But this time, it felt like it wouldn’t pass. Now that I’d told her about it, I kept thinking about that phone call over and over, wishing I’d just taken the high road and hadn’t left that goddamn voice mail.
She would still be alive, and maybe we could have had a relationship someday.
Maybe it was just worse because my rocket was supposed to launch in three days.
Three fucking days.
I looked forward to it because I wanted it to be over. I wanted to see it take off into the sky and have a successful mission. Then brush off the stress and anxiety and move on. If it didn’t, I didn’t know what I would do.
“Derek?”
I didn’t even notice Emerson was there until I heard her voice. I lifted my chin and looked at her.
“Wanted to see if you’d like to come over tonight and have dinner with us.” She wore a sad look, as if she already knew what answer I would give.
I wasn’t angry with Emerson. She wasn’t the problem. I was. “I can’t. The rocket is taking off on Monday. I need to focus.”
Her eyes dropped in disappointment. “Derek, the rocket is already built. There’s nothing you can do—”
“I’m not in the mood to pretend I’m not stressed out right now. I’m in the mood to pretend everything is fine around Lizzie. I’m sorry. I just want Monday to come and go already.”
“And that’s all that’s bothering you?” she whispered.
“Yes.” Even in my worst times, I loved her as much as always. But I also wasn’t myself to love her like I usually did.
“Derek, that rocket is going to take off and soar through the sky exactly as you’ve planned—”
“You don’t know that.” I shook my head because I didn’t believe positive thoughts were enough to change the course of the future. I believed in being prepared and actively preventing disasters as the best method for accomplishing your goals. Good thoughts and prayers did nothing for me.
“Alright, maybe I don’t. But spending your time stressing about it isn’t going to change the odds. Come over and have dinner with us. You’ll feel better. I miss you.”
I looked into her bright eyes and saw the sincerity, the way she loved me no matter what my mood was. “I miss you too. But I…really want to be alone right now.”
She couldn’t hide the disappointment that slowly seeped into her features, the pain that burrowed all the way to the bone. She cleared her throat then forced herself to nod. “Alright. I’m taking Lizzie out of school on Monday because she wants to see the launch.”
“You shouldn’t—”
“She really wants to be there, Derek. Not just for her own interest, but to support you. We’re always here for you.”
I spent my Saturday checking and double-checking everything.
I treated every launch like there were astronauts inside. When the test launches went well, it usually meant the real rocket launches would go well. But if the test was a disaster…the whole thing was jinxed from the beginning.
It was definitely a bad omen.
Every inch of my dining table was covered with schematics, and the lights outside my window grew brighter and brighter as the night deepened. Emerson used to be my reason for living, but it’d been a really shitty week, and I hoped my week wasn’t about to get shittier. I withdrew into myself like I used to, my soul crawling inside my chest so it could be as safe as possible.
Ryan texted me. We’re going out. You want to come along?
I wanted to ignore him, but that would be a dick thing to do as his best man. Can’t. I’m launching on Monday.
Dude, it’s gonna be fine. Chill and have a drink with us.
I didn’t want to be around anyone right now. Next time. The worst thing I could do right now was come face-to-face with Kevin. I was wound so tight, I might beat the shit out of him the second I looked at him.
Then someone knocked on my door.
I really didn’t want to be disturbed right now, but I hoped it was Emerson because I did miss her. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but right now, I just couldn’t appreciate that.
I went to the door and saw my dad on the other side, holding a six-pack.
I was always happy to see my dad, but right now, I was a little disappointed.
He held up the beers. “They’re still cold.”
I stepped aside and let him in. “Dad, I’m happy to see you, but I’m working on something right now—”
“Working on something that you’ve already completed to the best of your ability.” He carried the beer to the dining table and folded over a paper so he could set down the drinks. “Derek, there’s nothing you can do at this point. You need to relax.” He grabbed one, twisted off the cap, and then handed it to me.
I took it and felt the condensation under my fingers before I brought it to my lips.
He opened his own before he helped himself to a seat and looked at everything that was spread out. “I’m a smart guy, but I don’t understand anything I’m looking at.”
“I’m not sure I do either.” I sat at the head of the table with my beer in hand.
He scanned everything before he turned to me. “Why don’t you walk me through it?”
“You just said you don’t understand it.”
“But maybe it’ll help you feel better about the whole thing. I’m genuinely interested anyway.”
I set my beer aside and went through everything, which took me about an hour of straight talking. But the more I got into it and fed off my father’s interested expression, the less strained it became. “I checked the joints of the boost thrusters myself, and they’re secure. The detached pod is active too, so that should work if the rocket goes haywire. But a million things can go wrong, and I just…can’t do everything. I checked every detail myself this week, but that’s not enough.”
He stared down at the papers for a while before he drank his third beer. “Derek, this is just a test launch. Why are you so wound up about it?”
