by Cara Roman
She sat on the side of the pool after that, away from the gossip. Dangling her feet in the water she watched her sons horse around and found herself laughing at their crazy antics. Pulling her phone out she took pictures of everyone. After the sun went down they all loaded into the vehicles and headed into town for the fireworks. Sitting curled up on a blanket in the field as the fireworks exploded in the air, their boom echoing deep in her chest she wished Nolan was here beside her. She took a video of the finale, posting it on her Instagram. She had quite a few followers, her readers keeping up with her. Caitlyn tried to make sure she posted regularly, but always careful not to post any of her sons. It had been hard lately though, just another chore on her list. She had only posted once since getting back from Ireland, a collage of her trip.
They made it back home late, and she sent the boys off to bed. Caitlyn spent hours cleaning up the mess from the party exhausting herself before climbing into her bed. It didn't matter though, she always dreamed of Nolan. Tonight was no different. He sat in a crowded coffee shop staring out the window at people walking past. A pretty blonde woman walked over and tried to chat him up, but he must not have heard her because he never looked over. The woman walked away disappointment written clearly all over her face. Nolan took his phone out and stared at the screen. Caitlyn looked down and saw a picture of her face looking back at her. Waking up to the sun shining in her windows she curled into a ball until the ache in her chest loosened.
The rest of July passed by with each day blending into the previous one. She brought Wyatt to drivers education up at the school every day, picking him back up a few hours later. He started dating Alex, one of the girls in their neighborhood, and they spent the afternoons together hanging out at one house or the other. Mason thought they were annoying with all of their flirting, so he usually went into his room and played video games when she was over. Caitlyn spent hours writing. Lost in the love story she was creating, instead of her own sadness.
Bryan took the boys camping up north for a week at the beginning of August. Left by herself, Caitlyn let the mask fall. She didn't have to pretend everyday that nothing was wrong. She curled up on the couch in an old t-shirt and her comfiest shorts, her hair wound up in a bun, no makeup on, and wrote all day. She fully realized she was just going through the motions, not actually living, but couldn't seem to crawl back to life.
When the boys came home from camping, the back to school frenzy started. Spending hours trudging around at the mall while the boys picked out and endless supply of clothes and shoes. Then they had to stock up on all the pencils, pens, binders, notebooks and all the other supplies that the teachers claimed they needed. Wyatt was in high school, but Mason still had one more year of middle school left. So there were two different school orientation nights to attend, and a handful of teachers to meet.
The school year started with the usual early morning grumpiness. In the final stretch Caitlyn wrote like a demon during the day to finish the book. Wyatt, and Mason were both doing soccer again this fall. Wyatt played through the school, but Mason was still on the youth league for another year yet. Thankfully she took turns with Bryan getting the boys to their practices all week long. Halfway through September she finally sent the finished book off to her editor. After bringing the boys to school one morning she turned the television on. She always fell into a hole when she wrote, but this time it was worse than usual, for obvious reasons.
Flipping it to a popular national morning news program she sat down with her coffee.
The anchors were talking to an older actress Caitlyn liked. She apparently had a new movie coming out soon, and was doing promotions for that. After the interview was done she got up walking into the kitchen to make herself a second cup of coffee. The commercials ended and the sound of screaming echoed out of the television. The anchor was struggling to be heard over all of the excitement.
"Finally, the man of the hour, here to play us his brand new single And You Don't Know live on television for the first time ever, the one and only Nolan Hayes!" Hearing the name Caitlyn dropped her mug, the ceramic shattering everywhere on the kitchen floor as she stumbled back into the living room. Standing there frozen she watched as his handsome face filled the screen. His hair was styled up off his face in purposeful disarray, and he had shaved his beard off. But there was no mistaking, she spent too much time staring into that face, this was her Nolan. He was holding a guitar in front of him, fingers dancing over the strings as the music started. The screaming hushed, the crowd in front of him filled with breathless anticipation. The camera zoomed in tight on his face when he sang the first line. She could see the pain swimming in his eyes, clear as day. He sang slowly into the microphone, his low voice pouring everything he was feeling into the words.
My love such a beauty hurts to see
My love left and took the best of me
I love you still baby
And you don't know
You got the best of me
Still holding the heart you gave me to keep
Your love was the best I ever had baby
And you don't know
That you're leaving me half a man
Caitlyn sat down hard on the couch with a thump watching him sing the rest of the song. He politely thanked the crowd when he was done, and another of the anchors announced, "Nolan's highly anticipated new album Definitely Memorable will be out next month, he's spent a long time writing it, but you won't have to wait to much longer to get your hands on it!" They cut to some news story that Caitlyn didn't even bother to pay attention to.
Sitting there on the couch she picked her phone up and called her dad, asking him to come over. She was still sitting there when he walked in the door twenty minutes later. The broken coffee mug still on the kitchen floor, television still playing. He had to call her name twice before Caitlyn realized he was even there.
"Darling, whats wrong?" He asked, the concern clearly written all over his face.
