I chuckled but then grew serious again.
“And then I didn’t see you for a couple of years, but you were around. Aimee and Billy talked about you once in a while, but none of it was good. I knew you were bi-sexual long before you ever told me.”
“Which brings us to the day you and Aimee came over,” he added.
There was sadness in my voice when I responded. “Yeah, and the recital, which is when it all changed for me. All of a sudden the fear and concern was gone. Maybe because I was older, I don’t know, but all the rumors—everything Aimee had warned me about—just dissipated. I knew you liked me and I wanted to give it my best shot.”
“That was a great summer, wasn’t it?” I could hear the reminiscing in his voice, could feel the sorrow for what we both knew was coming. I reached out and silently took his hand in mine, nodding in agreement, while he continued. “But I went and screwed that up. Left with no goodbye.”
“You sure did,” I affirmed, reliving the moment. “I was so lost, Brendan. I tried to continue on like you never existed, but that didn’t work, at least not in the beginning. Things got better, though. I got into my favorite school, my family was united once again, my dreams were coming true.
“Have you thought about how things have changed in the past year?” I asked him. “How much I have changed? Sometimes I don’t even know who I am any more, and that scares me.”
A couple of silent tears slid down my cheek and hit Brendan’s thumb where it was linked with mine.
“I know what I did today was wrong,” he told me. “It’s just…you aren’t the only one who was left incomplete when I went to Florida.”
“Then why did you go? Why did you pull all that crap with Tavora?”
“To give you a shot at a better life.” He turned and looked at me. “Don’t you see, baby? You’re too good for me, I’ve always known that. I didn’t want to keep screwing up your life, so I made you hate me and then I left.
“Every day I said a prayer for my heart to be unbroken. I lived my life with Justin and Greg but always thought of you. I kept tabs on you through my mom, but it wasn’t enough. I came back to Toledo and moved in with Daren, all with the purpose of reconnecting with you.”
I looked at him then, shock all over my face. I never dreamed his relationship with Daren had been a farce. It did explain, however, why it was so easy for Brendan to throw him away; Daren had never mattered to him. But I did.
“So now you know. I threatened to hurt myself today out of fear. I can’t lose you again, Janessa. I don’t think I could survive without you.”
I stood up from the swing and turned to face him, both hands extended. He slid his hands into mine and stood up with me, his eyes searching for my answer to his unspoken question.
“You don’t have to,” I whispered.
I ARRIVED AT the hospital at ten the next morning for my last day with Brendan. He was a bit frailer each day, and we all knew the time was drawing near. But even with the somber atmosphere, I tried to bring some brightness back to Brendan.
“Do you want to hear some stories from my first year of teaching?” I asked.
When he nodded, I told him about a pair of first graders in my room.
“You’d think they were an old married couple the way they carry on,” I said. “But when you figure they’ve been in special classes together since they were three, I’m sure you can imagine.”
They sound funny, he wrote.
“They are,” I said. “You’re looking tired again. Try to sleep for a while. I will stay right here.” I held his hand and sang a few of our favorite songs as he drifted in and out of sleep for the next couple of hours.
He woke up as one of the nurses came in to check on him.
“It may not be my place, but I just wanted to say you’ve got a sweet lady there,” she told Brendan and then left.
He nodded and looked over at me, his eyes even more weak than they were before. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I wiped it away quickly.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to cry today,” I told him. “I wanted this to be easy, but it’s just not.”
No, it isn’t. But I’m glad you came.
“So am I, Brendan. I always will be.”
This is goodbye, isn’t it?
I didn’t have to say any words; we both knew the answer. I nodded silently and let the tears come. I slid the chair forward and laid my head on his chest, careful to not disturb any of the wires and tubes. He rubbed my hair, and we cried together until I heard someone whisper my name. It was my mom.
“Visiting hours are almost over, honey. Before you say goodbye, can I come in for a minute?”
“Um, sure,” I said. At the same time, Brendan nodded.
“I just wanted to let you know that both Janessa’s dad and I forgive you, Brendan. Thank you for loving our little girl.” She bent over and hugged him gently.
“Don’t be too long, Ness.”
“I won’t,” I promised.
Once she was out of ear-shot, I said, “She’s pretty great, huh?”
Brendan nodded.
I walked around the end of the bed and then took both of his hands in mine. “Well, buddy, I guess I’d better get going.” My voice shook as I spoke. “Please remember everything I said last night.” I held his hands tight as I kissed him where his lips met his cheek.
“I’ll always love you, Brendan Richards.”
I turned and walked away, feeling the control slip with each step. As soon as I was secure in the closest restroom, I sank down and sobbed, letting the heaviness of the day take over for a few minutes. Then I got up, washed my face and joined the rest of the family in the ICU waiting area.
“How are you feeling, honey?” Mom asked.
“Tired, but happy that I was here.”
I turned toward Grandma Nancy. “Thank you for letting me come.”
She stepped over to hug me. “Oh Janessa, you don’t have to thank me, or any of us. We’re grateful to you. You’ve always been able to make him happy. Now go home and get some rest. You have a long drive in the morning. Aimee will call you with any news.”
