I could see in his eyes how vulnerable he was. He wanted to tell me something. He wouldn't, but he wanted to. He ran his hands along my face before whispering in a hoarse voice, "I love you Delilah," I smiled at him.
"I love you too," I quit asking him if he was okay about the fifth time he got a phone call. He would always tell me the same answer, an answer I knew wasn't true, so I stopped. He didn't want to lie to me so I would help him out the best I could.
"I wish I could tell you everything, but I just can't. You can't know, I want you to so bad," his voice cracked. I shushed him.
"It's alright Isaiah, I understand," I kissed his jaw and he blew out air. I was overwhelmed that he felt so much pain over killing somebody who he didn't know, and was part of a gang that killed people without much thought. I could comprehend it a little bit better now that I actually cared for somebody, but he had a huge heart and wondered how he had gotten sucked into all of this. It pained me that I would never find out.
Chapter Fourteen- There is no Hope
Wind whipped around me violently. I was wearing a black dress and my stomach was huge. Pregnant? I held a gun in my shaking hands, noticed that my left ring finger had a huge diamond on it. Was I engaged? The gun was pointed at a figure in front of me. Isaiah. He was on his knees, with his hands tied behind his back and ankles tied together. He wouldn't look at me.
Derek was standing next to me with a smug smile on his face. "Do it, Delilah?" He said harshly. "Do it and be free," my hands shook harder. Isaiah turned his head and looked at me with his deep brown eyes. I stopped breathing. I could see emotion in them, something I had rarely ever been able to see with him. There was pain, betrayal, and despair. All too quickly it was gone and they had gone hard. A chill went through my body.
How had this happened? What was going on? I was so confused! I looked at Derek and found him staring at me. "Have you changed your mind Delilah? I'll do it for you if you don't want to," he said. Then it hit me. I had asked Derek to let me do the killing so I could do it with the least amount of pain. One shot and he'd barely feel it. I knew that if I let Derek do it, he'd shoot him in non-fatal areas and let him bleed to death. I shook my head.
"I'll do it," I said and took a deep breath. I cocked the gun and aimed, fighting against tears. I willed my body to stop shaking and pulled the trigger.
I sat up in bed, sweating profusely and breathing hard. I looked next to me and found Isaiah sleeping peacefully. I let out a sigh, thank God. I laid my head on his chest and wrapped an arm around his body. His arm reflexively came up and wrapped around my torso and rubbed my back. Tears slipped out of my eyes and I squinted to try and stop them.
Have you ever realized, that the closer you are to quitting something, or letting something or someone go, the tighter you want to hold on to it? You know in your mind, that time is running out so you try to fight time and get as much of whatever is being let go of as you can. That's how I was feeling. I knew that this couldn't last forever. I had a job, and he would find out about it one way or another. He would die, and I would move on to another mission. It was inevitable.
So while I could, I clung to Isaiah. He was warm and tangible at the moment. He wouldn't always be. In a couple weeks or months, he would be cold, lifeless, and buried somewhere, and I would never see him again. My body went cold, my heart stopped, and I froze.
I realized then, that I couldn't live without him. I couldn't do it. He would die, and I would go with him. I laughed to myself. Perfectly star-crossed. Just like fucking Romeo and Juliet. Except, Juliet wasn't hired to destroy Romeo's life. And Romeo didn't have a second identity that he hid from Juliet. And if they hadn't made stupid decisions, they would have gotten a chance to be together. For Isaiah and I, there was no hope.
Chapter Fifteen- Found Out
The dream kept reoccurring and it had me uncharacteristically nervous. Something else that had me nervous… I was late. Yes, late for my period. That was something that never happened to me, I kept careful track of when my menstrual cycle came and left, and it was official, nine days late. I didn't know how I could have been so stupid, Isaiah and I never used protection. When it came to him, I just didn't think about it. We both got so wrapped up in the moment that all thoughts of anything interrupting it vanished.
I forced myself to go to a local drug store this particular day. Isaiah had once again gotten a phone call, and I expected to get a call from Derek soon. I got three different pregnancy tests, just to be certain. I drank a lot of water because it seems that when I actually need to pee, my body goes on shut down and just won't do it. But finally I was able to get my body working with me and waited anxiously. I even bit my nails! I never bite my nails. Slowly the results appeared. I think my heart literally stopped when all of them showed up positive. Fuck. I was pregnant. I sat there for a good half an hour, staring at the tests, not moving a muscle.
My first thought was that the child was not going to have a father. That pained me, for I knew that a father was very important in a child's life. My second thought was how in the world was I going to tell Derek. I knew he would want me to get it aborted. That was something I was not willing to do. I can handle killing full grown adults, they've had their chance to live and most of the people I killed had screwed their chance up so bad that I had no pity for them. Also, I wanted a part of Isaiah with me forever, even if he couldn't be with me. He was the only person I had ever loved and I wanted another person I could love as well.
