'Sorry, who?' Jamie asks.
'Revagina!' Mislington repeats. 'The ravishing beauty who steals the heart of the brave Captain Hambernought!'
At this point, Jamie is barely able to conceal his mirth. I must admit I'm close to joining him. A man who has sex with a camel is one thing, giving your heroin a name that sounds like an operation to reverse a sex change is quite another.
Jamie obediently takes up the story from page 39.
'My day begun as much as all others have began in this harsh desert realm,' Revagina starts, mangling the English language for all she's worth. 'The feel of the silky smooth satin underwear fills me with delight as it slides over my womanhood.'
I have a womanhood somewhere. It keeps me nice and dry when it's raining.
Jamie keeps reading, and as he does so, it becomes apparent that Revagina is one giant wank fantasy for poor old Hedley Mislington. In the half chapter that Jamie gets through, she manages to take a bath with two dusky African maidens, and has some kind of awkward orgasm while riding a camel. She also spends an inordinate amount of time pining for a large white man to come and save her from the harem of Goodnight N'Tungu - the local African warlord that captured her three years ago, from what I can just about gather was some kind of expedition to look for a one-eyed, giant chimpanzee called Horace.
Now, my memory may not be what it once was, but I'm fairly sure that there is no giant, one-eyed chimpanzee called Horace in any of our books.
Jamie closes the hardback slowly, as if it might explode in his hand at any moment if he makes any sudden movements.
The crowd are stunned into silence. There are just no words. I think most of them were okay until the one-eyed chimp, but after that, it was downhill all the way.
In fact, the only person in the shop who is not stupefied by the whole experience is Hedley Mislington. 'There!' he shrieks triumphantly. 'Now you all see it! Now you all see that my brilliant usage of both male and female perspective has been roundly plagiarised by these two mountebanks!'
Jamie sits forward and addresses the crowd. 'What do you reckon guys? Do you think we've ripped off Mister Misserlingerwingertun's book?'
This is greeted with a lot of shaking heads and exclamations in the negative. Even the beardy hipster, who is apparently recording this entire debacle on his phone, pipes up with a heartfelt 'No!'
All this manages to do is turn Cardigan Holmes’s towering resentment on them. 'You! All of you! Pudding-brained lemmings to a man!'
'Steady on, these are my customers,' Morninghouse says in a hurt tone from where he's been hiding by the front door.
Mislington spins back to me and Jamie, obviously feeling he's on firmer ground insulting us. 'You have ruined my life!' he utters with loathing. 'Destroyed my art! Embezzled my talent for your own nefarious purposes!'
'Have we?' Jamie replies, putting a hand over his face.
'Yes! And for it, I shall now have to soundly beat you with my truncheon!'
Without another word, Mislington reaches into the green cardigan and produces a long black rubber implement, brandishing it above his head like an enraged Masai warrior.
'What's that?' I ask.
'It is my truncheon, foul woman!'
'That's a dildo.'
'Nonsense! It is a truncheon! A weapon of ill device that I shall use to beat a confession from you both!'
'Nope, it’s definitely a dildo,' Jamie adds, leaning back and crossing his arms. 'You can tell by the veins and helmet.'
Mislington regards his weapon with not a little doubt. 'It is a truncheon. I know it is, because I took it from my late mother's wardrobes. She once told me she used it to beat off a burglar who entered her bungalow one night.'
'I'm sure she did,' Jamie replies with a smirk.
From the crowd, a few voices pipe up to point out to Mislington that he is in fact holding a sex toy, and not a weapon with which he can exact his revenge.
In the face of such overwhelming public opinion, the writer’s shoulders start to sag and the rage that burns within his soul is diminished.
For the first time since he entered the shop, Hedley Mislington looks confused... and not a little vulnerable. 'I, uh... I don't quite know what to say,' he utters in a quiet voice.
I instantly feel a wave of guilt pass through me. While it's never pleasant to be insulted by a man dressed as Sherlock Holmes and waving a dildo at you, it's also obvious that this is someone with a rather tenuous grip on reality, and should probably be treated with a degree of kindness.
...once someone takes that dildo off him anyway.
I move round the table. 'Mister Misserlingertun? How would you like a nice cup of tea?' I say in a soft voice. 'Maybe you can tell us all a bit more about how you came up with your story?'
'A cup of tea?' he replies.
'Yes. With two sugars, I'd say.' I look over at Morninghouse. 'Can you sort that out for Mister Misserlingertun, please?'
'Certainly!' Morninghouse agrees with delight, obviously pleased that the situation has been defused somewhat.
Jamie also gets up from the table, and taking his cue from me, he approaches the unstable writer slowly. 'How about you give me your dildo?' he asks.
