He puts his arms around me, pulling me into his t-shirt as my emotions finally spiral out of control. I love him so much it singes every raw nerve in my body. The knowledge that he has the ability to crush me into a million jagged shards of emotion keeps a small part of me in check. I can’t do this. I can’t be so completely vulnerable to him. I’m afraid to stay—I can’t. I couldn’t survive losing him a second time. I can’t live with him any more than I can live without him. I’m trapped by his love.
“I hate you for doing this to me,” I yell at the brink of my lungs’ capacity into his chest, breaking into harsh stinging tears. For the first time since he broke up with me I let myself sob—hard.
“Please don’t leave me, Sydney. I love you. You’re everything to me. I can’t live without you, I can’t die without you. You’re my heart, you’re my soul…the air that keeps me alive. Without you, I’m nothing. You’re everything—every fucking thing, Syd!” He cries, for the first time he shows all emotion, restraining nothing.
“I don’t want to love you, Dominick. It’s over.”
The sight of him falling to his knees, burying his face in his hands is the most heart wrenching sight I’ve ever experienced. The horrible sound of his painful sobs and pleading are this last thing I hear as his image fades into the morning light.
“Baby, don’t go. Please.”
***
10
Saved by the Boob
My stomach retches the moment I sit upright in the bed. Knowing what Nick is going through right now is not helping the morning sickness. Between seeing Lana’s image again and trying to remain strong against Nick, I didn’t even consider telling him about the baby. If nothing else, it proves that he’s staying true to his word about keeping out of my head, since he didn’t mention it. I miss his voice already, his scent—his beautiful eyes. I was doing so well. I feel like I’ve been set back at the starting line of a hundred-mile marathon. I have to get up and try to be normal today. I can’t sit here and fall into a spiral of my own sadness. I pray he is okay. I can’t accept any other idea…
I walk as slowly as possible to the kitchen. Motion seems to set off my morning sickness. Even crawling at a snail’s pace I’ll be lucky to make it to the trash can in time.
I make it without a second to spare, expelling another few pounds of waste into the kitchen sink. I know nothing about morning sickness, babies, or pregnancy, but I definitely know I’m tired of this part already.
“Wow, are you alright?” Heather asks from behind.
I still rest against the counter, burying my face in the sink.
“Uh—I’m okay. I’m sorry about the sink. I’ll clean it with some bleach in a minute. I tried for the trash can, but it was too far.”
“I’m gonna make you some hot tea to sip on. It’ll help.”
We sit at the table. She eats a yogurt as I sip my tea. She was right, it really does help. I’ll have to remember this for next time.
“How did you sleep, Syd?”
I don’t see the harm in telling the truth, well—some of it.
“I saw Lana in my room—in my dream. Just like the night she was here. It was terrifying.”
“Aww, honey, I’m sorry. I know it might seem kinda soon, but how would you feel about talking to someone? I’m sure my mother could work you in today. She’s working the Atlanta office this week.”
“Thanks, Heather. I appreciate the offer, but I’m just not ready yet. I think the best thing for me is some distraction. Maybe I will try to get out of the house a little this weekend if I’m feeling better.”
Her face tunes out for a second as she seems to ponder something. I always thought it was funny how she creases her eyes together and twirls a lock of hair in her fingers when she’s thinking—one of her few female-ish tendencies.
“I have an idea. Pack a bag with at least two changes of clothes. Call your sister and Cayden, invite them too, I want to make up with everyone. We are going on a weekend getaway.” She smiles. “My treat.”
“Really, you would do that? That would be great!” A thought hits me, diminishing my excitement. “Aww, wait, I have school on Saturdays. That’s assuming they haven’t booted me from the program for missing too much time.”
“Actually, I took the liberty of calling your professor yesterday, explaining your issue. He’s given you the next two weeks off from class, without penalty.”
“You’re so sweet, Heather. Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Cry forever, be permanently depressed, be left to puke in the dirty sink without tea settle your tummy, flunk out of school…” She smirks.
