by Jess Bryant
He sighed and then, as if he read her mind, he shook his head, “I’m only taking you to my bed, where you belong, where you should have been all along.”
Colt picked her up easily and she let him. She cuddled into his embrace as he carried her through the apartment and to his bedroom. She curled up in his bed and let him tuck her against his side.
And she prayed that it was that easy, that they’d turned a corner in their relationship and could be together the way she so badly wanted them to be. But she knew better.
He’d taught her to expect the worst. Every time they took a step forward, he forced them to take two backwards. So she held her breath and waited for the other shoe to drop… and it didn’t even take until sunrise this time.
Chapter Thirteen
He had no idea how much time had passed. No clue how long he had been staring at the ceiling, watching his fan loop lazy circles in the dark. But no matter how tight he held Skylar, how deep she cuddled into him or how much he focused on her even, steady breathing, he knew that peace wouldn’t come.
Not tonight. Not sober. His demons were prowling and he could feel them just beneath his skin. They’d been scratching at the surface all day and nothing could quiet them now that Skylar had said those three awful amazing words.
Colt swallowed past the terror that tightened his throat. It was the fear that gripped him tight and wouldn’t let him go. If it had just been anger or doubt or self-loathing he could have dealt with that, he had a lifetime of experience with those, but this bone deep fear was new.
He’d grown up scared. He wasn’t the kind of man that lied to himself about that. He’d been scared of Decker and his drunk fists. He’d been scared of Chrissy and her confused ramblings. But even when he was a kid he hadn’t been scared for himself.
He’d worried about Cash. He’d worried about being big enough to protect him. He’d worried about being strong enough to stand in front of him. He’d been scared that he would let his twin down the same way everyone else that should have looked after him had let them both down.
Worrying about the people he loved was embedded in his DNA. Maybe he’d been born that way. He’d come out of the womb fighting and he hadn’t stopped since. His entire life he’d tried to take care of Cash, protect him, shield him, keep him safe.
But all of that worry, all of his fears, paled in comparison to the terror he felt when he thought about hurting Skylar.
She loved him. Fuck. How had he let this happen? And why did it send equal amounts of warmth and cold seeping into that giant hole inside of him that nothing had ever been able to fill?
She couldn’t love him. She just couldn’t. God knew she shouldn’t.
He was a mess. He was mean. He was rude and crude. He was violent. And some days, when he was feeling particularly on edge and his emotions were whipping through extremes he sometimes thought he was just as mentally damaged as his father claimed he was.
He wasn’t a smart man. He’d barely passed high school and he’d had neither the money nor the brains to pursue college. He wasn’t someone that would ever care about the economy or the politics that ran it. He couldn’t even hack half the intelligence it took to work one of those rigs that Skylar’s daddy ran.
The reminder that she was a Holland made his guts clench. If his last name was synonymous with trouble in their small hometown then hers rhymed with money, power and prestige. She came from a good family and he didn’t. She had options and he never had and never would. She was an angel and he was a born and bred hellion.
He wasn’t good enough for her. He knew that. He’d always known that. But even knowing that he might never be good enough for her, he wanted her.
She loved him and damn him to hell but he wanted her love. He wanted to keep her. He’d come to terms with that today when he saw her with another man and wanted to rip his heart out. Skylar was his. His shot at something better. He wanted to earn her love and have the chance for that someday that he dreamed about with her.
But it couldn’t be today.
Colt scrubbed a hand over his face and then slowly and carefully slipped out of the bed. He didn’t want to wake her. Not yet. Not until he figured out just how much he could tell her. Not until he found the words to explain that no matter how much he wanted her, his need to keep her safe trumped it.
He pulled a pair of clean boxers from the stack of laundry on his dresser and then silently slipped down the hallway. He’d never been so glad that Cash was out of town than he was when he got a glimpse of the apartment. His and Skylar’s clothes were littered all over the floor. He’d picked up Cash and Jemma’s more than once but he didn’t like the idea of his twin and Skylar’s best friend knowing what he’d done to her tonight.
The table was shoved against the wall and the memory of how roughly he’d taken Skylar against it made him a little sick. The way he’d crudely shoved her to her knees and demanded she suck him off had him wincing.
He’d fucked her. Rough. Hard. Used her body to fulfill his needs. And if he was honest with himself, he’d tried to scare her with just how much he wanted her. He’d tried to push her too far. He’d fallen off the cliff and he’d dragged her down with him like he’d sworn he would never do.
At least, that’s what he’d thought was happening right up until she responded to every touch with passion and desire. Until she’d begged him for more. Until she’d broken through all of his walls and destroyed everything he thought he knew about her, about him, about them.
She was his perfect match in every way. They might be complete opposites in some regards but in others they were exactly the same. When it came to their friends and family, to their hearts, they were both fighters. And really, when he thought about that, he knew that fighting each other was completely pointless.
They wanted the same things. Each other. Happiness. Peace. Freedom to be themselves. And to protect the people they loved.
