by Jess Bryant
Colt had spent most of his life trying to take care of Cash. It hadn’t mattered that they were the same age. In fact, he’d once told her that despite being twins he considered himself the big brother. He was Cash’s protector and even though they were grown men, that hadn’t changed. Just a couple of months ago, when Jemma had been threatened by her abusive ex, Colt had taken it onto himself to handle it so that his twin didn’t get into any trouble.
And the way he’d tried to protect her, that had been crazy, over the top and unnecessary but it only spoke to what a good man he was. He’d known his life was dangerous as long as he was involved with Lincoln and he’d kept her at arm’s length to keep her safe. He hadn’t even allowed her to be in the shop whenever his cousin visited him to talk business. He hadn’t wanted any part of that world touching her.
He took care of people. It was what he did. But it was time somebody took care of him in return and that was going to be her.
She took a deep breath and then pushed herself out of her car. She headed towards her own apartment. She intended to take a quick shower, grab an extra set of clothes to sleep in and then she would head back over to Colt’s for the night.
She hadn’t spent a night in her bed all weekend and she didn’t miss it. Home wasn’t just a place. It was a person. And at this point, after the chaotic last week, she wasn’t even sure she could sleep alone anymore and hoped she wouldn’t have to.
She loved sleeping with Colt. Even if all they did was sleep. He’d tried to get handsy this morning in the shower, proof positive that he was feeling more like himself, but she’d shut him down. She doubted her ability to put him off much longer but even if they did have to go without sex for a while longer due to his injuries she wouldn’t complain as long as she got to wake up next to him.
Waking up in Colt’s arms was heaven. Being surrounded by his masculine heat and scent drove her crazy but it was also soothing. Reassuring. Because she’d known that he would be there when she woke up. She hadn’t been sleeping well but that had nothing to do with her bedmate. That was her own guilty conscience keeping her awake, knowing she had to tell him what she’d agreed to, soon, before someone else did.
Skylar sighed and busied herself finding the key to her apartment. Her stomach grumbled and she ignored it. She’d contemplated calling in a pizza for dinner but since she didn’t know who all was hanging out with Colt today she figured she’d better wait to make sure she got enough for everyone.
The apartment had basically become a swinging door over the weekend. Tons of people stopped in to check on Colt. Cash and Jemma and Remy were all mainstays of course but there were a lot of other familiar faces concerned about Colt as well. Nessa came by daily to check on her patient, usually accompanied by at least one Bomar boy, sometimes more. Skylar had seen each and every one of Auto’s boys swing through at some point and almost all of the Bible Bomars had stopped in as well. In all honesty, the swell of people hadn’t surprised her. For a man that claimed not to trust anyone and who kept most people at arm’s length, Colt was still a Bomar and they were incredibly loyal to their own despite all their other flaws.
She was still thinking about her run in with Abel Bomar, the eldest of the Bible Bomars, when she slid her key into the lock and twisted. She’d never officially met Abel before yesterday and she almost wished she still hadn’t experienced that displeasure. Lincoln was supposed to be the scariest mo-fo of the bunch but in her humble opinion, he had nothing on his scarred, fighter cousin that had seemed none too happy about Remy taking Colt’s spot in the cage. Because she was still thinking about their meeting, she barely realized the door had been unlocked until it twisted in her hand.
Strange. She’d have sworn Jemma said she was going to visit her mom after work today. Colt had long since kicked her mothering, overprotective ass out of the apartment next door. His words, not hers.
Skylar called out as she stepped inside, “Hey, Jem. I thought you were…”
She trailed off when she walked into her apartment and saw the figure sitting on her couch. She gasped and her hand shot up to her mouth to cover a shout. Since the door had been unlocked she’d assumed Jemma must be home but it wasn’t her tiny, redheaded friend at all.
“Oh my God!” She tried to slow her racing heart, “You scared the hell out of me.” She dropped her purse into the recliner and shut the door behind her when her guest didn’t move, “What are you doing up? You’re supposed to be in bed. I was coming over after I finished up my…”
“After you finished your errands?” Colt cut her off with a growl.
Skylar stopped in her tracks at the venom in his voice. His mere presence in her apartment had surprised her. She’d assumed he got tired of sitting around in bed all day since he’d been complaining about getting up before she left earlier. But from the tone of his voice she knew she wasn’t just dealing with Frustrated Colt.
“Uh, yeah?”
He snorted, “What kind of errands were you runnin’ Skylar?”
She rounded the chair and studied him intently. His eyes were narrowed and barely banked fury burned just behind them. She swallowed hard as her concern immediately turned to wariness. She’d given a lot of thought to how she was going to tell him what she’d done but from the looks of it, someone had beat her to it. She couldn’t imagine there was anything else that would have made him so angry.
Skylar sighed, knowing there was no use denying it if that were the case. She was going to tell him anyway. She’d just wanted more time to come up with an argument that might dampen some of his anger. Her time was up so she simply steeled herself for the fight she knew was coming.