“Yes ma’am.” I hugged each of them and told them I loved them before Mom and I walked away, hand in hand.
And when my visit was over, it made me smile to know Brendan was happy in his final days on earth.
FOR THE REST of the summer, my life was like an unbalanced scale. Things were good when I was with Brendan, but very stressed when I was with my parents. Little did I know it was about to get worse.
About a week later, Brendan called. He’d gotten a call from Bear asking both of us to stop by. He had bad news.
“Oh gosh, I hope the baby and Allie are all right,” I worried.
“He didn’t say, but we probably should get there soon. He was pretty upset.”
“Okay, come on over. I’ll tell my parents what’s going on in the meantime.”
We hung up, and I walked through the dining room into the living area. Mom was watching TV, and Dad was reading the paper.
“Hey, Mom, Brendan is on his way here. We need to run over to Bear and Allie’s. Is that cool?”
I saw her give my dad a look but could not tell what was being exchanged between them.
“Actually, no, that’s not cool,” Dad told me.
“I’m sorry, what?” I tried to keep respect in my voice, but I’d been floored by his comment.
“I said no, it is not okay.”
“Are you serious?” I asked but he didn’t respond. I raised my voice an octave higher in panic. “Dad?”
He peeked out from behind the corner of the paper, eyebrows raised, a silent what on his face.
“Are you for real? I can’t go?”
“I said no, didn’t I?”
This was unbelievable. I tried to explain that we wouldn’t be gone long. “It’s just a visit to see Bear and Allie, no big deal.”
“You disobeying me is a VERY big deal, young lady, so I suggest you not do it.”
“Daddy--” I began and then heard Brendan knock.
“I said no. If you choose to go out that door with him, don’t bother coming back.”
He snapped the newspaper back into its upright position. The subject was closed.
“Ugh! Whatever,” I mumbled and stomped out of the living room toward the front door, not caring about the reality of the situation.
I slammed both the front door and the gate on my way to the sidewalk, causing Brendan to look up from where he’d stood on the sidewalk.
“What’s wrong?”
“My stupid parents! Dad tried to tell me I couldn’t come with you.”
“For real? What did your mom say?”
“Nothing. She just sat there,” I told him.
“Wow, so what are you going to do?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” When he nodded, I said, “Well, then let’s go.”
We walked along Fifth Street until it hit Starr Avenue and then traveled west, crossing at the corner of Oak and Greenwood. I tried to get the past ten minutes out of my head by focusing on Bear and Allie.
“What do you think is going on? I mean, did Bear say what was up?”
Brendan shook his head. “No, he just said it was bad news. He asked if I thought you and I could come over together, and I said yeah. That was it.”
I pondered for a few seconds. Allie was due soon, but she’d had a good pregnancy. Then again, life is fragile.
“Did you press him for more information?”
“I tried, but he said he wanted to tell us in person.”
By this time, we were close enough to see Bear’s house. There was nobody sitting on the usually-busy front porch, a fact that worried me.
We walked up the steps hand-in-hand. The front door was open, and we could see Bear standing in the living room.
Surrounded by boxes.
I squeezed Brendan’s hand so he’d look at me.
Allie, I mouthed. Brendan frowned.
“Yo, dude,” Brendan called out as he opened the screen door.
Bear stepped over a box with baby stuff written on it.
“Hey man, thanks for coming.”
“Of course,” I chimed in. “What’s going on?”
Just then Allie joined us from upstairs.
“Hey, you two.” She was solemn but in good spirits otherwise.
I smiled at her. “Hey, yourself.” I let go of Brendan’s hand and reached for hers. “What is all this?”
“I’m moving back home,” she sighed. “It’s just not working between us.”
“Oh wow,” Brendan said. I knew that he was more upset than he let on. To him, they were the perfect couple. He wanted our relationship to mimic theirs. If they were breaking up, where would that leave us?
Bear asked Brendan to help him with some boxes, giving Allie and me a chance to talk. She told me the break-up was pretty amicable between them.
“We could both tell it was ending. I mean, it still sucks, but you know.” She trailed off.
“Well, yeah. Break-ups hurt, no matter what. Even when they’re for the best,” I told her. “So what about baby Celeste?”
Allie rested her hand on her belly and smiled. “I’m going to have her in Michigan. Bear and I both want him in her life, so we’ll make regular trips down to see everybody. I want her to always know we loved each other, but it just didn’t work out.” She shrugged.
“I think that’s great. It’s not always easy to be mature in a situation like this.”
She smirked a little. “One of us has to be. God knows it ain’t gonna be Bear.” Allie let out a breath and then said, “There’s something else, too, Janessa.”
I looked at her and saw that she was a bit sad.
“There’s another girl, and she’s pregnant also.”
“Oh my…oh, Allie.” I had a few questions but kept silent, waiting to see if she wanted to say more.
“Her name is Heather, and she’s due in a few months.”
I was surprised at the level of calm in her voice, but then I realized she must have known for quite a while. I was sure the anger and pain were present even if Brendan and I did not see. She’d moved past those now. She and Bear were working through it, and she had accepted it.
