“Especially not for her daughter,” Rice said.
Baby tugged on my sleeve and signed urgently, Amy, I think that’s the woman from the ship.
I looked up and saw Kay. She wasn’t wearing her skintight black outfit, but it was definitely her.
“Who’s that woman?” I asked Rice.
“That’s Kay Oh. You don’t recognize her?” he asked, surprised.
“No, I do. She brought us in. She’s tough.” I admired her.
“No, I mean don’t you recognize her from pre-ap times. . . . She was a pop star.”
I took a closer look at Kay. She did look familiar, but not entirely. The hair was wrong. For some reason I pictured it blue and spiky. Suddenly I had it.
“That’s Kay Oh from Kay Oh and the Okays!” I was startled to remember them. They were a pop girl band and Kay Oh was the lead singer. They were everywhere Before.
“Yeah, she’s in charge of the Guardians now, believe it or not. It suits her. She likes to cause trouble and kick ass. She scares me,” he whispered with a smile.
“Me too,” I admitted. “She’s the one who captured us.” I moved my shoulder up and down. “I still have the bruises.”
Rice laughed. “Kay gives your mother a headache, but she’s good at her job.”
“A headache how?”
“You know, she’s just . . . difficult,” he said, clearly not wanting to say more.
“Like?” I smiled. “Come on, Rice, you’ve got to give me something here. Everything can’t be a secret.” I tried to sound like I was joking, but it was really how I felt.
Rice considered, adjusting his hold on Baby. “Kay likes to shake things up. In committee meetings she always plays devil’s advocate, doesn’t just fall into line. I really shouldn’t be telling you this.” He looked genuinely nervous.
“Their jobs are pretty demanding physically, aren’t they?” I asked, an idea starting to form.
“Yes, Guardians are the only ones who have to work out every day, and they’re exempt from almost everything except their psyche-eval. The women don’t even have to donate their genetic material unless they want to.”
“And how, exactly, do you become a Guardian?” I asked, prying.
“You have to pass certain tests, stealth, speed, weaponry . . .” He stopped and studied my face. “Amy, you don’t want to be a Guardian.”
“Why not?”
“Your mom would freak, first of all.”
He was right. If my mother didn’t want me to be a Guardian, I’d have a powerful opponent. On the other hand, her fanaticism for her own rules could work in my favor. She couldn’t keep me from doing something I was qualified for because she wanted to keep me out of harm’s way. Not when she asked other citizens of New Hope to risk their lives as Guardians.
“Besides,” Rice continued, “do you know the mortality rate for Guardians? The odds aren’t good. I wouldn’t want you in danger like that.”
I thought for a moment about the death that was announced on the news. “No, but I do know about Floraes and surviving outside of New Hope.”
He sighed. “Look, the Guardians started up as soon as your mother became director. There were some military people here, checking up on their commissioned research, but most of the Guardians are Hutsen-Prime security staff and new recruits. At first everyone wanted to be a Guardian. You get special treatment, you’re exempt, and everyone in New Hope treats you like you’re royalty. Personally I think they’re just glorified couriers.”
“What do you mean?”
“The Guardians’ main mandate is to get supplies from the outside world. There’s a lot of stuff left out there, canned goods are just now starting to expire and clothing and supplies stored in plastics are as good as new. If New Hope needs new computers, or more solar panels, the Guardians go out and fetch them. It’s dangerous and necessary, but they act like they’re war heroes every time they come back.”
“I thought they were like the police,” I said. “I thought the Guardians protected New Hope.”
Rice laughed. “The sonic emitters protect New Hope. The Guardians act as our police force. . . . We have some rooms we’ve converted to holding cells, but we hardly ever use them. Mostly everyone here follows the rules. Almost all the adults were Hutsen-Prime staff. They screened their employees thoroughly, and the children . . .”
“Are indoctrinated.”
He looked at me sharply. “Not exactly the word I would use.”
