by Yannick Hill
Next thing the doors were closing and the train began to move. Just like that. An explosion of butterflies and Missy waved to the boy with no name and he waved back. Silas had already disappeared from the platform.
It was a driverless train and Missy thought she recognized the pattern on the seats. The darkness in the tunnel made it difficult to know how fast or far she was going, the train’s wheels screeching to find the metal tracks. She saw her reflection in the window opposite. The last of the leopard make-up. She looked scary. Wild. Like someone on film, looking back at her from the scratched-up glass of the window, a character in a story, a girl with a story, something to say and a way of saying it, the reflection in the window was who she was now, her story, her darkness, the leopard in the window was who she was, sparks lighting up the walls outside the train.
She wondered what was above her right now. Streets? Water? Fields? Mountains? Before entering the swimming pool, she’d seen those low mountains in the distance. Deep Sky. She imagined her train going deep into those mountains, the sky darkening. She pictured another subway station, entirely hewn out of the black rock of the mountain, the walls raw and glistening with moisture. Someone waiting for her. Someone dressed in strange dark clothes, a fabric like no fabric she had seen before. White gloves. It played like a movie in her mind. The black button with white star set into the wall. An elevator to the surface, so fast it would make her ears pop. Deep Sky. She remembered Silas talking about it by the light of the campfire. I’ve seen it, Missy, the night sky as it should be, and when I saw it I knew who I was, I knew my purpose in life. True dark. I was there when he built Deep Sky, his monument to the true dark. I was there, Missy, and soon you will see it for yourself.
She imagined the elevator doors opening and finding herself at the top of a tall tower, reaching way up into the sky, a night sky, because by then it would have gotten dark. Millions upon millions of stars and this feeling she was falling, falling up into the darkness until there was no light, no one, nothing but her.
And then a voice, the same voice that had guided her in the beginning, speaking to her now over the train’s intercom:
Welcome, Missy, to Deep Sky, where one journey ends and another begins. We know things have been hard for you, Missy, we know why you ran away. We want you to know you came to the right place. You made the right decision to come here, because if there’s one thing we know at Deep Sky, it’s how to keep a secret. But enough with the formalities, why speak like this when we can do so face to face in just a few minutes? Have no fear, Missy Baer, you’re in safe hands.
They were slowing down. Another station. No signs, no maps, no color down here. And no one waiting. The platform looked identical to the first, so much so that when Missy got off the train and found herself in front of another wooden door, she half expected to find an empty swimming pool on the other side.
Instead it was a corridor, completely bedecked with wood paneling. It felt like a ship, a luxury liner. There were rooms off to the sides but the door at the end of the corridor had already caught her attention. It was dark, almost black, but as Missy drew closer she saw that it too was made of wood, a dark, dark wood that could only have been illegal. At head height there was a white star, no bigger than the palm of her hand, set into the door so that it was perfectly flush with the surface. It looked like it was made of bone. Or maybe ivory. The idea gave her a bad feeling but she couldn’t help herself. Missy reached out and touched it, felt the uncanny smoothness of the finish with her fingertips.
57
He could hear them talking inside. River put the soft flesh of his ear up against another white door, closed his eyes and listened. It couldn’t be . . . but it was. Missy’s voice, clear as glass. Then Synthea. His mother’s voice, responding in turn. River turned the handle and slowly opened the door with his shoulder.
‘Missy?’ She didn’t respond, but carried on talking to their mother across the way. River couldn’t hear the words at first, so taken aback was he by the visual effect. His sister and Synthea. They looked real, like they were really in this space, only something wasn’t quite right, some kind of light shining through them. A greenish light, like bioluminescence. They looked like ghosts. He’d seen this before: dead rappers conjured back to life on stage in front of thousands in the open air, a visual trick. Forced perspective, a sheet of glass at forty-five degrees. This was home video, footage from the recent past, a scene taking place in the garden at night. Missy and Synthea, the dark grass of the vast lawn all around them, his mother sitting cross-legged inside a circle of candles in her swimming costume, her wet hair twisted like a rope over one shoulder. River closed the white door behind him, bringing everything into sharper focus. Synthea was drunk, the candlelight picking up the beads of moisture all over her body. He could tell she was drunk from the way she was talking. Missy was outside the circle of candles. His sister saying something, her voice quiet with concern. River listened carefully to every word.
