Both eyes were now open. Sitting straighter, Aaron hardened his voice. “Marie has more to worry about than my marriage. Her husband is in some center because he’s too weak to deal with his addictions on his own.”
The way he’d said “my marriage” stung. But what hurt even more was his lack of sympathy for their son. “Peter is not a weak man, Aaron. For the last twenty years, we’ve watched him farm this land, increase its value, be loyal to his wife, and raise three children. He is a good man who is going through a difficult time.”
Aaron lumbered to his feet. “I refuse to feel sorry for him, Lovina. He brought his problems on himself, and he should be able to solve them that way, too. I did.”
Her husband was as agitated as she’d ever seen him. His shoulders were stiff, and his expression was strained. And his voice . . .
His voice held a true note of sorrow in it. As if what had happened with his first wife and child was still a great source of pain for him.
Even though that accident had happened so very long ago.
Her heart went out to him. Because she loved him dearly, she pushed a little more. She knew from experience that the only way to heal a wound was to doctor it . . . not to merely cover it up. “You are being unfair to Marie, as well. She’s our daughter, too, Aaron. The daughter of our hearts.”
He raised a hand and made a brushing motion. “Oh, you know what I mean. And you know also that Marie shouldn’t be focusing on our problems when she has so many of her own. Why, you’d think she’d be spending every free moment she has praying for Peter’s health and for him to return home.”
“Peter is getting help, and his well-being is in the Lord’s hands now. That is why Peter left us, I am sure of it. The Lord guided him to this treatment center. I have a feeling we’ll be glad he sought help.”
Now his expression matched his tone. “If he gets better, it is because the Lord wanted him to get better, Lovina.”
Of course the Lord had a lot to do with his improvement. But she also thought that the Lord had guided Peter to seek help, and that the Lord had given the doctors and therapists the tools to provide that help.
But Aaron would never understand her point of view. “Of course you are right,” she said instead.
She waited a moment, folding the edges of one of the napkins and pinning it down. Her hands were trembling a bit and she pricked herself.
She walked to the bathroom, got out a bandage, and neatly fastened it on her finger so that she wouldn’t accidently stain the cloth.
Staring at her finger, she walked back to her chair. Yes, covering up cuts was good. Necessary. But trying to cover up their past? Their memories?
Their marriages?
She was beginning to think that that was one of the biggest mistakes she and Aaron had ever made.
It was time to bring things out in the open, to force the conversation, even if it was painful. Marriage was about having the difficult conversations, wasn’t it?
She vaguely recalled her mother telling her that, back when she’d been in high school.
Back when she’d had such a crush on Jack and thought she was the luckiest girl in the world.
Grabbing her courage, she pressed. “You know, you never even told me much about Laura Beth and Ben.”
“We just talked about them.”
“No, we talked about why you didn’t want to talk about them to the rest of the family. There’s a difference.”
Starting to look resigned, he said, “I already gave you the chance to ask me anything you wanted.”
He’d given her one evening. She’d been eighteen and knew nothing about marriage and raising children. All she’d been aware of was how different Aaron was from Jack.
“You didn’t say much then, or maybe I didn’t really ask the right questions. I mean, what were Laura Beth and Ben like?”
His eyes widened. “What were they like?”
“Jah. I mean . . . was she a kind woman? Was she young? Pretty? Silly?” A thousand more questions bubbled up inside her. Lovina wanted to know a hundred details. Had she been shy or outgoing? Had she laughed a lot or been moody? And how had they met? And Ben? What kind of boy had he been? Was he the quiet type like Jacob, gregarious like Aden? Or was he more dutiful like Peter?
More than that, she wanted to know how happy he’d been with his first wife. How happy had his life been before they’d passed away, and he’d married her? Though it had all happened more than forty years ago, she worried that his memories were still as sharp, and that after all this time, she still couldn’t compare with them.
After all this time, she ached to know her competition.
Lovina stared back at Aaron, begging him silently to tell her everything she wanted to know. To give her reassurance that she’d never been a poor copy of his first wife.
She wanted Laura Beth to suddenly become a person to her instead of a woman who she could never measure up to.
“Laura Beth . . . she was . . . ” His voice cracked, as if even saying her name was a difficult thing. “My Laura Beth . . . she was everything. That’s what she was,” he finished. He stood up.
“And Ben?” She forced the question even though she was sure she didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Ben?” A line formed in between his brows. “My Ben was my first-born son, that’s what he was. The three of us . . . we were a family. A perfect, happy family.”
His words couldn’t have been any more hurtful. Her pain couldn’t have been sharper if he’d slapped her.
And the reality couldn’t have been more clear.
Never had she been first in his heart. Never had he even attempted for her to be. She’d only been a substitute.
A copy of the perfect Amish woman who would always remain perfect in his heart.
She was still staring at him when he turned away and walked quietly out the back door.
Then she leaned forward and carefully folded the fabric into neat rectangles.
