Much of the strain in their relationship can be firmly placed at the feet of Clayton Weatherston and his extraordinary behavioural traits. On one hand he would be praising Sophie as the most intelligent girlfriend he had had. She was beautiful and sure to go places with him. The next he would say she was fat, ugly and stupid. How does a young woman react to that? In Sophie’s case it sent her self-esteem into free fall. Here was a guy, a decade older than her and a lecturer at university, giving her this negative image of herself. No wonder the poor girl came home in tears. Imagine being told by your so-called boyfriend that he’d had lots of girlfriends ‘much better than you’. Yet, and it’s hard to rationalise, he still had a hold over Sophie. What I found strange about the relationship was the volatility of what was supposedly a steady romance — sometimes she wouldn’t see him for a week. Granted, she was busy studying, but he regularly ate out at nights and apparently socialised a lot, yet Sophie was rarely if ever invited. Perhaps the most obvious ‘put down’ while they were still going together related to the job she had been offered at Treasury. One day Sophie came home and, as all too frequently now, was distressed and crying. She was adamant that he was going to ruin her career. I asked her how on earth could he do that and she said he still had friends at Treasury and was going to tell them what an awful person she was. Now to a mature person such idle threats would be seen to be just that. But to a 22-year-old about to embark on her first full-time job, it would have seemed a genuine threat. She was quite distraught and was going on and on until I said, ‘Stop, Soph. Listen to what you are saying. He hasn’t been at Treasury for five or six years. Who does he still know there and what could they realistically do?’ My advice was: ‘Go to Wellington, be the person you are and everything will be fine.’ She looked at me and said, ‘You’re right.’ And that was it.
But this incident highlights the worst in Sophie’s relationship with him. Once she was a bright, self-assured girl, but within months of being with Weatherston she had become easily upset and her self-esteem had plummeted. My feeling is that Weatherston was insanely jealous. When Sophie was accepted into the graduate programme at Treasury, she was thrilled with her posting to overseas trade. Apparently this is what Weatherston had wanted when he worked at Treasury, but he ended up with education. I believe to this day that this was one of the things that rankled with him. He just couldn’t accept that blow to his ego. I wondered if the ‘green-eyed monster’ had begun to awaken.
Soon after this there was another pivotal moment where I wondered where all this was going. Sophie always was a fairly emotional girl in a wearing-her-heart-on-her-sleeve kind of way. Occasionally she would have a down day but no more than any other young woman who studied hard at university, worked part-time (in a photo-processing shop) and led a full-on social life with great friends. Self-esteem-wise Sophie was ‘out there’, very confident and capable. But in the five months with Clayton Weatherston she cried a lot more than she ever did. One afternoon I was in the kitchen and Sophie was leaning on the bench, once again with tears in her eyes. Then she said something that really blew me away: ‘Doesn’t he realise I’ve got low self-esteem?’ I thought that was just not her — Sophie had never ever used those words before. I know she did all she could for Clayton — probably trying to be the perfect woman. But no matter what she did he found a way to throw it back in her face. He had this power and control over her that she couldn’t break away from. When she did come to her senses and break off the relationship, he seemed to find yet another way to get her to try once more. I believe that Sophie’s naïveté allowed him to treat her badly despite her trying hard to please him. Sophie was a forgiving person. If she had a disagreement or argument with a friend she would be the first to phone and say, let’s have a coffee together, or buy them a little gift to heal the rift. My belief is that Sophie became confused at how Weatherston was treating her. Of course, as things transpired, it was all to do with his personality traits, but at the time Sophie, like us, neither knew of, nor was able to recognise, the signs.
The mixed messages, self-centredness and selfishness that fed Sophie’s state of confusion showed up clearly in several episodes I can recall. The first was early in the piece. Weatherston was visiting Sophie and had come downstairs to the dining room. Sophie offered him a drink and he settled for a new strawberry-flavoured herbal tea I had just bought. We were quietly talking when he got up, found a fresh tea bag and poured another drink for himself. I didn’t mind the fact he had another but I was surprised he didn’t bother to ask — a sign of arrogance I wasn’t prepared for. After he left, Sophie remarked on the incident. Not a big issue, but curious just the same. Another occurred one night when Sophie stayed over at his flat. Both were working and she asked him questions about a paper he had taught. Instead of helping her or suggesting she wait until he had finished what he was doing, he retorted, ‘Why didn’t you listen in class or read the textbook?’ When Sophie got home she told me his remarks had been really hurtful. I defended him, saying that he was working on his thesis and perhaps he was stressed too. ‘Well, I have just as much to do as him, if not more. And I don’t treat him like that. He’s supposed to be my boyfriend and the least he can do is help me.’ In rationalising the incident Sophie said that she had a feeling he didn’t understand the paper himself, hence his inability to explain it.
