by Quil Carter
Tav reached over and picked up their white phone, ordained with half-ripped princess stickers, and handed it to Ben.
Ben looked at it like it was laced with poison before grudgingly he held it up to his ear.
Tav dialled Ben’s work number. He had memorized it by now; it seemed he was always calling work for Ben – most of the time to call in sick.
After a minute of Ben stammering through the call, making up excuses and finally relenting, he handed the phone back to Tav. He then let out a long and embellished sigh, and slouched down further into the couch.
“I’ll go in a couple hours,” Ben said with the same grimace on his face he’d had earlier. He writhed and twisted before giving Tav a childish pout. “I suppose that should keep the bastard happy.”
Tav smiled a half-smile, but when Ben stuck out his lower lip and gave Tav the puppy dog eyes, the smile turned into a laugh.
To his inner embarrassment Ben felt his heart jump. For reasons he hated to internally admit… he always felt butterflies when he made the serious and meek little Albanian boy laugh; like he had scored a victory in being able to push past his cold countenance.
Tav, of course, never seemed to notice. “You think they’ll ask questions?” the boy asked politely.
“Probably, I look like shit.” The edge of Ben’s mouth twitched; he touched the side of his face, still feeling the heat from his injuries.
And unfortunately appearances did matter in his job. He was a secretary for a small firm in downtown Denver. No question at all that people would notice the bruises and scabbed up face – at least the other injuries he could hide with clothing.
“I’m a big boy though, I’ll be fine.” Ben shrugged. “You have college classes today, right?”
Tav nodded. “Just for a few hours, I’ll bring you home some pizza on the way back.”
“Yay!” Ben smiled, his eyes starting to droop slightly; the pills he had just taken were starting to take hold of him. “School is so overrated but, well, it keeps you in the good ol’ US of A.”
Tav smirked and leaned his head back too; he also started to close his eyes. They continued to sit in silence as the pills started to take effect. The TV buzzing in the background, unwatched.
Later that day Ben found himself exactly where he didn’t want to be – at work.
He laid his head on his desk and stared at the wall, ignoring the work he knew he had to do that day.
“Mr. Zahn, I missed you,” a female voice said but Ben didn’t move.
“Good afternoon, Jen,” he said with a groan. The voice laughed lightly and Ben heard something be placed beside him.
“I thought you might be tired so I got a cup of coffee for you too,” said Jen. He heard her move towards him then whisper to him quietly, “another bender, hun?”
Ben shook his head. “I got the crap beat out of me.” He looked up and leaned back in his office chair. Jen, a woman in her forties and a rather loyal pill customer, looked at Ben before her mouth dropped open.
“My god… Benjamin Zahn!” she exclaimed, a disapproval in her voice that resembled that of a mother scolding her child. “I thought – who did that to you!?”
Ben reached over and grabbed the cup of coffee; he took a small sip before glancing in both directions to make sure no one was in earshot.
“I wish I knew; I don’t remember much but it was during a drop off,” he replied, trying to keep his voice down. “My roommate was too far away to catch what our exchange was but it ended up with me being put through the fucking shredder.”
Jen looked at him with pity. “You really should get out of that business, Ben. I hear on the news constantly that–”
“Ahhh.” Ben waved his hand at her. “It happens. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Or in my case: get beat on by the sword.”
“Mr. Zahn, Mrs. Phelps, breaktime already?” another voice, this time behind Ben, sounded. Ben rolled his eyes and spun his chair around, coffee still in hand. His boss Karl was standing outside of his office door, his arms crossed over a well-fitted suit.
The man opened his mouth to say more when he also visibly cringed.
“I suppose that would warrant three days off,” Karl said, he was holding a large stack of folders in his arms. “Your replacement was only able to do so much – I’m going to need you to work late.”
Ben stared for a few moments before ‘Office Ben’ took over.
“Yes sir,” he replied robotically, he could almost feel his mind shut off.
