Karly stopped playing.
I heard laughter coming from the audience. I looked down. Everyone—all the other performers, and Ms. Kumar—stared at us.
“What was that?” Kevin sounded mad.
“Our new ending. I thought you’d like it.”
He wiped his cheek where I’d tried to kiss it. “Yeah, no, that’s not going to work.”
More laughter sounded from the audience.
“Sasha and Kevin, why don’t you two take a moment.” Ms. Kumar pointed toward backstage. “And everyone else, I need your attention.” She sat down at the edge of the stage. “We need to go over some final details.”
“But why not?” I whispered to Kevin as we walked backstage. “I thought you wanted me to kiss you.”
“Wait, what?” He shook his head. “Why? Why would I want you to kiss me?”
“Because you like me,” I whispered. “You did all these things, like teasing and trying to make me laugh, things I thought meant …” I looked down at my tutu; one of the candy cane appliqués had fallen off.
“Sash. You know you’re my best friend, but I don’t like you, not like that.”
I felt dizzy, as if everything around me was shifting. He didn’t have a crush on me? Kevasha was crumbling and I was trying to find something I could hold on to. “But this whole time with the gifts. You knew I was your Secret Snowman, and you liked it.”
“Uh, no.” His face reddened. “I didn’t know.” Kevin ran his hand through his hair. “I thought it was Ryan.”
“Ryan? Why would you want Ryan to be your Secret Snowman?” As soon as I said it out loud I knew the answer, but it didn’t make sense.
“I like Ryan.” He leaned against the wall.
“But …”
“Sash. I’m gay.”
My stomach dropped. “You’re gay? What … Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know. Everything’s kind of confusing. Ryan’s my first, like, real person crush, and I wasn’t sure—”
“But you should’ve told me. I’m your best friend.” I saw another candy cane appliqué that had dropped onto the ground. “Was,” I said quietly. “I was your best friend.”
“Sasha.” Kevin reached toward me, but I turned and ran out of the auditorium.
Chapter Twenty-One
FAILURE
Outside, the wind blew hard and the snow pelted my face as I started walking toward home. I pulled my hat out of my pocket—it was the one Miss Melinda had given me, the one I’d worn to Downtown D’Lights Night. I shuddered, remembering my failed first date with Kevin. It wasn’t a date. At least, not for Kevin and me. I thought of Kevin and Ryan skating together on the ice and the pictures on Instagram. I should’ve known. My mind flashed forward to what had just happened on the stage. I was so embarrassed. How was I ever going to face everyone again?
I pulled the hat low over my ears, wishing I could pull it over my whole face. I wanted to disappear.
Tears ran down my cheek, and I rubbed them away with my mitten. How could I be so stupid? While I’d been busy checking off clues and coming up with ways to tell Kevin I liked him, I hadn’t seen what was really happening—that Kevin and Ryan liked each other.
I kept my head down. Everything was quiet except the crunch of my boots on the snowy sidewalk and the swishing sound of cars driving past me. It was dark except for their headlights and the occasional streetlamp.
Two blocks away from school, I heard a car pull up next to me.
“Sasha!” Mom called through the rolled-down window.
I climbed over the snow bank and opened the door.
“Hi,” she said.
I slid into the seat next to her. Heat blasted from the vents. I pulled off my hat.
“Karly called. She said you were walking home.”
Nodding, I stretched the seatbelt over my coat and buckled.
“You should’ve called me.”
“Can we just go home?” As soon as I said the word home, I started to cry.
Mom didn’t start driving. She reached for a tissue from her stash in the glove compartment. “Sasha, what’s going on? Is this about your grades?”
I snatched the tissue from her hand. “No, this isn’t about my grades.” I wiped my face.
“Is it about the apartment? I promise it will start to feel more like home.” She reached out to touch my knee, but my body jerked away before she could reach me. “What is it? I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me.”
“You can’t fix this.” Snow hit the windshield and turned to slush.