She loved him. Maybe she’d admitted it in the heat of passion. Maybe she’d just known how badly he needed to hear her say it out loud. But he’d seen the truth of it in her eyes, felt it in her touch, in her kiss. She’d trusted him with her body and then she’d handed him her heart as well and he knew without a doubt that he didn’t deserve that kind of trust.
Because he would break it if he had to. If it meant protecting her, he would. He’d choose her life over her heart every time. She could live with a little heartbreak. Hell, she’d overcome so much already. She would get over it if he broke her heart. He might never survive it but he would choose her over himself. He only hoped it didn’t come to that.
Colt picked up their clothes and carried them back to the bedroom as quietly as he could. The shitty old apartment creaked with his every move but since Skylar lived next door he hoped she was used to sleeping through these kind of noises. He smiled when he saw that she hadn’t moved from where she’d curled up with his pillow when he left.
God she was beautiful and in his heart he knew that she was right where she was supposed to be. Her golden hair was spread across his pillow. Her pretty face peaceful in sleep. The blanket concealed her small body but just knowing she was naked in his sheets made his blood hot. Here, like this, it was impossible to deny that she was his and he didn’t want to.
From the moment he’d convinced her to talk to him last year, he’d known that this was inevitable. They’d known one another in school of course. It would have been impossible to miss the beautiful blond even if her constant trips to the hospital hadn’t been regular gossip fodder. But they’d never traveled in the same circles, not even when Jemma and Cash were dating. And after Cash broke Jemma’s heart, as her best friend, Skylar had gone out of her way to avoid them both.
When he’d first approached her, it had only been in an effort to smooth things over because he’d bought the space next to her salon. He’d told himself that they needed to at least be civil since they lived and worked next door to each other. But then he’d seen her for the first time, really s
een her, close up, as a woman, and his body had betrayed him.
He’d wanted her right then and there, that first day on the street when she’d ripped into him for being an arrogant ass and a bullying bastard simultaneously. He’d been entranced by her feisty spirit and refusal to back down when he called her out for lumping him in with the rest of his family members. Looking back, he may have fallen in love with her right then and there.
Because he did love her. It scared the hell out of him. He had no idea how to voice it or even admit it but he did. He loved her but that word meant something different to him than it did normal people. It meant hurt and pain and he was usually the one left wanting. He didn’t want to reduce their relationship to that, didn’t want to break her the way he’d been broken.
So he hadn’t told her and he wouldn’t, not until he figured out how to be free of his familial responsibilities, to be the man that she deserved, not until being with him wouldn’t be a threat to her very well being.
He wanted to crawl back into the bed beside her. He wanted to hold her and forget all of the reasons it was a bad idea. He wanted to get lost in her again and ignore the fact that having her here put her at risk. But needing to protect her would always be more important than touching her so instead of sliding back in beside her, where he wanted so badly to belong, he perched on the windowsill and watched her sleep.
Only, he had barely gotten settled when her lids flipped up and he was met with two sharp blue eyes. He sucked in a startled breath. Not asleep. She was awake and he hadn’t worked out what he was going to say to her yet.
Skylar’s long lashes fluttered, “You came back.”
“Of course I came back. It’s my place.” He frowned when she shrugged as if it had really been a question, as if he would really leave her here after what they’d shared tonight. Then he remembered he’d done just that yesterday and sighed. “I went to pick up our clothes. I thought you were asleep.”
“I’m not.”
“I see that.”
She bit her lip and slowly sat up, pulling the sheet up around her naked breasts, “You looked like you were thinking something pretty serious there. Want to talk about it?”
God, she knew him so well. When had that happened? How had that happened? Usually he kept people at arm’s length. He threw them off with his changes in moods until eventually they stopped trying to figure him out. But not Skylar.
“I was thinking about that day on the street when I first approached you outside Split Ends.”
Her head tilted slightly, “You mean the first time we fought?”
His lips twitched, “Argued. I don’t like using the term fight when it comes to you.”
“Oh, it was definitely a fight.” She smiled softly, “I yelled at you, called you every name in the book and told you if you knew what was good for you then you’d keep your distance.”
“I knew what was good for me and it wasn’t staying away from you.”
Skylar’s answering smile to that admission made it more than worth it. She lit up. Her eyes sparkled and he wanted more than anything to go to her when she tucked her legs up and patted the empty space beside her, asking him to come back to bed with her. It took everything in him to shake his head and force out the words that would ruin the moment.
“But it would be better for you if I stayed away now.”
Skylar’s smile dimmed slowly, “What?”
“I need you to give me some time, Sky.”
“I.. but… what does that mean?”
“It means I need some time before we take this any further than tonight.” He winced when she recoiled as if he’d physically shoved her away, “I want you. You know that, or at least I hope you do by now. It’s you. It’s always been you for me.”
“But?” She prompted, her voice carefully even.
“But it isn’t safe for you to be with me right now.”
“Safe? Are you kidding me? You’re really going to use my safety as your excuse?”
