by Jay McLean
She's more than I ever let myself dream.
Tom's sitting in the chair in the corner of the room with a blanket thrown over him, snoring lightly. I don't know who had a worse time during labor; him or me. He cried. He's never cried. Not that I know of, anyway. But he did. He cried like a big old goofball. He said he was jealous because now he'd have to share my love. But he was wrong.
Love has no limits. No boundaries. No time. It's eternal. Forever.
And as I look down at my little baby girl, I've never felt such truth before.
So Mom, if you can somehow read this—from where you sit in your fluffy clouds in heaven—I want you to know that you were right. There's absolutely no love greater than the one you have for your children. Nothing.
I stop reading and glance down at her; she's fallen asleep. Her eyes are closed and her breaths are even. Her mouth's partially open, drooling onto my arm. I should be grossed out, but it's kind of cute.
I get more comfortable and read more of the pages. More of the life of a woman I wish I got the chance to know. A lot of the entries are about Lucy, and I wonder if each of the boys have something similar—a piece of her to keep forever.
I don't even realize how heavy my eyelids are until I get to the last page, but it's in different writing. It's Lucy's. I look down at her again. She hasn't moved since getting in this position. I question whether to read it or not, but she let me read it. She wanted me to.
Dear Mom,
I've never wished for you to be alive more than I wish now. I wish that you were here so you could sit in the closet with me while you pretend to be engrossed in all my girly secrets, like you used to when I was a kid. We'd giggle together and you'd ask me questions that were so insignificant to you, but you'd make them feel so significant to me. You always did that. In a house full of seven children, you always managed to make us all feel like individuals. Each of us was our own selves. But each of us was a piece of you, and dad, and each other.
But you're not here. And every day I miss you more and more. Even though some days, especially lately, I think about the hurt of missing you less and less. I hurt less and less, Mom. And do you want to know why? It's a secret, but I'll share it with you.
It's because of a boy.
His name is Cameron.
And I think I'm in love with him.
I know you'd giggle now, and think to yourself, 'You don't know true love, you're only fifteen.'
But you'd keep asking questions anyway, and you'd make me feel less dumb for thinking that if this isn't true love, then I don't want to know what true love is. I just want to feel this—whatever I feel for him—forever.
Because in a time of nothing but pain, and anger, and emptiness, and hurt... he healed me.
He made it stop.
He made it better.
He made me fall in love.
Love.
I love him.
And he shows up every day, thinking that I don't see him. That I don't want to speak to him. That I don't pay attention to him. But I do.
Some day I'll get the nerve to kiss him.
And someday after that, I'll get the courage to tell him that I love him.
Or... I could just sit here and keep dreaming about how hot he is. Maybe I'll just do that.
I blow out a breath and give my heart time to settle. The thumping weakens. The pace slows. The ache is still there. I rub my hand against it, hoping that it'll ease it somehow. But it's not a pain causing it. It's love.
I close the diary, set it on the nightstand, and switch off the lamp. I wrap both arms around her, bringing her as close as possible, but not close enough.
"I love you, Cameron," she whispers.
"Forever, Luce. I love you, forever."
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
-LUCY-
"I can't believe Dad built that cabin for me!"
Cam yawns loudly and shakes off his sleepiness. "I know. How cool is it?" He yawns again.
"Are you okay, babe?"
He throws his head back against the car seat. "I'm so tired, Lucy. I don't know how you sleep as little as you do and still function."
I pull over in front of his house and turn to him. "I'm used to it."
He yawns again. "Come hang out for a bit?"
"You don't wanna sleep?"
"Later. I'll always choose you over sleep."
We sit on his couch for five minutes before he pulls me down to a laying position and lies in front of me. He wraps his arms around my waist and throws a leg over mine, pulling me flush against him. "I should go—"
"Shh! Be quiet."
I laugh as he settles his head comfortably on my breasts. "Maybe just—"
"Shh!" he says again, squeezing me tight.
