Then, as if on cue, came the cries from across the room.
No.
No.
No.
Not yet.
Jake spoke into my neck and pushed deeper into me in retaliation. “Fuck…not now. I can’t stop.”
The crying became louder.
“Shit. Jake…I have to get him. He never woke up for his four-am feeding. He’s hungry.”
“So am I,” he said hoarsely in my ear. Still inside of me, his movements slowed as he conceded defeat, eventually pulling out.
“I know…I’m sorry.”
I searched for my robe as Jake got up, threw his pants on and walked over to the corner of the room, lifting our son out of the crib. A.J.’s dark hair was sticking up, wild and crazy, just like his daddy’s. Jake kissed him on the head. “I love you, you little cockblocker.”
I laughed as I sat up against the headboard and grabbed the Boppy pillow, as he handed me the baby and placed him on my breast. A.J. immediately started suckling, and I was glad at least one of my guys was happy for the moment.
He sat next to me, and we both looked down at our son in awe, then up at each other. Jake’s unsatisfied desire for me still shown all over his eyes when they met mine. He caressed my other breast gently with the back of his index finger. “You have never looked more beautiful to me as you do right now,” he said before laying his head on my shoulder.
I wanted so badly to pick up in the shower where we left off, once A.J had been fed, but Jake was already running late. On top of that, I had asked him to come home early, because we would be leaving for a visit to New York this afternoon. It would be our first time back since A.J was born.
“I need to go,” he said.
“I know.” I nodded, offering a slight smile, determined not to show my sadness.
He got up from the bed and walked toward the bathroom, turning around and gesturing down to his pants. He was still hard. “I have to take care of this in the shower real quick.” He snarled. “I’d rather be taking care of it inside of you.”
I smiled. “Rain check?”
He walked back over to the bed and kneeled over me, kissing my forehead. “I am so glad you’re feeling better.”
“Me too.”
His eyes smoldered, and his expression turned serious. “I’m using that rain check tonight. I want you…all to myself. Promise me.”
I want you now. I want you to stay. I hate it when you leave me to go see her.
“I promise.”
He shook his head, and his eyes looked watery. “I love you so much, Nina.”
I knew that my behavior lately had scared him. Really scared him. He thought he was losing me. Hell, I thought I was losing myself.
“I love you, too.”
With no time for breakfast, he showered and left but not before stopping to kiss A.J. and me goodbye, lingering longer than usual this time.
I looked down at our son, who was now falling asleep on my breast, his mouth moving slowly but no longer drinking. “It’s just you and me, Bubs. What do you want to do today?” I bent down to kiss his head as his breathing slowed. “I think you’re doing it right now.”
Alan James was named after Jake’s father and my brother Jimmy. He was born six months ago after a difficult pregnancy that forced me to drop out of nursing school. The majority of it was spent on bed rest, and it ended in a planned c-section, due to the placenta previa, which hadn’t ever corrected itself. The recovery from surgery was tough. We had just moved to Boston right before A.J arrived, because Jake had to start his new job. Even though my mother had come to stay with us for the first two weeks, after she left, it was a really tough adjustment. Jake’s sister, Allison, has been great and tries to help give me a break when she’s not working, but living here, as big as their house is, was not the ideal situation. We really needed our own space, but it’s been difficult to find something affordable close to Jake’s family, which is what we want. Six months later, we were still living in his sister’s house, but it’s helped us work towards saving up for our own home.
My parents hadn’t even met Jake yet when I had to tell them I was pregnant. They were extremely upset at first, but eventually, they accepted everything. After getting to know him, they have warmed up to him somewhat. My relationship with Ryan is still rocky, although he and Jake talked everything out one night but not before Jake decked him in the heat of the moment. Ryan and Tarah have since broken up, and she moved out of the apartment. She and I still talk on the phone but have grown apart somewhat since A.J. was born. Ryan is now living with three brand new roommates.
Basically, my entire life was turned upside down in the course of a year. Looking down at my son, peacefully sleeping in my arms, he was the spitting image of his father. I knew everything ended up the way it was meant to. As difficult as all of these transitions have been, they’ve helped me grow as a person.
My only real regret was how I’ve treated Jake over the past couple of months as a result of what my doctor diagnosed as postpartum depression. Even though I seemed to be coming out of it now, when it was at its worst, I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I was convinced my body was ruined from the baby, even though he assured me that he had never wanted me more and that I was more beautiful than ever to him.
I had also felt really inadequate as a mother and began worrying that I couldn’t properly take care of my son. I would have nightmares about harming him that would keep me up at night. I was left alone a lot during the day and had too much time to think. It felt like I was going crazy. But with a light dose of medication that the doctor says is safe to use while breastfeeding, along with a weekly therapy session, I’ve felt a lot better lately. Apparently, with my history of anxiety issues and the hormonal changes I was going through, it was the perfect storm.
Jake had really wanted to get married before our son was born, but his divorce wasn’t finalized until two months after. Even then, I told him it was too early to get married, so soon after his divorce. He and I fought about it, because he felt that I doubted his love for me or that there might have been something else holding me back because of the way I had been acting. I realize now that my feelings at the time were a direct result of the postpartum depression. Lately, he’s backed off completely from the marriage issue. The last fight we had, he vowed never to bring it up again for as long as he lived. I almost wished he would, because now I worry that he’s moved past it. And I do want to be his wife…badly. When he walked out that door today, I wished so much that I was.