To illustrate Weatherston’s further lack of empathy or his self-centred nature, two other incidents Sophie reported to me are indicative. One evening they were walking in town after having been out for a meal. Sophie had no jacket and remarked at how cold it was, to which Clayton responded, ‘I’d give you my jacket but then I’d be cold.’ Another evening they studied together until late. Feeling peckish they decided to go to a 24-hour supermarket for something to eat. Sophie got a basket and gathered a few items to take back to his place. On the way to the checkout Weatherston took some toiletries he needed and placed them in the basket. On reaching the checkout he removed the toiletries and went to another checkout, leaving Sophie to pay for their food. He was employed at the university as a lecturer, she was a student. Hardly a fair balance, yet Sophie said he seemed quite unconcerned. To my mind, it wasn’t the fact she had been left to pay that was unsettling, it was more the blatant expectation that she would.
Sophie told me she didn’t like sleeping over at his flat. It was, in her words, a pigsty and the bathroom was revolting with hair in the sink and the like. In fact Sophie usually came home for a shower. He rarely cooked, regularly ate out or had takeaways, and although he had a washing machine and dryer his mother collected and did his washing. But what seemed to bother Sophie the most was Weatherston’s previous girlfriend’s belongings, which were still in his flat. When Sophie mentioned this he said it didn’t matter as she would collect them in due course. Maybe so, but in Sophie’s eyes, this was Clayton being insensitive yet again. Interestingly, when the state of his flat was raised during his giving evidence in the High Court I watched his face and there wasn’t a flicker of emotion. I thought anyone would have felt some level of embarrassment, but not him. He seemed totally unconcerned.
Another sign of his unusual behaviour came about on 14 September 2007. The university PhD ball was being held at Larnach Castle. He came to our home to call for Sophie and I must admit they both looked nice. I took a photo of them but had to encourage them to put their arms around each other, which he did somewhat reluctantly. Sophie told me how he would become quite attentive if it seemed there was someone to impress but was more ambivalent when they were alone. Where Sophie was very complimentary about the way he looked, he was far more reserved and made what I would describe as nothing more than a passing comment on her appearance. These incidents are of little consequence on their own but collectively tend to show how everything had to revolve around him. The next day Sophie said it went well although she was embarrassed as Clayton’s self-centred personality was on display for all to see. On arriving at the castle he noticed that there were a couple of seats
vacant beside the vice chancellor and he made a beeline for them and, uninvited, took that prime position. He made an exhibition of himself on the dance floor and generally made it clear people should notice him.
Sophie told me that she felt Clayton was insecure sexually, in that he needed constant reinforcement about how good he was in all sorts of ways. She said he never offered her any support; it was always one-sided. I don’t think she had struck this kind of personality before and it caused her further confusion and anxiety. He made Sophie feel as if his inadequacies were her fault. Sophie confided in me often, even in more intimate matters. She told me one of his annoying habits was to continually want her to draw comparisons between him and any of her previous partners. Although she was reluctant to get pulled into these psychological games, she said he just went on and on about it — was he as good as or better than other men, that sort of thing. I became aware of one occasion where Sophie finally relented and told him. Clayton was not pleased and she regretted having said anything. She told me he was very persistent when it came to sexual issues and wouldn’t accept no for an answer. I don’t know if Sophie really knew how to respond to this.
I know Sophie worked hard, often under stress, but I never thought it would necessitate her wanting to see a counsellor. So when she asked me what she should do, it came as quite a shock. Although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, it is quite appropriate for students of Sophie’s age to seek counselling when faced with relationship breakdowns. Personally I think what compounded Sophie’s normally stressful times with study, work, socialising and everything that goes with it was this weird on-again-off-again relationship, his meanness and self-centred attitude and what I consider his obsession with sex. Sophie took this personally and by implication thought any sexual problems exhibited by him were her fault, that she wasn’t ‘sexy’ enough for him. That, coupled with him in one breath saying she was beautiful and would go places, then in the next saying she was ugly, fat and useless, helped lower her self-esteem greatly. It still angers but at the same time perplexes me as to why she kept going back to him. He must have had something in his make-up that kept attracting her — a sort of persuasiveness, I guess. It was only later, after having sought an in-depth understanding of narcissism, that I came to grips with what that hold really entails. And it is a powerful hold.
In the end Sophie saw a psychotherapist through the student health service. She only went to two sessions, which I subsequently learned were quite revealing. A third session was to be arranged after Sophie returned from a holiday in Australia, but by then she was over Clayton, was moving to Wellington and felt she no longer needed any counselling.
If I ever thought Sophie’s relationship with Clayton Weatherston was really finished, it was on 14 November. With exams finally over, Sophie set off on a well-earned holiday to Melbourne with her best friend Jess and stayed a few days with our son Chris. The Melbourne experience was great for Sophie, giving her confidence for her forthcoming shift to Wellington. After Melbourne the girls flew to Sydney where they stayed at the flat of Sophie’s other brother, Nick. They had a fabulous time seeing the sights, shopping and socialising. This was perhaps the ideal tonic after what had been a stressful and, at times, turbulent few months. But inexplicably, in one of Sophie’s phone calls to tell me how the holiday was going, she said, ‘You won’t be very pleased, but I have rung Clayton.’ When I asked her why, she said she didn’t know, but just felt like talking to him. As it turned out Weatherston was very off-hand with her and she concluded he was probably with another woman.