“You’re just full service. I may just have to keep you around.” I offer a wink.
“I’ll take it. Now stop slacking and go pack. I’ll go online and find our destination, then I will pack myself. We can be out of here in an hour if we really slam it.”
“Awesome. I’m on it.”
I text Mia.
Heather is taking us on a weekend vacation. Pack some things and get a sitter for the weekend. She wants Cayden to go too.
Um, have you lost your marbles? The bracelet incident….
Long story. It was Lana, she planted it. Xplain later.
Jesus, you are going to drive me into an early grave, Sydney.
Free vaca with no kids. Why are you whining?
Hmm…true.
Call Cayden and make sure he can come. Pick u up in just over an hour.
Wait, where are we going?
I don’t know. Heather is surprising us.
Okay…….Lets hope she isn’t taking us to the desert for some homicidal fun.
Don’t be a tard. Get ready. See u in a bit.
I dabble with the idea of letting Nick know what’s going on, but quickly decide against it. I can’t pull away from him just to keep stringing him along. I need him to let go of me as much as I need to let go of him. I hope this weekend will be a good start in accomplishing that goal, de-Nicking myself.
“Later, Nick,” I call behind me as I grab my few items and close the door behind me, hoping to begin a new chapter in my life.
***
The car ride is awkward at first. Heather and Cayden sit in the front seat while Mia and I whisper in the back. I give her the note Lana gave me. Her eyes bug as she realizes that Heather has been a victim in this too. She mouths the words poor Heather. I nod in agreement, still feeling awful for my behavior. We quietly discuss mine and Heather’s conversation from last night as we begin ascending.
“Heather, did my ears just pop? Where are we going?” I ask.
“We are headed up a mountain, to our cabin for the weekend. It has a hot tub, a pool table, darts...all kinds of goodies,” she responds excitedly.
“Yay! I’ve never been to a cabin before,” Mia chirps. “Thanks for inviting us, Heather. It was really thoughtful.”
Heather looks cautiously at me in the mirror, silently wondering if she and Mia are okay again. I nod yes, and she seems to relax. Unlike Cayden in the front seat, who is still stifling. Mia will fill him in when we get there, and hopefully we can resolve this animosity.
As we pull into the gravel parking area I instantly fall in love with the cabin. Its chocolate brown, rather than the reddish wood of many cabins I’ve seen, and has a beautiful green tin roof. I imagine it would be perfect and relaxing for a rainy evening in the woods. The hot tub is on the front porch, which wraps around the entire cabin, along with four rocking chairs, a gas grill, and an outdoor fireplace. Being that it’s November, we should be able to enjoy it all thoroughly. I’m truly excited, and already feeling a hundred times more relaxed than when I left the apartment—left Nick.
We spend the afternoon unpacking and getting settled in. Mia and Cayden go for a walk shortly after our arrival. He comes back with a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree turned attitude, thanking Heather for being thoughtful enough to treat us to this wonderful surprise. She blushes a little more, naturally. I don’t think she’s
used to compliments or attention. She seems to be sopping it up, and I’m glad too, she should feel good about herself. She is the most giving person I’ve ever known. I can’t believe I thought anything otherwise. I won’t be that daft again, of this I’m certain.
Mia and I go to the local grocery store, filling our womanly duties, leaving the dirty work to the man and the boi. Boi is the code word for butches like Heather. I think it’s funny, and she doesn’t seem to mind, so it works. They can start the grill and get the fire going while we’re gone.
***
This grocery is nothing like our local stores. It’s tiny and old school. I adore it. Through the small opened window in, I see an old man at a register in a red and white plaid shirt. He is still living in the moment of suspenders and cash only. A little old lady, his wife I presume, is walking around checking inventory using a clipboard, not a barcode scanner. A steaming pot of boiling peanuts is out front, leaving a delicious salty smell in the chilly air. Two picnic tables rest on a small grassy patch alongside the small store. A young couple and a blonde haired little boy no more than two feet tall sit, shucking their peanuts and sipping RC Cola. I become envious, wishing that could have been Nick and I with our sweet Little Monster. I know it was never an option for us. Still, it hurts just the same. Before I know it I’m crying again. Mia watches without speaking, waiting for me to take the wheel on the conversation, which I do. I can’t bear this burden alone anymore.
