Jason shrugged. “They let me go in to see her. I’ll just tell them you’re family.”
When we finally did make it in to Emily’s room, I was shaken by how still Emily was. Lying there in her hospital bed, it was hard to believe this was the same little girl who raced to greet me when I came to tutor Jason—the little girl who loved playing the piano, drawing pictures, and chattering. And who loved her brother so much and knew how much he loved her. No. This girl who lay so still and unmoving wasn’t Emily—not the Emily I had grown to love.
Jason moved to the chair at the side of the bed to take Emily’s hand. I watched him for a moment and then determinedly took from my bag something for Emily and placed it on the table near the head of her bed.
“What’s that?”
I moved back so Jason could see the tiny tree I’d brought from home. “A Christmas tree, of course. She’ll want to see this when she wakes up, since it’s so close to Christmas now.”
Jason’s voice was low. “I hope she does get to see it.”
I frowned and dragged a chair over from the foot of Emily’s bed to sit by Jason. “Hope? You don’t have to just ‘hope.’ She’s got more on her side than that.”
Jason sighed and turned his sad, purple-ringed eyes to me. “I know. I mean, I know the doctors are doing everything they can, but it’s been quite a few days since the accident—”
I frowned and shook my head. “I don’t mean medicine. You guys just need to give her one of those fancy, amazing blessings. Like the one you got when you were in the hospital.”
Jason ran his hand through his hair. “We did give her a blessing. The second we could, actually.”
“Well, then, everything’s going to be okay.”
Jason shook his head. “You don’t know that.”
I shook my head back, amazed at what I was hearing. From Jason, of all people! “What I do know is that everything’s going to work out. I have faith. You just need to have faith, too. You can’t have miracles without faith first—”
I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing despair in Jason’s face. I knew it was scaring me, because I was babbling now. My heart pounded as I snatched my book bag from off the floor and grabbed Brett’s Book of Mormon I’d brought along. I’d meant to make a big production out of amazing Jason with the fact that I was reading his scripture book, but he was frustrating me with his lack of faith, and so in desperation, I started flipping madly through its pages.
“Hold on—I know it’s in here somewhere. Brett marked it in red.” I continued flipping without looking at Jason before I finally found the passage I wanted in the book of Ether. “Here we go. Ether 12:6: ‘Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.’ See? You have to have faith, but it’s going to be tried hard before any miracle happens. But you have to have the faith first.” I looked up triumphantly and was surprised to see Jason looking at me as if I had two heads. “What?” I demanded.
“I just can’t believe what I’m seeing and hearing. That’s all.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you. You’ve been reading—actually reading the Book of Mormon!” Jason shook his head in true wonderment. “I do believe I’m witnessing a miracle.”
I closed the Book of Mormon on my lap and traced the gold letters on its blue cover with my finger. “It’s Brett’s book. I—I got it from one of his friends.” Jason’s eyes grew larger when I hesitantly looked up. “I—I found Kelly Baxter and went to see him the other day, and he gave it to me.” I could feel tears forming in my eyes and threatening to close my throat. “He kept it for me. And Brett marked it up everywhere—how could I not read it when it meant so much to him?” I stopped and took a deep breath, not wanting to cry in front of Jason.
Jason carefully took the Book of Mormon out of my hands and slowly thumbed through its pages. “Wow. I don’t know what else to say. This is pretty incredible.”
I nodded and watched Jason reverently run his finger down passages Brett had marked before he looked at me with true tenderness in his eyes and squeezed my hand. “I’m so happy you’re reading it. Really reading it.”
I took a deep breath and looked in Jason’s eyes with all the determination I had. “All I know for sure is that if a massive miracle like me not only finding this book but reading it, too, could happen, then anything can happen. Especially something like Emily getting better!” Jason tried to smile, but I could tell he wasn’t convinced. “Besides—lots of faith and a blessing worked for you, so it has to work for Emily, too, right?”
Jason sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. “Well—it’s definitely important to have faith, but blessings don’t exactly work that way.”