“I went to the bank to transfer some money and sign some paperwork.” She ignored the way his jaw twitched, “I bought Lincoln out so he can’t hold Fine Lines over your head anymore.”
Colt slammed his fist into the coffee table before shooting to his feet, “Goddamnit Skylar! You had no right to do something like that!”
She frowned, “I had to do something.”
“Bullshit. You didn’t have to do anything. I never asked you to get involved. I told you the other night that I had it under control.”
Anger sparked inside of her as he yelled, “Under control? Under control? Colt, you were beaten into unconsciousness. You did not have it under control!”
“I didn’t want you fuckin’ involved! You knew that. You knew I wanted to protect you from this shit.”
“So you’re allowed to protect the people you love but I’m not?”
“What?” Colt growled, his eyes narrowing as though it were a trick question.
“You’re allowed to protect me but I’m not allowed to protect you.”
“Damn it Sky, that’s not the issue.”
“Isn’t it though?” She softened her voice, “Nobody’s ever protected you before so you don’t expect it but that’s how relationships work when two people love each other. They take care of each other. It goes both ways.”
Colt froze and she moved towards him slowly. She wanted to rush into his arms. She wanted to wrap him in a hug and squeeze him until he put his arms around her and stopped fighting her. But she was still too worried about his injuries and too wary of his mood to make any sudden movements.
“Your parents should have protected you but they didn’t. Decker’s been trying to kill you since before you were even born. I’ve seen the scars, Colt. I know they’re burn marks. I know he physically and psychologically abused you for years.” She took another step closer, “He should have loved you and protected you but he tried to break you instead.”
Colt’s face had gone pale at the mention of his father. She didn’t know if it was from the pain of standing up and moving around with his injuries or if it was from something else. The awful memories she was bringing up maybe. The admission that she knew some of the terrible things he didn’t even admit to himself.
His back was one of the few places on his upper body that wasn’t covered in tattoos. She�
�d noticed, of course she’d noticed, but when she’d asked him about it once he’d deflected. He’d told her that he was just waiting for the right image and he hadn’t found it yet. Maybe that was true, but she’d known there was more to it and after Jemma had told her about the burn marks on Cash’s body, she’d put together what the dozens of scars were that puckered Colt’s back.
Someone had used him as an ashtray. Sick. Twisted. But true. And she’d known without a doubt that it was Decker. That son of a bitch enjoyed inflicting pain on the twins simply because he didn’t believe they were his. And if Cash had a handful of scars, it was only logical that Colt would have dozens because he’d stepped in to take twice the punishments to cover for his twin.
She knew that Colt had a tough time dealing with the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his parents. He didn’t talk about it. He didn’t even acknowledge it. But it had happened and she had a feeling the cigarette burn marks on his back were the least of the true damage.
Psychologically, he was far more scarred than he was physically. He didn’t trust. He didn’t love. He survived. It was the only thing he knew how to do.
And she hadn’t even mentioned his mother. Hadn’t mentioned that Chrissy should have protected him from Decker but hadn’t. She’d been too stoned to care about any of her sons. Only, if that were true, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt Colt and Cash so badly.
Chrissy had cared about Remy just like Decker had. Their one true son. She’d always wondered if that was Colt’s real problem with his older brother. Not that he’d left them behind to the abuse and neglect but that even when he’d been there, he’d never been a target.
“He didn’t break me.” Colt growled at her and she shook her head.
“Of course not, because you’re strong, so strong, but you never should have had to fight like that, not against your father.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. You became a protector when you were just a kid because there was nobody there to take care of you but that’s not true anymore. You have people that love you and care about you. I love you and I want to take care of you.”
“No.”
He looked so damn wary that it broke her heart. He was shaking slightly though whether that was from pain or anger, she didn’t know. He was still fighting her but his voice was barely a whisper.
She reached up and framed his face between her hands, “You can get mad at me. You can be angry all you want. You can yell at me and you can even walk away but I’m not going to let you go and I will never, ever, stand by and do nothing when I can help you. I love you and that gives me the right to protect you whenever and however I can.”
Colt stared down at her for a long moment and she thought, for just a second she thought that she’d gotten through to him. His eyes searched her face but she wasn’t sure what he was looking for this time. She stroked her hands over his cheeks, trying to offer him reassurance, but just as quickly as he’d started to lean into her he jerked away.
He turned and walked over to the window and she bit her lip, unsure if she should follow. His shoulders were heaving as if he were sucking in deep gulps of air, trying to steady himself. If she touched him now, would he recoil or would he finally give in to her?
“Colt?”
“I…” He turned back to face her and that horrible grief-stricken look was back on his face, “I can’t do this, Skylar.”
Everything inside of her twisted up into a knot. Her hands had started to shake too. Now she couldn’t cross to him because she wasn’t sure her legs would hold her.
“You’re right. We should talk later, after you’ve rested and recovered. You’re still hurting and…”
“No.” He gave a firm shake of his head, “I don’t know that I can do this. Us.”
“What?”
“I don’t know if I can do it, not like this.”