Karl nodded and dropped the stack of papers onto Ben’s old wooden desk. Ben just stared at them feeling a bowling ball form in his throat. The last thing he wanted to do was work late, he just wanted to go home and numb his mind with drugs.
“Try not to venture near where any customers are; you’re not the face I want representing us,” Karl said curtly.
Because you, who more resembles a dead pig that has been floating in a lake for three days, is the face you’d rather have represent the company?
“Yes, sir,” Ben said instead and with one last short nod Officer Karl disappeared back into his office, leaving Ben behind to slouch in his desk.
And because the last thing he felt like doing was work, Ben instead spun around in his office chair. Well, for several minutes anyway, the motion quickly started giving him a headache. So after that he settled in for more frowning.
Several times during his frowning he heard Jen behind him laugh while she talked to other coworkers but it would be awhile before she wandered back to him. She was smart and disappeared whenever Officer Karl came by. Not really an officer at all just a fat balding man who sucked so much at life he got off ordering around those who worked for him. He had earned his name; Ben hated him almost as much as he hated real officers.
Ben took another drink of his coffee and stared at his computer screen. The little white letters on the black background seemed daunting; he didn’t even think his mind would be awake enough to tackle any of this stuff today.
He cursed Tav in his head. Stupid Albanian in his college classes. All he had to do today was sit in a chair and learn about world history. He didn’t have to deal with overly happy middle-aged women or stuffed-up asshole bosses.
Eventually Ben closed his eyes and tried to pretend he was back at home with a joint. Then found himself reaching into his own suit pocket and grabbing two morphine pills. He chewed them up in his mouth and washed them down with some coffee.
Then finally being bored became more boring than being productive. So Ben straightened himself out and started getting down to work.
He worked steadily throughout the day but didn’t get nearly as much done as he normally did. Usually he would work like a demon so he could sit back and play games. If he angled the computer just right he could make it so Officer Karl couldn’t see the screen. His favourite was Oregon Trail but Number Munchers was a close second. He couldn’t afford a computer for his own apartment, so he got all the game playing in while he was working; home was for Nintendo and Sega Genesis.
Because if there was one fringe-benefit to being a drug dealer it was that he could get cheap merchandise from dope-sick idiots. People withdrawing from drugs who would sell their own kid’s Christmas presents for a hit of the good stuff, and because of that fact, most of the stuff in his apartment had been acquired hot.
Ben drained his coffee cup for the eighth time in his five hour span and got up to walk towards the restroom. It was just him and a few others in the office now, including Officer Karl who always seemed to be working late. Ben had been working long enough at ‘Leinshire Inc’ to know Karl’s wife was his job. His real wife was probably getting railed by the pool boy right about now.
Ben’s face twisted in disgust; he pushed that thought right out of his mind.
After he had relieved himself Ben washed his hands in the sink and splashed some water over his face, before deciding to be ballsy enough to shoot a glance at the mirror.
Ugh, I am just as shitty-l
ooking as I thought. Ben shuddered. He brushed a hand over his blackened cheek and gave his head a shake. It had been a long while since he had looked this bad.
The black-haired stranger staring back at him had dark circles under his eyes and the left one was partially bloodshot. He also had road rash in several places on his face and the stitched up gash on his forehead looked red and angry. No wonder Karl didn’t want him to be seen in public; he didn’t even want to see himself.
“Benjamin Zahn, you look like hell,” Ben muttered. He lifted up his button-down white shirt and examined the big black bruises he had all down his chest and stomach. He sighed and closed his eyes for a second, unable to resist calling himself every derogatory name he could think of.
“Idiot,” he muttered. A final crescendo in a slew of self-deprecating insults. He dropped his shirt and began to tuck it back in; then, after a small pep-talk with himself; he straightened his black tie and walked out of the bathroom.
He sat back in his office chair and picked up his favourite office toy: a red stapler. He then picked up a Styrofoam cup full of paperclips and began to make a football game with them. An hour later he was trying to shoot staplers into his makeshift goal.
