Seeing wonderful images of father and son playing ball together. Putting up a Christmas tree, helping with homework. Seeing the Ozzie and Harriet family she always dreamed of. He not only wanted her to do this, he was forcing her to do this. Every night, he felt her body respond under his large hands as they gently and erotically massaged her legs, thighs, and back. He played her beautiful body like a concert harpist, caressing the strings with every movement.
There was an explicit power in his hands as they asked questions of her body. Every movement he made was a proviso of revered order. He took advantage of her situation and now, he questioned, was it the right thing to do?
She had fallen in love with her nurse. Could she, would she ever forgive him for that? During his sessions with Dr. Correo, he had finally been able to drag his childhood memories into the open and face them. Especially the memories of the last night.
My father terrorized me, Dr. Correo. But the last night I saw him, he tried to kill me. He waved a gun in the air and yelled, “Come on kid. Hit me, hit me.” I hit him like a linebacker hits his opponent. I heard the shot and was stunned. It grazed my arm. I struggled with Him for possession. When I got the gun, he laughed at me. “You'll never use it,” he said. “You don't have the guts.” I fired that gun. I couldn't believe it. I still can hear the roar and smell the gun powder. I didn't hit him, but I could have. I could have murdered my own father.
Dr. Correo's help and confidence gave him the courage to aggressively pursue Andrea. He waited for her to remember something of her past. But she seemed content without a past. It was as though she'd never had one and didn't want one. He was relieved she didn't want him to touch her anymore. But how was he going to stop?
He rubbed his hands together to get them warm. He'd run a long way and the night was getting colder. He trotted back to the Inn, tired, cold and breathless. Before he went back to his room, he stopped by Andrea's.
Kurt quietly entered the room and stood silently over her. Andrea had thrown the covers off. She still had on her lounging pajamas. He smiled and he gently laid the comforter over her. She stirred a moment and whispered, "Kurt."
He jumped back wondering if he'd awakened her. She stirred again, "Kurt, I love you." He smiled realizing she was dreaming. He kissed her gently on the lips, and in her sleep, she responded. He forced himself to step back. "Oh, God, what am I doing?" He slipped silently from the room.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
“Andrea, are you ready yet? We have to go or we'll be late for the appointment with Dr. Mendoza," Grayson called, from outside her suite.
"Come on in, Grayson. I'll be one more minute. I just want to catch this last part of the mesa."
Grayson smiled as she watched Andrea put the finishing touches to her painting. She was pleased with Andrea's recuperation. Kurt had shown restraint and been extremely patient. He'd wanted to start talking to Andrea about the past, but she and Dr. Reynolds thought that under the circumstances they should let it come naturally.
Days turned into weeks and Andrea still had no memory of her past. Today was the day she would start therapy with Dr. Mendoza, Grayson's colleague.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
The psychiatrist's office was in a part of town which recently had been restored. The waiting area, done in mahogany, heavy plaids, and leather, gave a northeast feeling to the room. Two Picassos hung on the wall over the rich chocolate leather sofa, and two large winged back chairs sat at either end of an enormous stone fireplace.
Andrea studied the paintings with a practiced eye and wondered if other patients saw these paintings as exquisite creations or the work of children trying to connect lines. She smiled and thought, such is art.
"Lovely, aren't they?" the middle aged receptionist said.
Andrea nodded her head in agreement. "The doctor has a great eye for art," she said as she carefully hobbled around the office, admiring sculpture and ceramic pieces.
She finally sat on the sofa and picked up the other details of this opulent but warm room. A tall crystal vase of white calla lilies sat on a detailed carved sideboard next to a doorway, which she presumed was the doctor's office. The graceful lilies leaned toward the door, as an invitation to peace and tranquility.
Vivaldi's ‘Four Seasons’ filled the room, and she rested her head on the back of the sofa and closed her eyes, enjoying the seduction which the office offered.
