Valerie was touched, and she realized that Gina had taken a huge risk in sharing this much of herself. She resisted an urge to encircle Gina in her arms and give her a comforting hug. Instead she gently put a hand on Gina’s arm. “I appreciate your trusting me to share that piece of personal history. I know that isn’t an easy thing. I’m no expert on such things, but I can guess as much.”
Gina gave her a tentative smile. “It has been hard to talk about it with anyone,” she admitted. “I try not to dwell on it, because I want to get on with my life—or maybe get started with my life, at last.” The tension gradually left her body and she let go of the railing. The two turned to continue their walk.
Valerie sighed. “Well, you are obviously very intelligent and you went through a lot of schooling. Whatever happened must have been something major to rock you so completely.”
“Yes,” Gina agreed with a nod, her eyes on the ground as she walked along a stretch of uneven pavement. “I grew up an only child, in a family where marriage and children were expected. I always assumed that I would complete my education, get a teaching job, meet someone and get married, have kids, you know?”
“Sure,” Valerie said, smiling gently. “That is what most people expect, and the majority do just that.”
Gina took a ragged breath, then continued. “Well, when I went to work this woman approached me for a relationship—I mean a sexual relationship. I was totally thrown. Somehow I had blinded myself to this whole side of life, even through all those years of college. I saw others living alternative lifestyles but I never thought of it applying to me. When it hit me, it came like an explosion.”
Valerie nodded but kept silent. Anything she could say would probably seem trivial.
“When I got into therapy,” Gina continued, “the therapist explained that my breakdown had to do with repressed sexual feelings that I had hidden from all my life.” Her voice had an edge of bitterness.
“I didn’t want to hear that,” she admitted, “and I told the woman that I wanted to be normal, to be heterosexual. She told me she could help me do that. So I stayed in Tucson and had a lot of therapy. I worked dumb jobs and had hundreds of sessions—and I ran up a big bill. And it didn’t work out. I just couldn’t change what nature had intended for me.”
Gina’s shoulders drooped. She looked totally beaten down for a moment, but then she took a deep breath and pulled herself up. “Finally, I had to walk out. Just leave. I had gotten angry over all the digging we had done in my mind, and all it had cost me, and all to no end. Now when I get that bill paid off I’ll be free of it at last and can put Tucson behind me. Then I will be able to do things for myself—hopefully even teach someday.”
They had reached the end of the Boardwalk and stood silently for a few moments, looking across the bay toward the giant saw mill that belched steam and smoke into the sky through its tall stack. When Valerie looked at the mill, she was always reminded that it was possibly the last vestige of the huge logging industry that had once been the heart of Eureka.
Val came back to their conversation. “Did you ever come to any peace with yourself? Are you okay with the way you are?” She asked this very carefully.
Gina sighed before answering. “I’ve had some relationships along the way,” she said. “They didn’t last long, because I was too fragile and too distressed, but they lasted long enough and there were enough of them to convince me that I am a lesbian. But I don’t want that fact to run my life. I’m a person, first, and I have to be comfortable with my life as a whole.”
Valerie nodded, trying to imagine what it must feel like to be in Gina’s shoes. “I’m sorry it has been such a trial for you. I always knew that I was gay, and living in San Francisco I had many models around me of the gay lifestyle. It wasn’t hard to adapt to it. My pain was losing a really loving partner too soon. I saw us going into old age together, and now here I am alone with probably 30 to 40 years yet to live. That’s what makes me feel fragile sometimes.”
She reached down and stroked Sam’s head. “Sam understands,” she said. “I got her at a dog pound. She had been abandoned and found wandering, thin and hungry. I thought that we might be able to keep each other company. She’s been a good dog.” Samantha licked her hand. “Yes, you’re a good girl, aren’t you, Sam?”
Gina watched them for a moment. “I don’t know you really well, but you seem genuine and I’m glad we talked. I haven’t had many people to tell. And you don’t seem shocked.”
Valerie chuckled. “I’ve lived too long to be shocked by much. And what you’ve told me isn’t going to make me think you are weird or anything.” She gave Gina a warm smile.
