I turned to face him full on and wrapped his right hand between both of mine. “Of course I can forgive you because neither of us is perfect. I’m at fault here too. I probably shouldn’t even be here…”
Brendan took his free hand and began to stroke my cheek. “Is that what you think? Yes, you should be here because you are a huge part of my life. I want you in my life forever, even if that means we’re just friends. Not that it’s what I want, but I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all.”
Perhaps it was the wine, or the music, or a moment of temporary insanity but this time, I was the one breaking all the rules. I drew him in and kissed him so deeply that our first embrace paled in comparison.
When the kiss was over, Brendan and I looked into each other’s eyes and broke out in laughter, covering our mouths so we wouldn’t get too loud.
“Shh, shh, shh,” I tried to say through my giggles. “We’re going to wake up Daren, and then we’ll really be in trouble. Speaking of trouble, what time is it?” I turned around to face the mantle clock and gasped out loud.
“Brendan, it’s 3:30 in the morning! You have to take me home. Dad is going to be up for work soon, and if I’m not home when he gets up, it’s not gonna be pretty.”
“God, baby, I’m sorry. I was having so much fun I didn’t realize how late it’d gotten. Let me grab my wallet, and I’ll take you home.” He stood up and then leaned back down to give me a quick peck on the lips. I gathered my things, slipped my shoes back on and met Brendan at the front door.
“Okay, let’s go.”
There’s something about the city in the wee hours of the morning that seems so romantic and dream-like. During that half hour drive from his house to mine, Brendan and I didn’t speak much. We didn’t have to. Somehow all of the bad memories went away; it was just Brendan and me, holding hands, and being in love.
We pulled up to my house all too soon. I undid my seat belt and leaned over to give him another quick kiss.
“Thank you for a wonderful evening.”
Brendan tried to pull me into a deeper kiss, but I pushed him away.
“My dad, remember?” He nodded, kissed my hand and said goodbye.
“Call me tomorrow, okay?” I requested. His smile was all the reassurance I needed.
I hopped out of the car and made my way to the front door. Just as I put the key in the lock and turned it, I saw a light come on near the back of the house.
Uh-oh, I thought. Dad’s awake. Brendan had not pulled away yet so I whipped around to wave and walked into the house.
“How nice of you to come home, Janessa,” Dad spat. I could tell that he was livid, and any defense that I tried was not going to work. Rather than make excuses, I simply told him that time had gotten away from me, and I did not realize it was so late.
Dad rolled his eyes and turned for the kitchen to pack his lunch. I took that as my cue to go to bed.
I was so exhausted from the day’s events that sleep came rather quickly. But not before thinking about those kisses.
Brendan impressed me over the next two weeks. We hung out together, but he was also managing to save time for Daren and their budding relationship. He hadn’t even tried to kiss me after that night at his place. And that’s why I was so surprised when I got the news.
“Hello?” I answered the telephone.
“Janessa, it’s me,” Brendan said. “I really need to talk to you. Can you come over to my mom’s place?”
“Um, right now? I don’t know if Mom will let me but I can ask. What’s going on?”
Brendan let out a long, troubled sigh. “I’d really rather tell you in person. Please, Janessa, just try your best to come. It’s really important.”
I hung up the phone and immediately went to where Mom was sitting in the living room. For a moment I thought about lying to her and simply telling her I was going for a walk, but I knew being honest was more important right now. I explained to her about the phone call and requested permission to walk over to Grandma Nancy’s.
Mom agreed to let me go and said she would pick me up in a few hours so I wouldn’t have to walk home in the dark. I kissed her goodbye and headed out the door.
It seemed the walk to Grandma’s took longer than usual. I was very curious to know what Brendan wanted to talk to me about. My mind had time to wander as I took the familiar path.
Perhaps he and Daren were talking about having a commitment ceremony, a wedding of sorts to show their friends and family that they vowed to be life partners. I would be happy for both of them and attend the ceremony with bells on, as they say. My heart would be breaking a bit, but I would do it for Brendan and his new love.
As I continued up Spring Grove Avenue, I could see the front of Grandma’s house coming. I crossed Nevada Street and was prepared to go through the fence when I saw Brendan pacing on the back porch. He turned to face me just as I was closing and latching the gate behind me. I could tell my heartbreaking fantasy was not the reason he had called me here. I met him on the porch.
“Brendan? What is it? What’s the matter?”
“Daren, that’s what! That bastard! Do you want to know what he did? What he said to me? He told me I couldn’t be your friend anymore. He said I was spending too much time with you. That there’s no way I’m over you.”
My breath caught in my throat for a moment. Brendan rambled on.
“I told him he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about and I could spend time with whoever I damn well pleased. We aren’t married, you know, so I don’t care what he says. And then he gave me an ultimatum. A freaking ultimatum! He told me I had to pick between you and him. So I asked him if he was sure that’s what he wanted me to do, because it wasn’t going to be him. And then he kicked me out of the house.”
