Anita’s words floated before her for only a split second. After she’d thrown up her insides only a few hours ago, her usual numbness had given way to a vast emptiness and she was defenseless against Anita’s words. They sank past her worn-out defenses and for a brief moment Lizzy considered the possibility that they might be true. The sound of scraping chairs filled the space around her and Emily appeared at her side with that million-dollar smile.
*
From deep within her consciousness Judith registered the knock at her door.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but it’s time for Emily’s bath and I was wondering if you were well enough to take care of it. I mean I’d do it, but I don’t want her feeling awkward or anything like that.”
Without thinking Judith flipped back the sheets and forced herself in an upright position. “No, no I’ll do it.” She rubbed her eyes. “What time is it?”
“It’s nearly seven. Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” Judith spoke more sharply than she intended, but Lizzy had already disappeared before she could apologize.
She lingered on the edge of her bed, feeling like she was balancing herself on a seesaw—too much to one side and she would topple. She couldn’t believe how terrible she felt. She didn’t know if it was because of her nearly freezing to death or if it was due to the release of all that stopped-up emotion that had torn itself out of her the other day. Whatever the reason, she had never felt so exhausted, and the fact that she had slept nearly all weekend and had only seen Emily once upset her.
Earlier in the day she had awoken to find the apartment empty, and not knowing where Emily was had been like a thunderstrike to her heart. Then when she’d found the note left on the kitchen counter by Lizzy explaining where they were, her panic had turned to anger. Lizzy had taken Emily without consulting her first. She had wanted to be up for when they got back, but her new emotions had zapped the little strength she had and she had been forced to go back to bed again. Now she wanted nothing more than to see Emily.
While she helped Emily bathe, she listened as Emily told her about her day. The frustration within her gradually melted away as she listened and she secretly chastised herself for being a fool and for being selfish. Emily had been well looked after and had enjoyed herself immensely. Lizzy, who had let them stay in her home, who had been nothing but kind and supportive, had now taken care of Emily without hesitation. It was just that Emily was her life, and the idea of not being a good mother to her was unbearable. She wasn’t used to not being one hundred percent available for Emily, and she certainly wasn’t used to having someone around to help her out instead of making things more difficult. Lizzy taking care of Emily while she couldn’t had been frightening, and she had unjustly projected her fear onto Lizzy in the form of anger.
What had made it worse was that she was very aware of how happy and relaxed Emily seemed since they had arrived, and although Emily’s laughter and cheerful banter warmed her soul, it tore at her heart, because it only reinforced that which she already knew to be true: Emily had not been happy in the life she had built for her. Emily seemed to have no trouble in accepting the changes in their lives and the absence of her father and, unlike Judith herself, seemed to have no trouble in accepting Lizzy’s kindness.
Once Emily was settled for the night, Judith went to look for Lizzy. She found her drying up the dishes from the evening meal. She looked tired and Judith’s guilt only grew.
“Emily asked me to say good night.”
Lizzy glanced over her shoulder. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry about the way I was earlier.”
“There’s no need.”
Lizzy was only a few feet away, but she sounded distant, and at that moment Judith wanted desperately to bridge the gap.
“Please, I need to apologize. What you’ve done for us, taking care of Emily last night and today, it’s, it’s…” Judith struggled to find the words. “I’m not used to not being there for her, and, well…”
Lizzy stopped what she was doing. “It’s okay, Judith. I get it.”
“Do you?”
“You’re her mother. You’re used to being the only one that takes care of her. She’s your life. You love her and you’re scared of losing her. I get it.”
Judith felt the air in her lungs dissipate. The intensity with which Lizzy had spoken stunned her. Although those words were meant for her, she knew instinctively that in them lay the key to Lizzy’s pain. She felt like she was on the verge of finally understanding something important about her, but Lizzy was already walking past her. She felt an uncontrollable urge to stop her, to ask her what it was she wasn’t understanding, but she had no idea how. She felt worn out and resigned herself to yet again watching Lizzy walk away from her.
She checked in on Emily one last time before readily climbing back into bed.
*
“Mommy, why aren’t you getting up? The clock has been buzzing for ages.”
Judith looked up at Emily and remembered it was Monday morning. She didn’t need to look at the clock to know she was late.
“I’m sorry, darling.” Judith sneezed. “Why don’t you go ahead and get dressed. I’ll be right behind you.”
Emily didn’t move. “I think you should stay in bed, Mommy. Like I have to when I’m sick.”
Judith smiled and stroked Emily’s hair. “I wouldn’t call lying on the couch watching cartoons all day the same as staying in bed.”
Emily chuckled and Judith rested her heavy head back on her pillow. She didn’t feel well enough to go to work, but she told herself it was simply a case of mind over matter.
“Go on, now, and don’t forget to brush your teeth.”
Emily still didn’t move and her expression turned stern. “I really don’t think you should get up, Mommy.”
Judith couldn’t help it; the tears came of their own accord. Emily started gently shaking her arm, asking her what was the matter, but Judith couldn’t answer her and buried her face into the pillow as Emily ran out of the room.