“So that’s why,” I said with understanding.
“The main reason, yeah. But like I said, it wasn’t working anyway.” She took my hands in hers. “It’s for the best, Janessa. I’m at peace with it.”
“I know, but damn it, I don’t want you to go!” We both laughed. “I love you, girl. Never ever forget.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t.”
We were hugging when the boys got back. I couldn’t tell for sure, but I was guessing they had talked about the same things we had. That was, until Bear told Allie there was something Brendan wanted to ask.
Allie and I looked at Brendan, waiting for him to say something. He glanced at the floor before looking at me and saying, “I haven’t even told you this, baby, but I’m worried about something.”
“Worried? About what?” Allie interjected.
“So, um, you guys know I’m HIV+.”
“Yeah, we know that. And?” Bear asked.
“Well, it’s just…you know with the baby and all…I mean what if…” Brendan stammered, and then fell silent. He couldn’t seem to get out what he was trying to say.
Allie, confused at first, had a sudden epiphany. “Brendan? Are you worried I won’t let you hold the baby?”
He was ashamed. “Yes.”
“No! No way will that ever happen. Hey, look at me. You’ve known me for what, almost a year now?”
“Right,” he agreed his voice still low from the embarrassment.
“And in that time have I ever lied to you?” Allie continued.
“No.”
“Okay, then believe me when I say your status has no effect on our friendship. When the baby and I come to visit, you’ll get to hold her just like everyone else. I swear it.”
Bear jabbed Brendan playfully in the ribs. “See, man, I told you Allie wasn’t like that.”
“Yeah, but I needed to hear it, know what I mean?”
“Next time just ask. Don’t keep it bottled up,” Allie told him.
“Okay,” Brendan promised.
“I really don’t want to do this, but I need to get home,” I spoke up.
“Oh, that’s right. You told your folks we wouldn’t be gone long, huh? Guess we’d better hit it.”
I looked at Allie. “You’ll let us know about the baby?”
“Scout’s honor,” she smiled.
There were hugs given all around and a tearful vow to get together again before I went back to school.
“Never, ever forget,” I reminded her one last time.
“Don’t worry, I won’t,” she repeated.
We were a few steps away from Bear’s house when Brendan asked if I was okay.
“I think so,” I sighed. “I mean, I’m sad for both of them--”
“No, baby, that’s not what I’m talking about.”
“That’s what I figured,” I admitted. The subject needed to be discussed, but I was trying to avoid it. I did not want to believe anything had changed, but deep down I knew better. I knew everything had changed.
I was a whirl of emotions. As sad as I was about Bear and Allie, I was more worried about my parents and their ultimatum. My nerves were eating me up. Brendan suggested I call them from a pay phone before facing them in person.
Daddy answered his customary, “Yello?”
“Hi, Dad. Can I come home?”
Daddy didn’t miss a beat. “Is he with you?”
“Yes, of course he is,” I said.
“Then I think you know my answer.”
I looked over at Brendan, who was a few feet away having a smoke. We made eye contact, and I shook my head.
“Okay, I’ll be home to get some clothes,” I told Dad before I hung the payphone receiver back on the cradle.
&
nbsp; The walk back to my parents’ house was a quiet one. I was not in the mood to talk about what I was feeling. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was feeling. I had never dreamed my relationship with Brendan would lead any of us to this moment, a moment in which my actions would cause Dad to break his most absolute promise and kick me out.
Brendan tried to be supportive by reaching for my hand, but I didn’t want him touching me. I hated myself for not possessing the strength it took to tell him goodbye. Especially at that moment, when my life was on the cusp of collapse and I had the opportunity to push him away…but I didn’t. Instead, I allowed the insecure thirteen-year-old girl I used to be rise up and take root in my eighteen-year-old body.
She was the girl who craved the attention of a man other than her daddy. Who had found someone to give it. Who was afraid to let that someone go. I was the young woman who was afraid to let her go.
As we approached the house, the conviction I felt became overwhelming, and I came to a stop.
“Baby? What’s wrong?” Brendan asked.
“I can’t do this,” I sobbed.
He grabbed my face up in both his hands. “What can’t you do?”
“Any of this. I can’t go in there, pretend everything’s okay, pack a bag and leave.”
“Come here,” he whispered and pulled me into a hug. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. Don’t you want us to be together?” When I nodded, he said, “Then you have to. You have to do this for us, okay?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “All right.”
We continued walking, holding hands this time.
“You should probably stay here,” I told Brendan when we reached the corner. I took a few deep breaths, crossed the street and walked into the house.
No words were spoken, no eye contact was made. I walked straight up to the stairs, into my room and started packing things I would need. I didn’t know how long I’d be gone but knew I could do laundry elsewhere if needed. I decided to pack three days’ worth of clothing.
On my way down the hall to the bathroom, I heard Mom’s voice.
“What did you expect her to do, Homer? He is literally waiting on the corner for her!” Her words should have stung. I wish they would have, but they didn’t. I kept walking, and the words hung in the air.
Tough Love Page 15