“What an excellent use of office time,” Jen laughed as she had wandered over. “I wish I had your imagination.”
Ben let out a quiet chuckle and shrugged. “I might be here for a while. Why the fuck not, right?”
Ben’s co-worker smiled back at him, then glanced around the office. Ben knew what she was going to ask next, so he decided to save her the trouble.
“How many?” he asked, still shooting staples into the goal.
“I have enough for four, if you have it,” she replied in a hushed voice, eyeing Karl’s office nervously.
“I do, I was expecting you.” Ben winked. He dug into his pocket for the small baggy he had put into his wallet before work. Quickly, he and Jen greased palms and Ben slipped the cash into his pocket.
“Well this–” Ben paused mid-sentence; he looked down and felt his heart drop.
“What did you find?” Jen said lightheartedly, leaning over to look into Ben’s wallet.
Ben just stared, for a few moments he didn’t move but finally with some internal encouragement he reached his fingers into his wallet and pulling out a white gold ring.
“Erick,” Ben whispered turning the dragon ring around in his fingers.
“Who’s that? Wasn’t that your brother?” Jen asked confused.
But Ben wasn’t listening. Like a tractor trailer had slammed into him suddenly all the events of that mysterious night came back to him.
The man with the shimmering silver hair, the burly guy that beat him up, the ring. How did the silver-haired man get the ring?
I had seen that man before – I know I had.
Ben’s gut wrenched and he started to feel a rush of sadness, and surprisingly, anger go through him. He had never found the person or people who had killed his brother; he hadn’t even had a clue who had done it. Erick’s closest friends even had the gall to whisper about Ben being involved, but he hadn’t been.
He loved his brother, he hated him but he loved him. Erick wasn’t the greatest human being but he was his flesh and blood. They had no parents, no other family; it had just been him and Erick in foster care. It was Ben’s job to take care of him, even though he was the youngest he had always taken care of Erick.
At first Erick disappearing hadn’t been that surprising. Erick had a tendency to piss off the wrong people and it wasn’t a rare thing for him to come staggering into their apartment beaten to shit. Ben had warned him a thousand times to stop his lifestyle but Erick was who he was.
And then he disappeared off of the face of the earth. No warning, no signs–
Except for that silver-haired man I had seen him with.
“Ben?” Jen sounded worried but Ben’s thoughts were a million miles away.
This ring – Erick had loved this damn ring. He had started drug dealing on his own to try and support his habit and it had been his first dope-sick trade in. He was proud of it; he would have never given it up.
Why did that man have it?
Ben felt his face go hot with embarrassment as he realized he was having trouble keeping his emotions down. In spite of him forbidding his mind to do so, he felt his eyes start to burn and soon the white ring started to become blurry in his vision. With a push he tried to stuff down every emotion he was feeling but it was a hopeless effort.
I really miss him…
“I’m going home for the day,” Ben whispered, getting up. Without looking at Jen he walked past her and down the hall into the elevator.
He tried to hold it together as he pressed the elevator button for the main floor but found himself having trouble. By the time he got out into the twilight of Denver he had tears welling up in his eyes.
“Keep it together,” he said to himself through clenched teeth. He raised his hand to wipe the tears away but as he did Ben noticed he had stupidly brought his stapler down with him.
“Idiot,” he said for the second time that day. He placed the stapler into his suit pocket and slipped Erick’s ring onto his finger; without a spared glance to what was going on around him he started to briskly walk down the road.
Ben wiped his eyes and looked straight ahead, hoping that the cold air would freeze the redness he knew was creeping into his eyes. The last thing he wanted was for people to see him crying like a bitch, at least no one he knew would be on this side of Denver.
