by Julie Wright
Before Professor Raik could ask anything else, a small eruption of excitement came from the far end. Regents clapped and let out cheers. Soldiers, dressed in what I supposed to be soldier formal—long silvery black dusters over their silvery black pants and shoes shiny enough to be black gemstones—marched into the room. They circled the entire perimeter. My breath caught when I recognized Tag as one of the soldiers. His concentration on his performance for the regents meant he hadn’t noticed me.
“They’re magnificent!” One of the regents declared. She turned to Professor Raik. “Really, Seaver! You’ve outdone yourself with this group!”
Professor Raik nodded in recognition of her compliment. And I couldn’t help but agree with her assessment. He was magnificent. My Tag—magnificent. The near year we’d spent apart had only helped him fill out more in the shoulders. His hair was a bit longer in the back. I couldn’t help but smile while looking at him. The soldiers turned their heads toward Professor Raik as part of the program. Once facing him, they saluted. Tag’s eyes widened when he caught my glance, and he stumbled over his next few steps of marching. The soldiers all passed us bringing their weapons to their shoulders. Tag jerked his head, glancing back at me once before returning to the drill.
Professor Raik’s eyes followed Tag’s line of site to me. Professor Raik’s expression darkened briefly but smoothed out as the regents burst into applause at the soldiers’ performance.
Professor Raik knew.
He didn’t know about the notes or the friendship, but he knew emotion bubbled up in us when we were faced with each other. He knew feelings existed where feelings should not. And no amount of denial on my part would convince otherwise.
Oh Tag . . . I wish I’d stayed away from the library tonight rather than getting trapped into this dinner. But in reality, it wouldn’t have mattered. Professor Raik didn’t go to the library ever. His whole purpose in being there at the same time as me was to get me to this party.
And I was lying anyway. The joy at seeing Tag overrode my fears of what might come of this moment.
“Magnificent, Seaver!” The regent repeated as she clapped energetically with the crowds. I briefly wondered if she’d been one of the regents who recently adopted a baby from the public nurseries but shook my head. It didn’t matter. While she and several other regents had Professor Raik otherwise occupied, I caught Tag’s eye. Library, he mouthed. I nodded, slipped behind and past Raik and his regents, heading for the staircase leading up to the library. Several people commented through the evening that Professor Raik’s was one of the finest home libraries they’d ever seen. They all held this as a credit to Professor Raik’s outstanding brilliance.
In the library, I pulled out a book on the history of Einstein, and settled myself on the couch, prepared to look innocent in case anyone else showed up. My toes tapped against the plush carpet impatiently while minutes ticked away from me. I thought about checking out the window to see the ponds Professor Raik had mentioned, but worried my ring getting too close to the window would leave evidence of my presence.
I turned pages absently and didn’t read a word, my gaze slipping toward the door that remained stubbornly closed.
It startled me when the door did finally open. I averted my eyes back to the book to look like I’d been reading.
“What are you doing here?” Tag’s voice. The book tumbled to the floor in my hurry to get up. I couldn’t help it. I threw my arms around him. The act must have surprised him, or he would have likely pulled back, but he let me hold him a moment and even returned the embrace before he untangled himself from my arms.
“Why is it that the first thing you ever say to me is ‘what are you doing here?’”
“Because wherever I get to see you, it’s in places you shouldn’t be!” He stepped back to put space between us.
“Why shouldn’t I be here?” His attitude irritated me. In all this time it’d been since we’d seen each other and the only thing he could think to do was lecture me?
Tag backed away a few more steps. “Yes. I guess you should be here. I guess I should offer congratulations. I’d heard you were with Edward.”
“Who? And congratulations for what?” Surprise filled me. There were rumors about me among soldiers?
“Edward. I don’t know his last name. He trails after the professor like a dog. Professor Raik said you two were to be married.”
“Eddie?” I laughed. “Eddie married to me? Do you really think I’m that desperate?”