"Dad, remember when you said I could tell you what happened to me in Ireland when I was ready? I think I need to tell you now." Caitlyn told him everything in a rush, barely breathing between words. Every day spent with Nolan, all the magical little moments. She even told him how much chemistry they had without giving him too many details about the sex that he wouldn't appreciate. She told him about stupidly forgetting to use a condom when they'd had too many pints. How she left him still asleep, hightailing it all the way to up Belfast when she couldn't fly home sooner. He listened to the whole thing without interrupting once.
"That's why you have been wandering around like a zombie for the last few months?" Caitlyn nodded at him, tears shimmering in her eyes.
"What happened this morning?" He asked gesturing at the spilled coffee on the floor.
"I finished the book I was working on late last night, sent it off to editing. After bringing the boys to school this morning I turned on the morning news. Easy enough, drink my coffee and catch up on whats been happening in the world while I was locked away in a book." With a frustrated little laugh she added. "Except he was on the TV Dad!"
"Nolan?" He asked.
"Apparently so. He told me his name, and I guess thinking about it now, maybe it was a test, but I had no idea who the hell he was."
"Honey, even I know who Nolan Hayes is. You must've been living under a rock." He said pulling out his phone showing her that he had some of Nolan's songs. "Although I probably wouldn't recognize him on sight, I like his sound, but his good looks are lost on me." He laughed.
"I'm such a fool. Who falls in love with a rock star?" She shook her head. "I thought he was some normal guy from Dublin, Dad." She stood up stalking into the kitchen, grabbing a broom and cleaned the mess up ranting the whole time. Her Dad followed her, settling himself on a stool while she got it all out. Finally she looked over at him. "What am I supposed to do?'
"Well, do you love him?" He asked her already knowing the answer.
"So much, I can't breathe sometimes it
hurts so bad to be away from him." She said rubbing a hand over the ever present ache in her chest.
"Then I suggest you tell him. This time let him decide if its too crazy to jump into this. From what you said about the song he was singing I'm thinking he's been missing you too darling."
Chapter 18
After her dad left Caitlyn decided it might be a good idea to educate herself. Pulling out her phone she downloaded both of Nolan's previous albums, his self titled debut, and the follow up one called Not Done Yet. Setting at the island while her phone played song after song of his she was busy reading all about him on her laptop. The first link she clicked on was a fan page, and strangely enough it seemed to be dedicated to the cleft in his chin. There were dozens of posts detailing everything the owner of the page wanted to do to Nolan's chin, some of them not quite physically possible. Laughing she clicked back out. That was not a road she planned on going any further down. Although in all fairness, the girl hadn't been too far off about how earth shattering it would be to sit on his face.
It surprised Caitlyn that although there were plenty of rumors about his love life he had kept it all quietly under wraps. It seemed that if Nolan was in the vicinity of a female celebrity he must be dating her to the media. There were hundreds of tabloid pictures taken by paparazzi, hungry for the next big scandal. Mostly he was doing mundane every day things, getting groceries, pumping gas, Christmas shopping. He had the exact same expression in every single one of those pictures. His eyes had a distinct blankness, his jaw was noticeably tense, and there was an annoyance easily readable in the set of his shoulders. This man hated being hounded by the press. Caitlyn remembered the look on his face when she had joked about never taking a bad picture. She understood now that he must feel like there were too many pictures of him floating around, and he couldn't do a damn thing to change it.
Finding herself bopping along to his music still playing, she clicked on his official website and read his biography. Surprisingly she knew most of it already. He had been honest with her about himself, he just left out the tiny detail that he was a mega famous rock star. Although he seemed to describe himself as a singer/songwriter. Looking into it she found he wrote all of his own songs, and plenty for other artists as well. Everyone who had ever worked with him said that he was a great guy. Nobody seemed to have any on going feuds with him, which was a rarity in the world of A-list celebrities.
His debut album ended, and his second one started playing. He had definitely matured in between, his sound changing enough to reflect that. A few songs in the title track, Not Done Yet, started playing, and she instantly recognized it. She had heard it literally everywhere about two years ago, it was inescapable. But as Caitlyn sat back, she was transported back to Ireland. This was the song Nolan had hummed as he held her in his arms, the rain soaking them through to the skin. He had hummed his own hit song in her ear while he danced with her. That moment took on a whole new meaning now that she knew he was sharing an important piece of himself with her. Lyrically speaking the song was about falling in love with a woman who he knew didn't love him enough, but even though he knew she didn't he wasn't done falling yet. It was simply beautiful, and leaned more towards hopefulness rather than sadness.
After the second album was done playing she looked up his new song And You Don't Know. It had been released to radio the week prior, and Nolan was doing a few interviews at the different stations to promote it. Her hands shaking Caitlyn clicked on the video of the first interview with a well known nationally syndicated radio DJ.
"Welcome back to the show Nolan, good to see you again man. It's been what, two years?"
"Good to be back. Yeah, its been, just shy of two years, I think. I had the world tour, and then took some time off back home recently to write me new album." Nolan replied easily.
"That new single of yours is already burning up the charts, its gonna be another smash hit I'm sure."
"Thanks bud." Nolan said with a genuine smile.
