by Isla Jones
In answer, she smiled tightly and scooped up Cleo.
I pushed open the door and slipped through the gap. Before I ran out, I peeked around the edge and saw Leo, his back to me, pushing one of the last blocks with Adam.
Quietly, I shut the door, and paused a moment to curse myself.
This. This is what Leo meant with his warnings about my stupid choices. This is what throws me into Castle’s warpath.
I really am stupid.
THE PHARMACY
ENTRY FIVE
With my back against the RV, I chanced a glance at the shops ahead. All clear. Though, I could see a flashlight move along the window from the inside of the diner. I looked back at the blockades. Adam and Leo still had their backs to me, pushing a block to the side of the road. Not the stone ones. The crappier ones that the government sent to the small towns not worth saving all those months ago.
Still, they were heavy enough to keep Leo’s back to me.
I pushed myself from the RV and—froze.
My boot had crunched in the snow, up to my ankle. It was loud. My whole body cringed, and I slid my wary gaze back to the deltas. They hadn’t heard—they carried on pushing and cursing.
Leo likely thought I wouldn’t try anything while Castle was in the RV. It almost made me scoff. I at least thought they knew me a bit better than that.
Face pinched, I chanced another step. Then another.
I tried not to grin when those old, cheesy cartoons came to mind. But the urge to grin faded once the bud of pain appeared at my gut, and spread into the embers of a fire.
I sucked in a breath and closed the distance to a petrol pump.
My gaze found Leo in the reflection of the diner. I ducked.
Leo stopped what he was doing and looked over his shoulder at the RV. I couldn’t make out his expression on the window, but he ran his fingers through his hair, glanced around a bit, then turned back to the blockade.
My heart jumped up to my throat.
The toilet flushed in the RV.
I held my breath and pushed upright; I hobbled fast across the lot. I didn’t know how much time Vicki would—or could—buy me. But once Castle noticed I was gone, all hell would break loose. And I would be its aim.
Beneath me, the snow-packed ground had melted in parts to murky slush. Browned and slippery. If I fell, my wound would rip open and I won’t lie—I would pass out from that pain. I’m certain I’m as out of lives as we’re out of antibiotics.
I stumbled onto the pavement just as the door to my left opened.
Oscar pushed through the door, a crate tucked under his arm.
He did a double-take when he spotted me. Then, his pink eyebrow raised.
I blinked, breath held, fingers tingling. The RV door would open any second. Leo could look over at the shopfronts any second. Oscar could destroy me on that pavement.
But he just smirked and shook his head, amused, and not in the least bit surprised.
From the crate of loot, he handed me a flashlight.
Without thanks, I snatched it and shoved into the pharmacy.
Darkness sucked me in, whole.
The windows were so smeared in grime and snow that mere faint wedges of the outside’s cloudy light whispered into the shop. I used the sleeve of my parka to wipe a smudge—clear enough to see the RV—and squinted through.
Castle stood at the RV door. He shouted something across to the barricades and swept his gaze around. Leo threw something to the ground and drew back.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Winter!”
I grimaced at Leo’s thunderous voice and sank back into the shop. Hands on the flashlight, I turned to face the aisles and peered through the blanket darkness. The flashlight would’ve given me away if I switched it on, so I held it close and slipped deeper into the aisles. Supplements, snacks, hair products—feminine products, tucked in the far corner of the shop.
I raced to the shelves.
I should’ve brought my bag—most of the shelves were full. But the nearing shouts from outside spurred urgency through me, and I scurried to the pregnancy tests. I’m not certain how many I grabbed, but after I crammed them into my parka, it was packed so tight that the corners of the boxes poked into my skin and stayed firm between me and my jacket.
Castle shouted my name—his voice roared through the lot and into the pharmacy, and I was surprised the glass window didn’t shatter from the force of it. I faced one hell of a lecture after they found me. And they would.