And realized that something else had happened. She’d never imagined she’d feel worse about herself than the night she’d come home from her homecoming dance.
But oh, she had been so terribly wrong.
Chapter Nine
Roman’s time in Pinecraft and at Siesta Key had flown by. Every day, he’d spent time at the beach, going into town with his cousins, and spending time with Amanda and Regina.
On some days, they’d done little but talk briefly on the beach. Other times, though, they’d spent far longer in each other’s company.
One evening Amanda and Regina had come over for a barbecue. Just that morning, he’d made sand castles with Regina while Amanda had pretended to read a book and relax.
Now, he felt as if he were as different inside as his tanned skin looked on the outside. He felt more relaxed, better prepared to deal with the pressures of home.
He was just watching the sun make its initial descent when Beth stepped out onto the patio.
Roman had been about to greet her when he noticed—with some alarm—that she had a certain “look” about her. The one that said she had much on her mind.
He stifled a groan. He’d learned from his sisters that whenever they approached with such an intent look it was time to prepare to explain himself—even if he’d done nothing wrong.
With Viola or Elsie it was usually some imagined slight. With Beth? He guessed she was preparing to talk to him about a certain neighbor.
Truth be told, he wouldn’t mind discussing his feelings about Amanda. His insides knotted at the thought of never seeing her again after he got on the bus tomorrow. Those knots were warring with his usual levelheaded reasoning. He and Amanda couldn’t live farther away from each other. He knew that meant they couldn’t have much of a future.
But he didn’t want to have to think about that right now. All he really wanted to do right now was enjoy these last precious moments of peace before they boarded the Pioneer Trails bus and headed home in the morning.
How could
his vacation pass so quickly? He wasn’t ready to head north. To be cold again. To say goodbye to Amanda.
Finally, Beth spoke. “Roman, you’re not asleep, are you?”
“You’ve been hovering by my side for at least eight minutes,” he said dryly. “If I had been asleep, I’d be awake by now.”
“Oh.”
He turned around and noticed that she looked a little dejected, as if she were carrying a great load and couldn’t find the right spot to set it down.
So he decided to focus on his cousin. “What has you so spun up?”
“Oh, nothing. I mean, nothing’s really wrong. . . . ”
“What is on your mind, then? Is it something to do with Paul? Or the kinner?”
“Not at all. I mean, they’re all gut. Paul and Lindy and Caleb are great.”
“Then what is it? And don’t say nothing again because I’m tired of talking in circles.”
With a thump, she took the chair beside him and scooted closer. “It’s just that I noticed . . . I mean, we all noticed, even Mamm and Daed, that is . . .”
Now this was even worse than dealing with his sisters. They at least didn’t have a problem speaking their mind. “Beth. Noticed what?”
“That you and Amanda have spent quite a bit of time together.”
Roman wasn’t surprised she’d noticed. He’d done nothing to keep his feelings secret. And though he wouldn’t have minded talking to Beth about his worries about a long-distance relationship, he didn’t appreciate her tone with him. It sounded vaguely accusing, vaguely maternal.
And since he was twenty-three, not thirteen, he didn’t appreciate it.
“And?”
“And I, um, just want to talk to you about that. If you don’t mind.”
“All right.” After one last look at the ocean, he turned slightly, sat up a bit, and rested his palms on his knees. Looking her right in the eyes, he said, “What did you want to say?”
She looked abashed, then finally blurted, “I’m afraid you are leading her on.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that they’ve already been through so much. The last thing either of them needs is to be hurt again.”
“Beth, are you worried about me hurting Amanda?”
“A little. I just was thinking that you’re getting ready to go back home. And she’s here.”
“Believe it or not, I had figured that out, too.”
He knew his tone was sarcastic and harsh. But what did she expect?
Beth glared at him. “Roman, I just think you need to maybe talk to Amanda.”
“We’ve been talking. As you pointed out. Over and over.”
“No, I mean really talk.”
“And say what?”
“I don’t know. Maybe that you have true feelings for her?”
He was becoming embarrassed. “We are not having this conversation, Beth.”
“I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable, but I know what my brothers are like. They’re not always all that serious about the women they date. I mean Evan is seeing three girls at the same time . . . ”
“I’m not Evan.”
“I realize that. I just don’t want her to get her feelings hurt. And I’m especially worried about her daughter’s feelings,” she said quickly, steamrolling over his protestations. “Amanda shared that Regina has only recently stopped asking about her father.”
Roman sobered. He couldn’t imagine what that poor girl thought was going to happen next. Four years old was too young to understand the concept of death. He’d purposely tread lightly around Regina. The last thing he wanted to do was create trouble for that little girl.
But then he remembered just how capable Amanda was, and what a good mother she was to Regina. And he remembered the smiles Regina had gifted him with. The way she’d acted around him, like their affection for each other was mutual.
“Shouldn’t we be letting Amanda worry about Regina’s emotions?” he said lightly. “I think she is a wonderful mother. I’m sure she can take care of her daughter without our interference.”