“I’m always wound up about test rockets.” He didn’t know because I had never had a girlfriend any previous time, a girlfriend he could text and swap information with. No wonder why they loved Emerson. It was a way for them to keep tabs on me. “You just haven’t seen it.”
“Or maybe because you’ve been wound up so tight every single day for the last year that it was impossible to notice any difference.” He took a drink and gave me a look.
“I’m not like that anymore.”
“Lately, it seems like it.”
“Come on, I’ve got a lot of shit on my plate.” I couldn’t be a bubbly, happy guy all the time. Who the fuck was happy all the time? People went through cycles, being morose at times then positive at other times.
“I get stressed out at work all the time, and the first thing I do is go to your mom.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe Emerson tells you this stuff.”
“I ask, Derek. What’s she supposed to do? Not answer me?”
“And I’m launching rockets. It’s totally different—”
“I lose patients all the time, Derek.” He gave me a cold look. “It never gets easier, no matter how long I do it. I feel like a failure when I can’t help them, even when I did everything I possibly could to save their lives. During those times, I run to your mother, not away. I know you’re having a hard time, but don’t push your best friend away.”
I propped my chin against my hand and gave him an annoyed expression. “I appreciate the advice, but I’m in my thirties now—”
“And when you’re an old man and I’m a super-old man, I’m still gonna give you shit. Because I love you no matter what your age is. Don’t fuck this up with Emerson, alright? She’s good for you.”
“I’m not fucking it up, Dad. I just need some space, that’s all. Just until Monday is over.”
He studied me for a while. “Let’s say this rocket fails—which it won’t—what does it matter? No one is on board.”
“
It matters because I haven’t had a failed rocket since the Odyssey, and I’m not going to start now. If I make a mistake now, I’ll make a mistake later, and that means someone will die. It matters, Dad. Every little thing I do fucking matters. I don’t care if I’m human and I’m not God. That’s not an excuse. Doing my job is being one hundred percent right every single goddamn time.”
Dad just watched me, no longer angry, just subdued.
“I’m just really stressed out right now. Emerson knows I love her because I tell her every day. And she understands that no matter how happy I am, there will be difficult times. This is one of those times. I’m not pushing her away. I’m just being there for myself, which is reasonable.”
He didn’t have anything to say to that. “Everything will be fine, little man. And whether that rocket is a success or it fails, I’m still proud of you, nonetheless. I can’t believe you’re my son sometimes.”
I dropped my gaze, touched by what he said. “Thanks, Dad.”
“And I don’t mean that because you’re a rocket scientist or a best-selling author. I mean that because you care so much. You care more than anyone else. I love that you care.”
“I care because you care, Dad.”
“I know.” He gave a slight smile. “And that makes me feel like I did my job as a father.”
“You did.”
He stared at his beer for a while, letting the silence trickle by. “Lately, you’ve reminded me of the affectionate boy you used to be, and I guess I’ve enjoyed that so much that I don’t want to lose it. So, when you’re withdrawn like this, it makes me afraid I’m going to lose you…when I just got you back.”
I bowed my head, hearing the emotion in his voice. “You aren’t going to lose me, Dad. I’m still here. Just a little overwhelmed is all.”
On Sunday morning, I was back to my work, contemplating if I should drive to the lab and physically inspect the rocket myself. I intended to get there at five tomorrow so I could have some quiet time to examine everything again…even though there was nothing I could really do about it other than cancel the launch.
A knock sounded on the door.
It was probably my dad, back with more beer and deep talks. I opened the door and found Emerson and Lizzie standing there, holding trays of food. They both smiled like they were so happy to see me.
I was in just my sweatpants, and I immediately felt weird being shirtless in front of her daughter, but there was nothing I could do about it now. My eyes shifted back and forth between them, unsure what was happening.
Emerson pulled back the foil covering the dish. “We made you pumpkin spice pancakes.”
“And tater tots,” Lizzie said. “With some scrambled eggs and bacon.”
I was put on the spot and didn’t know how to react, so I pulled myself together. “Thank you.”
“We thought we could just drop these off, so you have something to eat while you work.” Emerson handed me the tray, which I was able to hold in a single hand. Lizzie placed the other in my other hand.
“We’ll see you tomorrow.” Emerson turned away with Lizzie.
“Wait.”
They both flipped back to me, like they were hoping for an invitation.
I nodded into the penthouse. “You want to eat this with me?”
Lizzie threw both of her arms in the air. “Oh, thank god. I’m starving.” She welcomed herself into my penthouse and took one of the trays on her way. She stopped when she saw all the papers on the dining table. “Whoa…”
Emerson came back to me and took the other tray, a slight smile on her lips. “I’m hungry too.” She rose on her tiptoes and kissed me on the mouth.
It was nice, comforting, like those pancakes in her hand.
She carried the tray to the kitchen where she and Lizzie plated everything so we could eat together.
I shut the door and put on a shirt before I moved to the table and started to organize everything to the other side of the table so the three of us would be able to sit and eat. Lizzie set my plate in front of me. “You like pancakes?”