Gina appeared relieved. “I always worry that if I open up about myself I’ll turn people off.”
Valerie nodded. “Sometimes we do have to be careful in choosing our confidants,” she admitted, “but your story is safe with me—and Sam won’t tell.”
Finally, Val felt comfortable enough to give Gina a warm hug. Gina accepted her gesture with a hesitant smile. The two stood in an embrace for a moment. Then, subject closed, they chattered about lighter things and resumed their walk.
Chapter Four
“How’s school going?” Lanie asked Josie while Judee shuffled a deck of cards.
Josie stretched her long legs and took a big sip of beer before replying. “Pretty good. If I can just get through this semester I’ll be ready for the landscaping course they offer in the fall.” She watched a moment as Judee began to deal a hand of poker. “I can’t wait. That’s what I really love, the hands-on stuff. All this biology and botany gets my goat. I’m not really a student, you know.” Josie’s warm chuckle turned into a sigh as she looked at the cards Judee had dealt her. “Great hand, Jude!”
Lanie, Josie, Judee, and Valerie were gathered at Val’s dining room table, poker chips mixed in with beer bottles and glasses of wine. Lanie, the clever poker player, was cleaning up as usual. No matter who dealt the hand, she always seemed to get the best cards.
Betting among them was limited to nickels and dimes. Two of the four women were students and the other two didn’t have a lot to lose, either. But it was a fun way to get together on Saturday evenings, and none of them was involved romantically at the moment. “Small town demographics,” Judee had once quipped. “Getting a date with a woman here is about as hard as finding a penguin in the Panama Canal.”
Over the past few months Valerie’s spacious and comfortable home had become their poker palace. No other place was particularly convenient. Josie had a roommate, Judee had two kids at home, and Lanie lived in a small apartment over a garage with little space for entertaining.
On this particular Saturday evening they were playing Texas Hold ‘Em. And Lanie had just drawn two Aces. Possessing a great poker face, she gave no clue that she was about to win yet another hand.
Just as Josie was about to fold—not having drawn anything she could consider useful, a five of hearts and a three of clubs—Gina came down the stairs dressed in a wine-colored polo shirt and tan slacks. Rain gear over her arm, she was headed out the front door, presumably for her work shift at the movie theater, Val thought. Sam got up from her spot under the table and ran to Gina for a farewell lick and a pat.
“Hi, Gina,” Val called out, looking up from her cards and quickly introducing the women to her renter. This formal introduction was long overdue, Val knew, but Gina was so rarely home.
The others nodded and murmured hello as Gina smiled and patted Sam.
With a sideward glance at Valerie, Judee called out, “You should join us for poker sometime.”
“I have to work at the movie house,” Gina said, pointing to her work outfit.
“Yeah, I can see that, but you don’t work all the time, do you?” Judee quipped, her dark eyebrows wiggling.
“Most of the time,” Gina affirmed.
“Well, there must be SOME time you don’t work!” Judee refused to give up.
Gina gave her a thoughtful look a
nd her face relaxed into the hint of a smile. “Try me on a Friday, with a little warning,” she said. “Maybe if you ever play on a Friday, I could join you then.”
“Well,” said Judee, “we’ll just have to find a Friday for you. Soon.”
“Okay, let me know. See you later.” With a final rub behind Sam’s ears, Gina pulled on her rain slicker and let herself out the door.
Sam padded back to her spot near Valerie’s feet and the poker game resumed.
Judee faced Valerie with a hint of apology in her piercing brown eyes. “I hope I wasn’t overstepping my ground. She’s your roomer. I hope it’s alright with you that I asked.”
Valerie shrugged. “Sure. I don’t mind,” she said.
Josie was counting her poker chips. “Judee still wants to check her out, I think,” she observed, with a knowing grin in Judee’s direction.
Judee stared down at her cards. “Well, she looks like a lesbian to me, but we’re never gonna find out if we can’t get a word with her. Poker’s as good a way as any to break the ice, especially since this young thing works all the time. What didja say, Val, three jobs?”
