“I’m really glad you had a good time.” He stood there with his hands in his pockets for a few seconds before saying, “Good night.”
And with that, he walked past me back to his room, closing the door.
I wouldn’t get the answer to my black and white question until a chance encounter in the bathroom later that night.
CHAPTER 12
Needless to say, I wasn’t able to sleep at all. After changing into a pair of cotton boy shorts and a tank top, I just sat up in bed, shaking my foot nervously, trying to figure out what his deal was.
He flat out told me I was beautiful and made me feel like I was the only woman in that entire karaoke bar, but when given the opportunity to make a move, he wouldn’t budge. Even the damn fortune cookie was frustrated.
The alcohol was still making its way through me. I pushed off my covers and marched to the bathroom, noticing from under the closed door that the light was still on in his room.
When I entered the bathroom, Jake’s bare chest smacked me in the face.
“Whoa! Are you okay?” he asked as he rubbed his calloused thumb over my forehead. There was still a hint of alcohol on his breath. His scent and the quick contact of his chest against my breasts made me feeble.
“Yeah…I’m fine. Sorry, I didn’t think to check if you were in here. The light in your room was on, so I assumed you were in there.”
He leaned against the sink and crossed his arms. “What are you still doing up?”
“I can’t sleep, so I came in here to pee.”
He moved away fast from the sink. “Oh…well, I should probably let you do that.”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Right,” he said before walking out and closing the door.
I sat down to pee, but even though I had to go so badly, nothing would come out because I was still focusing on him.
After running the water for about twenty seconds, I was finally able to go since the streaming sound helped me relax.
When I left the bathroom, I saw that Jake had left his bedroom door wide open, and I took that as a silent invitation to enter.
It was one in the morning, and he was sitting on his bed with his laptop. He closed it when he noticed me at the doorway. I walked toward him and sat at the end of his bed. He was still shirtless and wearing a pair of navy blue sweatpants that hung low displaying the top of his gray boxer briefs.
He sat up straighter. “How was your pee?”
“Fantastic.”
“Good to hear.” His eyes wandered to my chest, causing my nipples to harden.
Bingo.
“What were you looking at?” I asked.
My question broke his staring, and he suddenly looked up in a daze. “Huh?”
“On your laptop.”
“Oh…on my laptop…right. Just useless surfing.”
“I see.”
We were just looking at each other for a few seconds when our silence was interrupted by the sound of the bed next door squeaking repeatedly.
Great.
Not only did I have no desire to hear Ryan, who was basically a brother to me, having sex with my best friend, but it made an already awkward situation so much worse.
You could cut the sexual tension in the air with a knife, but we both laughed it off.
“You think they’re having sex?” Jake asked sarcastically.
I looked down in embarrassment. “Should we just pretend it’s not happening?”
“Yeah. You wanna do a math lesson?” he joked as the noises from next door continued to get louder.
“Sure.”
“Let’s see…we can talk about the probability of sixty-nine.”
I giggled. “I would say based on that noise, it’s very high.”
Jake bent his head back in laughter and I could see his tongue ring. It was so incredibly sexy, and I wanted to know what it would feel like against my own tongue.
Finally, the noises stopped, and we were once again left with a loss for words. But I wasn’t going anywhere.
Jake was nervously picking at the lint on his comforter, flicking it onto the ground. He was looking down when he made a comment that shocked me. “I bet that prick ex-boyfriend of yours sucked in bed.”
Of all the things he could have said, I definitely wasn’t expecting that, but I was holding back nothing tonight.
“Actually, he did…big-time.”
He stopped what he had been doing and sat up straighter against his headboard, almost backing away from me. “So, you have had sex.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“See, now I’ve made you blush. I am sorry. You just strike me as a certain kind of girl.”
“What kind of girl is that?”
“It’s nothing bad. Just…innocent…maybe a virgin.” He looked up at the ceiling and smiled mischievously. “The kind of girl that guys like me are dying to corrupt.”
Shit.
I remained silent.
And I’m dying to be corrupted by you.
I cleared my throat. “Well, in answer to your question…yes, I have had sex, but it was just with him.”
“He was your only, and he sucked in bed? That’s unfortunate.”
“Yeah. It was unfortunate. I never even actually…you know…with him.”
“You never what?” His eyes widened when he realized what I meant. “You never came? You never even had an orgasm?”
I hesitated. “Not from another person.”
He was looking down and started picking at the comforter again, but there was no lint left. He looked frustrated and uneasy. For several seconds, the silence in the room was deafening. Then, he said, “So…you come when you touch yourself.”
“Yeah.”
He closed his eyes briefly and suddenly looked up at me. “Sex doesn’t count if he didn’t make you come, Nina. You’re basically still a virgin.” He bit his lip then said, “He had sex. You didn’t.”