I didn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I didn’t say that to her. “I love pancakes, Liz.”
She smiled then returned to the kitchen to get her plate.
After they had their food, we sat together at the table and had breakfast.
Lizzie sat across from me and looked at the paperwork in a messy pile on the other side of the table. “That’s for the rocket?”
“Yeah. Details for the different components of the rocket.” I ate everything on my plate, and I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until food was placed in front of me. I hadn’t had dinner last night. I just had beer with my dad.
“I’m excited for tomorrow,” Lizzie said. “And not just because I don’t have to go to school.”
I kept eating, hoping Lizzie would see a successful launch and not a catastrophic tragedy. I constantly told her she could do anything, but if I failed, then did my opinion really mean anything?
“I’m excited too,” Emerson said as she ate across from me. “It’s going to be a great experience.” She stared at me across the table, silently reassuring me everything would be alright, that the storm would end…and the sunshine would return.
Instead of getting there at five, I got there at three.
Couldn’t sleep anyway, so what was the point of just lying there?
I did my last-minute inspections and didn’t find anything off about anything. My team of engineers cared about their work as much as I did, which was why I hired them. I had complete faith in their abilities.
But I was also scared.
Because all it took was one insignificant error to cause significant repercussions.
The rocket was relocated to the launch site near the Atlantic Ocean, so if it failed, it would land over the water instead of on land. Boats and cruise ships were cleared from the trajectory for safety precautions, even though the likelihood of them being in the wrong place at the wrong time was unlikely.
I stayed at the facility in the control center, which had cameras everywhere so I could see the rocket at the launch site. It was thirty minutes to launch, but that would fly by in a matter of seconds because the tension in my veins was so high.
Everyone sat in a chair, but I couldn’t do that. I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, staring at the feed to see the rocket going through all the tests before the launch sequence began. There were a lot of updates to my rocket, but the biggest one was the escape pod for the dummies inside. If the rocket didn’t go well, there was always a Plan B. But it should go well…
“Whoa, this place is sick.” Lizzie’s voice came from behind me.
Some of the other crew members turned away from their computers at the sound of her voice.
I turned around and joined them in the rear of the room, seeing Emerson standing with her arm on Lizzie’s shoulders. I didn’t feel affection for them like I normally did because I was too strung out. “Hey, Liz. We need to be quiet, alright? Not a sound.”
Liz zipped her lips and gave a nod.
I turned to Emerson. “Just stay back here.”
“We’ll stay out of the way.” She kept her hand on Lizzie’s shoulders.
I turned away.
She grabbed me by the arm, pulled me back, and gave me a kiss. “We’re proud of you.”
I stared into her eyes for a moment, but I really didn’t have time for this. I had a job to do. “I love you.”
Her eyes softened. “I love you too.”
I turned around and walked back to the middle of the floor and faced the feed. “Let’s start the clock.”
After the final safety sequence, the launch began.
I stood beside the director, and we stared at the feed together, both wearing headpieces so we could hear the communications between us and the launch site.
5…4…3…2…1.
“Boosters have ignited.” I could hear the words over the comms. The TV showed the flames burning from the boo
sters, using enough fuel to fill a swimming pool in a second. “We have lift-off.”
The rocket slowly rose from the ground, lifting the weight of the capsule away from the ground and into the air. The camera feed switched, and we saw the rocket rise from the ground, moving hundreds of feet in seconds, and then disappear into the clouds. The sound of the burn was audible from the mics on the rocket.
It kept going, moving past the clouds and hitting the trajectory perfectly.
I breathed a sigh of relief because I’d lost sleep over nothing. Everything was going perfectly—
It exploded.
The trail of smoke was disrupted as one booster went in a different direction. The flames ceased, and then pieces of the rocket started to fall. The emergency capsule carrying the dummies never deployed.
I stopped breathing.
Actually stopped.
My arms dropped to my sides, and I stared in horror at the screen as my design exploded and turned into debris and smoke. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t even blink. Everyone went quiet, and some of the crew turned to look at me, as if they needed to see my reaction, see the esteemed Derek Hamilton look at his failure. “What the fuck happened? Did the capsule deploy, and we can’t see it?”
One of the guys responded on the line. “We can confirm there was no deployment. The capsule burned in the explosion.”
My hand moved over my mouth, rubbing the coarse hair of my jawline, feeling so much dread, shame, and straight-up pain. I hadn’t lost a rocket since the Odyssey, and now the rocket I’d slaved over had erupted just seconds after launch. I closed my eyes, feeling sick to my stomach, feeling like I couldn’t take another breath if I tried.
It went quiet, really quiet.
I had no orders. I had no questions. We wouldn’t know exactly what happened until we studied the data up until the point of the explosion. “Get me answers. Now.”
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Emerson
The Boy Who Has No Belief (Soulless Book 7) Page 25