“Damn it, I gotta go. Be home soon.”
There was a thud, followed by a couple of footsteps. Then he was there—my forbidden dream come to life. Still, not even his soft words or the comfort of his cool fingers along the back of my neck could stop me from throwing up.
Dry heaves filled my throat after a while, my stomach too empty to lose anything more.
“I’m never. Drinking. Again.”
He laughed softly. “That’s what they all say.”
“Can you keep it down?” Arms weak, I lifted the planter and placed it on the TV stand. “You’re too loud.”
“And miss out on the chance to baby you so you can owe me again?” He laughed once more. “Never.”
I cringed and stood, walking backward until my calves hit the couch and I sat down. Flashes of last night came back to me, making my head spin for different reasons altogether.
The club.
Max showing up at the club.
Max and me and my spectacular orgasm at the club, which then ended in the spectacular disaster of him calling me his best friend and me falling asleep on his shoulder in the car.
All of that had led to the following:
Me, walking up the stairs of my apartment, Max hovering like a shadow, only for me to make him leave the second after he unlocked my apartment door.
Me, coming inside, then grabbing my half-empty bottle of Jack.
Me, sitting on the couch, sobbing into said Jack, only to pass out in my own mess of tears.
It was definitely not one of my finer moments.
“Why are you here?” I peered at him from under my matted hair.
With a strange gleam in his eyes, he twirled a set of keys around his fingers. “Because I had to bring your car back.” Then he pointed to a plate of food I’d missed on my coffee table. “And to make you breakfast too.”
I exhaled, unwanted tears coming to my eyes over his sweetness. What sucked was that I’d messed up even worse than usual. It was becoming a pattern. Jail time, alcohol overindulgence… Golly gee, what would I do next?
“Thank you.” I leaned back against the couch, not wanting him to know that the scent of buttery pancakes wasn’t helping with my current state of woe. “I can’t believe how stupid I was last night.”
He sat next to me and brushed his knuckles against my cheek. “You just got a little lost is all. Happens to the best of us.” He smiled, the right side of his mouth lifting higher than the left.
I looked at him, not sure which lost he meant. The lost part where I—actually both of us—took part in a little exhibitionism at some weird sex club, or the lost part where I came home and drank until I passed out. At this point in time, either was a viable option.
My throat burned, as did the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let my emotions win. If only he knew that the reason for getting lost was because I secretly wanted him to find me.
With that same hand, he brushed my hair off my cheek, his touch like ice against my temples as he skimmed his knuckles over the area. I shivered, not wanting to look away. Not wanting him to stop touching me either.
God strike me dead, but I was so beyond in love with my brother’s best friend that it wasn’t funny. My brother’s best friend who considered me a best friend too.
When the heart falls in love, the rest of your body doesn’t have much of a choice but to follow along. Which is exactly why I needed to get that job. I had to get away from Max, or I would never ever be able to get over him.
“Thank you,” I whispered, entranced by his stare, those dark, brilliant eyes I’d dreamed of for almost five years captivating me once again. “For bringing my car back. For driving me home…” For making me realize that I love something I’ll never be able to have.
He didn’t respond to my thanks. Didn’t try to make a joke about my liquor intake and my inability to hold it either. Instead, he dropped his hand from my face and reached for my fingers and elbow, helping me lie back on my pillow, only to cover me with a blanket like a toddler who’d caught a chill.
Max was right about one thing. I had lost my way. And this wasn’t some overnight turn of events either. My only hope was that I could stop being reckless and start being right again. And the only way I could was by no longer letting his absence and his hot-and-cold attitude get to me.
He jerked his finger toward the door, his eyes on the carpet as he leaned forward on his knees. “I should go. Gav’s run off somewhere again. Just wanted to swing by and drop off your car.”
I frowned. “Do you know where he went?” I wasn’t as close to Gavin as I was to Max, but I still loved him.
“He was supposed to watch Chloe because Addie had plans this morning, but he didn’t show.”
“What happened?”
Even as I said it, Max’s words from a few minutes ago—I should’ve been there—echoed in my mind, laying a blanket of guilt over my already wretched emotions.
“He took off somewhere. Addie found a note that said he’d be back, but he’d had an episode last night. Completely lost it at that club. Collin drove him home, but I stayed…”
“To look after me.”
Max nodded, but kept his gaze trained on the floor.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry. You should have been there for him.” I wasn’t going to argue about being able to handle my own. Not this time. It was a moot point when, to be honest, he had saved me last night.
I’d been stupid. Driven to Macomb on my own, hardly spoke to Patricia all night… How I’d planned to make it back to Carinthia was beyond me.
“Just…don’t hate me, okay?” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, a quick peck that didn’t linger. A best friend’s peck.
“Why would I hate you?” I asked, watching him stand.
“Reasons.” He smiled one last time before he turned to leave.
Regardless of my confusion, I couldn’t hold back my words, no matter what he said or did. “I’ll never hate you.”
After we’d said our goodbyes, the door clicked shut, the only noise throughout my lonely apartment. The quiet was terrifying with my heart in pain, so I did what I always did when I was by myself. I leaned over, grabbed my phone, and hit the button for my music.