‘I saw lights in the garden, the candles, from my bedroom window,’ Missy said. ‘I didn’t know if it was you. What are you doing out here, all on your own? It’s late and you know there are snakes, Mom, and you’re all wet, you’re dripping wet. Come on, Mom, you should come inside. Please?’
‘Missy, Missy, calm down and come and sit with me. You’ll be safe, Missy, inside this circle, you’ll be safe.’
‘But you’re all wet, Mom, you’ll catch a cold out here.’
‘I went for a swim. Yes, I often go for a swim late at night.’
‘I know you do, Mom, but it’s really late, it’s like three in the morning.’
‘Why are you up so late, Missy?’
‘I was . . . I was out with my friends, Mom, but now I’m back and I want you to come to bed.’
‘Are you drunk, Missy?’
‘No, Mom, I’m not drunk, I just went to a friend’s house and now I’m back.’
‘Was it Levon? Did you guys have sex? Because if you guys have sex you need to use protection. It’s okay if you have sex with Levon, Missy, I’m not going to stop my daughter doing what she wants, but please be safe.’
‘Oh my God, Mom, what’s wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with you, Mom? Can’t you just not do that? Can’t you just not be like that for once and listen to me?’
‘Don’t raise your voice, Missy, that’s what your father does. He does it to get his way. And he does get his way, he always—’
‘I’m not raising my voice, Mom, I just wish sometimes . . . I just wish sometimes you would listen to me.’
‘I do listen to you, my darling, I love to listen to you. You’re young, you’re young, you’re full of life, you tell me things, I love to listen to you. We talk all the time, you tell me everything.’
‘I know I do, Mom, I know you listen to me, so why not now? I’m not drunk, I didn’t sleep with Levon, not that it’s any of your business, and all I want is for you to come inside, please, it’s really late and you’re all wet and I just want you to take my hand and come inside with me.’
‘Ow, that hurts. Don’t grab me, Missy. Don’t grab me, I’m not a child. STOP.’
‘Alright, fine.’ Missy turned to go.
‘Sit here with me, Missy. Sit here inside this circle of light. We’re safe here. As long as these candles are burning, we’re safe. Just us. No snakes, no bugs, just us.’
‘But it’s cold.’
‘Are you cold, Missy?’
‘No.’
‘I’m not cold. I’m warm. I’ve been swimming under the stars and now I’m warm. And it’s a beautiful night. Look up, Missy, look at the stars. So many stars. Sometimes I wish a spaceship would come down – sometimes I wish a spaceship would come down and take me far away, far, far away from this place so that when I look back, when I look out of the window of the spaceship, I see our sun, and it’s no bigger than one of these stars, just a tiny point of light and I’m headed somewhere completely different, somewhere other, somewhere beautiful, unwatched
, unhindered. Myself, Missy, out from under all these cameras, this place . . .’
‘That’s so dark, Mom, that’s so totally dark.’
‘But it’s not, Missy, it’s me being totally honest with you. Missy, please, don’t close your eyes, don’t turn away, I didn’t mean to upset you, it’s the last thing I want in the world. That wasn’t a dark thing I said, Missy, these are just thoughts, they’re just thoughts.’
‘They’re not just thoughts, Mom, because you’re telling me what you’re thinking so now it’s real. You want to leave us. You want to—’
‘I didn’t say that, Missy, and I understand that you’re upset.’
‘So it is happening? You are leaving us? Are you and Dad getting a divorce?’
‘No, Missy, stop putting words in my mouth. These really were just thoughts and I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, it was wrong of me to do this. I just had this feeling of happiness and—’
‘What about my happiness, Mom? What about my happiness? Look, I’m not angry with you, Mom. I want you to be happy, I really do, but did you ever think about how it makes me feel when I find you like this?’