She struggled to breathe because it felt like her throat was closing off. She’d known he would be mad. She’d known he would be angry and even hurt. But she’d thought that he would understand when she explained herself. She’d never have imagined that this would be the reason he walked away from her.
She must have misunderstood him. Must have. There was no way that he was saying what she thought he was saying but she had to ask, just to make sure.
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“No.” He wiped a hand over his face and groaned, “I don’t know.”
“Colt?”
“Damnit Sky, why would you do something like this? I don’t understand. Explain it to me. You know how much I wanted to keep you separate from this Bomar shit. I didn’t want to drag you down into my hell and now you’ve made a deal with the devil.”
“You’re the one that said Lincoln’s not nearly as bad as he’s accused of being. He gave you what you needed, when you needed it and yeah, that came with strings, but what I did, doesn’t. I’m not stupid and I made sure our deal was clear. My money gets you out, for good.”
“You paid off a known criminal. That makes it dirty money. You dirtied yourself and for what?”
“For what?” She raised her eyebrows, “For you! I did it for you!”
“Exactly, and I already told you that I’m not worth it.”
God they were back to this, again? She’d thought when he gave in and admitted that he wanted her, intended to be with her that they’d worked past this but now she realized how foolish she’d been. His worthless self-image was well ingrained and it was going to take a lot more than hot sex and a declaration of love to change it.
“I think you are.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not. You’re worth saving and I’d give Lincoln double, triple that amount of money to do it if I had to. The money doesn’t mean anything to me. You do.”
“I didn’t ask you to spend your money on me.”
“You didn’t have to. I offered.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
She groaned and rubbed her temples. They were getting nowhere. He didn’t think he was worth it. Fine. But it was too late to change the dollar amount on his head. It was what it was and no amount of arguing was going to change either of their minds at this point.
“I’m not going to apologize for trying to save you, Colt. You said you wanted to be free of your family. You said you wanted to put all of the Bomar bullshit behind you. I saw a chance to make that happen and I took it. It was my choice.”
“It wasn’t your choice to make. It was mine.”
“You were unconscious!” Her voice rose of its own accord and she had to consciously rein it back in, “Someone nearly beat you to death. You can’t hold it against me that I made the decision when you couldn’t. You needed out. Now. Not in some distant future. Now, before somebody else tries to kill you and don’t try to say it won’t happen again, if you honestly believed that you wouldn’t be trying so hard to keep me safe. It’s a dangerous world and it’s safer for both of us if you’re out of it.”
Colt rubbed his hand over his face again, “Okay, I get why you would do it. I just… I can’t wrap my head around how you managed it.”
“Why?”
“Because…” He held his arm out as if it were obvious, “Dragging you down with me is my worst nightmare. You’re my light, angel. If I put that out, if I darken you with my shadows… damn it, Decker couldn’t break me but that will.”
Tears sprang to life when she saw the pain of that possibility right there on his handsome face. She tried to blink them back but it was almost impossible when she could practically feel Colt’s pain as her own. Finally. She understood. Finally, his argument made sense. Twisted, painful sense but that was Colt. He saw her as an angel and no matter how many times she told him that she wasn’t, he disagreed.
She wiped at her suddenly damp cheeks, “If I’m you’re angel, then I’m allowed to save you.”
“Not like this.” He shook his head again.
“I won’t apologize for not
saving you within the confines of your fantasy.” She softened and shook her head, “Colt, please, think about this. You don’t like how I went about it? Fine. But it’s done. I can’t undo it and I wouldn’t even if it could.”
“I know.”
“Colt?”
“I know. I know I can’t ask you to apologize for something if you don’t think you’re wrong. I wouldn’t.”
She didn’t like the sound of that at all, “What does that mean for us?”
“I don’t know.” He met her gaze and the sadness she saw there scared the hell out of her. “I don’t know. I need some time to figure out how to fix this.”
“Fix it?”
“I’m going to undo it, Skylar.”
Her jaw fell open, “You’re what?”
“I’m going to find a way to undo it. Fix it. I’ll get your money back for you. You’ll be clean again and everything will go back to normal.”
She didn’t understand how he thought that was better. Didn’t understand why he would want to go back to the way things had been. She’d gotten him the only thing he had ever wanted, freedom from his family, and he was throwing it back in her face.
Nessa’s words taunted her and she felt sick to her stomach. Maybe the other woman was right. Maybe he really was addicted to the danger and the pain. Maybe he would always choose it over everything else, even her.
“There’s nothing to fix. I don’t want the money back. I don’t want to go back to how things were.”
Colt wasn’t looking at her. He was looking out the window again. Staring at what, she didn’t know. She didn’t think he was hearing her either and she had no idea how to get through to him.
She’d never seen him like this. In all the time they’d been friends, she’d never seen him lost so deep inside his own head. She wasn’t even sure why he’d come here to talk to her because he wasn’t talking to her. He was talking at her. He’d already decided on a plan of action and it was to undo all of the good she thought she had done.