“I agree, but . . . ”
“I didn’t do anything besides enjoy Amanda’s company, Beth. I never tried to be more to Regina than her friend. I understand your concern, and I appreciate that. But I promise it was never my intention to hurt either of them. And I’ve been well aware that Amanda is a grown woman who’s been through a lot in her life. I think she deserves to make her own choices about her relationships. She doesn’t need our help. ”
Beth slumped, as a dawning look of agreement flared in her eyes. “Perhaps.”
“If Amanda and I never see each other again, it’s really none of your concern. And if we do continue to stay in contact, then I’ll let you know how we’re all doing emotionally.”
She finally looked shamefaced. “I guess I should’ve kept out of this.”
He nodded. “I know you meant well, but yes.”
“Sorry.”
“I have two sisters; I’m used to meddling women. But don’t create problems where there aren’t any, cousin. And please think, if you would, how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Would you really want my unasked-for advice regarding you and Paul?”
“This is different.”
“We’re still talking about feelings,” he said softly. “Private ones.”
“I’ll remember that.” Just as Beth rose to give him a brief hug, Roman noticed Amanda step out onto her patio next door.
With a rush of pleasure, he watched her instantly look over her shoulder his way just as Beth closed the door behind her. And then smile when she caught sight of him.
“Hi, Roman.”
“Hi.” He got to his feet. “Care for some company?”
“Jah, if you don’t mind staying close. Regina fell asleep while playing with her farm animals on the carpet inside. I need to wake her up soon.”
“I don’t mind. Should I come over to your patio?”
She pointed to the pair of beach chairs sitting just beyond her condominium’s white picket fence. They were in the spot he’d first seen her sitting on that very first morning.
“How about there?”
With some surprise, he realized that there was still time to make new memories. Hope filled him.
“Looks good.” Truthfully, she couldn’t have picked a more perfect spot. He knew he’d always remember his first sight of her sitting there, with the sun rising in the background.
Now in the glow of early evening, it felt especially fitting.
As he opened the little wooden gate for her, he felt as if every sense was heightened. Maybe it was because he was so close to returning to Ohio and his regular routine. But never had he expected that a vacation could pass by so quickly, or that he would feel as if he needed to hold each moment tightly, as if it were about to slip through his fingers like a drop of water.
He was going to miss this place.
As they walked, Amanda seemed to wilt a bit as they got closer to the chairs. Finally, she spoke. “So, you’re leaving tomorrow?”
“We are. When do you go back home?”
“We’ll go back sometime tomorrow or Monday. It’s time, I suppose.”
He noticed that she didn’t seem all that enthusiastic about it. She seemed just as intent on memorizing the beauty of the moment as he did.
“What’s wrong?”
Blue eyes searched his. “Are you sure you want to hear? I’m afraid it’s a little bit maudlin.”
“Of course.” He wanted to know everything about her, to hear everything she was thinking. One day, he hoped they’d be close enough so that he could tell her that.
For now, he did his best to keep things light.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked as he sat down in the bright blue Adirondack chair and relaxed.
She perched on the white chair next to his. “Well, something about getting away from my traditional routine has made me realize something. After spending the week here, away f
rom my in-laws, I’ve realized how much I’ve been living in the past. I’ve been only thinking about Wesley, and my life with him.”
Her hands clenched together in her lap, making her look almost as if she expected him to find fault with her statement.
But how could he ever fault a woman who had loved her husband dearly? “That seems only natural,” he finally said. “Your vows were meant to last a lifetime.”
“I thought so, too, but God had other plans. And Roman, even though I had promised Wesley I’d move on, I didn’t.”
“You were mourning his loss. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I was in mourning,” she agreed. “But I must admit that I never intended to mourn for years. More importantly, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t do that to Regina.”
He didn’t want to interrupt her, but he thought she was being a little hard on herself. Surely there was no right or wrong way to deal with a spouse’s passing. What a person expects to happen and what actually does are two different things. She’d loved her husband so much that she wanted to continue to honor his memory. There wasn’t anything wrong with that.
Unfolding her hands, she continued. “Lately—I mean this week—I realized that I truly do want to move forward, Roman. It’s time.”
“Good for you.” He smiled.
“Jah. Good for me.” She bit her lip. “Now all I have to do is find a way to get Wesley’s family to agree to that.”
“What are you worried about? You’ve told me that they can be attentive . . .”
“They are that. But they can be possessive, too.” The moment she said the words, she looked horrified. “Don’t get me wrong, they are wonderful people. Wunderbaar! They truly are! But I fear that they’ve forgotten that I am in my twenties. And that as much as I loved Wesley, I certainly cannot live the rest of my life as only his widow.”
Roman reflected on his own community in Berlin. Because she was a widow, with a daughter to raise, in his world, some would think it was almost her duty to eventually find a husband and a father for Regina. “Do you really think they expect that?”
Ray of Light: The Days of Redemption Series, Book Two Page 7