“Maybe not.” Mom turned on the windshield wipers. “But sometimes talking about it makes you feel better.”
I didn’t want to talk. Not to Mom. Not to anyone.
“Why don’t you take a hot bath?” Mom suggested as we stepped inside the apartment.
I pulled off my boots and stuck them in the tray by the door. “Okay.”
She took my coat and hung it up. My phone was in its pocket, but the last thing I wanted to do was look at it. What if someone had videoed the ending of our routine and posted it on Instagram? I shivered.
“A bath is just what you need.” Mom handed me a small bag. “This was going to be a stocking stuffer, but I think you could use it now.”
As I opened the bag, the scent of sweet vanilla escaped. Inside was a bath bomb.
“Did you see how cute it is?”
I pulled out the package—it was actually three bath bombs, forming a snowman. “Yeah.” It was super cute, but I couldn’t get myself to say it.
As I ran the water, I watched the bath bomb dissolve, breaking down into little bits until only tiny grains were left. In the tub, I sunk down low under the warm water. The scent of vanilla made me think of the sugar cookies Pete and I had baked. At least those would be a success.
Back in my room, Mom had laid out my fleece pajamas—my favorite ones. I put them on and flopped onto the bed, staring into space.
“Can I get you something to eat?” Mom asked, popping her head into my room. “A hot cocoa?”
“Nah. I’m good.”
When Mom closed the door, my eyes drifted over to the top of my bookshelf. There was Kevin’s top hat, the one Ryan had given to him. The one I’d basically stolen.
I grabbed my pillow and buried my head in it. I should’ve known. I should’ve known a lot of things.
True, I was angry Kevin hadn’t told me he liked Ryan (or boys, in general). But mostly, I was angry with myself. Angry that I’d turned Kevasha into some sort of school project where I wouldn’t stop until I got a one hundred. I’d chosen Kevin not because I had romantic feelings for him, but because when Karly said she had a crush, I thought I needed to have one too.
And Kevin seemed like the obvious answer. Never once did I actually think about feelings—Kevin’s or mine.
I lay down and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Two
A SNOW DAY
In the morning, Mom woke me up.
“Sasha.” She handed me the phone. “It’s Claire. She wants to talk to you.”
“Hello,” I said, my voice groggy. “Where are you?”
“California—but don’t worry, I’ll be home tonight.”
At the window, Mom opened the blinds. I squinted. Everything outside was bright and white and blowing. What time was it?
“You have a snow day today!” Mom said. “Ms. Kumar sent an email saying she’s trying to reschedule the show for Friday night.”
I sat up.
“Don’t worry,” Claire said. “I’m not missing the show!”
“Okay.” I was glad the show wasn’t cancelled. Yes, dancing with Kevin would be awkward, but we’d worked so hard, and our dance was really good. Our costumes were super cute. I wanted the chance to perform, and maybe to win. Plus, the Senior Center was counting on us. “I can’t wait for you to get here.”
Mom gently pulled the door shut as she slipped out of my room.
<
br /> “Me neither.” Claire paused. “So Sash, what’s going on?”
“Did Mom tell you to call me?”
“Yeah. She’s worried. She thinks she’s putting too much pressure on you. Are you stressed about Mom wanting you to apply to Tech Magnet?”
“I mean yes, sort of, but that’s not why I’m upset.”
“What is it?”
“It’s Kevin.” I sunk my head back on the pillow.
“Did you talk to him?”
“Talk? Not really, but I did try to show him how I felt.” I cringed, thinking about my ridiculous Secret Snowman gifts and my attempt to kiss him on stage. “Basically, I made a total fool of myself. And then he told me he liked Ryan.”
“Ryan? Hmm. Do I know him?”
I sat up. “He’s an eighth grader. He was in the show last year. Remember the illusionist?”
“Oh, yeah. He was awesome.”
“Well, Kevin thinks so too. I can’t believe Kevin’s gay, and I didn’t even know it.”
“Okay. Kevin’s gay.” Claire did not sound surprised. “So now you know. What’d you say when Kevin told you?”