“So, what happened? Why don’t people want to join the Guardians anymore?”
“There were too many deaths, too many training accidents. That’s why they don’t even train Guardians until they’re adults. We can’t have our children getting injured in the hopes they’ll make good Guardians.”
“So how would I actually become a Guardian?” I was tired of him avoiding the question.
“You have to class out and take the tests. If you do well, they train you until you’re ready for the final test. If you pass that, you’re in.” Rice smiled kindly. “Look, if you’re serious about becoming a Guardian, why don’t you go talk to Kay? She’s the one who knows everything.”
I nodded and searched the room for Kay again and saw her slipping out a side door. I didn’t want to miss my chance. I turned to go but felt Rice’s hand on my shoulder. “I was serious about not wanting anything to happen to you. Be careful what you’re asking for.”
I nodded again and smiled grimly. Then I hurried to where Kay had disappeared and pushed open the door, stepping into the hot, late spring air.
Kay had vanished, but I didn’t want to go back inside just yet. I closed my eyes and breathed, tuning out the noise of the party, the noise of New Hope. To my left I heard a sharp inhalation, then a long, satisfied exhale. I peeked around the corner.
“Hello, Kay.”
She looked at me, slightly startled. “Amy.” She took another drag on her cigarette.
“Where did you get those? I didn’t think cigarettes would be allowed,” I said.
She shrugged. “They’re frowned upon, but what isn’t here?”
“Procreation, apparently,” I said.
She smirked. “Enjoying your party?” she asked.
“No, not really.”
“You’ll be happy to know that attendance was mandatory, for those special few invited, that is.”
“Few? It seems like half of New Hope is packed in there.”
We stood in silence for a moment. “Did you want a cigarette or something?” Kay asked.
I took a deep breath, building up my courage. “Actually, I want to be a Guardian,” I blurted.
She studied me. “And . . .?”
“I have to learn how to pass the tests. I want you to teach me.”
Kay scowled. “And what does Director Mommy think about this idea?” she asked. She finished her cigarette and squashed it underfoot. She then picked up the butt and put it in her pocket.
“She doesn’t know, exactly.”
“Why should I help you?” Kay asked. “You got me in trouble when you pulled your little stunt on Rice.” There wasn’t even a hint of amusement in her voice. “I wouldn’t have guessed you girls were packing two guns, although you did seem like trouble.”
“That was unintentional,” I apologized. I still couldn’t read Kay. I didn’t know if she was considering helping me or just toying with me.
“What about shooting me? I’m pretty sure that was intentional.”
“You were wearing a synth-suit, and you seem fine now.” I’d hoped she’d forgiven me for that, under the circumstances.
“It still hurts.” She rubbed her side. “I’ll have bruises for weeks. You could have broken one of my ribs.”
“Well, I thought you were a Florae at the time, if that makes any difference.”
To my surprise, Kay nodded. “The people here, they don’t really get it. They’re safe and secure. They don’t have to think about what it’s like out in the world now. How empty it is.”
“Except for the Floraes.”
“Yeah, except for the Floraes.” She began to walk away.
“What are They?” I called after her. “I know the Guardians must know more about Them; they capture Them to study.”
She paused, turning slightly. “If you want to be a Guardian, maybe you should focus on that for now,” she told me, walking away again.
“So . . . you’ll train me?” I jogged to her side and walked with her.
“Yes, but you have to do things my way.”
“All right.”
“And you can’t miss any school, so your mother doesn’t catch on.”
“Okay.”
“And you’re not allowed to complain,” Kay continued.
“Not at all?” I grinned. Kay was a hard-ass, but I could tell she had a sense of humor.
“Never.” She smiled slyly. “Well, I suppose if you break a bone you can complain a little bit.”
“Does that happen often?” We were nearly back to the party.
“Yes,” she told me bluntly. “Synth-suits can save you from teeth and claws, but not brute force. We train Guardians to deal with everything, all types of attacks. Some don’t make it.”