My final thought though was the worst. I didn't know if I should tell Isaiah about it or not. He wouldn't live to see his offspring grow up. He wouldn't get the joys of seeing his flesh becoming their own person but still being part of him. Did he even want a child? This situation definitely put a damper on my plans.
I was brought out of my thoughts by an urgent knocking on my door. By Isaiah's request I had started locking it. I huffed and stood up, walking over and opening the door. Isaiah was standing there and unwillingly a smile came to my face until I realized that he was not happy. He charged through my door and threw an envelope on my counter.
"I got this today Delilah. I think it might interest you," I opened the letter and my eyes widened. The charade was finally over. The packet held everything about me. My place in the gang, what I did, everything about me. "I'm supposed to kill you!" He screamed. He ran a hand through his hair angrily. "How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" He pulled out a gun. "I would rather take this and shoot myself than cause any harm to you! Where do you stand Delilah? You have played your part so well. Are you proud that I want to off myself instead of you? I knew you were too good to be true. I just fucking knew it!" He pointed the gun at his head and it took all my will power to not gasp and reach for him. I knew what I had to do. He had to leave town. I could not let this man die. I knew he wouldn't kill me, so I had to act cold to him. I had to put on one more façade to drive him away so he couldn't be hurt.
He continued to rant, putting the gun down. "They sent you after me and you played along like you always do. You pretended to care about me, you even pretended to love me," the word 'love' he spat out like it was venom, as if it poisoned him. "At least that's how it started out anyway. It grew into something more didn't it?" The look in his eyes was fierce, but I noted a hint of hope in his voice. I had to look away from those haunting eyes.
"No," I felt like it was all I could say, and I barely got it out, it was merely a whisper.
"You are so full of shit Delilah. I know you, even if you have been lying to me continually since the day we met. I. Know. You." His voice, his beautiful voice was full of pain. I gathered all of my strength together, I could do this if it meant he would live. I looked him in the eyes, but I was trying to look through him to ignore their intensity.
"Isaiah, all you were to me is a puzzle I wanted to solve and another pay check in my pocket," I almost believed myself for a minute with how convincing my voice sounded. He had never laid a harmful finger on my head, but in that brief moment
I thought he would. So many emotions went through his eyes. He was fighting the hurt, and in the end hate won out.
"Alright then… Now that I know how you really feel it will be so much easier leaving this fucking hell hole. I honestly hope you aren't lying this time Delilah. I could get you away from them. Damn it, I could have loved you like no one else ever will," he said harshly. I willed myself not to cry, not to show any emotion when I looked back at him. I could tell in his eyes that he know what I was thinking, he knew what I was doing and he wouldn't sweet talk me out of it. He wasn't that kind of guy.
"I hate you," in that particular moment it was true. He had figured me out, he had cracked me and made me feel things I never had before, and I hated him for it.
There a few sayings I never thought I would understand. I realize now that I have to experience them to know. 'The silence was deafening,' that is one I now understand with perfect clarity.
He had walked out on me with a slammed door of finality. One minute we were screaming and the next I was alone. My heart was the only thing I could hear, pounding hard and fast inside of my ears. There was nothing else; nothing to distract me from my guilty thoughts.
I was alone, in complete silence, with all of my regrets.
Chapter Sixteen- Not Knowing Where to Go
Something grew inside of me. Starting just above my stomach, where my heart should be. It kept getting bigger and bigger until I felt engulfed in it. But it wasn't filling me up. Instead I felt empty, it was as if everything was being sucked out with such intensity that I couldn't breathe.
I tried closing my eyes and thinking of things to calm me. I tried walking and then running. I tried anything I could think of at the time to make this sudden burning void disappear, but nothing worked. Only when I sat down and concentrated on this strange feeling did I realize what was happening… My heart was breaking. I was no longer stone cold Delilah, ruthless killer, heartless bitch.
Oh no, I had a heart and it was in major pain. When Isaiah walked out that door he took a good portion of my heart with him. He was probably putting it through a blender right now. I cried, and screamed, and hit things until my voice was hoarse and my hands were bloody and bruising. Why the hell was I being so stupid? Isaiah could offer me a way out. I wouldn't have to live this life and I would be loved. I could live a normal life! Why was I letting him walk away? Why was I pushing him away?
I thought I was being strong, for his sake. I didn't want to be strong anymore though. I was through with being tough. This was my breaking point. I hated this feeling, it was new and unfamiliar. I was expecting myself to be a pillar. The pressure was too much; this building was going to collapse.
If we were together, we'd have a better chance of survival anyway. We both knew how to fight, to kill, to sneak away. We could run far and not have to worry about being caught. I knew I had to call him before he got too far away. I ran for my phone and dialed his number. It rang four times before I heard his voice.
"You know what? I can't even believe I'm answering this fucking phone right now! What the hell do you want Delilah? Do you want to rip me to shreds some more? That's what your fucking job is right?" I deserved that. I truly did.
"Come get me. Please Isaiah. I changed my mind," I begged, the tears in my voice. He swore a lot before answering.