Hand on the wall, I hobbled over to the bench. Just as I ducked under it and hid behind the counter, the front door kicked open. I stilled and clenched my teeth to trap a whisper of pain; the hole in my stomach stretched and carved out into a tunnel, torn apart from side to side. I cupped the throbbing wound and tensed so hard that even through the pain, my muscles wouldn’t move an inch.
The pale glow of flashlights swept above the bench and ran over the shelves. Prescription shelves.
I peeled my hand from my stomach. Blood shimmered up at me, smeared from finger to finger. My staples had popped out. I took a shaky breath and shifted onto my knees. Biting back a cry of pain, I crawled into the shelves ahead. I had to leave the flashlight behind. It would give me away, and I couldn’t carry the extra weight. Leo and Castle were too near. They stormed through the aisles, gaining closer, fast.
Panicked, I crawled through the aisles until I spotted the one labelled ‘J—N’.
Boxes littered the floor like ants. There was no chance I could crawl through them without giving away my position, and as it was, I only had minutes (if that).
My gaze searched for the letter M on the shelves. And when I found it, my shoulders slumped and I rolled my eyes. Of course, in my luck, it was all the way at the back of the row. I had no choice but to move through the boxes smeared over the floor.
Before I could move, the bench flap creaked open—mere metres from where I knelt.
Leo’s voice followed; “A flashlight. She’s here.”
I scrambled to my feet and ran down to the end of the aisle.
Footsteps thumped behind me, loud and as thunderous as their earlier shouts.
I dove for the spread of boxes and pill-bottles on the floor. My hands raided them faster than my eyes could follow. Blood smeared everywhere—I was bleeding worse than I’d thought.
I grabbed a plain white box and squinted at the label.
My eyes didn’t get the chance to focus.
The footsteps ran up behind me. As I looked over my shoulder, a blur of movement greeted me before hands snatched my shoulders and I was hoisted from the floor. The box fell from my hand; it crunched under Leo’s boot as he shoved me against the shelf.
Pain exploded through me. White burst in my eyes, blinding me, and all I could manage was a tight gasp. I blinked away the searing white from my eyes and tried to focus on the furious face in front of me.
“I told you,” he seethed, fingers curled onto my shoulders, “to stay in the RV. You wanted to know why we treat you like an idiot?” His lip curled and he shook me. “Because you act like one all the fucking time!”
I flinched; he smacked his hand down on the shelf supporting me.
Castle stepped on boxes as he crept closer. He stayed a bit away, almost swallowed up by the darkness. The green gleam of his eyes betrayed his cold anger. He wouldn’t shout, he wasn’t in the mood to berate me—his indifference did enough on its own.
Castle flicked the light of the flashlight up to my parka. The white glow settled on my collarbone, where the boxes stuck out from. The pregnancy tests.
I swallowed and sank back into the shelf; Castle advanced. He kicked boxes out of his way and slinked closer, the way a panther would move in on its prey. Before Castle reached me, Leo snatched a box from my parka.
“Give it back!” I swiped for it, but Leo shoved me back to the shelf and—I could barely breathe. My stomach twisted, as if something clenched my insides in their hands and wrung me out like wet clothes.
My hand found my sore spot and pressed, hard. It was hard to see in the dark, but I was sure my black parka had turned red.
I made to speak, to tell them I needed Vicki, but when I looked up at Leo his expression sucked out any words I had in me. Colour rushed to my face.
I glanced from Leo to the pregnancy test in his hand, then at Castle.
Leo’s fury caved to utter shock. His lips parted. He just gaped at me, horrified.
Castle kept his own stare on the box, and I thought he might faint.
I shifted on the spot, as red as the blood streaming down my leggings. “Um…” I cleared my throat and gestured to the mess on the floor. “I need pills…”
Leo pulled back.
He blinked once at me before he shoved the box into Castle’s hand … and left. He couldn’t have gotten out of there faster, not even if a rotter had been chasing him. The thought brought some bitterness to my face. Leo wouldn’t run from a rotter. He would fight it. But a possibly pregnant me? He didn’t hesitate to bolt.