That ship may have sailed, though. My strong reluctance to make it legal as soon as we were able to, really upset him. During one argument, I had accused him of only wanting to marry me because of the baby. I knew that was a low blow and never really believed that. This was around the same time I stopped letting him touch me, at the height of the depression. One night, he came home late from work. I had just put the baby down to sleep, when he walked in and backed me up against the wall into a passionate kiss. Then, he held up his hand. He had tattooed my name around his ring finger and said with tears in his eyes, “You won’t make it permanent…well, I just did.” That had killed me inside, but my head still wasn’t in a good enough place then to make it right.
Thank God, I was coming out of it now and could see so clearly how lucky I was.
I needed to make it right.
***
Jake made it home right on time and A.J. and I were waiting at the window.
When he walked in the door, I forced my usual question. “How was she?”
“She was okay today…in a good mood,” he said. “She didn’t kick me out.” He always searched my eyes to make sure he wasn’t upsetting me.
“Good.”
He hugged me tightly, and I felt his muscles relax in my arms. “Still feeling okay, baby?”
“Yeah…I am.” I smiled. “Really.”
“That makes me so happy.” He kissed me, moaning under his breath. “Let’s hit the road. I can’t ge
t you in that hotel room tonight fast enough.”
“You better pray he sleeps then.”
“I’ll be spending the entire four hour drive praying for that, believe me.”
Since it was a Saturday, there was no rush hour traffic, and we made it to New York in under four hours. Jake held my hand the entire car ride, sneaking side glances more than usual, apparently waiting for the ball to drop, for my mood to change. It amazed me how his mood often depended on mine. If I was happy, so was he. It was just another testament to how strongly he loved me. At one point, he smiled and said, “Please tell me my baby is back.”
Looking down at his hand squeezing mine reminded me of our plane ride home from Chicago over a year ago. It was hard to believe how much had changed between then and now. One thing that was exactly the same though, was how it felt when he touched me. It gave me the same goosebumps right now, as it did then. I was really looking forward to our long-awaited “reunion” later tonight.
Before we could get to that hotel room in the city, we had a very important stop to make just over the George Washington Bridge in Jersey; it was the main reason for our New York trip.
***
I couldn’t believe how beautiful the strapless white dress was, as I pulled it up…absolutely breathtaking.
It wasn’t so much the dress but the person inside of it.
“Skylar…you look so beautiful.”
“Thanks, Sissy.”
I loved her nickname for me. She deemed me her honorary sister, since neither of us had one. We promised to fill that role for each other during all of the big moments in our lives. She was too sick to come to Boston when A.J. was born but was feeling a lot better now that her treatments were over for the time being. It once dawned on me that cancer had taken away my brother, but in a strange way, it had given me a sister. If she hadn’t been in the hospital that day, I would have never met the person who’s inspired me more than anyone ever had.
So, as her big sister, I was here to perform my sisterly duties.
“Grab the duct tape. You’re gonna bind my boobies together,” she said.
“What? Why would you want to do that?”
“Instant cleavage. Come on…it’s over there.”
I pulled a long piece of tape out as she held her medium sized breasts together. “I can’t believe I am doing this,” I said as she twirled around.
“Well, not all of us are lucky enough to be as boobiferous as you. Although, I have to say, that situation is getting a little out of control.”
“It’s because I’m breastfeeding A.J.”
“A.J. and a small third world country, apparently.”
“Shut up.” I laughed. “Jake likes them.”
“Well, if he ever goes missing, I’ll make sure to send the authorities straight to your boobie trap.”
We were both cracking up now. She always put me in the best mood with her sense of humor. I lifted the white dress back up over her new cleavage as she looked in the full-length mirror.
“Much better,” she said. “Can you grab my wig? It’s on the top shelf of the closet.”
Even though her hair was starting to grow back, it was still very short, so she opted to wear the long auburn wig I had gotten her. When I placed it on her head as we looked in the mirror, her expression brightened.
I was smiling so wide, my mouth hurt. She looked like a supermodel. “Mitch is going to die.”
My phone vibrated, and then I heard Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith, which Jake programmed in as the ringtone for his calls. Classic Jake. I picked up. “Hey, babe…yeah, she’s just about ready. You guys can come over in like five minutes, okay?”
Jake had A.J. with him across the street at Mitch’s house. They were hanging out there while I helped Skylar get ready. Mitch and she were still best friends, but Skylar had it bad for him. They hadn’t crossed that line yet, and I was hoping things wouldn’t get out of control tonight, because she was still too young. But I knew how strong her feelings for him were, so we had a talk about being careful in the event that something were to happen.
Mitch had asked her to accompany him to his junior prom several months ago when she was still sick in the hospital. For a while, we weren’t sure if she was going to be able to go. He told her if she couldn’t go with him, he wasn’t going either. Thank goodness, she is feeling better and was able to make it, because this was one of her dreams come true.
