Catchee Monkey: A Rex & Eddie Mystery (Rex & Eddie Mysteries Book 1)

by Sean Cameron

  Rex jumped out of the car and practically skipped to the big red front door. He tapped a jaunty tune with the brass doorknocker.

  “Please calm down,” Eddie begged.

  “Do you think she’ll be our first femme fatale?”

  “I think she’s a grieving woman.”

  “Right, so, innocent victim. She’ll need a shoulder to cry on.”

  “Don’t be creepy.”

  Rex folded his arms. “How’s that creepy?”

  “She needs information on her father’s murder. We will show her understanding and compassion.”

  “How’s that different from what I said?”

  The door opened and Stacey Lawrence, early thirties with bleach-blonde hair, opened the door. Heavy black eye shadow highlighted her milky complexion. Rex thought her make-up made her smoulder, Eddie thought she looked like a panda, but a sexy panda all the same. Eddie noticed her simple yellow dress was covered in creases, like she’d just thrown it on.

  “You’re the detectives?”

  “Um, yes,” Eddie said.

  “You better come in.”

  The house was a traditional white cottage with a thatched roof. The walls were painted pastel colours and dark antique furniture spread across each room. Although the cottage had large windows, the thick red drapes were pulled and let only a sliver of light into each room.

  Stacey guided them to the kitchen. She stood at the kitchen island while the pair propped themselves on the high stools.

  “Thanks for seeing us,” Eddie said.

  She grabbed a bottle of vodka, poured a generous shot, and cocked her head to a display of spirits. “Would either of you like a drink?”

  Eddie raised his palms. “I’m fine thanks.”

  “Me too.”

  “Come on, someone’s got to drink with me.”

  “Cup of tea would be lovely,” Rex said.

  She took a moment to work out if Rex was serious.

  “Is he for real?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  She turned to Rex. “You want a cup of tea?”

  “Yes please. No milk, two sugars, and a lemon slice if you have it?”

  “Because I’ve got spirits.”

  “I won’t trouble you with that. Just a tea for me, thanks.”

  “And you?”

  Eddie wasn’t sure what to say. It seemed rude to say no, but it didn’t seem like she wanted to make one either. “If you’re making one.”

  Stacey rolled her eyes and filled the kettle. She put the kettle on the hot stove and searched the cupboards for tea bags. She seemed frazzled and unsure of herself. “Sorry, I’m a little hungover.”

  Eddie gave a polite smile. “No worries.”

  Stacey checked inside a clay pot and found the tea bags. “There we are.” She dropped them into two mugs.

  “So, what did you find out?”

  “Pardon?” Eddie asked.

  “You have information on my father’s death, right?”

  “Not exactly,” Eddie said. He turned to Rex who had lowered his head like a dog caught on the sofa.

  “You don’t have information on my father then?”

  “We know he was murdered,” Rex said. “And that he died in our office on October twenty-eighth, and that his blood was very hard to clean—”

  “What he means is, uh, we know the basic details.”

  “You want a reward for telling me what I already know?” Her eyebrows furrowed as her eyes glazed over with the threat of tears. Embarrassed, Eddie avoided eye contact. Rex scratched his head. The kettle’s whistle broke the awkward silence.

  “We’re detectives,” Rex said. “We think we can solve your case and wanted to know a bit more about your father.”

  “I’m confused, are you here for the reward?”

  “Yes,” Rex said.

  “There seems to have been a bit of a mix up,” Eddie said. “We were here to take the case so we can bring you information, you know, later. But it seems what you want is to give a reward to someone that already knows.”

  She stirred the tea and pushed the cups towards them, along with a pot of sugar and a pint of milk.

  “So I offer a five grand reward for information, and you come to me looking for a lead?”

  Eddie felt sick to his stomach. He’d come into a woman’s home and brought up her family tragedy with nothing to offer.

  “Actually,” Rex said. “It’s standard detective practice to get half now, half later—”

  “Rex, stop it.”

  “Or at least set up a retainer for expenses.”

  “Shut up, Rex.”