Tag looked confused. “So you’re not?”
“I’m not what? Desperate or marrying Eddie?”
“Don’t confuse me. Just answer the question.” He looked frustrated, annoyed, and worried.
I tried to sit back on the couch as I said, “Neither. I wouldn’t marry Eddie if my life depended on it, and I’m too busy to be desperate.”
He took hold of my hands making it impossible to sit down. He pulled me over to the desk. “Duck down under there.”
I lifted my eyebrows at him. “You want me to what?”
He grunted and rolled his eyes. “If anyone comes and sees us together, it would be bad. Especially Edward. He’d make a big deal about it, and we’d both be in a lot of trouble, me especially. If you’re already hidden, we can have a few minutes to talk without being worried.”
I ducked down, admitting to myself that Tag was right and this setup made sense. I sat cross-legged under the desk, hating how it diminished my view, I finally get to see Tag and end up only staring at his black shoes. “Why would Professor Raik tell you Eddie and I were getting married?”
Tag sat on the desk and faced the window, which irritated me since I really could only see his shoes then. But sitting there and looking out the window would make him appear innocent to anyone coming in. “I think it has something to do with your searches.”
“You know about those, too?”
He leaned over enough to look me in the eye. “Searches that seem suspicious or overly questioning of the current political system mark you as a dissenter—even if you do those searches on someone else’s lapdesk. The IDR pulses to any device used. The pulse leaves a digital fingerprint.”
I figured it had to be the IDR that ratted me out. “So you’re saying the freedom of information act is no longer valid?”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
I caught his swinging foot before it smacked me in the nose. “What about freedom of speech?”
He sighed. “I told him getting women from the any year past 1980 was a bad idea.”
“Why, because we can think for ourselves?”
“No, because you aren’t subtle.”
“What kind of dumb man would want a subtle woman? He’d always have to remember things like her birthday and anniversary on his own because she wouldn’t be in his face reminding him. Subtlety just gets men in trouble.”
He leaned over the desk and grinned at me. “Yes, well, the lack of subtlety gets questions asked when you’re trying to keep a low profile.”
“I’m sorry about your family.” Changing the subject so abruptly and to such a brutal topic could be considered heartless, but I had to say it. I’d thought it almost as many times as I thought about telling him how much I loved him. Since I couldn’t say the one, I had to say the other. Who knew when, or if, another chance would come?
His grin froze and then slowly faded into pain. His fingers curled over the lip of the desk gripping it so tightly his fingertips went white. “I’m a soldier. I have no fam—”
“Don’t!” My shout surprised even me. I crawled out from under the desk enough so I could face him. “Don’t do that Tag. You have a family. Being gone doesn’t mean they don’t exist and that they don’t belong to you. Winter is gone. I’ll never see her again, but she’s still my family. She belongs to me. Now more than ever since my memory of her is the only thing that exists. If I decided to forget, then I really would be erasing her forever. You can’t do that to them, Tag. They belong to y
ou. If you kick them out of your memory, they’re really gone.”
He didn’t answer. His jaw flexed and his eyes shimmered as though he might cry, but he didn’t cry. He stared at me and took deep breaths. I unlatched his fingers from the desk and took his hand.
“They broke the law by hiding—”
“Don’t tell me you believe in that crap? Not being willing to turn their kid over to the government to kill doesn’t make them lawbreakers. It makes them heroes.”
His eyebrows creased into each other as though the conflicting emotions were colliding inside his head.
“She didn’t hold me hostage,” he whispered. “No matter what you might have read, she didn’t. She was trying to protect me. My mom yelled at Janice and me to run. She yelled out to go and protect each other. It was the last thing I heard her say before I heard her body hit the floor. Janice was just trying to do what Mom told her and protect me from them. She would never have hurt me. She wouldn’t have hurt anyone.”
Janice. The name he’d cried out when we’d been together in that house.