'Truncheon,' Mislington corrects.
'Yeah... truncheon.' Jamie gently takes the enormous sex toy from the man's hand and passes it to the hipster, who takes it a little too enthusiastically.
'I know, why don't you come and sit at the table?' I suggest to Mislington.
'Um. Very well,' he agrees and allows me to lead him to the chair.
Everyone in the shop is now on tender hooks, waiting to see if there will be any more verbal explosions forthcoming. I get the impression though that the wind has been taken out of Hedley Mislington's sails, and that the worst may be over.
Morninghouse brings over a steaming hot cup of tea and plonks it in front of Mislington, who takes a sip and looks up at all of us with a slightly lost look on his face.
'Hey, Hedley?' Jamie asks.
'Yes, young man?'
'Can I have this copy of your book?'
The man looks stunned. 'Why yes, you can indeed.'
'Thank you! And would you sign it for me?'
Oh well done, Jamie. Very well done indeed.
For the first time since he strode into the bookshop and started spouting accusations of fraud, Hedley Mislington smiles and gathers up my pen.
I look around the shop and a wry smile crosses my face. The crowd is now ignoring Jamie and I completely. All their attention is focused on the eccentric writer. I have no problem with this whatsoever.
'When was that published?' our bearded hipster friend says, pointing at Jamie's newly signed copy of Taming The African Love Goddess.
'Ah... ' Mislington pauses, mulling the question over for a moment. 'I published it in 1984 originally. Back in the good old days when publishers still took a chance on a new writer.'
Boy, did they take a chance. I'm tempted to ask if the publisher is still in existence, but manage to bite my tongue. I don't want to rile him up again.
The hipster then says something totally unexpected. 'Where can I buy a copy?'
'What?' Mislington asks in disbelief.
'What?' Jamie and I echo.
The hipster shrugs his shoulders. 'Well, you know. I'll probably put this video on YouTube, and wouldn't mind a copy of the book to go along with it, so I can show it to people.'
I look over at Morninghouse. 'Can you order a few copies in?'
The bookshop owner looks stunned. 'I don't know. I'll go and have a look on the computer.'
Miraculously, Taming The African Love Goddess is still available. When Morninghouse announces this, and asks if anyone's interested in buying it, six hands immediately shoot up - a testament to the power of YouTube, if ever there was one.
I turn back to Mislington. 'So Hedley, why did you write a book about Africa?'
He gives me a look of such heartfelt gratitude that it nearly brings a tear to my
eye. All this man wanted was a little attention. His book may be awful, his clothing may be worse, but neither makes him any less of a human being - one who just wants people to hear his voice.
I'm forced to reflect that all writers probably feel the same way.
Jamie and I have been lucky enough to have our voices heard by thousands of people. It gives us both a great deal of pleasure to step aside today, and let this man's voice be heard instead.
The next hour is a fascinating - if rambling - monologue conducted by Hedley Mislington that holds his audience rapt. If the guy could only write as well as he spins a verbal anecdote, Taming The African Love Goddess would be a best seller.
Jamie and I collectively decide it's time to leave while Hedley is regaling the crowd with the tale of how he once got lost in a Moroccan souk for three days. I very much doubt we'll be missed, and there's no way we could compete with such a stirring tale - not even with another retelling of the fajita incident.
As we back out of the store with Tori in tow, I can't help but feel I've learned a valuable lesson today.
Be kind to somebody who needs it, and it'll help them do wonders.
The hipster did indeed upload the video to YouTube Mum. He melodramatically called it 'The Newmans Vs The Cardigan God.'
At last count it's had over one hundred and seventy thousand hits, and Taming The African Love Goddess is at number 26 in the Amazon store - seven places above Love Under Different Skies.
I couldn't be happier.
Love you and miss you, Mum.
Your 33rd placed daughter, Laura.
XX
Jamie's Blog
Monday 14 June
Oh God, why did I ever think joining social media was a good idea?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 6
Hey everyone! Jamie here, out walking with the family. It's a lovely day! Sunny for once! #walking #sunnyday #summer
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 6
Makes a nice change, doesn't it?
PiddlePops @Piddlepops12 Jul 6
Love your books Jamie! When's the next one out?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 6
Thx @PiddlePops! We're working hard on the next book now! More info soon!
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 6
For a writer, you use way too many exclamation marks.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 6
@Rudyardbutgentle Sorry Rudyard! I will try to do better!!!!!!! :)
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 6
Very funny.