  She downed her vodka and laughed. Rex didn’t get what was funny, but realised he’d lost her interest. “The full amount after would work too.”

  “You gonna drink your tea?” she said.

  Eddie obediently sipped away, but Rex raised a hand.

  “I actually asked for a slice of lemon.”

  “I don’t have any lemons.”

  Rex pointed across the room at a fruit bowl with a few lemons in it.

  “You want a lemon?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I’ll give you a lemon.” Stacey threw a lemon at Rex and it bounced off his head, which Rex didn’t seem to mind at all. She picked up the lemons and threw them at Rex and Eddie. Eddie jumped out of his seat. He spilt tea on his hand and still took a lemon to the gut. The pure force winded him a little.

  “Get the hell out of my house.”

  “Come on, Rex, we’re leaving.” Rex froze again. Eddie grabbed his hand and marched out of the house as Stacey threw oranges, apples and then a mango. Her ammunition got bigger and bigger. Eddie saw she owned a pineapple and wanted to get in the car before she threw that too.

  ***

  “I don’t like that lady very much,” Rex said, breaking a ten-minute silence as they drove through the countryside. Eddie clenched the steering wheel. “I mean, why offer a cup of tea and then get all upset like that? Right, Eddie?”

  “She was upset because she thought we had information on her father’s murderer. She wasn’t looking to hire two detectives without any clue on the murder at all.”

  Rex stared at Eddie, blank-faced. He giggled. “That’s embarrassing.”

  “I think its best we head to the office. I’ll collect my things and we can just call it even.”

  “What? You can’t do that. You said you’d help me with my first case.”

  “Because I thought you had a case.”

  “I’ll get another one, and you’ll get your investment back.”

  “I’ll get some money when I sell the car.” Eddie was interrupted by a nasty clunk from hitting a pothole. Within another mile, they had a flat tire.

  The rest of their afternoon consisted of fixing the tire. After learning they didn’t have a spare wheel, they rolled the tire into town. The mechanic told them the extra mile tore through the rubber, so they’d need a new one. Rex and Eddie didn’t speak to each other the entire trip. Rex helped Eddie carry and install the new tire in perfect silence. It’s what Eddie needed.

  At the office, Eddie packed his things. Rex walked up to the answer machine and pushed a button next to a flashing light.

  “Hi, this is Stacey Lawrence. I’m calling to apologise about earlier. I’ve been having a rough time at the moment. If you find out who killed my father I would, of course, pay you the reward. And, yeah, sorry about the fruiting. Thanks, bye.”

  Rex’s face lit up. “What do you say, Eddie?”

  Eddie took a deep breath. He thought about his savings and how he desperately wanted the money back. Rex’s smile cracked and Eddie saw the desperation in his eyes.

  “Fine. Let’s give it a go.”

  Eddie sat at the computer with Rex over his shoulder and searched for Derek Lawrence. The Kent Gazette website featured an obituary on the victim.

  Rex leaned closer. “What does it say?”

  “It says Derek Lawrence passed away at his persona
l office.”

  “That’s putting it mildly.”

  “He was a successful writer in the late seventies, but didn’t do much after that. Lawrence started out as a journalist for the Midway Sun, writing about his time riding along with the police.”

  “Cool, I’ve always wanted to ride in a police car.”

  “In nineteen sixty-nine he published Taskforce, a book about his experiences with the Cloisterham police. In nineteen seventy-two the BBC produced a Taskforce TV show which ran for ten years. The show was even filmed in Cloisterham.”

  “Nan likes that show. They used to repeat it weekday afternoons,” Rex said.

  “After the show was cancelled he continued to write, but he struggled to find a publisher.” Eddie sighed. “Well, this isn’t much good. We’ve got nothing from nineteen eighty-three onwards.”

  “I could ask around. See what the neighbours say.”

  While Rex was out, Eddie scrolled through web page after web page but learnt nothing new about Lawrence.

  Rex entered the office with his lower lip slightly puffed out.

  “No luck?”

