“You klunkin’ idiot!” said Minho. “I can’t believe you actually locked yourself out of the Sausage Fest.”
“It wouldn’t have happened in the first place if you’d just come back on time,” said Thomas. “What happened? I thought you were just going to get the dead Heaver.”
“Turns out it wasn’t dead,” said Minho, “it was just passed out after eating a really big plate of cheese fries. Oh crap, look!”
Thomas turned and saw a Heaver approaching from the end of the corridor.
“Run!” said Minho.
But Thomas didn’t run. Somehow he knew that running wouldn’t work, and that his only chance was to approach it. He took a deep breath and walked up to the Heaver.
“Thomas, are you crazy?” said Minho.
“Hey there,” Thomas said to the heaver. “So I was wondering, how about if I took you to dinner?”
The Heaver stopped and stared at Thomas.
“And I don’t mean a cheap dinner,” said Thomas. “I mean somewhere nice.”
The Heaver cocked its head, seeming confused.
“And you know what?” said Thomas. “Even if dinner goes great, I don’t think we should hook up on the first date. I want to really get to know you.”
The Heaver’s head started vibrating strongly back and forth.
“I want to hang out with you during the day, not just at night.”
The head was now vibrating so violently it looked like a blur.
“I even want to see you after we first have sex.”
The Heaver’s head exploded.
Thomas couldn’t believe it. He’d done it. He’d killed a Heaver.
Minho looked at Thomas in awe.
“How did you know how to do that?” said Minho.
Thomas shrugged. “I just knew,” he said. “But it makes total sense: Heavers are robots programmed to act like the girls who hang out at frats. Their circuitry can’t compute what I said to them, because they never hear it. So it self-destructed.”
“Look out!” shouted Minho. Thomas turned and saw that another Heaver had come around the corner and was now just a few feet away.
Thomas had to think fast. “I’m ok with us not hooking up every time we hang out!” he blurted.
The Heaver’s head vibrated violently and exploded.
“Look, there’s more!” said Minho.
At the end of the corridor four more Heavers were approaching. Too many of them, thought Thomas. He couldn’t woo one without offending the other three.
But miraculously, instead of continuing toward Thomas and Minho, the Heavers turned down another corridor and walked away.
“What the—?” said Minho. “I’ve never heard of a Heaver walking away from a dude before.”
“Maybe they’re not into Asian guys,” said Thomas. “Or guys with their junk hanging out.”
“Well let’s find out what they are into,” said Minho, taking off after the Heavers. “Come on!”
CHAPTER 12
Minho and Thomas followed the Heavers as they headed down the corridor and then took another turn. Minho approached the corner where they’d turned and cautiously peered around it. His jaw dropped in complete surprise.
“No klunkin’ way,” said Minho.
“What is it?” Thomas said.
“There’s a yogurt place, and they’re all going inside!”
Thomas looked around the corner, and was stunned to see a yogurt store with a sign that said Maze Yogurt Co. built into one of the walls. The last of the Heavers walked in and the door closed behind her.
“Why would they go there instead of chasing us?” said Minho.
“Yogurt places are specially designed to lure in fat people,” said Thomas. “They get them in the door with the promise of eating something healthy, and then once they’re inside they’re faced with an irresistible spread of toppings like chocolate chips, gummi bears, and peanut butter cups. I think the stores are secretly owned by the candy industry.”
“We gotta follow them in,” said Minho.
“Sorry, I only do Pinkberry,” said Thomas.
Minho rolled his eyes. “Look, you wanna be a Jogger or not?” said Minho.
“Fine,” said Thomas. “But if they don’t have papaya as a topping, I’m leaving.”
CHAPTER 13
Minho and Thomas crept up to the door of the yogurt store.
“Do you think they offer a student discount?” said Thomas.
“Keep quiet!” said Minho. “Just follow me.” He cracked open the door slowly, stepped inside, and immediately began to fall as if he’d stepped off a ledge.
Thomas reached out and grabbed Minho, catching him at the last minute. Thomas couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The only thing behind the door was a dark, star-filled sky. It was a cliff of some sort, and Minho had almost fallen off.
“Holy klunkin’ klunkity klunk!” said Minho as he pulled himself up from the cliff. “What the klunk is going on?
“It can’t be real,” Thomas said, looking out at the stars. “The Heavers wouldn’t just walk into space. It has to be an illusion.”
“Well I’m not jumping off and testing it,” said Minho. “Wait, hold on.” Minho grabbed a crumpled up yogurt cup from the ground and threw it off the cliff. As soon as the cup got a foot away from the cliff, it vanished. It was like someone had taken an eraser and magically made it disappear.
“Cool!” said Thomas. He picked up some discarded cups and tried the same thing, and they all vanished a foot from the ledge.
“You know what this means?” said Minho.
“Yes!” said Thomas. “We’ve solved the world’s garbage problem!”
“No, you klunkhead,” said Minho. “It means we might’ve finally found a way out of here.”
CHAPTER 14
When the walls of the Sausage Fest opened in the morning, Thomas and Minho carried Alby back inside and told everyone about killing the heavers and finding the cliff. But no one believed them. Everybody thought that Thomas and Minho were just lying to avoid admitting that they hooked up with fat girls.