"Oh, yeah yeah, its true. You seem to write a lot of love songs though for a man who is always single, Nolan. How does that work exactly?" The DJ said.
"Well, in this business I've always thought it was best to be single" Nolan held his fingers up making air quotes around single. "Kinda like the forms ye fill out, choices are married, or single. Not been married last I checked, so single it is." He chuckled.
"But that doesn't really mean single then." The DJ pushed.
"I mean, I'm a 25 year old man, I've obviously dated here and there of course." Nolan said with a nervous laugh.
"I'm sure women are all over you with that accent man, its gotta be like catnip."
"I've heard some are fond of the sound of it, sure." Nolan said taking a sip of water from the bottle in front of him.
Changing tactics he asked Nolan, "so, everyone's already buzzing about the inspiration for And You Don't Know. I've heard a few theories. I hate to ask, but you know I gotta, you know I do. What is it about?" The DJ said with a smile that said he didn't hate asking at all, not in the least. In fact Caitlyn thought the man was enjoying watching Nolan squirm.
"C'mon now. All that yer asking is who I've been shaggin'. When have I ever answered that about any of me other tunes?" Nolan said uncomfortably.
"That's true, you've always been very closed mouthed about women in your life who may have inspired your songs. You're not one to air dirty laundry like that." The DJ said visibly disappointed.
"A real man never kisses and tells. He'd never convince another woman to kiss him again if'n he did that." Nolan said with a little laugh, and Caitlyn could tell it was an answer he used often.
"You've got the new album that is coming out next month, whats the name? And is the vibe of the rest of it like the single you just brought out?" The DJ asked.
"Ah, yeah next month. I've called it Definitely Memorable. Well if all the songs sounded exactly like And You Don't Know then it would get pretty boring to listen to I'd think? I try to make sure there is a good mix of up tempo songs thrown in there with the more sappy ones." Nolan said fidgeting.
"Why Definitely Memorable, is that a song on it?" The DJ asked honing in on Nolan's comfort level. This man was relentless.
"No, its a line in one of the songs though. I, ah, was about half finished with the album when I took a break back home. The songs I wrote after that are pretty personal to me, but I want people to listen to me songs and interpret them through their own experiences. I wrote them from mine, but if I assign my meaning to them for everyone that's not what music should be about." Nolan was biting his thumb nail now.
"Are you planning to tour this album?"
"I've got some shows in the next few months, along with this promo, yeah. I like touring though, being up on a stage, suits me right down to the ground. Nothing better." Nolan said laying a hand up on chest and grinning.
The DJ wrapped the interview up then launching into the news of the day before the video ended. Caitlyn couldn't watch any more, listening to him grill Nolan made her skin crawl. She thought that was probably tame compared to some of the questioning he had to have faced before. Seeing this side of him was certainly enlightening though. He was always so open with her, full of charm and affection ready to give. But to the rest of the public he came across as a deeply private man. He didn't discuss his personal life, didn't parade models around town on his arm. And he most definitely could have, he was certainly handsome enough, which honestly wouldn't have even mattered with his level of fame.
Realizing it was time to get her sons from their schools, the day had flown by while she all but stalked Nolan. Today was her day to get the kids to soccer practice too. Wyatt walked to the field from school, it was all part of the same complex but would need a ride home at five thirty. Mason had practice across town until five. That left her with about two hours to kill. Usually that wasn't a big deal, because she would bring her computer along and get some work done. But with her latest project off being edited she was at a bit o
f a loss. Sitting in the bleachers with a few of the other soccer moms while Mason ran drills she logged on to her Instagram, to check her notifications. Unable to help herself while on there though, she searched Nolan's page out. It was easy enough to find him, what with him having millions of followers and all. The man could probably take over the world if the urge hit him. "Jesus" she whispered to herself. If Nolan was private in interviews then his social media accounts were his outlet. He posted frequently. His page was full of selfies with the guys in his band, cool places he visited in his travels, and some official photographs for this or that event. He seemed genuinely accessible, and his fans clearly loved it.
Going back she saw that he didn't post at all during June. That entire month was missing from his timeline, which seemed to be unusual for him. The next picture he posted wasn't until the fourth of July. He was standing with his hands in his pockets in front of a soundboard in a studio somewhere. The caption said, "working on this album for ya, happy independence day America, have a good one." There were firework and beer emoji's after that. He was wearing the navy flat cap she had bought him. In fact every picture he posted of himself since then seemed to have that hat on his head. As she was scrolling through he posted a picture of the view out over the Atlantic from the Cliffs of Moher. With it he said, "Missing June sunshine in Ireland." There were no silly faces, or hashtags this time. But Caitlyn just knew without a doubt that he meant her.
Tears welled in her eyes as she excused herself from the group of moms, rushing to her car. Sitting in the drivers seat she rode the roller coaster of emotions flying through her. Laughing with tears streaking down her face. Nolan still thought about her, he missed her. As soon as she soaked that in she thought, "but what the hell does that matter? I was worried about complicating his life before when I thought it was an ordinary one. Now its even more complicated."