“But they are dependent on faith, aren’t they? Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to tell me for months now? That you need to have faith?”
“Yes, faith is a huge part of blessings—”
“Then that’s all you need to do—have faith that her blessing is going to do the trick!”
“If that’s what God has in mind for her.”
I frowned. “‘In mind for her?’ What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, the whole ‘not my will, but thine be done.’” He handed me Brett’s Book of Mormon before continuing. “Faith is important, but putting it in God’s hands and asking that His will be done, not mine, is important, too. Having faith in Him is more important than having faith in anything else. If it’s God’s will, then she’ll pull through, but if her time on earth was always meant to be short, then she won’t be here much longer.”
I nodded, trying to digest what Jason had said before I carefully put Brett’s Book of Mormon back in my book bag, walked to the other side of Emily’s bed, and gently took her hand in both of mine. I turned and looked at Jason. “If it’s all the same to you, I’m still going to have faith that she’s going to be okay.” Jason looked down and slowly nodded before taking Emily’s other hand while I whispered softly near Emily’s ear. My voice trembled as I told her how much I appreciated everything she’d done to help me learn about the Book of Mormon, and that I was reading it now. And that I missed hearing her play the piano. “You need to get better so you can play for me again.” I squeezed her hand and stared at her unmoving face until tears blurred her small, perfect features.
“Kathy.” I looked up to see tears in Jason’s eyes, too. “I just wanted you to know that it means a lot to me that you came.”
I carefully released Emily’s hand before stepping around her hospital bed to put my arms around Jason’s neck while he pulled me tightly to him and knew that for now, there was no need for words.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
It was a nice change for me—doing nice things for others. And I was discovering I actually enjoyed doing them. It brought a whole new dimension to the Christmas spirit for me, yet at the same time, it was strange to have others like Emily and Jason—even Jason’s entire family—even Brett and Kelly—on my mind instead of just myself all the time. I found my way over to Jason’s home more often instead of calling on the phone. Mostly because I wanted to be there to help in any way possible, even if it was just to set the table with food the Relief Society sisters continued to bring. I also took turns with Tracy and Melinda delivering washed pots, casserole dishes, and plastic food containers back to all kinds of people in the neighborhood. It was incredible not only to see so many people wanting to rally around Jason’s family and help but to be a part of it myself, too. Jason told me more than once how much I amazed him.
“What’s so amazing about fixing a sandwich?” I’d been in the kitchen helping Melinda fix sandwiches while Jason couldn’t seem to stop staring at me. He’d been doing a lot of that lately, and I knew it wasn’t due to the clothes I was wearing, or how I’d fixed my hair.
“It’s not the sandwich, and you know it. It’s you.”
“Me?”
Jason smil
ed. “You’re changing.”
I blushed and laughed. “For the better, I hope!”
Although Jason seemed to find my newfound ability to look beyond myself amazing, what he and his entire family were completely oblivious to was the fact that they were the ones who were truly amazing. Although there was still no change in Emily, instead of falling into their own separate pools of depression, Jason’s whole family was truly there for each other. In fact, they all seemed to grow closer as a result of Emily’s accident. And even more incredible to me was the family’s forgiveness towards the boy who had hurt Emily. No harsh words or angry outbursts against him had happened. There was no tense, electric charge in their home. The only words that fit the atmosphere of their home was a comforting peace that seemed to blanket every inch of the place, which only served to heighten my belief that Emily was going to be fine.
Shortly before Christmas Eve, one evening I drove over to Jason’s to get him out of the house for a walk around the neighborhood. More snow had fallen over the last couple of days, and with colored lights strung up everywhere sparkling against the snow, the effect was dazzling. Jason and I held hands, walking slowly together before Jason broke the silence.
“You know something, Kathy? I’m starting to figure out that it’s easy to have all the faith and belief in the world when everything’s going great, but it’s when really bad things happen that you find out what you really believe, and how strong your faith is.”