We heard the doorbell ring and let Skylar’s mother answer it while I touched up her makeup. From the top of the staircase, I could see that Mitch was standing there next to Jake, who had A.J. on his chest in the Baby Bjorn.
Mitch looked extremely handsome in a black suit, his unruly brown hair sculpted to perfection. He had matured a lot since the pictures I had seen of him when I first met Skylar and now had a decent amount of chin hair. He was turning into a man.
When Skylar walked down the stairs, the look on Mitch’s face showed a love that had been bottled up, finally set free. If there was any doubt about his true feelings for her, it was wiped away in that moment when I looked at his bright blue eyes upon seeing her.
“Skylar…I…” He was speechless.
In typical Skylar fashion, she broke the ice. “Yeah, yeah…you look hot, too. Let’s get out of here.”
After stopping to take pictures, Mitch and Skylar walked toward the waiting white Hummer limousine that would be headed to pick some of their friends.
Jake stopped Mitch before he got in. “Hey, Bitch. Don’t forget what I said.”
Mitch looked back at Jake and smiled. “Alright, man.”
I wondered what that was all about, as I walked over to the other side of the limo to give Skylar a final hug goodbye.
“Thank you, Sissy,” she said and I couldn’t help letting the teardrop that formed in my eye loose.
“I love you,” I said, now fully engulfed in tears.
Jake, A.J. and I stood in the middle of the empty suburban street as the sun was starting to set, watching the limo until it was completely out of sight.
I turned to Jake. “What did you say to Mitch anyway?”
“I told him not to waste time with bullshit…to tell her exactly how he feels. Did you know that dude started to tear up when he was talking to me about how he feared she wouldn’t even be alive when his prom came around, let alone be able to go with him? He has some deep-rooted feelings for her, and it’s just stupid to hold them in, you know?”
“Wow.”
He looked at me. “I know how scary it can be to love someone that strongly, but you can’t live in fear.”
I loved him so much.
Ask me to marry you now. I swear, I’ll say yes.
“And I also gave him some condoms,” Jake said.
“You did what?”
“Come on, don’t be naïve. It might not happen, but he damn well better cover it up if it does.”
“I suppose you’re right, especially with the way he was looking at her. I had a talk with her too.” I kissed A.J. on the head as he sat quietly in Jake’s arms in the carrier and said in a baby voice, “We know all about the surprises that unprotected sex can bring.”
“Speaking of unprotected sex…I plan to have a lot of it tonight,” he whispered in my ear.
I couldn’t wait to get to our room either. “Let’s get going then.”
CHAPTER 31
When we arrived at our hotel in the city, Jake had surprised me with a two-bedroom suite, so that we could have some privacy when the baby was asleep. It must have cost him a fortune. The front desk clerk handed us two key cards. “This one is for you, and you can give this one to your wife,” she said.
Jake stared right through me when he took them and corrected her. “My girlfriend. Thanks.”
Ouch.
We hadn’t said anything to each other on our way up to the room. Normally, whenever we were in an elevator, Jake would start cracking jokes about our first experience together in one. But tonight, he didn’t say
a word. Something was upsetting him.
The suite was small but nice, decorated in cozy warm colors. It had a smaller bedroom off of the main room and a kitchenette. The hotel had set up a crib in the second bedroom for A.J.
I had to feed him before putting him down, so I warmed a small jar of pureed carrots in the microwave.
“Let me do that,” Jake said curtly, grabbing the carrots. “Go take a shower.”
He seemed tense.
“Okay.”
As the water beat down on me, I kept thinking about how his mood seemed to have dampened compared to earlier in the day and how the word “girlfriend” had rolled off of his tongue with disdain down in the lobby. I hoped that tonight I could undo some of the damage my actions had caused these past couple of months.
When I exited the bathroom, the steam poured into the bedroom as I held the small towel tightly over my chest, barely able to wrap it around me. My breasts were full, needing to be emptied since A.J. was overdue for his nighttime feeding.
Jake had finished giving him the carrots and had laid a now sleeping A.J. back down in the car seat carrier, so I’d have to wake him up at some point to nurse before putting him in the crib.
Jake sat on the edge of the bed watching me as I struggled to hold the small white hotel towel closed while I walked over to the overnight bag to grab my pajamas. I could feel him following my every move. I started making my way over to the bathroom to change. As I was entering the doorway, he came up from behind and put his hand on my arm, stopping me.
His voice was gruff. “Where are you going?”
I leaned my back against the sink. “I was going to change in here.”
“Away from me? Why don’t you want me looking at you anymore? You never used to hide from me like that.”
I swallowed nervously, not knowing how to answer. I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt him. “I…guess it’s just a habit.”
That wasn’t an answer, and I knew it. There was no good excuse. I had just become used to hiding myself from him lately because I was still self-conscious about my body. He thought it was more that that. I looked into his eyes and saw that the fear I had instilled in him was very much alive and well. One day of my acting normal, telling him things were getting better—even if I meant it—could not suddenly undo weeks of denying him, shutting him away, not even letting him touch me. For the first time, I really saw how deeply I had fucked him up…fucked us up.
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