be there as soon as we wake up. C'mon, let's go to bed."
I'd hoped for some reward sex for burying Tipsy, but none was offered. Instead, I fell asleep to the sounds of Abigail's occasional sniffle.
But in the morning, there was Tipsy, sitting on the front porch, meowing for us to let him in. Abigail scooped the cat up into her arms and made kissy sounds at him, and everybody helped wash the dirt off him, even though it made the kids late for school.
When I got home from work, Abigail had been crying.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Tipsy. He's . . . I can't really describe it . . . he's just sort of . . . off."
"Off?"
"Almost like a different cat."
"Well, yeah, that's what happens when you bury a dead cat in the pet cemetery. You knew that."
"I know, but . . ."
"But what?"
"I thought it would be different with Tipsy."
"Tipsy isn't a miracle wonder cat. That was always the deal: you'd get your cat back, but he'd be sort of creepy. We discussed this."
"I know, I know."
"Is he being violent?"
"Oh, no, nothing like that. He's just lethargic. He doesn't care about his treats anymore."
"Zombie cats never do."
"It's just unnerving to have him around."
I sighed. "So what are you saying? Do you want me to put him down?"
Abigail bit her lower lip and nodded.
"Seriously?"
"He's not Tipsy anymore."
"Great. Just great. I freeze my ass off burying this cat and now you want him dead again."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not going to kill the cat. We'll have to take him to the vet, and they're going to charge us to euthanize him, when he was already dead for free."
"I already apologized! What more do you want from me? I'm sorry! I thought I knew what I wanted, but I can't have Tipsy in the house anymore, not like this!"
I was annoyed, but my heart melted as a tear trickled down Abigail's cheek. "It's all right," I told her, giving her a hug. "I'll take care of it. It'll be fine."
Our vet had late hours on Thursdays, so I put Tipsy into the cat carrier (he didn't struggle nearly as much as usual) and took him in. I didn't tell Dr. Turner that I'd already brought Tipsy back to life; I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have approved.
Tipsy let out a soft meow as Dr. Turner gave him the injection, and then went still.
My phone buzzed. I glanced at the text from Abigail: Changed my mind plz bring tipsy home.
Crap.
He's already gone, I texted back.
Plz bring him home.
"I'm going to take his body with me," I told Dr. Turner. "We want to bury it, for the sake of the kids."
> I muttered a lot as I shoveled the snow away, put Tipsy back into the hole, and re-covered it with dirt.
"It's freezing out there," I told Abigail as soon as I came through the front door. "That wind is killer."
"Did you dig a new grave?"
"Nah. I just used the old one."
"Will that work?"
"Sure, why not?"
"I thought you said you were going to dig a new one."
"I never said what I was going to do. Why would it matter? All you're supposed to do is bury it at the pet cemetery; there aren't any rules about digging fresh graves."
"Him. Not it."
"Honey, my fingers feel like they're going to fall off. Could you not hassle me about pronouns?"
"If you weren't supposed to dig a new grave, everybody would just reuse the same one. There'd be one grave in the whole cemetery."
"It's not the whole cemetery that brings pets back. Just that one section. Anyway, I get what you're saying, but this is for the same cat."
"Please . . ."
"All right, all right, I'll rebury Tipsy." At least I hadn't already gotten out of my winter clothes.
The pet cemetery was only six blocks away, which had been an issue when we were first deciding to buy this house ("Won't that be creepy to drive by every day?") but was now pretty convenient.
Fortunately, the snow had mostly let up, so I didn't have to clear much out of the way before I scooped the dirt out of Tipsy's grave. I picked up the cat, which was already stiff, and set him on the ground while I dug a second grave right next to the first.
At least a cat could get out by itself. I'd had to bury each goldfish in water-filled Tupperware and return for it the next morning.
I buried Tipsy again, hoping this cat appreciated what I was doing for him, and then returned home. But I did get some thank-you sex from Abigail that night, so I really couldn't complain.
Tipsy came back, dragging one of his hind legs. No bones seemed to be broken, so we figured that was just what happened when a cat was brought back from the dead a second time. He hissed at things that weren't there and smelled slightly worse than before, but Abigail and the kids seemed happy to get their pet back.
"Ow!" Becky screamed that night. I glanced at the clock. It was one in the morning.