  “They didn’t even know his name. He’s been here since the eighties and never talked to anyone. What did the Internet say?”

  “Taskforce has a message board but it’s mostly fan theories, like what the characters would be up to now.”

  “Did you ask them for help?”

  “I can’t. After I pointed out most of the characters would be dead by now, they blocked my account.”

  “Let me try.”

  Rex created an account and searched the message board.

  “Check this out. It’s behind-the-scenes photos of filming.”

  Eddie leaned in and examined the photos. It showed a jolly middle-aged Lawrence with his feet up on a desk. Other shots showed cameras and clapperboards in front of actors with bad hairstyles. One outdoor photo showed the TV studio in the background.

  Eddie leaned in closer. “I know that building.”

  “It’s Laser Flux. The laser tag place.” Rex bounced up and down as he spoke.

  “That’s still open? I haven’t been there in ten years.”

  “I bet it’s still awesome.”

  Eddie searched the message board for the TV studio and found a post from an ex-employee of Laser Flux. Although the studio became a futuristic battlefield for teens to play out their violent fantasies, the upstairs production office was untouched.

  “Evidence! Can we go to Laser Flux, Eddie? Can we?”

  “I don’t think they’re gonna let us in their office.

  “Come on.”

  “But it’s the only lead we have. We’ll have to go undercover.”

  SIX

  Eddie’s heart beat a little faster as he and Rex entered the Laser Flux reception. His eyes adjusted to the lack of light in the dark reception room. The walls were covered in silver painted plywood with flashing Christmas lights attached. As a youth, Eddie thought the UV black lights made everything look like a futuristic alien world. Now, he noticed how much it showed up his dandruff. Rex nodded with an expression that said, “It’s good to be back.”

  Eddie scrunched his nose. “They haven’t changed a thing.”

  “Great, isn’t it?”

  The pair reached a short round lady with a blonde beehive at the cash register.

  “That’s fifteen pound total?” Eddie asked.

  “Each,” she said.

  “Thirty quid?”

  “That’s right.”

  Rex jumped on the spot as Eddie forked over the money.

  “Wait on the blue line with your team-members. When the red lights flash, you have one minute to put on your gear and fifteen minutes in the arena.”

  Rex and Eddie lined up with two fourteen-year-old boys and a twelve-year-old girl. The young teens looked them up and down with disgust.

  The girl stepped forward. “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-eight,” Eddie said.

  “That’s well old.”

  Rex smiled. “We’re seasoned professionals. We’ve got your back.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather go on the next round?” the skinny boy asked. “That way you’d get to play with your carer?”

  Eddie narrowed his eyes. “My what?”

  “Whoever takes care of you,” the girl said.

  The chubby boy laughed. “You really ain’t with it, are you? Man, I can’t believe we got stuck with the special bus.”

  The skinny boy nodded in agreement.

  Rex crossed his arms. “You think we’re retarded?”

  All three nodded.

  Eddie wagged his finger. “That is both politically, and factually, incorrect.”

  “Then why are you adults playing a game for people our age?” the girl asked.

  Eddie crouched over them. “Adults can play laser tag.”

  The chubby boy shook his head. “Real adults do paintball. They probably don’t let you cause you’ll eat the paint.”

  The girl cocked her head. “Where’s the rest of them? I thought you only travel by the bus load.”

  “We didn't come here in a bus,” Eddie said.

  “What did you come in then?”

  Eddie hesitated. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  The skinny boy inspected the reception. “Does your carer even know you are here?”

  Eddie pointed at Rex. “How do you know I’m not his carer?” All three teens raised an eyebrow.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie said.

  Confused, Rex looked behind him to see who Eddie pointed at.

  The girl giggled. “You’re a pair of window-lickers.”

  “We are not. I do not lick windows. Rex, do you lick windows?”

  “Who have you been talking to?” Rex whispered.

  Eddie put his hands on his hip. “We are an asset to this team.”

  “Whatever.” The three teens dismissed the pair and talked amongst themselves.