“Yep,” Valerie acknowledged, carefully avoiding any details. “By the way, Judee,” she added, “she is a nice young woman. Don’t pick on her.”
“Oh, being protective, huh?” Lanie asked, kiddingly. “Maybe you like her a bit?”
Valerie grinned. “No, not at all—not in that way, anyway,” She picked up her cards and quickly changed the subject. “Let’s play, before Judee has to go home.”
“I’m good,” Judee said. “The boys are with their dad this weekend, so I’m free as a bird. Except for studying for that big fat exam on Tuesday.”
Lanie saw a chance to give Judee a ribbing. “Just like a lesbian, to get married and have a couple of boys to raise before you get your head screwed on right.”
“I’m not falling for that one,” Judee quipped, wiggling her heavy brows and flipping her shoulder-length dark brown ponytail. “They’re good kids, and I love ’em. But let’s play cards.” Despite the teasing Judee’s brown eyes were twinkling.
The banter went on throughout the evening, at the end of which Lanie doubled her money, Judee broke even, and Valerie and Josie each took a loss.
The house was dark and silent when Gina arrived home from work shortly after midnight. Saturdays were always busy at the movie multiplex. She was kept running behind the snack bar, filling popcorn bags, pouring sodas, serving hot dogs, and ringing up orders. Being a newer employee, she landed all the less-desirable jobs at closing—washing dishes, cleaning the popcorn popper, or hauling supplies from the storeroom. On Saturday evenings the crew was usually there late because, thanks to the bigger crowds, there was so much more trash to pick up and cleaning to do. She had recently been given ushering duties, which meant collecting sweaty drink containers, tossed popcorn bags and candy wrappers, sweeping up in individual theaters, and checking the restrooms for needed toilet paper, towels, and other supplies. But at least this task got her away from the intensity of the snack bar—where packed-in bodies bumped into each other as they literally ran to fill orders—and she didn’t mind.
On this evening Gina felt bone weary and, after climbing the stairs to her room, she shrugged off her clothes, pulled on a nightshirt, made a quick trip to the bathroom to brush her teeth and splash water on her face, and gratefully fell into bed. She could not get there too quickly.
Despite her tiredness it still took time for her to get to sleep. She had to slip on her earphones and listen to music for a while. Working all the time kept her mind from worrying anxiously about money or her future, but late at night when she stopped running, her mind caught up with her and sleep was sometimes difficult to achieve and even harder to maintain.
This night she drifted off finally, only to awaken at 3 a.m. to her heart pounding and her body bathed in sweat. She had been dreaming and, as she lay panicking in the dark, the covers thrown off in a heap, the dream came back to her.
She was sitting in a big leather chair in a small, airless room. Across from her, in another leather chair, was an older woman. She had dark hair with streaks of white around the temples. Wearing heavy horn-rimmed glasses and dressed in a business pantsuit, the woman held a notepad and a pen. Gina’s chair seemed huge and she felt tiny within it, almost enclosed, trapped in the giant seat.
The bespectacled woman had a gleam in her eye. She stood up, towering over Gina—who could only look up at her with wide eyes, terrified. “You have a homosexual transference on me,” the woman said, putting one hand on her hip and posing like a movie star. Gina heard her words, as if they were exaggerated, stretched out, intimidating. “You will feel strange for a time, but it will go away eventually. You must allow this to happen, allow these feelings, to find yourself.”
Gina’s heart, here in the night, pounded rapidly. She quickly flipped on the light beside the bed, bringing the present into focus. Gazing around the room, she breathed a deep sigh of relief. She was here in Eureka and not back in Tucson. She would be okay. But would the woman in her dream, Dr. Reitman, ever fade from her memory, ever truly be part of the past?
Forcing herself to think of other things, she finally began to calm down. Eventually Gina was able to turn out the light and drift back to sleep.
Judee was on the phone. “Hi, Val, how are you?”
“Fair to middlin,” Valerie quipped. Covered from head to toe with flecks of blue paint, she was in the garage touching up a nearly finished painting.