It was amazing how the same set of eyes could send me so many different messages just in the way he looked at me. The same eyes that could intimidate me, joke with me, comfort me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay…now looked at me like he wanted to eat me alive. And I wished more than anything he would just do it.
I jumped when he moved because I thought he was going to touch me. Instead, he abruptly got up and opened his window. Cold air rushed in as he walked over to the bedside drawer and reached for the cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it. Inhaling deeply, he slowly blew the smoke outside as he sat against the edge of the windowsill.
“Why are you smoking? I thought you quit.”
He shook his head. “I did. But I really needed one, and I need to keep my distance right now.”
“Why?”
He didn’t answer me and continued to alternate between inhaling, exhaling and flicking the ashes out the window.
I repeated, “Why are you smoking?”
His breath hitched, and he finally turned to me. “You really want to know why I’m smoking?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Because it’s keeping my mouth occupied and stopping me from doing something I shouldn’t right now.” He took another long drag. “You should probably go back to your room.”
My pulse raced. “You’re smoking and telling me to leave because you want to kiss me?”
He looked up at the ceiling and laughed like he didn’t mean it. Then, he inhaled and looked over at me. Smoke streamed out of his mouth when he said, “I wouldn’t tell you to leave if I only wanted to kiss you, Nina. I am telling you to leave because I want to taste you and make you come until you scream in every possible way imaginable. It was all I could think about all night long. It’s why I couldn’t sleep. But now that you just told me no man has ever done that…fuck. That’s why I am smoking if you really want to know.”
He had managed to render me completely speechless, and I couldn’t tell if my panties were just wet or whether I peed slightly.
&nbs
p; He repeated in a raspy whisper. “I really think you should go back to your room.”
Despite his direct suggestion, my body did not move from that spot at the edge of his bed. He continued to stay by the window, staring outside even after he put out the cigarette. His handsome side profile lit up in the moonlight.
Something wasn’t right. If he wanted me, why wouldn’t he just take me? And I’ve shown him that I wanted him. He’s certainly not a virgin. We knew that from day one.
The air was getting even colder in the room since he still had the window wide open. He finally shut it and turned to me, glancing down at my breasts. I knew he could see them through my thin pajama top. He licked his lips slowly, causing my nipples to harden even further. He continued to keep his distance.
When I looked down and noticed that he was fully hard through his sweatpants, my frustration grew even deeper. He was breathing heavily and swallowed when he saw me notice his arousal. He continued to look at me without saying anything at all.
I stood up from the bed and walked towards the window stopping a few inches in front of him. The heat radiated off of his body, and I could feel him breathing me in. He was consuming me with all of his senses…except touch. Finally, he slowly reached his hand toward my waist, gripping the material of my shirt and caressed my side. I felt his nails digging into me, and his hot breath blew over my chest. Just when I thought he was going to rip my shirt off, he pulled his trembling hand back. “Fuck,” he growled under his teeth.
I was panting, and my stomach was in knots thinking about the question I was about to ask him, one I really didn’t want to know the answer to. I blurted out, “I want to know what you do when you go to Boston every weekend.”
He blinked a few times and broke eye contact, looking down at the floor, then back up at me. He was caught off guard and looked troubled, staying silent for several seconds before he responded. “It’s complicated, Nina.”
When the words came out of his mouth, it felt like my heart fell through my stomach. He wasn’t going to give me any straight answers tonight, but those three words were enough to confirm that there was likely someone else.
There was a massive gray area to this black and white situation after all.
I wanted to come right out and ask what he meant, whether he had a serious girlfriend, or whether it was something entirely different, but I lost the courage and again, truthfully, a part of me really didn’t even want to know. At this point, what I did know was that I had been playing with fire and that I needed to take his advice and leave.
“Good night, Jake.”
He just stood there without saying a word and let me walk away.
***
The next morning, my eyes were bloodshot, and I had that foreboding feeling that I remember getting when I was a young teenager and a boy would break my heart. You know, the one where you wake up and forget about it for one split second, and then when you realize it wasn’t a dream, complete dread sets in.
I looked at the time: 9:45. I had overslept and had already missed my first class.
Of course, Jake had left for work and would be gone for the weekend again. This time, though, I was relieved to not see him for a few days.
Tarah was in the kitchen making coffee, and the percolating sound was magnified due to my hangover.
“Sup, girly,” she said when I walked out into the living area.
“Hey,” I said hoarsely. My head was killing me, and I felt nauseous.
“You look like death, sweetie. Is everything okay?”
I wasn’t sure if I should confide in her about what happened with Jake. I didn’t even know how to sum up last night properly.
We had a scorpion bowl, he told me I had a big ass, the fortune cookie talked, then he got an erection and kicked me out of his room.
“Everything is okay. It was just a late night.”
“You were with Jake. I know. He told me.”