Lizzy, like the previous nights, had only managed a few hours’ sleep, but she was quickly awake when she realized that Emily was next to her bed trying to wake her up.
“What’s the matter, Emily?”
“It’s Mommy. She’s crying.”
Emily was clearly distressed, so Lizzy let herself be led by the hand to Judith’s room, where she found Judith lying in bed crying into her pillow. Lizzy didn’t think she could handle this, but the look on Emily’s face made her stay. She asked her if she could have a moment alone with her mother and waited until Emily was out of the room before kneeling next to the bed. She gently placed a hand on Judith’s shoulder. “Judith?”
“Leave…me…alone, please.” Judith could hardly get the words out.
Lizzy spoke softly. “Judith, would you look at me, please?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t stop crying.”
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
Judith mumbled into the pillow and Lizzy had to lean in closer to understand what she was saying.
“My seven-year-old daughter thinks her mother should stay in bed. I can’t believe how things have turned out and I can’t believe what a wreck I am. I thought leaving Menno was what I wanted, but what I wanted was a family. I wanted someone to love and love me back. I wanted Emily to be loved and safe. She doesn’t even miss her own father. What does that tell you and what does it say about me as a mother? My father once said that all he expected of me was for me to be myself, but I’ve failed him and I’ve failed Emily and on top of all that I’m feeling utterly sorry for myself and I’ve got a horrible cold.”
Judith lost herself in sobs again and Lizzy wondered what on earth she could say to make things better. They hadn’t spoken about what had happened that night between Judith and Menno, but Lizzy understood that the confrontation had triggered these emotions. Although Judith had seemed to be cop
ing well up until then, Lizzy appreciated the fact that Judith had a lot to confront within herself before she was ready to move on, and she knew all too well what it felt like to fail someone you loved. Without thinking she started to stroke Judith’s hair.
“I’ve never met your father, but from what you’ve told me about him I don’t think he would see you as a failure. If anything, I think he would be proud of you for being brave enough to try to change your life, and as for Emily, that little girl knows what it is to be loved. She knows how much you love her. You haven’t failed, Judith, not by a long shot.”
“I’m not usually like this, Lizzy.”
“I know.”
“I feel like a silly little girl.”
“You’re hurt. You have been for a long time. You’ve just found out about it and now your body is trying to heal itself.”
Her own words rang too true in her own ears and with a sigh she stopped playing with the soft strands of hair between her fingers.
“How about I call your work and let them know that you’re sick.”
“I can’t.”
“Of course you can. You just have to stay put while you learn to accept that things have changed and that you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I’ll see to Emily.”
Judith turned to her. “You are the kindest person I have ever known.”
Lizzy started to rise, but Judith reached out and grabbed her arm. “Please, Lizzy, accept my compliment.”
Lizzy hesitated, not quite sure how to. “You’re an easy person to be kind to.”
Judith smiled softly. “That feels like only half an acceptance, but it will do for now.”
Lizzy smiled back and started to rise again. “I’ll see to Emily.”
“No, wait. I don’t want her going to school with the image of me sobbing in her head. I want to try to make her breakfast, or at least see her off.”
Lizzy reached for her dressing gown that lay at the end of Judith’s bed and passed it to her. “That sounds like a good idea to me.”
Chapter Fifteen
By Wednesday Judith was starting to feel much better again. She had slept through most of the past few days, leaving Emily primarily in Lizzy’s care, but she had made a point of being there to tuck her in at night. Today, when she’d awoken around midday, she had felt the need to do something constructive and had set about preparing dinner. Both Lizzy and Emily had protested when they arrived home to find her in the kitchen, but their protests had ended at the table when they had all sat to eat. She had just tucked Emily in to bed and was in the process of climbing back into her own when she heard a quiet knock on her bedroom door.
“Yes?”
The door opened and Lizzy popped her head in. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”
Judith gestured for her to come in. Lizzy entered and quietly pushed the door to and hovered at the end of Judith’s bed.
“You know that Emily’s got that audition on Monday…”
Judith raised an eyebrow. “You mean the audition she isn’t allowed to do?”
Lizzy smiled. “Yeah, that one.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I was wondering if you’d allow me to get her a pirate costume, you know, to buff up her chances.”
Judith didn’t know what to say. There was a sparkle in Lizzy’s eyes that she’d never seen before, and her whole manner was endearing.
“You know, I think that’s a lovely idea.”
“You do?”
“Absolutely. I just wish I could be there to see Mrs. Bouwman’s face when Emily walks on stage dressed up as a pirate when she’s supposed to be a fairy.”
“I’ve never met Mrs. Bouwman, but I think I would enjoy that too.” Lizzy hesitated a moment before continuing. “How about I pop back home tomorrow while she’s still at school, and we go get one. That’s if you’re up to it, of course.”
Lizzy’s attempt at keeping her involved as well as her attentiveness touched her immensely.
“Have you got the time?”