‘Like what?’
‘I’m just worried about you, Mom, okay? I’m worried about you, and the more I worry, the more I can’t sleep at night.’
‘You always slept like a princess. I remember—’
‘Oh my God, Mom, I’m trying to tell you something, and it’s really hard for me to do this, so could you just hear me out.’
‘Don’t raise your voice, Missy.’
‘Why, because I sound like him? Because I sound like HIM, Mom? Well maybe I do sound like him because I’m, like, his daughter, aren’t I? I’m his daughter just like I’m your daughter and, honestly, I don’t want to be anybody’s daughter, I want to be myself. You think you’re the only one who wants out of this house? I want out of this house.’
‘Missy, don’t say that.’
‘That’s the thing, Mom, you only hear what you want to hear. I am worried about you. How could I not when you’re walking around the house naked at night, when you’re always . . . I am worried, Mom. And then you tell me that you want to leave, but when are you going to understand that you’re not the only person in the world?’
‘I don’t think that, Missy, you know I don’t. But you’re right, it’s late, and now I am cold. It’s this breeze, blowing out the candles. Let’s go inside. Let’s go inside, Missy, continue our discussion in the house. Come on, Missy, we could eat a midnight snack if you wanted.’
‘You go, Mom. I’m going to stay out here for a minute.’
‘No, Missy, like you said, it’s cold out here, there are snakes and bugs and it’s late . . . Please, Missy, take my hand and come inside with me.’
‘Mom, just give me a minute. I need to be by myself for a second. Please just go to bed, Mom. I’ll see you at breakfast. I love you.’
‘I love you too, Missy. Please let’s continue this discussion tomorrow. I don’t want you to worry, Missy. Everything’s going to be okay, Missy. Trust me as I say those words . . . Look me in my eyes. Everything’s going to be okay.’
‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Mom, please.’
Missy remained alone inside the circle of candles, her legs out to one side. River watched his sister gaze after their mother as she zigzagged into the background, back to Versailles. Exit stage right. A sudden gust of wind blew out all but one of the candles, the last flame flickering in the persistent breeze. A fade to black. A fade to black followed by a menu screen.
River felt the sting in his nose. He rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands. A menu screen. A user interface. That had to mean some kind of input device, a remote control or— River took a step forward into the semi-darkness and there it was. A barrier, and set into the barrier there was a tablet computer. River touched the capacitive screen and he was looking at the same menu, a dynamic list of past events, all meticulously tagged and archived. River’s heart began to race. He’d always known about the cameras, but never dreamed their true purpose. Versailles as recording device. Here was a total archive of his childhood, Missy’s childhood. Every conversation, every monologue. Everything that ever took place inside these walls. River’s mind began to race. He started typing keywords into the search box and then stopped himself. This last video. Missy and the circle of candles. This last video was part of a playlist. River touched the next item and watched the scene unfold.
Casey’s Versailles office this time, somewhere River hadn’t been since childhood. There were cables everywhere, the walls covered in curtains of code, black biro on white. The effect was like heavy rain as seen from a great distance. Scripting for the social network, a work in progress. The only furnishings were a desk and a chair. Casey was sitting behind a desk staring into a cheap, 23" LCD monitor in gray plastic. The lighting was bright, strikingly so. There was no atmosphere in this room, no shadows, nowhere to hide. Missy standing by the doorframe in her nightdress.
‘Dad?’
‘Missy.’
‘Dad, do you believe in God?’
‘Why don’t you come in, Missy, instead of standing in the doorway?’
‘I can come back if you’re busy.’
‘No, nothing’s more important than spending time with my daughter. Come . . . Now, to answer your question. No, I don’t believe in God.’
‘Why not?’ says Missy.