“Well, guess what! I got an A on that paper for Humanities class, and the boys are going with their dad again this weekend. He’s actually picking them up on Thursday. I’m so looking forward to some free time with no class paper hanging over my head.” Judee’s enthusiasm was obvious, even over the phone. Valerie could imagine her brows wiggling and her eyes sparkling.
“So what are you going to do?” Val was filling in a section of blue sky, trying to hold the phone and paint at the same time. She was going to have to get some kind of hands free phone one of these days.
“Well on Saturday I’m going to Trinidad to the beach. They say it’s going to be sunny this weekend. But I was thinking. We were talking about a Friday night poker game so we could invite your roomer, Gina. And this is one of the few Fridays I’ll ever be able to get away. What do you think?”
Valerie considered the idea. “I can’t think of any problem, for me anyway. You want to call the rest of the gals? I’ll check with Gina to see if she can come. I can’t promise, you know. I don’t know if this is something she really wants to do.”
“Yeah, oh, well, it’s just a thought, but I will check with the others if you’ll talk to her.” With a quick goodbye, Judee hung up.
Valerie considered the idea. This was a Tuesday, and Gina hadn’t been in the house all day. Probably wouldn’t be until late this evening. Maybe the best thing to do was put a note on her door. She’d have to be careful in wording it. Her friends wanted to meet Gina, and they would undoubtedly pester her with insinuating questions. Val realized that she was feeling a bit protective after Gina’s recent revelations. The young woman was really sensitive and didn’t need to be given the third degree.
Of course, the structure of the poker party might help. The game could take them away from conversation if the questions got too touchy. Valerie would have to pay attention and take some responsibility on Gina’s behalf, if she felt it necessary. She didn’t want Gina frightened off or made uncomfortable in this house. After all, she was a roomer and Valerie needed the money, if nothing else. She considered that for a moment. It sounded crass, even petty, and she suddenly recognized that needing money wasn’t the only or even the most important reason. She had begun to like Gina, and she didn’t want to see her hurt. And she knew that her friends, all in the name of fun, would take no prisoners.
The poker party was on. Gina, after a few moments of hesitation, had decided to accept the invitation. She worried about it periodic
ally between Tuesday evening and Friday but she didn’t have any real friends in Eureka—other than maybe Valerie and her acquaintances at work—and she needed some kind of social outlet. She wasn’t a bad poker player, after all. She had learned to play during graduate school when there wasn’t much money for entertainment. Poker provided a good release from the ongoing tension of classes and research papers. Maybe this would be a good thing, she considered.
So just after 7 p.m. on Friday evening, the women gathered in the dining room. The wine and beer came out, along with chips, dip, and pretzels, Valerie’s personal favorite. Judee arrived first, still enthusiastically looking forward to her free weekend. Then Josie, who seemed sullen at first but loosened up after admitting she had just had a little tiff with her roommate, Sarah Green. Lanie came armed with a six-pack of her favorite beer and a bottle of wine.
Dressed in jeans and a red and white University of Arizona sweatshirt, Gina came down the stairs when she heard all the buzz of conversation below. She was followed by Sam. The retriever had trotted upstairs to find her. Samantha always seemed to know what was going on in the house, without being told. And the dog showed partiality toward Gina, who would get down on the carpet and tussle with her. Gina could play the way a child would and Sam had started wagging her tail and following her throughout the house.
Valerie gave Gina a more complete introduction to the gang, one by one.
“You remember Judee. She made this evening possible by dumping her kids on her ex for the weekend. She’s a student at Humboldt State, and you can usually find her buried in a textbook when she isn’t chasing the kids,” Val announced.
“Hi, again, Gina,” Judee nodded with a wide grin. “And I didn’t DUMP my kids! I LOVE my kids, by the way.” Judee’s laugh, which followed, was loud and infectious.
“Be prepared, Gina. We do a lot of teasing around here,” Valerie interjected. “And next we have Josie—another student, but a reluctant one—a landscape gardener at heart. You may have seen her around the house. She does my lawn for me and keeps the flowers alive. And she’ll turn a bright rosy pink if you ask her anything about her love life.”
North Coast: A Contemporary Love Story Page 6