I opened my mouth to offer him sympathy—something that might take the ache from his voice, but the door burst open.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Tag’s hand released mine with a shove. I scooted back into the darkness under the desk, my heart thudding hard against my chest.
Tag stayed on the desk, but I could tell from the way his feet shifted that he’d swiveled to see who’d come in.
There was a thin gap between the lip of the desk and the backing that hid me. I peeked out the gap to see what Tag saw.
A soldier with his weapon drawn and trained on Tag stood next to Eddie. Both Eddie and the soldier looked confused as their eyes roved over the room. With them backed away by the door, I had a clear view.
Tag’s voice sounded calm. “Does the professor know you’ve got your weapon drawn around one of his pets? He won’t like that, Rhett.”
The soldier’s look went from confusion to dismay. He pointed to Eddie. “He said there was a soldier in here fraternizing with one of the New Youths. Raik wouldn’t like that, either. How was I supposed to know he wasn’t playing straight with me?”
The soldier, Rhett, turned a lever on his gun that made a slight hiss as he powered down. “Sorry, Tag. We didn’t mean to—”
“Where is she?” Eddie’s interruption made Rhett grumble about New Youth stupidity.
“Give me a name, and I might be able to help you.” Tag’s even tone and casual unconcern carried over to his soldier friend. Rhett allowed himself to chuckle at Eddie, too.
“You know very well who! She’s not with everyone else!”
“Did you lose your date?” Tag asked. “It’s hardly a compliment to yourself to think she ditched you to make it with a soldier.”
“Where is she?”
“You still haven’t told me who we’re talking about. Regent Amber was in here a few moments ago. So was Mrs. Thornburg. But I don’t know where they went, so I don’t know where they are.”
“I’m talking about Summer!”
I flinched at the mention of my name. Eddie had stormed right up to the desk so that all I could see of him were the pressed creases of his pants.
“You mean the girl with Professor Raik?”
“Don’t play stupid with me!” Eddie’s manic voice had taken on a dangerous edge.
Tag laughed and slid off the desk. His legs moved away from the desk, and he wandered over to the bookshelf, where I had a better view of him. “Play stupid? With you? I hate to play games with people who clearly have the advantage.”
Eddie must not have realized he’d been slammed, but Rhett hid a chuckle in a cough. “Everyone’s watching you. You kept her away for almost a week all alone. No one trusts you. You just stay away from her. She’s my fiancée, and I won’t tolerate her being damaged by a lowlife, diseased-ridden—”
“That’s enough!” Rhett cut in. “You’ve seen for yourself. Your girlfriend’s not here. Go look somewhere else.”
Eddie stomped out of the library.
Tag waited until the door whispered closed. “Saving that guy was the biggest mistake I ever made. His blood might be fine, but his intelligence is . . . lacking.”
Lunch meat, I thought to myself.
“I’m sorry I came in here loaded,” Rhett said. “He seemed so certain. And the rules—”
“Must be obeyed.” Tag finished the sentence for him.
“I’m glad she’s not in here. You know our orders. The gun wasn’t set to tase.”
“Yes. I noticed that.”
“I wouldn’t have ex-ed you, though.” Rhett looked uncertain.
Tag smiled and shook his head. He looked tired. “Yes, you would’ve.”
Rhett shuffled his feet a moment before brightening. “No, really! You owe me money! I can’t ex you until you pay up!”
Tag laughed outright. “If that’s all it takes, I’m going to borrow money from all the guys.”
“You stumbled during drill when you saw the girl Raik’s pet is searching for. That’s why I believed him. There is something there, isn’t there? You care about her, don’t you?”
Tag’s eyes slid to my hiding place. “Of course not,” he said, his voice still casual. He settled himself on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table.
He lied. I knew he lied by the panic that raced over his features in his easy denial.
“I don’t love her. I don’t even know her. How could I?”
“I didn’t say anything about love.” Rhett grinned knowingly and dropped himself on the couch next to Tag.