A minute later he's out. And not long after that, so am I. I don't know how long after we both fall asleep that I hear the front door open. I lift my head to see Mark and Heather walking in. Our positions haven't changed so I lift my finger to my mouth to let them know he's asleep.
She smiles warmly and walks to him. Shaking him gently, she whispers his name.
He moans in response.
She does it again.
One of his eyes opens and a hint of a smile forms. "Boobies," he says, before rubbing his face on my breasts.
"Cameron!" Heather and I yell at the same time.
He must hear his mom's voice over mine because he lazily tilts his head back to face her. "Mother," he deadpans, then resumes his position.
Mark jokes, "Heather, you should get cock blocker of the year award."
"I hear that!" Cam says, raising his hand for a high five that never comes.
I giggle.
He positions his leg further around me and brings me closer to him.
His mom sighs, but there's amusement in her eyes. The same kind my mom had when she'd see us doing something stupid. "Maybe you should—"
"No." Cam squeezes me tighter, his head never lifting, his eyes never opening. "She's mine. Don't take her away."
He rubs his head against my chest again, trying to get comfortable. I run my fingers through his hair. It's rare that I get a chance to do it when he isn't wearing a cap. It's gotten shaggier, and darker, since we'd started dating. He's changed a lot since then.
Heather laughs quietly. "I was going to say why don't you take Lucy up to your room and sleep there?"
"Oh." He lifts his head to look at me. I'm already watching him, smiling, wondering how I got so damn lucky. His eyes drift shut again. "Will you carry me, babe?"
"Ooh," Mark whispers. "He's doing that fake drunk-from-fatigue thing he used to do when he was a kid so I'd carry him in from the car."
Cam groans in response, and then dramatically pulls away. First one leg, then one arm, then somehow he spins completely around and onto all fours on the floor. We all watch in amazement as he makes something like standing look like the hardest physical thing in the world. Once he's on all fours, he drops to the floor and curls into a ball. I have to nudge him with my foot to get him to wake up again. "Fine," he sighs, but he doesn't move.
"Fine, I'll be in your bed waiting for you."
"She has boobies," Mark chides.
Cam grunts, before standing up and taking my hand to lead me to his room.
He closes and locks the door, then leans against it. "I was told there'd be boobies," he says, his voice hoarse from sleep.
I laugh as I get into his bed. "Come back and hold me like you did, that was nice."
"So no boobies?"
I shake my head.
"Why does everyone lie to me?" He shrugs out of his jeans and peels off his shirt from the back, like guys do. I watch him the entire time.
"I know you want me," he says, smiling as he joins me in bed.
Five minutes later, he's quietly snoring next to me.
-CAMERON-
"It was amazing," I hear her whispering. "It's like nothing I've ever felt before. Even when I've dreamed about it, it never felt like that." I throw my h
and out searching for her, but she's not there.
"I can't do that!" she whispers loudly.
I sit up and try to get my bearings.
"What am I supposed to say?" she giggles.
I look around my room like a dumbass trying to find her. The thing is—I'm one of those assholes that need to sleep when I'm tired. And there's a reason for it; it's because I turn into a dumbass if I don't. Proof: I'm looking under my bed for her.
"Oh my God, Claudia. I can't do that," she laughs.
The bathroom door's open and I can see her reflection in the mirror, leaning back on the counter with the phone to her ear.
I fling my body back and try to get comfortable again.
"So I just say, 'Hey Cameron, thanks for letting me have the best mind-blowing orgasm and letting me come on and around your fingers. Wanna do it again?'"
"I'm up!" I shout. Fuck, I'm up.
She laughs loudly. "I'll call you back, Claud."
She struts out of the bathroom, gets on the bed and settles her legs on either side of me, straddling me. "You heard what I said?"
"Yup."
"So?"
I try to hide my smile, grip her ass and pull her into me. "So?"
Her cheeks redden.
I raise an eyebrow. "Are you going to ask me?"