“Say? Not much … I kind of ran off.”
“You ran off?”
“What was I supposed to do?”
“Sash,” Claire said. “I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you wanted. But what Kevin told you isn’t about you. It’s about him. He shared something really important with you, about who he is. That’s not easy.”
“Yeah, well, what I did wasn’t easy either.”
“I know.”
“What should I do now?”
“I think Kevin needs his best friend.”
Claire was right. But I didn’t know how to make that happen, and this time, I wasn’t going to Google it.
After our call, I took a deep breath and scrolled through my phone notifications. There were a string of texts from Karly, telling me to call her. There was a message from Pete: You okay?
As I slid my finger across the screen, I read the last text. It was from Kevin. No words. No emojis. Only a question mark.
I thought about what Claire said. Running off when your best friend tells you he’s gay wasn’t the smoothest move.
Bracing myself, I scrolled through my feed on Instagram. There were the usual selfies and a bunch of Snow Day memes, but there was nothing about my failed kiss. On Anna’s insta, there was a photo from the dress rehearsal.
#WishUsLuckWeNeedIt #WorstRehearsalEver.
That was it.
#Relieved.
By noon, the snow had stopped and the sky was starting to clear, and I had an idea. It wasn’t some big elaborate plan. There weren’t a list of clues or cheesy gifts. It was simple, but I hoped more than anything it would get Kevin and me back into the friend zone—the best friend zone.
“Do you know where my snow pants are?” I asked Mom, who was at the table, wrapping a gift. She’d taken her last exam the day before and she already seemed more relaxed.
“Check in my closet. There’s a box marked WINTER.”
A few minutes later when I swished back into the living room, Mom said the streets were plowed and Claire’s flight was scheduled to take off soon.
“I’m going to leave for the airport in a couple of hours. You want to come with me?”
“Yes, but first I need to do something.”
“Go!” Mom shooed me toward the door. On the way out, I grabbed the bag where I’d put the things I needed.
Outside, everything was sparkling and white. Neighbors shoveled their driveways and sidewalks. I climbed over a massive snow bank to cross Main Street. When the sun broke through the clouds, I tilted my head toward the sky, where a swatch of deep blue appeared.
Outside Sugarman’s, I spotted Pete shoveling the sidewalk. I walked faster, my heart beating quicker.
“Hey.” He leaned on the shovel. “Did you hear the show’s been rescheduled for tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” I said. “You think our cookies are going to be okay?”
“No problem. I’ll take them out of the freezer tomorrow morning.”
“Thanks! I’m worried people aren’t going to know that the show is rescheduled, though.”
Pete pointed to a poster on the door of Sugarman’s:
RESCHEDULED!
THE HOLIDAZE SPECTACULAR
WILL BE
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 22ND
“Nice,” I said, snapping a picture of it with my phone and posting it on Instagram. “Did you do this?” I asked. But I knew he had. It was a Pete thing to do.
Pete glanced down Main Street. “I hung them at the other shops and at the library, and the Senior Center too.”
“Thank you. I say that a lot, don’t I?” I blushed. “I mean, you’re always doing such nice things and I …”
“You’re welcome, Sasha.” Then Pete smiled and despite it being twenty degrees outside, I felt as warm as if it were a summer day.
Once I reached the Hall’s house, I stopped halfway up the path to their front door and turned into the yard. The snow was deep—I sunk in up to my knees.
I put down my bag and gathered up snow, packing it into a ball. Then I rolled it, and it grew larger and larger until it was the perfect size for the base. Then I started on the middle snowball, heaving that on top of the base when it was done. After I made the head and positioned it on top, I pulled out the supplies I’d brought from home. There were buttons for the eyes and an upside-down candy cane for the nose. It looked good. Two candy canes on their sides with the hooks outward and facing up formed the smile. That was a little more awkward looking, but it was the best I could do. And I made a scarf with a piece of tulle left over from our tutus.