Dr. Mendoza stared at Andrea from his office doorway. He smiled when he saw her eyes open. He walked over to her, reaching out to help her off the sofa. "Are you ready to find your yesterdays, Mrs. Purcell?"
The rich timbre of his voice gave her the confidence she needed. She couldn't do this alone. She wasn't strong enough. And she really wasn't sure she even wanted to do this. He led her to a chair in his office. She was pleased when he sat across from her instead of behind his desk. He took her cane and leaned it against the desk. "Do you need a footstool for your leg?"
"No, that won't be necessary." She straightened up in the chair and looked directly into his eyes. "Why can't I remember anything?"
"That's what we're going to find out. Most of the time, in cases like yours, it's because of a traumatic experience prior to the initial accident."
Andrea nodded in acknowledgement. "So, you're saying I'm purposely bringing on this memory loss?"
"Unconsciously, yes."
"That's impossible. I know my husband left me when I told him I was pregnant. Grayson told me that. If that's the case, why don't I feel terrible about it? I know I had a happy childhood.
Grayson also said I had wonderful parents and a future as an acclaimed artist.
"The love my husband and I had for each other had to be real or I wouldn't be pregnant. I don't know why he left me. Only he can answer that."
"These are the questions you must ask yourself. Do you want to find your husband?" Do you really want to know your past? Will it be too hurtful for you to endure?
She shrugged. "Sometimes I wish he was taking care of me. But I'm not sure.” Andrea placed her hand over her heart. “No matter how bruised this is,” she patted her chest “it's still beating. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise."
"How do you figure that?"
"Well," she looked at him. "Have you ever ridden a horse, Doctor?"
He nodded his head.
"Then you'll understand. It's like jumping on the back of a horse, fantasizing as you race through the fields that it will take you to the ends of the earth. You know Doctor, this is how I feel about my amnesia. I'm racing ahead to make my tomorrows.”
"Well, what about your yesterdays?"
"I've decided yesterday's sorrow can be tomorrow's joy."
"Then you don't want to discover your past?"
"Yes . . ., I do, but . . . I'm happy now. I haven't told anyone this, but I've fallen in love with my nurse. Do you know Kurt?"
"Yes, I met him briefly. Don't you think you're just mesmerized by him? By his attentiveness, his caring?"
"No, it's more than that. He's not just my caretaker. And I feel I'm more to him than just a patient. He understands me and I sense, no, I know he's fallen in love with me."
"Aren't you taking too much for granted?"
"No, I don't think so. Whenever we're together, which is most of the time, he can't take his eyes off of me. I can see the hunger in his eyes and I know he can see it in mine. He's trying to keep a professional relationship between us, but he's finding it difficult."
"That's something the two of you will have to work out when you regain your memory. But for now, you must make every effort to get better. Have you had any flashbacks at all? Do you remember anything? Andrea, no matter how trivial it may seem to you, I need to know."
"I have this recurring dream. I see myself in a room, a bedroom, a hotel room, I really don't know. I hear noises from an adjoining room. When I enter the other room, there's a man standing with his back toward me. Just as he starts to turn around, I wake up."
"It seems to me if we c
an take you back to that room you may remember. Would you agree to hypnosis?"
"I don't know." Andrea reached for her cane. She tapped it soundlessly on the Oriental rug. "Why do I have to go back? Is it so important that I know my past?"
"Listen to yourself. Don't you want your child to have a heritage? Don't you want him to know his father?”
"To know a father who walked out on him. Do you call that a good birthright? How do you think he'll feel, when he's old enough to understand his father left because of him?"
"Please, be reasonable. You can't go on for the rest of your life not knowing the past."
Andrea thought about what he said. For a moment, they stared silently at each other. A great melancholy seemed lodged in her heart. Despair ignited within her. as it does with the powerless.