***
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
Back to the grindstone today! Two thousand words done by lunchtime! #amwriting
Carla @Snoopydrawers Jul 7
Excellent! Write quicker! Have run out of Newman books to read :)
Minch @MinchieMoo92 Jul 7
Are you writing another book about yourselves? Or is this a new idea?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
@MinchieMoo92 A new idea for us! Hope it's one that you will enjoy!
Minch @MinchieMoo92 Jul 7
Great! Will look forward to it :) What's it about?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
@MinchieMoo92 It's about how I love to masturbate geese in the park at 3am. I always wear rubber pants & stick a finger up my arse.
Minch @MinchieMoo92 Jul 7
Lol! What?
Carla @Snoopydrawers Jul 7
ARE YOU SERIOUS???!!!
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
Oh God. I didn't write that! What's going on?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
Yes I did. I did write that. I love sexy geese. All feathers and beaks. Dirty avian whores. I love them.
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 7
I think you've been hacked Jamie. Happened to me last year!
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
@DannyTwoTone Thanks Danny! You're probably right. I'll change my password now!
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 7
Good idea!
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 7
All done! Password changed. Phew!
***
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 8
Hi everyone! Today, I'm going to stick my penis into a frozen turkey and pump it like a flat tyre! #birdsmakemehorny
Tom @Thunderbratz Jul 8
Dude. You're weird. My wife said read your book. Don't think I will now.
Beaky @Beaksandwings_xxx Jul 8
#birdsmakemehorny too Jamie. Maybe you could write about them? I'd love that. That'd be really sexy. #fantasy
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 8
@Beaksandwings_xxx That wasn't me! Sorry! My account's been hacked again! I didn't write that!
Beaky @Beaksandwings_xxx Jul 8
Oh. :(
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 8
@Beaksandwings_xxx Just kidding. I love me some poultry. Want to swap pics? [email protected]. #dirtierthebetter
Beaky @Beaksandwings_xxx Jul 8
:) I'll send you some of my best. You'll love me in my crotchless emu costume.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 8
@Beaksandwings_xxx Mmmmm. I'm getting hard just thinking about it.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 8
Who the f*ck are you?! Stop hacking my account!! I'm changing passwords again! Please leave me alone!
***
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 10
It's been a couple of days, and no sign on being hacked again. Phew! #bigrelief
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 10
Good for you. It's horrible when that happens. Glad you don't actually find birds sexy!
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 10
@DannyTwoTone Only the human kind! :)
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 10
Lol. Now get back to writing that new book!
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 10
@DannyTwoTone Will do! Got to go fuck an albatross first though! I have him pinned down in the back garden. Where's that Swarfega?
Dan Jones @DannyTwoTone Jul 10
Oh dear...
***
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
Hi all. This really is Jamie this time. I'm sorry about all the bird stuff. Damn hackers.
Minch @MinchieMoo92 Jul 11
Have you got it fixed now?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@MinchieMoo92 Yeah. Had to redo everything though. Took hours :( On the phone to them and everything :(
Minch @MinchieMoo92 Jul 11
Never mind! At least it's all sorted now :)
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@MinchieMoo92 Hopefully! I don't know what I did to deserve it though.
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 11
Maybe you shouldn't be so rude when someone points out your overuse of exclamation marks. #revengeissweet
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle What? It was you?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle Are you still there?
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 11
Yep.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
Gimme some big hard cock. A big hard cock's cock. Mmmmm. Finger licking good. #flightlessissexiest
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle Sod off!!!
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 11
That's two more exclamation marks than you need there, Jamie. I can start posting pictures any time I like...
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle Okay, okay. I'm sorry, you win. I'm very sorry for being rude to you.
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 11
Alright then. Apology accepted. No more saying yo
u like to have sex with birds.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle Thank you very much.
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 11
No problem. Now, how do you feel about fellating leprechauns?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
@Rudyardbutgentle Leprechauns? Oh God, they are so sexy! I'll chug down a leprechaun's length to get at his pot of gold! #suckmyluckycharms
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 11
You utter bastard!
Tom @Thunderbratz Jul 11
Dude. You have some serious issues. I'm reporting you.
***
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 12
I'm a tiny leprechaun, all dressed in green. I am the smallest man that you've ever seen.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 12
If you rub my belly, I'll laugh all the day. If you go down on me, then you're probably gay.
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 12
@Rudyardbutgentle You're back then Rudyard...
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 12
Yeah baby! What'cho you gonna do about it?
Jamie and Laura @NewmanWriters Jul 12
@Rudyardbutgentle Not much. I'm no expert at this stuff.
Rudyard Stripling @Rudyardbutgentle Jul 12
Love...Among The Stars: Book 4 in the Love...Series (Love Series) Page 13