Then I pulled out Kevin’s top hat and perched it on top of the snowman.
“Finally!” Kevin stood on the top step outside the front door. “My hat!” Then he jumped off the stoop into the yard deep with snow. “YES!”
I laughed.
“Sasha!” He brushed off his snow pants.
“I’m sorry,” I said when he reached me.
“You’re sorry you stole my hat?”
“No.” I hit his puffy coat. “I’m sorry I made things weird between us.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Yeah. It might’ve spared me some major public humiliation, but that’s okay.” I smiled.
“We’re okay, right?” He picked the hat off the snowman and stuck it on his head. “Best friends?”
“Best friends.” I reached down and threw a handful of snow at him.
It exploded on Kevin’s coat. “Nice shot!” He tilted his head from side to side and tapped the top of the hat. “I don’t know, I’m thinking I might not wear it. I’m thinking …” He lifted it off his head and put it on mine. “You should.”
“No. No way!”
Karly appeared on the front steps, and I threw the hat to her. “Bury it!” I yelled, but she didn’t bury it. She put it on her head.
“I’ll wear it!”
We chased each other through the front yard, stealing the hat, until all three of us flopped down in the snow, smiling wide and breathing hard.
Later in the Hall’s kitchen, we ate popcorn, laughing and trying to toss pieces into each other’s mouths.
“I’m trying to figure out if Ryan likes me,” Kevin said.
“He likes you.” Karly picked a kernel off the floor.
“But how do you know if someone likes you?” he asked.
I dropped my head down onto the counter. I was pretty sure I had nothing helpful to say.
“There are usually clues,” Karly said.
“Clues?” I looked up at her. “Did you Google that?”
“Yeah, that’s how I figured out Ahmed liked me.”
“Well, what are they?” Kevin asked. “Tell me.”
“Does he call you?” I said. “Or stare at you?”
“Or try to impress you?” Karly said. “Or tease you?”
“O
r compliment you?”
“Or try to make you laugh?”
“I don’t know,” Kevin said.
“Basically, it’s everything a best friend does,” I said.
“But it feels different,” Karly said. “Like your stomach gets funny, or you—”
“Get a warm feeling,” I said, suddenly thinking about Pete.
“Yeah, like sometimes I’ll be talking to Ahmed, and I’ll just start blushing.”
I put my hand on my cheek. I was surprised, because I knew exactly what Karly meant.
Later, right before I went home, Kevin handed me the top hat. “Don’t forget this. If you don’t take it, who knows—I may end up wearing it!”
“Wear it.” I waved it away. “I was giving it back to you so you would wear it. I want you to.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Ryan was right. It’s perfect.”
“Sash-aaaa,” Kevin and Karly sang my name as I headed out the door. I was pretty sure it was my favorite sound in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Three
SHOWTIME!
On the morning of the Holidaze Spectacular, I was surprisingly relaxed. Maybe it was because Claire was home. Maybe it was because I slept late. Maybe it was because Mom made French toast and the three of us sat around talking and laughing, wearing our pajamas and fuzzy socks until eleven thirty. Maybe it was because I had my best friends back.
That afternoon, Claire drove me to pick up the cookies from Sugarman’s. Pete helped us load everything up and wished me good luck.
When we were back in the car, Claire turned to me and said, “What about him?”
“What?” I said, blushing. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
“He’s adorable!” Claire nodded toward the market.
“He is, isn’t he?” My words surprised me, not because I thought them but because I’d said them out loud. “But we’re just friends.”
Claire arched her eyebrows. “You sure about that?”
Standing backstage, I heard the auditorium filling up—there was talk and laughter and coughs and a crying baby. And somewhere, I knew the director of the Summer Academy was sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the show to begin, ready to judge us.
Stretching, I lifted my hands over my head, clasped my fingers together, and arched my back, leaning farther. But as I stretched, the candy cane appliqué that we’d glued onto the leotard popped right off and fell to the floor.
Peppermint Cocoa Crushes Page 13