Lizzy shrugged. “Well, we’re in the final stages of setting everything up now, so I’m sure I can sneak away for an extended lunch break, and besides, I’m the director. I’m supposed to have some say in what goes on, on set.” She wriggled her eyebrows. “I’ll just have to make sure Anita doesn’t catch me leaving. So, are we on?”
Lizzy’s playful innocence was a striking contrast to her usual aloofness, and the fact that Lizzy obviously felt safe enough with her to show that side of herself did her heart good. There was no way she could have said no to her, even if she had wanted to.
“Yes, we’re on. What time did you have in mind?”
“Is eleven okay?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Lizzy turned serious. “If you don’t feel well enough, call me. Don’t force anything.”
“I will.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise.”
Lizzy seemed to relax again. “Okay. Well, I’ll let you get to sleep.”
She turned to leave, but Judith couldn’t help herself. “Do you know the saying, whatever you give out you get double back?”
“Yes.”
“You have a lot to expect.”
Judith tried to keep eye contact in an attempt to make sure that Lizzy understood what she meant, but Lizzy averted her gaze.
“I’ve already had my share. Good night, Judith.”
“Good night, Lizzy.”
*
The first thing Lizzy did when she arrived on set the following morning was to schedule an extra-long lunch break for herself. It hadn’t been easy and Anita was pissed at first, but then offered Emily her moral support after Lizzy had explained about the situation with Mrs. Bouwman.
She felt excited and couldn’t remember when she’d last felt excited about anything. She was sure she was being daft. After all it was only a kids’ school play, but she really wanted Emily to have the right gear to give it her best shot. She was pleasantly surprised to find Judith already waiting for her on the pavement and was glad to see she had some color back in her cheeks.
“Hey, you didn’t have to wait outside. I would have come up and gotten you.”
Judith closed the car door and reached for her seat belt. “I know, but I’ve been stuck indoors for days now, and besides, I’m looking forward to this little excursion.”
Lizzy started to pull away from the curb. “You look lovely, by the way.”
After several days of bed and snotty tears, Judith wanted to look like a normal human being again and had made an extra effort in getting ready. It touched her immensely that Lizzy had noticed.
“You’re just used to seeing me look a mess.”
“You didn’t look a mess the other night.”
Judith knew she was referring to the night she’d gone to see Menno, and her cheeks flushed as they had when Lizzy had complimented her that night. She quickly turned away to look out of her window.
As soon as they entered the costume shop, they were distracted from their search by the extravagance of some of the costumes. They roamed the aisles, picking ones out as they went along, making each other laugh and giggling sheepishly together at some of the more naughty-looking ones. Eventually the shop assistant, whose somber face was a sharp contrast to the items on sale, approached them and asked them if they needed help. When they explained to her what they were looking for, she coldly informed them that they didn’t sell costumes for children and barely managed the courtesy of telling them of another shop that did.
The next shop did sell children’s costumes and they found the cutest pirate costume they had ever seen. In their excitement they decided to buy an extra-long sword and a long black wig to go with it. While they waited to check out, Lizzy’s stomach growled. She checked the time and knew she should be heading back to the studio, but she was enjoying her time with Judith.
“Would you like to have lunch somewhere?”
Judith was clearly surprised at her suggestion. “S
houldn’t you be getting back?”
“I still have time.”
Judith smiled shyly. “Well, I am feeling a bit peckish.”
Lizzy’s mind was made up. “Well, that settles it, then.” Lizzy took her to an Irish pub, the O’Reilly’s next to the Royal Palace, and soon they were seated at a heavy wooden table overlooking the street with a crackling fireplace just a few feet away.
Judith took a sip of her coffee. “I can’t remember when I last went out for lunch just for the fun of it, and this is such a romantic setting.”
Lizzy enjoyed seeing the sparkle in Judith’s eyes and was glad she had suggested coming here.
Time seemed to stand still as they chatted, and it wasn’t until after their plates had been cleared away and they were drinking their second cup of coffee that Lizzy finally looked at her watch. She was late and although she would have preferred to stay and listen to Judith, she knew she couldn’t.
“I have to get back,” she said apologetically.
“Have I got time to pay the ladies’ room a visit? I mean, I don’t want to get you in even more trouble than you already are.”
“Ah, Anita’s bark is bigger than her bite.”
“She sounds like an interesting character.”
“She is.” Lizzy casually reached out and took Judith’s coat and held it up for her. “If you want, I could arrange it that you come with me next Saturday.”
Judith slipped into her coat and then turned to face Lizzy with a beaming smile. “I’d love that.”
*
Judith kicked off her shoes and let herself fall back onto the couch. She felt tired, but she also felt a gentle buzz of excitement. The past few hours with Lizzy had been so cozy, and at no time had Lizzy put up a barrier or retreated into herself. Judith knew that was most likely due to the fact that they hadn’t really talked about anything too personal. However, this had been the first time they had been able to be around each other for a lengthy period of time without things turning awkward, and Judith reveled in the notion.
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