Not that I’m pregnant, but he doesn’t know that. Though, it wasn’t as if we’d had sex. Leo was far from the box in Castle’s hand, he didn’t have to run, he had nothing to do with it. Unlike Castle.
I looked at him. His hand didn’t tremble around the box. Instead, his fingers pressed down so hard that the box bent and cracked. All colour had drained from his face like water down pipes, and he hadn’t stopped staring at me.
Finally, he swallowed (or gulped) and lowered the light to the floor. “Take what you need and be quick about it.”
That was it. That was all he said to me. And he kept the box in his hand, too.
OF DELTAS AND LIES
ENTRY SIX
In the pharmacy, I had the chance to tell them both I wasn’t pregnant, that the tests weren’t for me. It’s what I should have done. But I froze, my mind turned to mush, and the pain in my stomach held my whole being.
And I had the chance as Castle escorted me back to the RV. The blood streamed down my legs and even leaked into my boots. We walked. Neither of us spoke. Yet, there were things I should’ve said.
We saw no sign of Leo on the lot, but I locked eyes with Adam by the blockades. His face was sour, loaded with his exhaustion of me. Oscar piled the loot onto the back of the truck, but stopped when he saw me limping beside Castle. Oscar grinned, and with that one sweeping smile, I realised I was his entertainment in a world without television or radio.
Castle pushed the door open.
At the top of the steps, Vicki hovered, hands bunched at her sides. She stopped pacing. Her focus shifted to my jeans and she blanched.
Before I could make it up the steps, she lunged at me, like a mother to an injured child. “Winter,” she gushed. “What—you’re bleeding!”
Castle answered for me. “Her staples have come out.”
I tried to shrug him off, but Castle kept his arm looped firmly around me until my bum was flattened to the thin mattress. Vicki flocked to the medical kit and when I spotted the stapler in her hand, a shiver ran through me.
Castle peeled my parka from my body—boxes collapsed to the floor in a heap. Vicki stilled, medical kit clutched tight in her bony fingers, and wide eyes on the pregnancy tests piled at Castle’s feet. She brought her gaze to mine. Fear swarmed in her eyes.
I pinched my lips and hit out at Castle. “Give me back my stuff.”
His glare sharpened, but he drew away from me and smacked the two plain white boxes on the kitchenette counter. I hoped Vicki picked up on my hint—I hadn’t told them, her secret was safe in my head and diary.
My body arched off the mattress as a scream tore through me. The pillow I held against my face muffled my cries. Castle’s hands were firm on my legs as he pinned me down.
Vicki had plucked out the old staples—one had wedged itself into my tender skin—then replaced them with new, very painful staples. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Vicki thought I was an art project.
The final clip! of the stapler pressed against my skin. I didn’t even try to squirm away that time—my body shuddered and a whimper pressed against the pillow.
Castle’s grip on my legs loosened. He didn’t release me, but the lessened weight told me that Vicki was almost finished.
I winced as a cold touch met my wound.
“I’m cleaning the blood,” said Vicki, rather gently. No ridicule or judgement in her tone, like usual.
To say I’m not the easiest patient in the world might be an understatement. And there aren’t that many patients left in the world anymore.
I’ve always been afraid of treatment, whether it be injections at the doctors, the dreaded dentist and their tools of torture, and worst of all … a vet nurse with a staple gun.
Vicki stopped wiping at my skin. I heard a clamour of tin, then the clip of the medical box. “All done.”
Slowly, I dragged the pillow from my face to my chest. Before, the air in the RV seemed stuffy to me, but then as the pillow left my lips, it tasted fresh. I sucked in a deep breath and shut my watery eyes.
“That hurt,” I said, my breathy voice quieter than Vicki’s hum that followed.
Castle still hadn’t let go of my legs. He sat on the edge of the mattress, his hands rested just above my knees; the heat of his fingers burned through my leggings.