"No!" She drops her head on my shoulder, too embarrassed to face me. I lace my fingers in her hair and curl them; pulling lightly so her head tilts back and I can see her face.
She licks her lips, her eyes burning with lust. Then she thrusts forward, pressing her heat onto my dick and pushing her tits closer to my mouth. Her eyes seem to narrow and widen at the same time. A resolve washes over her features. She leans forward, kissing me once, softly. My fingers tighten; one in her hair, and the other on her ass. She pulls back, her eyes never leaving mine. "Please fuck me soon, Cam."
And at her words, I lose control. I throw her off me with so much force she rolls over twice on the bed before landing on the floor with a thud. "Cam!" she screams, but I'm too busy slamming the bathroom door, getting in the shower, and turning the cold water on. I get in, boxer shorts and all, and start to... well... you know.
She bangs on the door. "Cam!"
"Fuck, yeah. Say my name," I whisper. My eyes are shut as I imagine her under me. Me between her legs and inside her.
"Cam!"
"One more time, babe," I say a little louder. Fuck. I'm a creep.
"Cam!"
I laugh. And come. At the same time.
***
I speak to Mom, ask her if I can spend the night with Lucy in her cabin. Apparently Tom had already spoken to her. In fact, he asked for her approval before he went ahead and built it. She made a dramatic show of losing her son forever. Lucy felt bad and said that I should stay home. That was a week ago. We've spent every night in here since. Actually, we've spent every spare second together since.
I try to respect her dad's wishes and not take advantage, so I keep my hands off her until we go to bed. But I can't do anything about my hard-on once we get in there.
She usually stays up reading. I fall asleep pretty fast, waking only when she's done and she scoots down with me. We fall asleep with our arms around each other and her head on my chest. And we stay that way until we wake for school.
***
Fuck.
I'm having a wet dream, and I'm in Lucy's bed. I'm gonna come in my shorts. This is bad. This is really fucking bad.
Body: No man, it's happening. Just accept it.
Brain: You can wake up before it happens. It's fine.
Body: Goddamn, it feels good. It's so warm. Did you know it would be this warm?
Brain: I don't know. I just think things.
"Fuck, baby, you feel so good," I mumble out loud. Shit.
I feel her giggle.
Body: What the hell do you mean 'feel' her giggle?
Brain: Dude, wake the fuck up!
"Huh?"
My eyes snap open. I look down at my dick... in her mouth!
"Holy fuck!"
I try to pull back but she holds my hips in place.
Brain: Dude, let it happen.
Body: Fuck yeah, dude. Please let it happen.
"Oh my God."
She pulls back, causing the cold air to hit my dick. "Does it feel okay?"
"Yeah babe. It feels so good."
She smiles, her mouth descending again. "So I should keep going?"
Body: Is she stupid? Of course she should keep going!
Brain: Wait. Did you even shower today?
Body: Who the fuck cares. Shut up, brain.
"Uh huh!" I lay my head back on the pillow, close my eyes. And I take it. "Oh my God," I moan again, feeling the pleasure of her mouth around me.
I do my best to hold back. Not wanting to come. Not wanting to thrust up and force it into her. "Oh my God."
She pulls back again.
I look down at her.
Her e-reader's next to my thigh and she's swiping across the screen.
"Are you seriously reading right now?"
"No." She shakes her head. "I'm researching."
I lean up, just enough to fling her e-reader off the bed. It flies across the room and bounces off the wall. "Fuck the research babe, you're doing amazing."
I grab the back of her head and push it back down.
She laughs, before taking me in her mouth again.
Body: Fuck yeahhhhhhhh!
"Tell me how you like it, baby," she says, my dick still touching her lips.
"Uh huh, just keep going."
Brain: That wasn't very nice, Cam.
Body: Shut the fuck up, brain.
"Cup my balls." What the fuck? What did I just say?
She sits up.
Body: Noooooo!
Her brows pinch. "What do you mean cup?"
I try to show her with my hands. "You know, like... hold them."