While Sophie and Jess were in Australia, they spent a few days on the Gold Coast taking in theme parks, swimming and socialising. Sophie met a really nice economics student from Denmark and they seemed to hit it off. Despite her having phoned Weatherston from Melbourne, I really believed she was over him by the time she returned to New Zealand. Arriving home on 6 December she looked a million dollars — relaxed and tanned. The move to Wellington was now only a month away and Sophie got straight back into working full-time at the Spectrum photo-processing centre. She thrived on selling cameras and equipment while learning about the photography business. Photography had become more of a passion than a hobby and she was developing a good deal of expertise.
Several times in Sophie’s diary she made mention of ‘giving Clayton another go’. But although she wanted to remain on amicable terms, there must have been a part of her where alarm bells began ringing. At one stage he told her that if he didn’t get the university position he wanted, he might go to Wellington to be with her. Sophie didn’t want this to happen and confided in me that she hoped he got the job he had applied for. In mid-December he graduated with a PhD. He was now Dr Weatherston. Sophie attended a pre-graduation get-together with friends, colleagues and students from the economics department. She told me the function went well but Clayton still made a bit of an exhibition of himself after drinking and showing off on the dance floor. Typical of Sophie she offered to take photographs of her former boyfriend at his graduation and mount them in an album for him to share the memories of an important day with family. On the Saturday, Clayton showed up at Spectrum to let everyone see him in his regalia before the capping day parade down Dunedin’s main street. He was quite insistent that Sophie should attend his family dinner that night. Although reluctant she agreed to, but only to take post-graduation photos.
That night, 15 December, Sophie went to the restaurant and it was then, for the first time, she met Mrs Weatherston. Sophie had met his father once for a fleeting moment in the university grounds. Although it wasn’t a concern for her, Sophie felt it was a slight that he had also invited an ex-girlfriend to the dinner. It is interesting that this young woman, who still had some of her possessions in his flat and gave evidence of being assaulted by him before Sophie ever came on the scene, would turn up at his graduation dinner. I didn’t know what it was, but there was something about Clayton Weatherston that seemed to keep ex-girlfriends attracted to him. I found it quite odd at the time, but after hearing what psychiatrist Dr Stephanie du Fresne had to say (as detailed in a later chapter), I now understand.
Christmas was a quiet family affair but there was an event, a seemingly simple gesture, which gave me immense joy and a lasting memory of my last Christmas with Sophie. I was working late shift at the hospital so couldn’t take part in the traditional carol-singing. For some years Sophie had come along to the hospital to sing with me. Staff go from ward to ward, turn off the lights and sing carols by candlelight. On this night Sophie was unsure if she could make it, partly as she had her farewell with Spectrum friends and partly because I couldn’t leave the ward to be one of the carollers. I was delighted when the singers got to the fifth floor because there was my Sophie among the doctors and nurses, helping bring a little comfort to patients in hospital at such an important family time. When the singers have been around the wards, they end up in the staff cafeteria having a few nibbles and tea or coffee. I couldn’t attend as I was still on duty so Sophie brought me a Christmas mince tart — a very small gesture but one that will be a lasting memory for me. I was so pleased she had taken time out from her own work farewell to help others. She went back later to join her friends for a drink then came home with me when I finished duty at eleven.
From mid-December to the 27th I don’t think Sophie had any communication with Weatherston other than to send him a ‘Happy Christmas’ text to which he replied ‘Same to you’. Sophie’s days had been devoted to her family and friends throughout the Christmas period. However, she still had much to do before leaving to take on the next big challenge in her life as an economist.
Then, on 27 December, Sophie’s association with Clayton Weatherston turned physically violent and it shocked her. She was obviously proud of the job she had done with the graduation photo album and wanted to give it to him. Although their relationship was over, and despite some of the things he had said to her, Sophie wanted to see his reaction to the photographs. Personally I would
have preferred that she posted the album or left it at the university. She texted him to say she was coming over as she had something to give him. He was pleased with the album and said, ‘There’s your present over there.’ It was a picture of the Titanic. While Sophie liked the movie she wasn’t crazy over it but she knew he was. This Christmas present annoyed her. It was obvious that when she said she had something for him he had looked for something lying around the flat as a reciprocal gift. Sophie thanked him but said she couldn’t possibly take it to Wellington as she had no room in her small flat. He invited her to sit next to him and talk about where they were going. At that point he began to get amorous. Sophie had no intention of having any further romantic attachment with him and asked him to leave it at that. He then suggested they go to the bedroom and she responded by saying, ‘You’re not getting the message, this is over.’ As she stood to leave, his mood suddenly changed. He picked her up, carried her to his bedroom and threw her roughly onto the bed. Sophie began to scream and Weatherston straddled her and put one arm across her throat and a hand over her mouth. As they struggled he began to abuse her with words like whore and slut. In the struggle he lost his grip and Sophie was able to get free and run to her car. He followed, opened the car door and screamed, ‘When you were flying back from Australia I hoped the fucking plane would crash so you would be killed.’
Sophie’s Legacy Page 4