"Why can't I? Is it so wrong never to go back?" She held up her hand to stop his reply. “No, I need to give this considerable thought," she said coldly. Andrea got painfully to her feet and limped from his office.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
Grayson was waiting for her outside the doctor's office. "So, how did it go?"
Andrea looked at Grayson and shook her head. "Not now," she said, as tears flooded her eyes.
The drive back to Wyndemere was exhausting for both of them. Snow fell and made the roads and the trees look as if they had been dusted with confectionery sugar. It was a spectacular drive back, but neither of them saw the beauty.
By the time they reached home, Grayson could see the softening in Andrea's eyes as she withdrew from the hurt she must have experienced in the doctor's office. She helped Andrea to her room and tried to make her comfortable.
"Do you mind, Grayson? I need to be alone."
"No, of course not, dear. If you need anything, I'll be at home.”
Andrea smiled. "Thank you," she said and kissed Grayson's cheek.
Grayson closed the door and leaned against it. "The poor child," she said in a whisper.
“How is this ever going to end?" On the way back to her quarters, Grayson peeked into the dining room and saw Kurt reading the newspaper. "Kurt, I'm glad I've finally gotten you alone. How are things going with your sessions?"
"They're going great. You know, Grayson, if I had trusted my other therapists, possibly all this could have been avoided. I realize I've over-reacted to my childhood problems. The doctor insists my thinking is way off base. I let my childhood nightmares become my adult monstrosities. Now, I know I'd do anything to protect Andrea and our child."
"Then you must start filling Andrea in on your life together. You must help her remember. Dr. Mendoza is worried about her. He feels she's going deeper and deeper, and if someone or something doesn't jar her soon, she may never come back to us."
"I can't tell her yet, not yet," he said, running his fingers through his hair.
"Why? Why can't you tell her? Are you afraid of what she'll do?"
"Yes. Damn it, Grayson. Yes, I'm afraid. I said terrible things to her, the night I walked out on her. I'm to blame for the accident, and I'll never forgive myself for that."
Grayson walked over and put her arm around his shoulder. "Give yourself a break. Can't you see she's in love with you?"
"Yes, I know she's in love with me. Kurt, the nurse, not Kurt, her husband."
"Be kind to yourself and tell her."
"I will."
"Promise?"
He nodded his head in agreement, walked over to the bar, and poured himself a scotch. He turned to Grayson, "Want one?"
"Yes. Thanks. I think we both need this." She raised her glass to his and said, "To your happy tomorrows."
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
Kurt quietly opened Andrea's bedroom door. He stood over her, watching her sleep. She turned, taking the pillow with her and hugging it to her chest. What could she be dreaming, he thought? Dr. Reynolds had taken the cast off a week ago and she was moving remarkably well. She may have lost her memory, but her determination is the same. He was about to leave when she suddenly called to him.
"Kurt, did you come to give me a back massage? I haven't had one in such a long time."
"Good morning. I thought you planned to sleep the rest of the day. Come on, get up," he said, as he drew the drapes open to a day of sunshine.
"But I want a back massage."
"No. I think you've been pampered enough. It's time for you to get a move on." He pulled the comforter from her body and took in a deep breath. "Damn it, Andrea, why didn't you tell me you were naked under there?"
"You didn't ask," she teased.
She looked into his eyes and saw the naked hunger escaping. She studied him silently and his cool blue eyes studied her back. He quickly averted his eyes from her nakedness and walked across the room. "Get dressed," he commanded, "and wear something warm." He threw a chenille robe at her and slammed the door behind him.
She smiled and jumped out of the bed quicker than she should have. "Ouch," she said.
"Are you okay in there?" he yelled from the other side of the door.
"If you were any kind of a nurse, you'd help me bathe and dress," she said and giggled.
"Andrea, be serious. Get dressed and meet me in the dining room for breakfast."
CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
She limped slightly as she walked over to the table. Kurt stood and pulled out a chair for her.
"Are you angry with me?" she asked mischievously.