“Don’t make it, as in are injured, or don’t make it as in . . .” I trailed off when Kay gave me a meaningful look.
“What time does the director leave in the morning?” Kay asked before we rejoined the party.
“Usually by five.”
“Perfect, you can get in a morning run and be at the Rumble Room by six. It’s the big building across from the Orientation Office.”
“Black door?” I asked. “Restricted area?”
She nodded. “I’ll wait for you outside.”
“I’ll be there,” I said. She opened the door, and I added, “Thank you.”
She paused and turned to me. “Don’t thank me, kiddo. We need more Guardians. Each year we get fewer and fewer applicants. We’ve lost four this year and we have one new recruit: you.” She shook her head.
“I won’t give up,” I said.
She looked me up and down one last time. “We’ll see about that, sunshine,” she added mockingly before heading inside.
I stood alone outside, wondering if I would ever feel at home in New Hope. Kay’s sarcastic voice echoed through my head: “We’ll see . . .” I went back to the party, determined to prove myself to Kay, to my mother, and to New Hope.
• • •
“Take this, sunshine,” a female voice whispers.
“What is it?” I ask the nurse. I look at her closely. She’s not my usual nurse, and I always get medication in my room, not in the hall.
“Just take it.” She pushes it into my hand. She’s strong for someone so petite. “Rice said he’d tell you I was coming.”
My mind races. I take a step back, startled. My mouth hangs open in amazement. Kay.
“You’ve come for me?” My heart is pounding. She’s going to help me escape. Relief floods over me. I won’t have to suffer anymore. I won’t have to live in constant fear of my impending electroshock therapy.
Kay stares at me. “I’m sorry, kiddo, no. I just came to give you the pill.”
“But you’re supposed to help me.” I open my mouth to say more, but she shakes her head, silencing me.
“I set it up so there’s a blind spot in the cameras but we only have a few minutes.” She glances down at her watch.
“When are you getting me out of here?” I ask, pleading.
“For now, take the pill.” Her voice is stern.
I nod and put the pill in my mouth, swallowing it with a dry cough.
“Good girl.” Kay leans in. “I’ll get you more later. This was all I could manage for now. We need you clear if we’re going to . . .” A nurse walks down the hall, past us, and Kay pretends to consult a chart.
“When?” I ask again, frustration in my voice.
“Just be ready,” she tells me, looking over her shoulder.
I don’t want her to go, not without me. All the exhilaration I felt moments earlier has turned to panic. “Please, take me with you now,” I beg.
“It’s too risky,” she tells me sadly. “We’ll come back for you.”
I nod unhappily.
“Keep safe,” she says before walking down the hall, her head bent low, and disappearing around the corner.
I stare after her with mixed emotions. “We’ll come back for you,” she’d said. I can’t leave just yet, but it’s finally begun.
PART THREE
GUARDIANS
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
My mother comes to visit me today and she brings Adam. I’m happy to see them both. Adam shows me his new toy, a hand-me-down plastic dinosaur he scored from a Class Three boy who’d outgrown it. I play with Adam on the floor of my room while my mother sits on the bed, watching us.
I know the pill that Kay gave me has worked. I’m still a little groggy, but I’m much clearer than I’ve been in a long time. I turn to my mother and ask, “How long have I been here?”
“It’s been almost half a year since you’ve come to New Hope.” She smiles at me encouragingly. “And I’m grateful for every moment.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I mean here, in the Ward.”
She reaches out and fixes a stray hair that has settled on my forehead. “Your hair is getting a lot longer, maybe I can find out about getting you a haircut?” When I don’t reply, she sighs loudly. “You’ve only been in the Ward a little over a month, honey.”
So I’ve lost an entire month. What has been going on in New Hope without me? “Why am I in here?” I blurt.
“You’re here to get the help you need.” She doesn’t even think before she speaks.
“I know . . . but why specifically? Help for what?” I push.