“He broke up with me, Mia—the day Lana took me.”
“Really?” she says casually.
Strangely, Mia doesn’t seem a bit shocked. Something’s off, that’s for sure.
“He said horrible things. He said he used me. He said he never loved me, that Lana was the one he loved. He mocked our—spot, where we first made magic.”
“Made what?” Her head snaps towards me.
“Made magic. I don’t like the words make love, they are—I dunno—cheesy or something.”
“Ugh, Sydney your weirdness baffles me sometimes. In any event, he was lying, it’s obvious. That boy’s crazy about you. He was going nuts when you were in the hospital. Cayden and I talked to him, remember? He was completely beside himself. He had no idea what you had been through.”
“Mia, he said awful things to me. He hurt me—bad.”
“He was probably trying to keep you safe from that nut job who imprisoned you in that room. She was jealous. Cayden said she was the same girl who had approached him months ago digging around about Nick. Cayden said she was infatuated with Nick. Makes sense, Syd. He loves you. I know this. I can feel it. And you love him too. You two have to move on and heal from this.”
“He said that. Last night he was waiting for me when I went to sleep. He said he had to do it, that she was gonna hurt me. Fearing her, loving him—the whole damn thing makes me nauseous. I don’t ever want to see him again. Lana told me they—had sex. I can’t even think about it.”
“He never slept with that nasty whore. Ask him yourself,” Mia challenges.
“Well, I’ll never know because I don’t ever want to see him again.” I cross my arms childishly.
“Don’t get mad at me…” she says sheepishly.
“About what?” I ask curiously.
“I talked to him—outside of the Ouija board. He was so worried.”
“You did what?” I begin to get angry.
“He was so distraught when he found out what Lana did that he asked me to try to meditate, keep in touch while you were in the hospital. It took a minute, but I found him. Thank god for all that yoga Daddy made us do over the years.”
“You’ve been keeping tabs on me for someone who crushed me into a million pieces? How could you?” Tears fill my eyes.
“He told me the awful things he said. He also told me things you don’t know. Lana and he never did anything. They never had sex, never kissed—nothing. If that’s what you think, then you’re way off. Nick kept Lana calm. He kept her from hurting you, which was a daily chore. He spent the last few weeks standing as a guard for you. It was strange; when I was meditating, I could actually hear his thoughts. I’m telling you the truth, Syd, he was dying inside the whole time you were gone. All he could think about was the awful things he was forced to say to you. It killed him to do it. I saw it myself, I felt it.”
“Even if I believed that, I can never have him, Mia. Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to walk away from the man I love? You don’t understand the lengths I would go to in order to have him—forever. I would do things that would hurt other people. If I don’t walk away now, I’ll never be able to walk away from him again. I would die for him. Can you imagine what it would do to the boys if that happened?”
Mia looks horrified by my words, yet holds the same understanding gaze I always see from her when I really need her.
“We have to figure another way out, Syd, one where you can both be happy. There is another person to consider here—Little Monster. He is the father of that baby. You can’t keep him in the dark. This situation is insane enough without the added drama of keeping a secret like that. He’s dead, Sydney, he’s lost everything. Don’t deny him that huge bit of joy that he will experience before crossing over. It’s wrong, especially when I know he loves you, and he will love that baby too. After everything Lana did to you, don’t let her win this one. This is what she wanted. Do not give it to her. Take what’s yours. Get your man back. He’s waiting for you; he said he’ll wait forever.”
“I can’t.”
“Why don’t you take some time to talk to him when we get back to the cabin? I’ll keep Cayden and Heather busy cooking until you’re done.”