I didn’t know what to say; there was so much to process. Here was this man I had already fallen back in love with, giving me an open invitation for us to be together. Accepting that invitation could be disastrous; then again, it seemed Brendan had learned a few lessons in the past couple of years.
But what if he hadn't? What if the past several months had just been sand passing through the proverbial hour-glass? I already had so many questions, and yet this issue was bigger than just the two of us. I had to think about my family: what would they think? What would they do? Plus, I was headed to college in just a few weeks. And then there was the disease.
Oh my God, the disease. How could I have forgotten that no matter what else was true, no matter how my family felt, or how much Brendan might have changed, the fact remained that he was HIV positive?
I knew I could live with his status; after all, I had already put up with so much when it had come to Brendan. I just wasn't sure how accepted he would be in the other aspects of my life. My parents didn’t approve of him before, so I knew it was going to be worse this time around. My church family, although very accepting for the most part, would not be pleased. On top of that, I was headed to an ultra-conservative, very religious university where a “normal” boyfriend would not be accepted, let alone the one I was considering.
All of these thoughts ran through my head while Brendan continued to pace on the porch. Once in a while he would stop, look at me, sigh, and then go back to his nervous routine. I felt like he was waiting for me to say or do something, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. What I did know was that I wanted to be honest with him about what I was feeling which meant we had some talking to do.
I sat down on the steps and patted the spot next to me. “Sit down,” I suggested.
Taking my advice, Brendan sat down and grabbed my hand. “I'm sorry about all that, I'm just so angry at him.”
“I know you are, and it's very understandable. It makes me mad too,” I admitted. “And it isn't just because he hurt you. His decision to make you choose, and your decision to choose me puts me in a tough spot. Have you even thought of that?”
For the first time in several minutes, Brendan looked at me. I was not angry wit
h him, but I needed him to know where I stood, how I felt.
“You’re right. I haven’t thought of that.” He stroked my cheek with his free hand. “Why don’t you tell me?”
“It’s just not that simple, you know,” I began. “I can’t say we can be together and everything is going to be okay. What if it’s not? What if my family freaks out when things are going well again? And I’m leaving soon, Brendan. I’m going to be three hours away, so what kind of relationship can we have?”
“Hey, hey, don’t cry, baby. We’re going to figure this out.”
Funny thing was I didn’t even know I was crying until he said something about it. I wiped the tear away and continued.
“This isn’t a decision I can go into lightly, that’s all. There are a lot of things for me to think about. And must I remind you that you have HIV? That’s a big deal!”
Brendan let go of my hand vigorously. “No, you don’t have to remind me! I’m well aware of my status, thank you very much.” He stood and walked down the steps toward the yard, hanging his head as he went.
I sat there for a moment longer, my head in my hands. Upsetting him was not my intention, but that’s obviously what had happened. When I looked up, Brendan was about ten feet in front of me at the edge of the above-ground pool. I got up, walked toward him silently and slid both arms around his waist, resting my right cheek on his back. The tears were coming more quickly now.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Brendan unclasped my hands from around him and turned around to face me, sighing heavily. “I know you didn’t mean it, at least not the way it sounded. Like I said, we’re going to figure this out.”
He raised my chin and gave me a quick peck on the lips. “Can we figure it out together? Can we be together again?”
“I think so, I’m just not sure how.” I looked him in the eye. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
From the moment I’d walked in the gate, my world had been traveling at ninety miles an hour; I hadn’t even taken the time to look at my watch. Once I did, I realized there was still time before Mom was to pick me up. Though Brendan and I had plenty to talk about, neither of us spoke again for several minutes. Could it be that he had as much to think about as I did? Or was he basking in the glory of catching me in his net again?
Sitting there with him, I had to think about how Aimee would feel about all of this. She never had approved of my relationship with Brendan, not that I could blame her; she loved me and wanted only the best for me. Clearly her uncle did not fit the bill, and telling myself otherwise was just another lie.
So then why was I even here? I'd had so many chances to get away and yet every time I had come back to him. I was beginning to wonder if it was a pull he had on me, or if it was something else: something wrong with me perhaps. Did I need him? Did I want him? Was he filling a void? Or was it just an inexplicable addiction, when you've got to have something but you don't know why...
Brendan was the first one to speak. “So, what now?”
What I really wanted to do was scream at him. To tell him I didn’t know what we were going to do, that I was sick of being the responsible one in this relationship; sick of being the one who makes all the decisions. But, as usual, I gave in.
“Now,” I began as I grabbed his hand. “We take one day at a time. We spend time together; get to know each other again. It bears repeating: I’m not the same girl you left here two years ago, and I doubt that you are the same man. We have some work to do, but first I need some time to think. I can’t just make this decision out of the blue.”
Surprisingly, Brendan told me to take all the time I need. “Just promise to call me when you reach a decision,” he urged.
Just then I saw Mom pull up out of the corner of my eye. I squeezed his hand before letting go to place my palm against his cheek.
“I will,” I pledged before giving him a quick peck and then walking away.
A fake smile plagued my face when I got in the car.
“Everything all right, honey?”