Somewhere along the way, I fell back asleep listening to the heavy metal sounds of Vektor while pretending things were going to be okay.
Chapter 13
Max
Day had turned into night before the phone finally rang. Max, Addie, and I hadn’t bothered leaving the house all afternoon for fear we’d miss Gav’s call. We all jumped up to answer it, but I was the one to pick up first, waving Addie off and shouldering past Collin in the process. On the second ring, I had it to my ear. “Gav? That you?”
“I’m fine.”
I swallowed hard at the sound of the voice on the other end of the line. It wasn’t my best friend—at least not the one I’d come to know. “Where are you? Want me and Collin to come get ya?”
“No,” he said so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.
I turned to look at Collin. He was already reaching for the phone. Frowning, I shook my head and looked away, nowhere near done.
“You in trouble, Gav?”
A hard breath huffed from the other end. “I just… I need some time away.”
“You need us, man.” I leaned against the table and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling broken for my family, my brother.
“I’m sorry I flaked out on Addie this morning.” He sighed. “Tell Colly I’m sorry too.”
“Stop with the sorry BS, and tell me how long you’re going to be gone. No, screw that. Tell us where you are. I’ll come stay with you until you’re ready to come home.” He’d pulled this shit several times in the past few months, claiming he needed time to just clear his head. The problem was, the trips were getting longer and
more frequent, and he didn’t always check in like he said he would. Not to mention he’d never left right after having one of his episodes.
“Couple of days, maybe? Don’t know.”
“Does this have something to do with what you were looking at on the computer last night?” It was a wild guess, but I had to start somewhere.
More silence. Addie stood and carried a sleeping Chloe back to her bedroom.
At my side, Collin leaned against the table and motioned for the phone again.
Impatient motherfucker.
“All right, Gav. We’re here for you. You know that, right?”
He didn’t respond, just sighed, this one shuddering over the line. Without saying goodbye, I handed Collin the phone, done with trying to figure Gavin out, and more than done with trying to keep tabs on him. If the guy wanted to get away, we’d have to let him. We could only do so much.
Wordless, I grabbed my shoes and left the house, my shoulders stiff and my back tense, probably from stress. I knew where I was headed, didn’t even have to stop and think about it. It’d become an addiction to serve as Lia’s pseudo bodyguard while she worked. Only tonight, I wasn’t going to go inside and wait. Instead, I’d stay in my car, maybe sleep a little, and then set my alarm so I could go in closer to closing time. For one, I wasn’t in the mood to see Aubrey. And another? I knew the second I saw Lee-Lee again, I’d want to do every unspeakable thing to her that I’d been thinking about all day—things I’d been thinking of doing for years.
I knew this wasn’t the time to worry about her. But guilt had rendered me stupid all day, and staying behind with Colly any longer at the house wasn’t a good plan. What if I slipped? Told him everything? That I was more than sure I was in love with his little sister, though I was also pretty sure she wanted to tear my nuts off—if her voicemail left on my cell an hour ago was any indication.
Guess the fact that I’d bought her a new car wasn’t sitting too well.
In the parking lot of Jimney’s, I turned off my car and pulled my cell from my pocket. Thumbing through my contacts, I found my ma’s name, tapping Send before I could talk myself out of it. Even at twenty-seven, a guy needed his mama on occasion.
“Maxwell?”
I smiled at the sound of her voice and her familiar, thick Spanish accent. “Hey, Ma.”
“My hijo. How are you?”
I shut my eyes and leaned back in my seat. “I’m good.”
“You can’t lie to me. What is wrong?”
I laughed as the sound of my eight-year-old sister’s voice echoed in the background.
“How’s Charlotte?” I was good at changing the subject, and Ma loved to brag on our girl even more than I did.
“Charlotte has a recital next month. She asked if you were coming.”
I wanted that more than anything. I missed my ma, my little sister, and even my stepdad. “I’ll try. Got a few things going on right now though.”
Mama went off after that, her voice heavy with emotion, paired with her accent, as she asked about Gavin and Collin. Ma was a free-spirited Mexican woman, and one of the most important people in my life. She’d never changed, no matter what we’d been through, and I was one lucky son of a bitch to be able to call her Mother.
She had had me when she was nineteen and stuck with my father for more than fifteen years, even after he’d had three affairs and told her he didn’t want any more kids. Then, the summer before my senior year in high school after his last affair—and not long after he’d broken my jaw—we finally left him.
It was the best and worst decision we ever made.
I’d told Lia a few things about that time in my life, but nobody knew the real truth except my mama and me.
We’d gone from posh living to staying at homeless shelter after homeless shelter in Nashville for six months straight. The thing of it was, we were happier homeless than we’d ever been when we lived with my asshole cheat of a father.
During the day, I’d sing for money along the streets, while my mama played backup guitar. At night, I’d hang out at the restaurant where Ma waitressed, “interning” under the chef while she worked her ass off for tips to save money for our own place. Eventually, we got a one-bedroom apartment, and I was finally able to reenroll in school to finish my senior year—a year late.