I don’t know what to think. What if he is using me, tricking me? I couldn’t handle losing him again. I do love him still, more than I need air. In the end I will lose him, someday. How can I deal with that again? Mia knows about loss. I’m sure she would do anything to be able to talk to Daniel like I talk to Nick, even if it was just for one day. I think that’s what makes my decision for me. I might not ever get the chance I have right now again. I have to at least let him explain. I was so harsh last night. I pray that he’s okay. I should never have left him like that. It was heartless and cruel.
“I’ll talk to him. I’m not promising that we’re going to get back together, but I’ll hear him out.”
“Good, I’m glad you are listening to reason.” She smiles. “Now, let’s get ribs for tonight. You can make your famous grilled corn, and I will put the guys in charge of the ribs. I’ll make potato salad and banana pudding.”
“It all sounds good…until I smell it. How long does this sickness last?”
“Forever.” She giggles. “Nah, a couple of months and you should be fine. It’s just a change in your hormone levels. You’re growing a human being from a single cell. Look how much work it is to grow something as simple as a flower, imagine what your body is going through right now. Just go with the flow. We’ll get some ginger for you to suck on while we’re here.”
“I don’t like ginger, it tastes like unicorn ass.”
“Stop whining. It’s not the grossest thing you’ll have to deal with in pregnancy, not even close.” She rolls her eyes. “This is going to be one long pregnancy.”
“Fantastic,” I sigh.
Upon our return we find the grill is blazing alongside the fire they built in the pit. The hot tub is bubbling and steaming on the porch. The smell of chlorine and burning charcoal seem to enlighten my senses, automatically pushing me into a wonderful mood as memories of Daddy in the summer time drift into my head. I miss those days, Mia and I in the pool while Daddy grills burgers and hot dogs. We would swim until the sun went down every day of the summer. Daddy would pick apples from the tree beside the pool, plucking them into the water with a splash to freak us out in the dark. I miss those days. This is going to be a great weekend, hopefully a chance to make new memories that I can cherish for years to come.
Mia orders me upstairs to the loft area of the cabin
to make my mental phone call to Nick before I can change my mind. She keeps Cayden and Heather busy by putting them to work on the ribs. They do as they’re told and begin fussing over who the better cook is. Heather says she boils her ribs first, then finishes them on the grill, while Cayden says real men cook them start to finish on the grill. Dudes can be so flipping competitive. It makes me chuckle. I’m happy that everyone is finding their place in my perfect little family. I just wish he could be here, really be here to eat boiled peanuts with me and Little Monster and fuss with the guys over who makes better ribs.
I tuck my sadness away in order to relax my mind for a moment to drift into meditation. Although it’s been a while, it’s just like riding a bike. I’m fully in within seconds.
He’s already here waiting. He lies on my bed, staring at the ceiling when I encounter him. He lunges up, speaking faster than a freight train, trying to capture my attention before I walk away again.
“Syd, talk to me please. You feel far away, where are you? Are you safe? I have to tell you something, its big news.”
“I’m safe, Nick. What is it?”
“Thank god you’re safe. Listen, I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, and I understand why, but the last couple of times I’ve talked to you I could hear something else, someone else speaking.”
“What do you mean? Is someone else there with you?”
A sudden fear surfaces, what if it’s Lana? She’s dead now, what if she’s found her way to him?
“No, I don’t think so. I haven’t seen anyone else here. Its only when you’re around. It’s weird. I can’t really make out what it’s saying, but I definitely hear…something.”
“Heather was in my room last night. She was kinda out of it. Maybe it was her you heard, maybe her thoughts?” I ask curiously.
“I guess Heather being in your room is none of my business anymore, is it?” he asks, sadly.
“No, it’s not your business. I am intrigued though. Was it a man or woman’s voice?”
“Why was she in your room, Sydney?”
“Nick, I don’t owe you any explanations regarding Heather. I came here to talk about US, but all you care about is the fact that Heather is still around.”
Dreamers (The Dreamers Series) Page 17