Tag’s face froze in that half smile, the panic shouting from every frozen muscle. He laughed. “Well, you implied. But be realistic, I haven’t seen her for almost a year.”
More lies. They were my same lies, the ones I told Professor Raik. And yet, they hurt to hear, each denial a dagger paring off slices of my hope.
“Four days of life-threatening accidents are enough to bond any two people. Anyway, it’s not like I care,” Rhett said, yet he looked like the entire conversation interested him more than anything in the world.
Don’t trust him. Keep lying. And yet I wanted to hear something different. I wanted him to confess that he cared for me the way I cared for him. I needed to hear it like I needed air.
“Four life-threatening days that were a lot more trouble than they were worth.” Tag stood up. “We ought to get back to the party. I’m obviously not going to get any reading done with people coming in with thoughts of ex-ing me.” Tag laughed to show he was joking, but Rhett stiffened anyway. Tag held the door for Rhett and shot me a meaningful look. Only I had no idea what the look actually meant.
Did he want me to stay? Did he want me to leave? I counted to sixty, preparing to do it nine more times when I realized Tag wasn’t coming back. The danger he’d face by returning would simply be too great. I crawled out from under the desk, straightened my skirt, and raked my fingers through my hair so I wouldn’t look suspicious. I hesitated at the door, worried about what might be on the other side.
With a deep breath, I cracked the door open and peeked out. The hallway seemed empty. I hurried out of the room, down the hall, and to the bathroom.
The bathroom was a good place to hide out since, when I finally came out, no one would question what I had been doing. Anything done in a bathroom was an off-limit topic for polite conversation.
I stayed there for a long time. The knock on the door startled me. “Summer? Summer are you in there?” It was Brianna’s voice. I’d seen her earlier on the arm of Jeremy. They were likely to be the next set of marrieds from our group.
“Yeah, I’m in here.”
She made a noise that could have been either relief or exasperation. I couldn’t tell which. “Everyone’s been looking for you. You’ve got all those soldiers on edge and looking like they might start tasing people.”
I pinched my cheeks to make me look flushed and opened the door. “I�
�m sorry. I don’t feel very good, and that stupid Eddie wouldn’t stop following me around. This was the only place I could think of to hide out.”
Brianna felt my forehead. “Well, you don’t feel hot . . . maybe you’re coming down with something, though. Sorry about Eddie. You can ride home with us if you want.”
“I’d like that.”
She put an arm around me and led me back down the stairs to the party. Worried faces watched me descend the stairs, but many more faces never turned my way to look. Most seemed not to be looking for me or to even care that I’d been missing. That made me feel better. Not nearly as many people cared as Brianna had made it sound, so the disturbance upon my entrance remained slight. Tag cast a hasty glance my way, rolled his eyes, and went back to the soldier he’d been talking to.
His apathy felt like a blow to my stomach, but I couldn’t blame him. He had to act like I’d been an inconvenient part of his day. I turned my eyes away from him. Professor Raik finally swiveled from where he’d stood in heated discussion with Eddie. Eddie looked physically ill to have been receiving a tongue lashing from the professor.
Good. Serves the little punk right.
I could feel nothing but loathing toward Eddie. He’d stolen precious time away from Tag and me—time I didn’t know if we’d ever get another chance at. Brianna walked me straight to Professor Raik and Eddie.
“She was in the bathroom. She’s obviously sick so I’m going to see her home. Thank you, Professor, for a wonderful evening.”
I was grateful for her explanation. She shook the professor’s hand. Jeremy held out a wrap to put over her shoulders and during that distraction, Professor Raik said softly, “No interest in him at all?” His head inclined in Eddie’s direction slightly.
“Would you be interested in someone like that?” I asked.
He didn’t respond, and I didn’t continue the conversation, simply feeling grateful to be led away to the car waiting for Jeremy and Brianna. It took every ounce of will not to turn once more and look at Tag. My neck muscles were caught in a battle between what my heart wanted and what my brain knew to be stupid.