Bottom line, we made it through unscathed and together, even though it was the hardest year of our lives. I graduated. Then Ma met my stepdad one night during a shift. He was a good guy, one who loved her and me both. He took her in and married her. She got pregnant with Charlotte a couple years later, and I got a decent job out of high school as a ranch hand on a farm not far from our house.
Still, I’d wanted to prove to my ma and myself that I could make it in life as someone more than just a farmhand. That’s when I enlisted.
“Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry.” I scrubbed a hand over my face.
“Now, tell me what is wrong with you. Is it a woman? Are you being safe? Treating her right?”
“No. There’s no woman.”
If I told her the truth, she’d ask me what the problem was. Then I’d be forced to tell her that I was in love but didn’t quite feel worthy enough to be the man that Lia needed.
At least not yet.
“Then what is it? What is the problem?”
“It’s just…” I blew out another breath. “I don’t have a job. I’m living off Dad’s money, and it sucks.”
She cleared her throat, and I could almost hear her thoughts from the other end.
Don’t be ridiculous, hijo.
Your life is great.
You are perfect the way you are.
You were a marine. You saved lives.
You deserve to do whatever you want to do.
You earned every bit of that money.
Something about Gavin taking off today really messed with me, made me want to fix my own shit now more than ever. But the words that came out of my ma’s mouth didn’t match the ones I normally heard.
“Then do something about it. Get a job, quit being a bebé.”
“I’m not a baby.” I glared at my lap.
“No, not in the literal sense. You’re like a nineteen-year-old boy who feels as though he has no purpose in life. Just like you were before enlisting.”
“I’ve got purpose, Ma.”
“I didn’t say you had no purpose. Just stating things how I see them.”
“Having purpose isn’t the problem.” I squeezed my eyes shut.
Fuck. Maybe she was right. Maybe I didn’t have purpose. Maybe I was just getting by so I didn’t have to think and deal with the reality of life. Maybe I was scared of the future. Maybe I was afraid to grow up because the last thing I wanted was to find out I wasn’t good enough to be the person I wanted to be in the end—even if I had no idea who that person was.
I didn’t have the skills to be a professional in life. I wasn’t cop material like Collin, and I sure as hell couldn’t handle blood and deal with dying people like Gavin did as a paramedic. Gav might have been suspended from his job, but at least he had one and was damn good at it when he wasn’t running away.
So who was I? What was I good at?
“The question you need to ask yourself, Maxwell, is what do you want out of life? What makes you happy?”
“Family makes me happy.”
“What else?”
I smiled and leaned my seat back, imagining her in the kitchen—more specifically at the stove, wearing that black-checkered apron of hers. Her hair would be up in a bun, and every time she’d nod, dark pieces would fall out and cling to her temples. For Mama, being in the kitchen was as natural as breathing. I’d do anything to be working alongside her right now. Hands in the meat, sleeves up to my elbow…the skillet sizzling with peppers, and the homemade tortillas scenting the
air.
“Holy shit,” I whispered to myself—at the epiphany that had just smacked me across the face.
“Maxwell, do not use those words with me.”
I shook my head. “Sorry, Ma. I gotta go. Talk soon?”
She spouted off her frustrated goodbye, demanding I call her more than once a week—which I promised like always, even though most of the time I failed to keep my word.
Ten minutes after the call ended, my mind was beyond thinking about Ma. Instead, I had an old napkin pressed to my thigh and a half-busted pencil in my hand, jotting down ideas with a stupid-ass grin on my face.
Cook. I loved to cook. I had fun cooking too. And if I could make money doing something I loved, then what more did I need?
It wouldn’t be an overnight success. Opening and running a business took time and a lot of energy. I’d have to come up with a menu and a list of possible clients, book events and advertise. Hell, I’d have to find a place to actually run a business out of.
Maybe that building by Colly’s work with the rent sign?
I grinned at the thought, writing it down on my napkin.
The one thing I did have was money. Enough to fund this endeavor. Granted, I didn’t want to go crazy with expenses, because this could wind up being a failure and then I’d be broke. But if that happened, at least it’d serve my dad’s memory right. A failure of a father meets a failed career. A win-lose situation I was damn ready to attack.
My face ached from smiling by the time Lia stepped outside Jimney’s a couple of hours later. Part of me wanted to jump out of the car and tell her the news…but I had to tread lightly after everything that’d happened between us. Yeah, I wanted her—Collin, life, and fuck-ups be damned. But it wasn’t time. Not yet. Soon enough she’d know how I felt. Soon enough she’d be proud of me for taking the initiative to do this, to make something of myself once and for all. Same went for Collin and Gav, Addie, Ma, and even Charlotte.
First though, I needed to do this for myself.
Chapter 14
Lia
Yoga wasn’t something I practiced on a normal basis. I preferred cardio and kickboxing, exercise to keep me active, yet unthinking. But every once in a while, I sought the peace yoga brought to my constantly anxious and overactive brain. It was therapy for my muscles too, keeping me limber and focused.
The Right Kind of Reckless Page 10