I stopped and faced Jason and took hold of his other hand in my free hand and looked up into his eyes determinedly. “So that’s what you’ve got to do now, Jason. Just hold onto your faith. It’s going to be okay. Everything is. You know that, don’t you? You have to know that!” Jason silently nodded. “I’ve thought your parents—your family—being so strong and positive was so incredible. I still do. I couldn’t believe your family could truly forgive that boy who hurt Emily—but I know why now. Your family can forgive, because you believe your family can last forever, don’t you? I mean, no matter what happens, Emily will always be your sister, and she’ll always be your parents’ daughter. And you will be with her again. That’s what pulls you through. That’s what’s going to get you through now. You just have to have faith, Jason!”
Jason had tears on his cheeks, but I didn’t realize I was crying, too, until Jason pulled off his gloves to reach out and wipe my face with his hands before pulling me close to him.
I’d spent most of the day before I went to Jason’s house reading more of the Book of Mormon, and as a result of that and talking with Jason, there was only one thing on my mind that I knew I had to do. Something I didn’t want to put off for even one second longer once I’d driven back home that night from Jason’s home.
Mom and Dad were both sitting on the couch watching television. Without even stopping to take off my coat, I walked up to both of them and stood in front of the TV.
“Mom—Dad—I want to see the missionaries. The Mormon church missionaries. I have to talk to them. I don’t expect you to understand—I just need to know that it’s okay to invite them over. Is it okay?” It all came out in a blurted rush, but at least it was finally out there and in the open. Just that much was a huge relief.
My parents looked at each other, stunned by my announcement, before turning back to face me again. I watched Mom shake her head and clutch the gold locket around her throat while Dad stated firmly, “I’m sorry, Kathy, but our answer has to be no.”
~
Their answer didn’t change over the next two days leading up to Christmas Eve. I asked, and begged, and pleaded—I got angry and yelled—even cried—but their response remained the same: “No, Kathy. We don’t want them coming here. I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to accept that.” The problem was, I couldn’t accept that. And wouldn’t.
Christmas Eve arrived a day later, and there was still no change in Emily. And yet, somehow I still knew she was going to be okay. My faith hadn’t been shaken at all. Hadn’t even trembled yet.
I drove over to Jason’s late Christmas Eve morning to give him his Christmas present. “Before you open it, you should know that I’m not big on gift giving. I mean, I don’t believe in giving people something they can easily go buy for themselves. Things as gifts are only good if they remind you of an especially good time. Or if the thing in question reminds you of an incredible person in your life—the person you’re giving the gift to. And sometimes, it can represent both . . .”
My babbled speech was inspired by the horrible thought that what I’d spent a good amount of time and love creating for Jason might be viewed by him as stupid. Jason’s look of confusion only grew as I babbled on and on before sighing and telling him to just open the box, which he did while I held my breath. Only when I saw his mouth turn into one of his truly beatific smiles did I finally relax and smile myself. “Do you like it?”
“Like it? I don’t just like it, Kathy—I love it!” Jason reached for me and kissed me and hugged me, and kissed me again, before turning to look marvelingly at my Christmas gift to him. Dad had been right. The Christmas dance pictures he’d taken had turned out much better than the one taken at the dance. I’d liked the one taken outside with me sitting on Jason’s knee with his braced leg stretched out in front of him the best, so I’d bought a frame that was purposely too large for it, and surrounded the enlarged photo with the small black and white squares of pictures of us from the fast food restaurant’s photo booth the night of the dance.
Jason continued to marvel over each picture in turn before finally holding a red and green package out to me. “Okay—now—here’s yours.”
He handed me a small, flat, square object. I ripped off the paper—and gasped.
Jason smiled. “I just thought you’d like listening to it in CD form for a change.”
I stared at the CD with one hand over my mouth. It was Brett’s Rubber Soul album. It had all the songs—all of them. “Jason—this is the U.S. release!”
“That’s what you’ve wanted, isn’t it?”