“Yes, he was just upset with Daren and needed a friend. No big deal, really,” I lied. I looked over at Brendan. He was sitting on the porch where I’d left him, staring a hole into my soul. I gave him a smile, and he returned the sentiment with a quick wink.
“That’s good. I’m glad that everything is going to work out,” Mom replied with a little worry in her voice.
Over the next five hours, I went through both scenarios. If I said no, both Brendan and I would be heartbroken, but I’d been there before. Then again, saying no would make everyone else happy, and I’d gotten used to having low drama in my life the past two years.
I wanted to pretend that telling him yes was going to take care of everything, however that was just another lie. But that draw...I didn’t have the means to get away from it. I could feel myself being sucked back in with every hour that passed. It was a classic case of head versus heart, knowing what was best for me and then doing the opposite.
I picked up the phone and dialed Grandma’s number. I had always been transparent when it came to Brendan, and this was no different. The moment he heard my voice, it was obvious which answer I was going to give him.
“Everything’s going to be okay, baby, I promise you that. You know you can count on me, right?”
I didn’t answer at first. I knew he was not to be trusted, not to be counted upon. I also knew the pain was coming. I was only putting off the inevitable. But I really did want to try and make this work, and it seemed like he wanted the same thing.
“Yes, I know,” I finally choked out.
After we hung up the phone, I sat and thought about how heavy my heart was at that moment. I still wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision, but I didn’t know how to go back now. It was like we were stuck together, two magnets that had to be joined when we were in the same vicinity. And although I’d done fairly well on my own, there were still so many parts of me that did not want to be without Brendan. I was drawn to him. He was the flame and I was the pathetic little moth.
A couple of weeks later, my bedroom had been turned into a beauty parlor. Hannah and Natalie, Brendan’s nieces, had come to my house to help me prepare for my eighteenth birthday party Brendan was throwing. He would not tell me anything about it except he would pick me up at 5 that night. In the meantime, I showered and put on my robe so the girls could help me get ready.
Over the next hour I sat praying the girls were making me look cute and not hideous (with a 13 and 11 year old doing your make-up, one can never be sure). They did my hair, painted my nails, and even picked out my clothes.
I took a deep breath before walking down the long hallway to the bathroom and looking in the mirror. When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised; the girls had done a wonderful job with my makeover. My long blonde hair was pulled up at the sides, leaving the length to stretch down my back. My make-up was a bit brighter than I was used to, but I was not overdone by any means. If anything, they’d helped me look older. They had selected my pearl bracelet and necklace, a graduation gift from my parents, and gold and pearl earrings for me to wear. The dress they picked was the white one I’d graduated high school in just a few weeks prior. I looked very pretty.
Hannah and Nicole cleaned up my room and gathered their things while I slipped on my shoes. It seemed that the moment the clock hit five, Brendan was there to pick up the three of us. I could sense him watching me as we came out the front door and walked down the steps. He got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side.
“Wow, you look gorgeous,” he exclaimed before giving me a kiss.
“Thank you. I can’t take any of the credit, though. Your nieces were completely in charge.”
I heard them giggle appreciatively before getting in the back seat.
Brendan kissed my lips tenderly one more time before having me sit down so he could shut the door.
When he got in, I said, “You look quite handsome yourself, by the way.”
<
br /> And he did, too. He’d had a fresh haircut and shave, leaving the thinnest of mustaches above his mouth. He was wearing his favorite silk shirt with a purple and blue silk vest over it. I could tell he was proud of himself because his deep brown eyes were sparkling with anticipation for the night’s events. I had a feeling it was going to be my best birthday yet.
Brendan and I held hands in the front seat of the car as the girls went on and on about my makeover. They told Brendan every little detail.
“Did you know that Aunt Janessa’s pinkie nails are different shapes?” Natalie blurted out.
“It’s true,” Hannah added. “One of them is curved and the other one isn’t.”
“Well, you learn something new about the one you love every day, don’t you,” Brendan teased with a wink. I felt my heart skip a beat.
Grandma and Grandpa were both at the house when we arrived. I kissed Grandpa on the cheek and gave Grandma a hug while each of them told me happy birthday. I didn’t see any food but could tell that someone had been cooking; the house smelled wonderful.
“Are you ready, son?” Grandma asked Brendan. He nodded and grabbed the camera while Grandma walked over to the fridge. When she closed it and turned around, I could see that she was carrying a birthday cake. Brendan handed the camera to Grandpa and then led me to the dining room table. I sat in a chair, and he kneeled next to me.
“I can’t wait for you to see it. I hope you like it,” he said with excitement.
The cake was beautiful. It was white with peach frosting roses in one corner. Brendan’s favorite senior picture of mine was lined with more frosting close to a bottom corner. In peach frosting was written, “Happy 18thBirthday, Janessa. Love Always, Brendan”.
“Where did you have this done?” I asked him. “I didn’t know they could do that with a picture.”
“We got it at Kroger. It’s something new they are doing. So you do like it then?”
“Of course I do, it’s amazing. Thank you!”
Tough Love Page 9