Ben dug into his pocket for a quarter and found the nearest payphone. He coughed a few times to make sure his voice wasn’t wobbling and called Tav for a ride home. Then he sat down on the brick barrier beside the payphone and dug into his pocket for a pill. A little reprieve from the emotions he was feeling, though he knew it was going to be a bandage on a broken leg.
I have been applying this same bandage for years now. Tav is right, everyone is right, I’m depressed. But what the fuck can I do about it? It’s only going to get worse now that I saw that stupid silver-haired asshole.
I need to find him… find him alone when he doesn’t have that meat-head bodyguard. A few minutes alone with me and I’ll fucking make him sing.
Ben had questions for that mysterious figure that he knew he needed to have answered. Because whether the silver-haired man had done something to Erick, or not, he had to have seen him before he disappeared.
Whatever that man knows, I need to know. There’s nothing else to it, if I want to start healing and stop being a depressed mess – I have to do this.
I just want answers, is that so hard?
“Benji, Benji!” Tav’s happy voice sang after Ben had been sitting on the raised concrete bed for a quarter hour.
With a stifled sigh, Ben wiped his face with his hands, hoping like hell Tav wouldn’t notice he had been fighting back tears. He looked up at his friend with a forced smile but the moment the two of them locked eyes, he knew it wasn’t going to work.
Tav’s cheerful smile quickly disappeared. “You got fired didn’t you?” he asked sadly.
Ben shook his head no and got into the passenger side of his car; he didn’t feel like driving.
“Just… old stuff, stuff that happened before you came,” Ben replied quietly as Tav started to drive back home. He leaned his head onto the seatbelt strap watching the city go by, and found himself absentmindedly twirling the ring on his middle finger.
“Want to talk about it? Go home, smoke some weed, eat some pizza, and just chill?” Tav asked. Ben could see Tav giving him a kind smile out of the corner of his eye.
Ben sighed but he managed a smile for Tav’s sake. He felt better having the kid around, despite feeling humiliated showing these kinds of emotions in front of him.
“That would be great,” he replied with the same forced smile.
Ben wasn’t surprised when he was unable to sleep that night. He should’ve been exhausted, and physically he was, but mentally he w
as wide awake.
He tossed and turned in his bed, even though with every movement he found himself clenching his teeth in pain. He badly wanted to take another pill but if he started taking too many of them he would be short before his next run. The last thing he wanted to do was buy them off the street; a drug dealer paying street price was a personal insult in Ben’s opinion.
Ben stared up at the ceiling and let out a long breath. He could hear Tav snoring away in the other room and absentmindedly found himself imagining beating him awake with a pillow. He knew he couldn’t though; he didn’t know Tav that well yet. That was more something he would have done if Erick were still alive. Erick would’ve cursed and yelled but he always stayed awake with Ben when he couldn’t sleep, and vice versa.
Ben let out a frustrated moan and flipped over one more time. He grunted in pain and buried his head into his pillow. There were no comfortable positions for him to lie in. Everything throbbed, everything was uncomfortable and it was so frustrating Ben felt like yelling,
Eventually after another hour of insomnia, Ben turned on his light and grabbed his bottle of pills. He chewed one up and got up to use the bathroom.
As he walked back he passed Tav’s room. He found himself stopping in his roommate’s doorway and looking in.
Tav laid there with the blankets half off of him. He was sleeping peacefully with his hands underneath his chin; his chest rising and falling with every breath, snoring lightly without a care in the world.
Ben leaned against the doorway. He felt a tug at his heart, but it wasn’t for the reasons he expected.
Though he deep down liked watching Tav, so peaceful and innocent, sleep soundly. The pull on his heart was for the man who used to sleep in that bed.
Never so peaceful, never curled up into a tiny ball like the thin-boned Tav, who seemed graceful and angelic even in sleep. But rather splayed out, usually naked with empty beer bottles around him and a white crusted powder on his nostrils. Sometimes with an equally drunk and stoned boy naked beside him, but usually alone with a gay porn magazine and a bottle of lube tucked under his hip.