‘Well . . . because I have you, Missy, I have you and I have River and I have your mom, and you guys are the most important thing to me. I believe in the power of love. I believe in people, Missy. The human experience. Sharing that with another person, with my friends, my family. I believe we make our own destiny. We act, we make, we determine. The human experience, Missy. It’s all us, our destiny, our world. It’s why I built the website. So that people could share their experiences, while they had the chance. I don’t need God to tell me what to look for. I want to see everything, experience everything. All the color and the sound. All the feelings and emotions. I don’t need God to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I’m an adult, I can think for myself. I have a family who I love and who love me. I built a website that lets people find out who and what matters to them, that lets them be who they want to be. Because we’re nothing without each other, Missy. Nothing.’
‘Dad.’
‘What is it, princess?’
‘I prayed last night, Dad.’
‘You’re crying, Missy, what’s wrong?’
‘I prayed because . . . I prayed that Mom wouldn’t go away because . . . and I don’t know if she means . . . she said . . .’
‘Come here, Missy, come here and tell me what happened.’
‘Last night. You weren’t there, Dad.’
‘I’m here now, Missy. Tell me.’
‘Okay, Dad, but you have to promise first. Dad, promise me you won’t tell Mom I talked to you. Because I know what will happen, Dad. I’m like her best friend. Seriously, she thinks I’m her best friend and in a way she is my best friend so it would really upset her if she found out that I’d talked to you like this. She’d think everything she thought about us was true, her worst fears, that her family doesn’t love her, that I don’t love her. So you can’t tell her that I talked to you about her. Promise me, Dad.’
‘Missy, I give you my word.’
‘Last night I found Mom in the garden and she was half-naked and all wet from swimming in the pool. I found her in the garden surrounded by these candles and she was half-naked, Dad, at, like, three in the morning, acting kind of drunk and high at the same time. I tried to make her come inside with me but she started talking all this weird stuff. She started talking like she wanted to leave this place, she was talking about wanting to be among the stars . . . I don’t know if she meant she wanted to leave, like go live somewhere else, or . . . I just don’t know, Dad, and I can’t stop thinking . . . I can’t stop thinking about what she might do . . .’
‘Missy, listen to me. Mis
sy, your mom’s not going anywhere. Your mom’s not going anywhere because I’m going to take care of her, we’re going to take care of her, alright? Now look, I know you’re upset, I understand why you’re upset, but you have to trust me on this. Your mom’s going to be okay. We’re going to take care of her. Together. And you know what, Missy? It’s okay that you prayed. It’s okay that you prayed, I understand why you did it. You did it because you were scared. You were scared for your mother because your mother can be unpredictable, and when people are unpredictable we don’t feel safe. We get scared because we don’t know what they want anymore, we can’t give them what they want because we don’t know what they’re thinking. Now, I know this is hard, Missy, but it’s important you know there is somebody else you can turn to, besides God! Missy, seriously, listen to me. Whenever you need to talk. About Mom, school, boys, anything, I’ll be here. And let me tell you something else. Your mom? I’m going to take care of her. She may be your mom, Missy, but she’s also my wife, and I love my wife. If she’s in trouble I’m going to get her the help she needs.’
‘But you promised, Dad. You promised me you wouldn’t tell her that I talked to you.’
‘Missy, I told you, whatever you tell me doesn’t leave this room, I give you my word. But you have to promise me something in return.’
‘What?’
‘You have to promise to trust me. I can be there for you, Missy. You don’t have to feel alone. You’re my daughter too and I want to know your life. Pray if you want, but you can always come to me, Missy. Promise me.’
‘I promise,’ says Missy.
A fade to black followed by the menu screen. River felt very tired, he wished he could just go to bed, rest his head a while, close his eyes and sleep for an hour. He thought he understood now, but there were still pieces missing from this puzzle. He scrolled through the playlist with his index finger, a seemingly endless list of past events. He saw one tagged brown horse. The tip of his finger hovered over the capacitive screen but what was the point? brown horse. It meant someone had gone in and tagged every one of these things. Casey. Whatever Casey did that made his sister want to run away and join a cult . . . Whatever Casey did that needed to be kept a secret, he wouldn’t find it here, in this room. It would have been erased long ago, perhaps never even caught on tape. Outside the frame. Blind spots everywhere.