  Rex tapped Eddie on the shoulder. “Check out the competition. Mean looking sons of bitches.” Eddie turned to the red team’s line and saw a group of small pre-teen boys.

  “They’re pygmies compared to us. I think we’ll be fine. Remember, our goal is to get inside and sneak off to the office. I reckon a fire exit will lead us there.”

  “But if we score a few points while we’re at it, no harm, no foul?”

  “We aren’t here to play games—”

  A siren blared as a red light above the doorway flashed.

  “Battle commences in t-minus one minute,” a robotic female voice announced. “Put on your body armour and wait at the arena entrance for instructions.”

  In the weapon’s chamber they placed on their blue body armour and laser gun. At the doorway the chubby boy turned and faced the rest of the blues. “OK, team. Head for the shadows and let the enemy come to you. Softly, softly, catchee monkey.”

  Eddie nudged Rex. “Check out little captain commando.”

  “You got a problem?” the boy barked.

  Startled, Eddie averted his eyes. “Uh, me? No.”

  “We are in a war,” the chubby boy said. “If you can’t keep up, then you hide until it’s over. You mess this up, and I will pistol whip you in the face.” The boy’s chubby cheeks jiggled as he shouted at Eddie.

  “All right, calm down.”

  “I think he’s serious, Eddie.”

  The boy stepped forward. “Can I count on you?”

  Eddie didn’t want to draw any more unnecessary attention and swallowed his pride. “Yes, sir.”

  The arena doors burst open, and smoke blew down.

  The chubby captain charged forward. “Go, go, go!”

  The teens ran off into the shadows. Rex dropped and rolled into the mist. Eddie was alone.

  The arena was lit by neon blues, reds and yellows. UV black lights covered the halls, but there were plenty of dark nooks and crannies. Speakers all around the arena played drum and bass so loud Eddie could fe
el his skeleton reverberate. A steel stairway led to a second level with a metal crate floor that allowed people to shoot each other from above and below.

  “Rex? Rex, where are you?” One of the red pygmies dashed past and shot Eddie. His chest plate rumbled and sent a small electric jolt into his chest. “Son of a—”

  Zap! Eddie was shot a second time in the back and received another jolt to his spine.

  “What the hell?” He tried to shoot back, but his laser gun was stunned from the hit. The little red pygmies disappeared before Eddie’s weapon recharged.

  Eddie knew his guns would freeze for five-seconds after taking a hit, but he didn’t remember being electrocuted before. He wondered if it was a new feature until he noticed a few exposed wires on his body armour. After fifteen years of daily abuse, the body packs were getting their revenge.

  A fire exit sign glowed at the end of a long smoky corridor. Eddie ran towards the doors gleaming push bar. A little red team member jumped out in front of him with a laser gun pointed at Eddie’s chest. Zap! The little tyke shuddered. He’d been sniped by Rex, who hid in the shadows.

  “Come on, Eddie.” Rex waved Eddie over to the fire exit. “I’ve got you covered.” Eddie speed-walked to the exit as Rex travelled backwards to scan for enemies.

  Three red soldiers jumped out and shot Rex. His body pack lit up with flashing LEDs, and the shock knocked him back. Rex crashed into Eddie, which shoved them both into the fire exit door and shared the electric shock. The weight of the pair forced the door open. Rex rolled off a squashed Eddie, who uncontrollably shook from the triple voltage.

  “What a buzz, aye Eddie?”

  “Are you getting electrocuted too?” Eddie asked.

  “Yeah, who knew you could improve laser tag? Ups the stakes, makes you feel alive.”

  “The game lasts fifteen minutes, so we have maybe twelve minutes at most to check the office before anyone knows we're missing.”

  Rex followed Eddie up the flight of stairs. On the landing they came face-to-face with a cleaning lady, a Jamaican woman with a stoic face. Eddie knew he had to come up with a story fast.

  “Um, hello.” His mind went blank. Not the best start, he thought.

  “What you want?” she asked.

  “Can we check out the old office?” Rex asked, as if it was a reasonable request for two adults in laser tag gear to make.