"Hold them?"
"Not hard... like don't grab them. Just cup them."
She shrugs. And then she cups them.
Body: Holy shit, dude!
Brain: I know, right?
"Please don't stop, Luce."
"Oh." She looks surprised. "You want me to do both at the same time?"
"Uh huh."
"Okay." She shrugs before getting back to work.
Body: Ho. Lee. Shit.
Brain: You don't deserve this, asshole.
Body: Seriously, shut the fuck up, brain.
"Give me your other hand," I tell her, leaning up so I can reach it. She gives me her hand. I take it and wrap it around the base of my cock, and show her how to move it.
She gets it right away.
"Fuck," I moan.
Body: Yeaaaahhhhh buddy!
My hips start moving on their own, matching her movements. "Babe," I warn.
Body: Not yet, man.
Brain: He can't help it.
"Babe, I'm gonna come."
She works faster, more determined.
Brain: She's not going to...
Body: Not yet! Not yet! Oh. Fuck...
I let out a grunt when I come. I pant, trying to level my breathing.
She takes it all.
Her head lifts. Then her hands cover her mouth.
"Are you okay?" I pant.
She raises a finger, asking me to wait, and then she runs to the bathroom.
I hear the tap running, and her spitting. Then she brushes her teeth. Spits. Brushes. Spits. This happens four more times.
I lean back on my pillow, my fingers linked behind my head.
Body: Fuck yeah! You're a boss!
Brain: You, Cameron Aladdin Gordon, are a goddamn stud.
My cheeks hurt from grinning so wide.
She walks out of the bathroom with a bottle of mouthwash in her hand. Her mouth moves as she sloshes and gargles it. She looks at me with eyes narrowed, but she doesn't speak. She just walks back into the bathroom and spits it out. When she's done, she comes back out and gla
res at me. She picks up her e-reader off the floor and starts swiping the screen.
"What's wrong, babe?"
"Shh," she snaps.
I lay back down and get comfortable, my hands still behind my head, marveling in the glory of receiving my first blow job.
"This is bullshit!" she clips. "Either this book is fucked up or the woman that wrote it is one crazy-ass bitch."
I chuckle.
She glares.
I stop.
She goes back to the e-reader, her eyes scanning the lines. "Here," she points to it. "It actually says; ‘Oh my God you stallion’," she reads. "I love your throbbing member in and around my mouth. I love the taste of your load. It's my favorite taste in the entire world. Come for me again." She looks up at me. "No, Cam. Just. Fucking. No."
She walks to the window, and before I can ask her what the hell she's doing, she's opening it and throwing the e-reader outside.
"It's bullshit, Cam. No one wants that shit in their mouth."
I all out laugh now. "What did you expect it to taste like?"
She shrugs, her face contorted in disgust. "I don't know. Not that. Like... maybe what you had for dinner."
"Hot dogs?"
She mock shivers and gets into bed.
"So no more blow jobs?"
She throws an arm and a leg over me. "I'm not saying never, I'm just saying not for a while."
Chuckling, I kiss the top of her head and bring her closer. "Thank you, baby."
She tilts her head back to look at me. "So it was okay?"
"It was amazing."
She smiles. "I did good?"
"You did better than good, Luce."
She grins from ear to ear and kisses my chest. "It's kind of hot. I actually enjoyed it. Until you know... the whole funky spunk in my mouth thing."
CHAPTER NINETEEN
-LUCY-
For the last two weeks he's spent every night at my cabin. Some nights we have dinner at his mom's house and I tell him that he should stay there. His mom jokes that he may as well move out. I'm not sure if Cameron knew that she was joking, because now he has a drawer in my dresser, half my closet space, and the bathroom is filled with shaving products and manly cologne. Not that I'm complaining. I love having him close all the time. What I don't love is the fact that he barely touches me.
Two weeks we've slept in the same bed. Him in nothing but boxers, and me, in my tank and panties trying to look cute. Still, he won't touch me.