“He told you what?” I snapped.
“Take it easy…just that you guys went out late last night. Before he left for work, he told me to keep an eye on you today, that you might be hurting because you drank too much or something.”
Or something.
He knew I’d be hurting, because he was the one that hurt me.
“Yeah…we went to that Kung Pao Karaoke place.”
“So, was it like a date?”
“No. Nothing like a date.”
“Nina, are you okay? Because you don’t look okay.”
Damn it. My eyes were starting to water.
“I am not, T. I am not okay at all.”
“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on? What did he do?”
“It’s not what he did. It’s what he didn’t do. It’s what he wouldn’t say. It’s what won’t be happening between us. Let’s just say, I needed to know whether we would be more than friends, and I basically got my answer last night.”
“I am sorry, sweetie.”
“Don’t say anything to Ryan, okay?”
Tarah pulled me in for a hug. “I’ve seen the way Jake looks at you when you don’t even realize it. I don’t know what he did or said or didn’t say last night, but that dude does have feelings for you.”
“I guess it’s just…complicated,” I said rolling my eyes.
***
As I was leaving English class that afternoon, I made an impulsive decision to take the building elevator instead of the stairs. I no longer had the same fear of them that existed before meeting Jake and before our elevator picnic, but I found that I still avoided them everyday.
Maybe I just needed to prove to myself that I didn’t need him anymore.
Thankfully, the elevator was empty. I was extremely jittery but felt in control when I pushed the button and closed the doors.
I shut my eyes and worked through the anxiety and building panic, counting to myself as the elevator descended down six floors.
When the doors opened, I felt immense relief because I knew now that I could do it on my own. It was only six floors, but this meant everything to me. I became extremely emotional as I made my way out to the sidewalk.
On the way home, my thoughts turned to Jake and that day in the elevator when he played the song that moved me deeply, Stuck in the Elevator. I had downloaded it to my iPod and scrolled down to play it while resting on a park bench.
The song brought me right back to that moment with him where I had been so filled with hope and excitement about the way he made me feel. It was painful to accept that I would have to stop those kinds of feelings in their tracks moving forward. They weren’t going to go away. I just needed a way to bottle them up because that was the only way I could survive living with him.
A teardrop fell down my cheek as the song continued to play. My phone then vibrated on my leg, and I looked down to see that it was a text from Jake.
Please tell me I didn’t lose you as a friend last night.
My emotions went into overload with the song still playing as the text came in. I had no idea how to respond, but regardless of the exact wording, the answer would have been the same.
Nina: Of course not.
Jake: I know I was acting all sorts of fucked up. I am sorry.
Nina: It’s okay. We were both probably still drunk, right?
There was a long pause, and I didn’t think he was going to write back, but then my phone vibrated again.
Jake: I care about you. I am sorry if I hurt you.
Nina: You didn’t.
Liar.
Jake: I’ll see you Monday.
Nina: See you then.
Jake: We’re still friends?
Nina: Yes. Still friends.
Jake: Just checking.
And with that, still feeling hurt beyond belief, I resigned myself to the fact that friends were all we would ever be.
CHAPTER 13
For the remaining days before the end of the semester, both Jake and I did a good job of pretending that night in his room never happened.
He seemed to really be trying hard to act like a “friend” lately, careful not to cross any lines. Despite that, our non-physical connection seemed to be growing. He was hanging out more in the living room with Tarah, Ryan and me at night. He and I would sometimes linger, staying up late, eating ice cream or a dessert I made while we talked in the kitchen.
Our conversation topics became more personal, too. He opened up more about his childhood. I learned that he actually grew up in Chicago, not Boston and that his mother had been a drug addict as a teenager but straightened up when she met his father. Even more surprising: the fact that the sister he is close to, only came into his life eight years ago because she had been given up for adoption when Jake’s mother was fifteen. He told me a story that blew me away about how he first met her accidentally during a bizarre chance encounter in a cemetery.
It was adorable how his eyes would light up when he talked about his twin nieces. He used to babysit them when they were infants and shared a lot of funny memories about those days; it thoroughly amused me to picture this tough-looking guy changing diapers and getting spit up on.
We had a lot of laughs and sometimes, I would catch his eyes lingering on mine or traveling down to my mouth. These were subtle hints that a part of him wanted more, even though something was obviously holding him back.
Every night, he would go back to his room, and I would go to mine, replaying everything we had talked about. Despite my vow to bottle up my feelings for him, they were still growing stronger than a batch of sea monkeys trapped in a jar.
***
The last Wednesday of the semester rolled around, and when I turned my final exam into Professor Hernandez, I knew that this one wasn’t going to be an A. In fact, I hadn’t even completed the last two problems. Maybe it was because Jake and I had done more talking lately than studying or because secretly, I wanted this last punishment from him.
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