"No, but you must stop baiting me." The power of his gaze stunned her.
"Well . . . .”
"Don't." He held up his hand. "Damn it, let me say this. Every time I try to talk to you about something in your past you get glib. Aren't you interested in your life before the accident?
Right after the accident you wanted to know everything. Now, you act as if your previous life has no meaning. Do you enjoy not having a past? What's with you?" His words were sudden and raw and extremely angry.
Confused and furious, she jumped up from the chair and turned on him with an abrupt show of defensive spirit. "How dare you talk to me like that? You're only my nurse. I'll report you to Dr. Reynolds."
"Sit down and stop acting like a child," he said, grabbing her hand and pressing it tightly. "Sit down."
She sat back down and the waiter approached the table to pour her a cup of decaf. She turned to him. "I prefer regular coffee, please."
Kurt pointed his finger towards her cup. "Pour it, Eric."
"I don't like decaf," she said defiantly.
"You've been drinking it since you had the accident."
She looked at Eric and he nodded and smiled. "I have? Then I guess it's not all that bad," she said. She looked sheepishly at Kurt, and he looked directly at her and they both laughed.
Kurt glanced at his watch. "Finish your breakfast. I plan to take you to Santa Fe for the day."
"Sante Fe." She leaned over the table and kissed him. "I'd love that."
"Andrea, don't you ever let up?" He got up from the table and stood over her "So are you ready? We need to let Grayson know we'll be gone for the day."
"Didn't you get enough sleep last night? You're such a grump," she teased, as she finished her breakfast.
"I'm sorry, but it's after ten and I want to get on the road."
Grayson watched as they walked to her house. Andrea held onto Kurt's arm so as not to fall, and one could see how the two of them fit like a hand in a glove.
"Hi, what's going on?"
"Kurt's going to take me to Sante Fe for the day. We just stopped by to let you know."
"Will you be back for dinner?"
Andrea looked at Kurt for an answer. "If Andrea's a good girl, I'll take her out to dinner."
"Watch out for the weather," Grayson, said. "It can turn nasty in a matter of hours."
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
For the first fifteen minutes they drove in silence. Every once in a while Andrea focused on Kurt. Something nagged at her and she didn't know what or why. It was as though something inside her, her
memory, or lack of, required the reality of a proven betrayal.
Andrea understood the only alternative was to confront her amnesia even though it seemed unbearable. Would she lose Kurt if she remembered her past? Would she want her husband to be a part of her child's life or would she want Kurt to be her child's father?
She didn't even know her husband's name. She had never asked, and no one offered to tell her. A peaceful calm came over her as she looked at Kurt. At this very moment, she decided she should go back.
"Andrea. Is something wrong?"
"What? What did you say?"
"You looked as if you were in a trance. Are you feeling okay?"
"Oh, I'm fine. I've made a big decision. I'm going to tell Dr. Mendoza I'm ready for hypnosis.”
Kurt gave her a quick look. "Are you really?" he asked.
She took his hand. "I think it's time, don't you? Its really not fair to my baby to never know his Dad, and I need to know for myself why he left me. It couldn't be just because I'm pregnant? And if he did leave me because of the baby, there had to be a logical reason." She looked at Kurt, hoping he'd say something about how he felt for her.
"Why don't we just enjoy the day, and tomorrow you can call Dr. Mendoza for an appointment."
"Kurt, I need to know if you feel the same way about me as I feel about you. You've giving me every indication you want me, but you've never made any advances toward me. Why?"
"Why? First of all, you're a married woman. Second, I'm your nurse."
"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to find my past even if it means going back to my husband?"
"I think you need to talk to Dr. Mendoza first before you can decide. You don't know how you're going to feel once you find your past. You may be totally forgiving of your husband."
"Yes, I may forgive him, but will I love him?"
Kurt shook his head. "There's a life out there for you and only you can give it direction."
Of Body And Soul Page 18