“Yes! I’ve never been able to find anything but the U.K. release in stores. That’s why I’ve never bought a copy before.” I looked up at Jason’s smiling face wonderingly. “Where did you find it?”
Jason shrugged. “Actually, I didn’t. I couldn’t find anything but the U.K. version either in stores or on the Internet, but the U.K. Help! album has the missing songs from the U.S. Rubber Soul, so I bought that CD, too, and burned songs from both albums to make this Rubber Soul version for you.”
I shook my head and stared at the CD again. He could’ve just given me the two Beatles CDs he’d bought. I shook my head again. All of that effort. For me. With everything that was going on with Emily. He’d even gone through the trouble of copying the Rubber Soul CD slip cover, as well as creating the song listing for the backside of the CD to match Brett’s album.
Jason motioned for me to dig into the box again, but I couldn’t stop looking at the CD in my hands, so Jason reached inside for the remaining two CDs in the box instead. “I thought you might like to have these two Beatles CDs, too. The Help! album has a lot of good songs on it, and the extra songs on Rubber Soul aren’t bad, either—you’re not crying again, are you, Kathy?”
“Yeah, well, it seems like that’s all I ever do anymore.” I reached up and hugged Jason and thanked him. Over and over. When he finally released me, I looked up at him hesitantly, almost shyly. “I actually have one more present for you. Sort of.”
Jason raised an eyebrow but didn’t move his arms from around my waist. “A ‘sort of’ present? Is it legal?”
I laughed. “I think it is. Even if my parents don’t seem to think so.”
“What is it?”
“It’s not really an ‘it.’ I mean, it’s more of an announcement, I guess.” I took a deep breath. “I asked my parents if I could see the missionaries.” I didn’t know how I thought Jason would react, but after staring in disbelief with bulging eyes, he let out a whoop and snatched
me off my feet in a huge bear hug. I gasped and then laughed. “Careful—don’t forget your knee! You’ve still got your brace on!”
Jason couldn’t speak coherently for the next minute or so, even after he finally let my feet touch the floor again and released me from his bear hug. He was too busy doing the kind of thing I would’ve thought he’d only do on the football field after touchdowns.
“I wish my parents felt the way you do.”
Jason’s huge smile faded at my words as he turned to face me again. “They’re not happy about this?”
“Not exactly.” I looked down and sighed before looking at Jason again. “They said no.”
Jason put his hands on my shoulders. “When did you ask them?”
“A few days ago.”
“Well, maybe you need to ask them again!”
“I’ve asked them a million times every day, but the answer’s still no.”
Jason frowned and thought for a moment. “You could always have the missionaries come to my house and come over here to listen.”
I shook my head firmly. “No. I don’t want to sneak around behind my parents’ backs. I don’t want to have to lie about anything. Especially not something potentially life changing like this.”
Even though it was Christmas Eve and I was thrilled with the CD Jason had given me, and even though his excitement was wonderful to see after the negative reaction from my parents, it was hard not to sulk through the Christmas Eve party with Sam and Stephen and Alex and Julie, even with Curtis tottering around and babbling excitedly to everyone. Mom and Dad filled them in on my big announcement of my wanting to meet with Mormon missionaries, but surprisingly, neither Alex nor Sam tried to talk me out of it, which was probably the best Christmas gift I’d be getting this year.
~
I was exhausted Christmas Eve night by the time our family party ended, but even so, I was able to make it through the entire Rubber Soul album—on CD, this time—before I fell asleep. When I did fall asleep, I was in for another amazing Christmas present. This time when I dreamed of Brett, his hands were empty. No blue book was in sight. But his face—his face was lit up with his wide grin. I could hear him happily shouting, Yes! Yes! Yes! All I could do was smile and laugh back, but my smile faded when I thought of Mom and Dad and their unwillingness to budge even the slightest bit of an inch. Brett’s grin faded, too, but his eyes continued to sparkle with determination.
The Secret Journal of Brett Colton Page 29