Vicki washed her hands in the sink. “She’s not going anywhere. You can go back to the blockades.”
Castle’s emerald eyes glowed a moment, angered to be dismissed by her. But no explosion came. Castle knew she was right. The blockades had to be moved, and with Leo’s vanishing act, Adam was left to move them on his own.
We had to be on the highway soon, if we wanted to make time.
Castle left, without so much as a glance at me.
When the door shut, Vicki rushed to my side so fast that she almost bumped Cleo at shoulder. “What happened? Did you tell—”
I shook my head. “I didn’t tell. But I finally figured out how to stop them from shouting at me all the time. Pretend I’m pregnant.” I met her startled gaze. “They’re too panicked to think of anything else. You should’ve seen Leo. He ran out of there like his ass was on fire.”
Vicki was still. Then, she released a loud breath and slumped over. Her hand found mine. “Thank you,” she said through a choked laugh. “Thank you, Winter. For all of it. Not telling them, getting the tests, and—” Her gaze cut to the boxes by the sink. “—giving me a choice.”
The pain that throbbed at my stomach twisted my smile into something grim. “After the test, take both those pills. You’ll need the biggest pads you can find.”
“Have you done it before?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “It’s like a really bad period.”
She squeezed my hand once, then slid off the mattress to gather the boxes. She packed them into what we called our ‘Bag of Blood Battlers’. Ok, maybe I was the only one to call it that. It was the best goodie bag for that time of the month. Hot water bottles, painkillers, tampons, pads, and even some chocolate bars.
“What will you tell Castle?”
Vicki’s question yanked in my gaze. I studied the back of her hair, black and oily, fastened into a limp bun at the nape of her neck. It took me a moment to realise what she meant.
“The truth, sort of.” I hadn’t given it much thought yet. “I’ll just tell him it was a false alarm. No big deal, right?”
Was I asking to be reassured that I’m not a monster?
I don’t know.
Vicki nodded; the bun flopped against its loose bindings. When she turned to face me, I saw that her normally hardened face had relaxed and I was taken back to when I first met her in the department store.
I smiled. I’d been reassured.
Propped up against a pile of cushions, I cupped a mug of hot chocolate in my hands and sniffed the sweet steam wafting up at me.
Oscar had dropped off some of the supplies he’d scavenged, and Vicki had shared her small
store of hot chocolate powder with me. After what I’d gone through that day, I didn’t say no. I took it with a greedy lick of the lips.
She’d gone into the bedroom to tend to Mac. Cleo—the traitor—had darted after her. I was left alone in the front of the RV. Not that I minded. But boredom was a common enemy and I couldn’t reach my books behind me.
So I did something terrible and torturous to myself. I watched Castle through the windshield. He sat on a blockade, hunched over, with his face in his hands. For a moment, I almost regretted my choice. It wasn’t fair to let him think anything of the sort.
Yet, he must have known what those pills were—and if not, he was smart. He could guess, easily. Why would he bother working himself up over something that would come to be nothing?
Then, there was the issue of all the lies he’d fed me. Leo’s immunity, the cargo, the truth about what they did to the real deltas, and—most of all—how he’d tricked me into believing he loved me.
Guilt was not a factor as I watched him. In fact, I found a smidge of satisfaction somewhere buried deep in all the anger nested inside of me. Because what he was feeling in that moment didn’t begin to measure up to what he’d put me through.
Castle deserved nothing from me. I’d already given him too much.
CITY ON FIRE
ENTRY SEVEN
The East coast’s winter season brought us earlier nights. After a short day of looting and moving barricades, we’d managed to drive a bit down the highway. But then night came and cut our journey short.
But we were close. If nothing went wrong, by tomorrow afternoon we would be at the CDC’s door.
Impatience clutched the whole RV.
It was a particular sort of urgency, one that reminded me of needing to use the toilet. All is manageable until you actually see the toilet, and suddenly you’re wiggling to stop from peeing yourself. That was our urgency the night on the side of the highway.