She studies me. “I . . .” She pauses, then says, “Dr. Reynolds believes you need to be monitored. You were acting erratically.”
“Erratically? What did I do?” I wish all my memories would come back. I wish Kay could have given me more pills. If I could only have a few days without any medication, without the constant confusion. What did I do that was so bad they put me in here and drugged me into a zombie?
“Amy . . . let me talk to Dr. Reynolds about this.” My mother kneels down on the floor next to us.
“No. I’d really prefer it if you didn’t,” I tell her, trying to meet her gaze, but she looks away.
“I just want you to get well.”
I’m not reassured at all. “But what if I’m not getting better?” I ask.
“Don’t say that.”
I play with Adam for a few more minutes, then my mother has to leave. She promises to come back soon and kisses me on the head. Adam waves good-bye with his chubby hands and gives me a wide smile.
After a few seconds, I hear my mother speaking to Dr. Thorpe in the hall, about the questions I’ve asked and about my course of treatment. Dr. Thorpe’s voice is strained as she explains I am relapsing. I hear my mother begin to sniffle. She must be crying.
When Dr. Thorpe comes in, she takes my vitals and writes in my chart.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I feel . . .” I don’t know what she’s looking for. “I feel fine.” I say at last.
“And the memory loss?”
“Things are coming back to me slowly.”
“Do you remember coming to the Ward?”
“Not yet,” I admit, uncertain.
“I’m very concerned,” she tells me. “The meds that Dr. Reynolds has prescribed seem to be having an adverse effect. Your condition is deteriorating. I’ve decided, under Dr. Samuel’s recommendation and with the urging of Dr. Reynolds, to begin your electroshock treatments tomorrow.”
She sees the horror on my face and continues hastily, “It’s not as bad as you might think. You’ll have an initial worsening of your memory. . . .”
I shake my head. “No.” I can’t return to how I was, not knowing the differe
nce between dreams and reality.
“But that will only last for a few days. The therapy could be very beneficial to your psychosis.”
“Can I refuse treatment?” I ask, already knowing the answer. I begin to shake, fear and frustration taking over my body. I have no control. I have nothing.
Dr. Thorpe sighs. “Amy, I’m only trying to help you. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll send a nurse in to give you a sedative.”
“No, I’m fine.” I try to relax, but my body still trembles. I can’t even control my own muscles. Dr. Thorpe leaves and a nurse comes in to give me a shot. I try to stay awake, struggling against the darkness. There is so much I don’t remember but what little I do, I don’t want to forget.
• • •
I got up before the alarm and listened for my mother, who always left the house around five a.m. Two weeks had flown by, between class and training and babysitting. I was finally getting used to waking up at first light, instead of going to sleep at daybreak.
Going running? Baby asked when I got out of bed. Even though I tried not to wake her, she still heard me every morning.
I need to practice, I signed into her hand. She hadn’t even bothered to open her eyes.
See you before school. She turned and fell back asleep. I stared at her for a moment, her blond hair barely covering the scar on her neck. I reached out and combed her hair with my fingers, arranging it over the mark, though I wasn’t entirely sure why.
I changed into the T-shirt and shorts that I’d scavenged from my mother’s closet. I stretched outside the apartment, then jogged in the opposite direction from the Quad. I preferred to be alone, since I didn’t wear shoes and my “silent” running technique drew stares. Running around with my mouth wide open made me look like a total weirdo, but it would be a useful skill if I made Guardian.
As I breathed in the humid air, I noticed how, even in the heat, it felt good to be outside. I loved the soft prickly sensation of the grass under my feet and the quiet in the outskirts of the town. I decided to run to the lake, knowing I would have to push it to get back in an hour. The last time I was late for training, Kay refused to even look at me and I spent the session on my own, trying to copy what the other Guardians were doing. Even so, I was relieved to have a focus, to have my days filled with purpose. I was even sleeping better, exhausted from all the physical exertion.
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