"Fuck you! Why the hell would I come back for you now? Sure, I may love you. I'll never trust you though. Damn it," he paused. "No, you had your chance. I'm not coming back," he said harshly. Panic welled up inside of me. So I threw the only card I had left on the table.
"Isaiah, I'm pregnant," I said it so quietly that I didn't think he heard me until I heard the sound of squealing tires on the other end.
"Come again?" He asked. I heard horns honking and Isaiah cussing someone out.
"I'm pregnant. I found out today, right before you came over."
"How do I know you're not lying again?" He sounded skeptical and I understood that.
"I have all three pregnancy tests still if you want to see them for yourself."
"Fuck. We didn't use protection. I never even thought about it," he cussed again and then heaved a deep sigh. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes, pack whatever shit you need and bring down those tests, I want to see for myself," and with that he hung up. I quickly ran up to my bedroom grabbing clothes and toiletries and valuables, stuffing them haphazardly into a duffle bag. I took my best camera; because that is something I absolutely wouldn't go without. I took cash that I had saved up too, and finally the pregnancy tests. I ran downstairs just as Isaiah's car pulled up. I threw my bag in his backseat and jumped in. He burned rubber as he pulled away.
"All girls are the same! They can't make up they're damn minds about what the hell they want," he ranted as soon as I was in the car.
"Isaiah, I'm so so so so sorry! I thought it would be best, to push you away. You could run and get out of here, and be safe," I said, looking at him. He wouldn't look at me but kept his eyes on the road.
"Oh stuff it Delilah, I don't want to hear it. I won't believe anything that comes from your mouth right now," he said. I was stunned even though I knew I deserved it. Not once, had he ever been so blatantly rude to me.
"You don't have to speed, Derek doesn't know anything yet. I figure as long as I answer when he calls and keep him informed, he won't suspect anything for awhile," I said looking at the speedometer. He sighed, frustrated, and slowed his speed down.
"So where are those tests?" He asked me. I pulled them out and showed him. He tried to study them as he drove.
"Okay, that doesn't tell me shit. They're just a bunch of lines. Couldn't you have gotten the ones that say yes or no?" He had the cutest frustrated look on his face, and despite the turmoil I had to smile. "We're going to the store to get another test. I don't think you're lying, but I can't be sure because I didn't think you were lying about anything else," he said and tears flooded my eyes again. I knew I had messed up bad, but it still hurt to hear him talking to me with total hate in his voice. "Tears won't help you Delilah, they won't soften me, and they won't make you feel better," he told me. I grunted.
"Right, that's not what you told me the night I started crying when you said you loved me," I muttered, crossing my arms and looking out the window.
"That's before I knew you were a lying, conniving, bi-," he stopped himself, and it actually pissed me off.
"Be a man and say what you want Isaiah. Say it! Tell me what I am. I already know you think it so just fucking say it!" I shouted at him.
"BITCH! That's what I wanted to say. Excuse me for trying to be somewhat decent when all I want is to rip your head off," he growled.
"If ripping my head off will make you feel better, by all means, go ahead. I deserve it," I said rather calmly for how I was feeling. My emotions were going haywire; I heard that happens when you're pregnant.
"No, because I'll end up saying something I regret and then I'll have to beg for your forgiveness, which is something I don't want to do," he sighed. The ride was silent for awhile, he wouldn't even let me turn the radio on to get rid of the awkwardness. "It reminds me too much of our first date, and if I hear you singing I'll forget about my anger. Just let me hang onto it for awhile," and that was the end of that.
An agonizingly long hour later we pulled up to a drug store. He went to get out of the car and I just sat there. He leaned his head back down to the car. "Are you coming or what?"
"I don't have to pee."
"I don't care, drink something then."
"I don't have anything to drink," I told him. He rolled his eyes.
"In case you haven't noticed, we're at a store. I'm sure you can find something to drink, Princess," he flinched after he said princess. He had been starting to call me that lately as a term of endearment.
"Well since you said it so nicely," I said and got out of the car. We walked in and went to the pop aisle first. Mountain Dew always made me have to pee so I got one. Then I followed Isaiah down the pregnancy ai
sle. When we got to the tests his eyes got wide.
"How many of these fucking things do they need?" He groaned. I picked out one that was digital and would spell out 'yes' or 'no' so he wouldn't have a problem understanding it. We walked around, going separate ways for awhile before I felt like I could finally pee. We went up to the counter and Isaiah paid for both my drink and my test and bought him some cigarettes. "I'd get you some but if you really are pregnant, there's no way you're smoking," he told me and gave the woman behind the counter a smile to die for. She blushed and smiled back. My body went cold and the same feeling I had when I thought about other women with Isaiah came back. Jealousy.
I quickly turned and stormed away to the bathroom. On all our dates, all our times out of the apartment, which after having sex were few and far between, he never even paid attention to other girls. And that he was doing so now, bugged me more than I thought would be possible.
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