“It’s not an excuse, Skylar.” He groaned at her incredulity, “My shop was attacked. Yours was hit simply for being in close proximity. It would go down the same way if they came after me and you were at my side.”
“Colt, that’s ridiculous!”
“Maybe, but that’s my life right now. There are people out there that want to hurt me and if they figure out how much you mean to me, they’ll use you to do it. I won’t let that happen. I can’t.”
Skylar opened her mouth, shut it again, and he watched her brows furrow. Colt swallowed past the lump in his throat. He hated that he had to push her away again, especially after what she had said earlier. He pushed her away to protect her but he only ended up hurting her when he did it. A little heartache was better than what his enemies would do to her though.
“I can’t put you in harm’s way. Don’t ask me to. I want to be with you but not if it puts you at risk.”
“Don’t you think that’s my choice?”
“Maybe. But it’s also mine.”
She blew out a rough breath, “So you’re pushing me away again.”
“For your own good, Sky.”
“It’s always been for my own good though right? That’s what you tell yourself. But what if what’s good for me is being with you? I told you I love you and I meant it. You can’t expect me to just walk away.”
He was silent because he’d known that this wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. He’d known that it was going to be a fight. But hearing her say that she loved him again hit him hard. He loved her too and loving her meant that he had to keep her safe.
Skylar finally met his eyes again after a long minute, “You said you needed more time. How much? How long do you expect me to sit on the sidelines and wait for you?”
“I don’t know.” He winced when she rolled her eyes, “I know that’s not fair but it’s true. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know how long it’ll be until you’ll feel safe being with me? Or you don’t know how long it’ll be until this threat is handled? Or is it bigger than that, Colt? Is it because you don’t know how long it’ll be until you can get out from under whatever it is Lincoln holds over your head that keeps you tied to your family?”
All of the air hardened in his lungs. He searched her face but there wasn’t a shred of doubt there. She hadn’t been guessing. She hadn’t gotten a lucky strike off a wild statement. She knew. He didn’t know how or when she’d figured it out, didn’t know the extent of what she’d put together but she knew the secret he kept from everyone, including Cash.
“What do you know about me and Lincoln?”
She snorted, “That’s what you’re worried about? We’re talking about us, finally, and you want to get sidetracked with the same old family bullshit that always drags you down. That figures.”
“Sky.” He growled a warning and she threw her hands up.
“You work for Lincoln. I don’t know how or where or why but you do.”
“Who told you that?”
“Nobody told me that.” She pursed her lips, “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out you two have business together. You’re always huddled up talking and you stop whenever anyone else comes around.”
“I don’t work for Lincoln.”
He didn’t. Not technically. But fuck, that felt like a lie and it burned his throat.
“Fine. Maybe you work with him. The fact is, he comes around and then you get all snarly. Shortly after that you usually disappear for a few hours. Most of the time you come back bloody and bruised. I figure you fight for him in that gambling ring your cousin Abel runs but since you’re a tight-lipped bunch I’ve never been able to discern exactly where or when those go down to prove it.”
Colt was having trouble breathing. All of the air had been sucked out of the room. Not only had Skylar put together that he was involved in the family business because of something Lincoln was holding over his head, she’d also figured out that he fought for him as well. And Jesus,
he felt sick to his stomach thinking about Skylar digging around, trying to find out more about those fights, and who she would have gone to for information.
“Have you run any of this by Cash?”
Skylar’s eyes softened and he realized that she’d been expecting some kind of denial. She’d wanted him to tell her she was wrong. She’d been hoping for it actually but his question proved everything she had said right.
“No. He doesn’t seem to know what sort of trouble you’re into so I kept my hunch to myself.”
“Thank you.” He blew out a relieved breath.
Cash didn’t know. Thank God. It was a small blessing though because he had a feeling if Skylar had figured it out that Jemma wasn’t far behind. The feisty redhead was smart and as soon as she got over the distraction of her happily ever after she’d start poking at his life and trying to figure him out just like she had his brother. It was only a matter of time.
“Don’t thank me. I haven’t told him. Yet. But in exchange, I want you to tell me exactly what’s going on.” She shook her head when he started to cut her off, “I need to know how deep you’re in with Lincoln’s crew. And I want to know what your exit strategy is because I know you and you’re not a bad man so I know you’re not doing this, whatever this is, because you want to. You’re better than your last name. You always have been. So tell me the truth and maybe I can help.”
“You can’t help.”
Just the thought of Skylar anywhere near Lincoln made every hair on his body stand on end. He was still trying to come to terms with her digging around for information. Surely she hadn’t gone to Lincoln directly. His cousin would have told him, would have gotten a sick kick out of it. But if she’d talked to any of the other guys, why hadn’t they told him?
“Colt. Start talking.”
He groaned. Right. She wanted answers. He scrubbed a hand over his face and decided if he was really going to do this, tell her his secrets, then he might as well start at the beginning. Get it all off his chest. Everything that he’d never told anyone. If he told her all of it and she still stuck around, well maybe he really could trust her and love her the way he wanted to.