“Look, we all hook up with people we regret hooking up with,” said Newt. “Just be men and admit it!”
“We didn’t hook up with them, I swear!” said Minho. “Thomas figured out how to kill them.”
Everyone laughed. “You could’ve at least put some effort into coming up with a plausible story,” said Spatula. “Thomas killed them? It’s like you didn’t even try.”
Suddenly Alby let out a horrific scream.
“He’s going through the Changing!” said Newt. “Med-jacks, get him to the frat house!”
Thomas watched worriedly as the Med-jacks took Alby away. But Chuck approached and waved at Alby dismissively. “Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine,” said Chuck.
“What’s this ‘Changing’ thing, anyway?” said Thomas.
“It’s what happens after you hook up with a Heaver,” said Chuck. “It makes you scream a lot and it triggers old memories. Speaking of which, I forgot to tell you: when Ben was going through the Changing he told me he remembered that before we came to the Sausage Fest, you owed me a thousand dollars. I’ll give you a week to get it because I know it’s a little out of nowhere.”
“Is there any news about the girl?” said Thomas. “Has she woken up yet?”
“Nah,” said Chuck. “She just keeps sleeping and mumbling, and guys keep sneaking in and trying to take her clothes off.”
Newt came running back from the frat house. “Tommy, we gotta talk,” said Newt. “Alby’s going on and on about how you hooked up with his girlfriend. Also, he told me that before we came here you owed me three thousand dollars.”
“Dude, is there anyone’s girlfriend you didn’t hook up with?” said Chuck.
“I don’t know what these people are talking about!” said Thomas.
“Well you need to try to remember,” said Newt. “Remember who you used to be. You seem connected to everyone. Maybe if you can r
emember, we can figure out why we’re here.”
“But I can’t remember anything,” said Thomas, “same as all of you.”
“Just try, okay?” said Newt.
“Fine, I’ll try,” said Thomas. He closed his eyes and concentrated. “Okay, me: start remembering. Remember, remember, remember, remember—”
“Not now, klunkhead!” said Newt. “We’re gonna go see the girl, see if she can trigger something in you.”
Oh, she’ll trigger something in me, thought Thomas. He looked down at his pants. In fact, she already has.
CHAPTER 15
Newt and Thomas walked into the room in the frat house where the girl was staying. Next to the girl stood one of the Med-Jacks with a clipboard.
“How’s she doing, Clint?” said Newt to the Med-jack.
“She seems ok,” said Clint. “Talks a lot in her sleep though. Keeps saying she’s warm and asking if I can take her clothes off. Think maybe I should help her out? I hate seeing her suffer like this.”
“Her note said no clothes off, so there’ll be no clothes off,” said Newt.
“Oh I forgot,” said Clint, “she also said, ‘I know I wrote that note but that was before I met Clint. Now that I know Clint I’m totally comfortable with him taking my clothes off.”
“Zip it, med-shank,” said Newt. “I brought Tommy here to see if he could remember anything. Tommy, sit down and take a good look. Anything ringing a bell?”
Thomas sat in a chair by the bed and looked at the girl.
“I think I remember something!” said Thomas.
“Really?” said Newt excitedly.
“Yeah, I vaguely remember being a masseuse and her being one of my regular customers. The details are a bit fuzzy, though. Maybe if I massaged her a little bit it would all come back to me. Oh also, I specialized in butt massage.”
You know what you also specialized in, Tom? Having a small wiener.
Thomas leaped out of his chair. It was a voice. A girl’s voice. But the girl’s mouth had never moved.
“Did you hear that?” said Thomas.
“Hear what?” said Newt.
“That voice!” said Thomas.
Tom, it’s me, Teresa. We used to know each other, remember? How else would I know about your small wiener?
Thomas jumped back again, knocking over a lamp.
“What the klunk is wrong with you?” said Newt.
“She’s talking to me!” said Thomas.
“What’s she sayin’?” said Newt.
Only two inches long.
“She just said...um...my name.”
Tom, don’t freak out on me. You can’t help it if your wiener is microscopic.
“Ahhhhh, stop!” said Thomas. He couldn’t take it anymore. He covered his ears and ran out of the room.
It was you and me who did this to them, Tom. You, me, and your small wiener.
CHAPTER 16
Thomas sat across from Chuck, eating what seemed like the thousandth pizza he’d eaten since arriving. In an attempt to make it more appetizing he’d frozen the pizza and was licking it like a popsicle.
“Can’t I just have one normal day here?” lamented Thomas. “It was bad enough having everyone accuse me of hooking up with their girlfriend. Now I’ve got a girl in a coma talking to me.”
How’s the pizza, Tom? My favorite flavor is meatball.
“Arrrggggh,” Thomas screamed, grabbing his head. “Just stop already!”
Chuck wasn’t listening, though. He wasn’t eating, either. He was just staring glumly at his plate.
“What’s wrong?” said Thomas.
“Nothin’,” said Chuck.
“If you’re not eating, something’s clearly wrong,” said Thomas. “Spill it.”
Chuck took a deep breath. “Thomas, do you think I’ll ever hook up with a girl?”
“Of course you will, dude!” Thomas said. “Don’t worry, we’ll get out of here soon.”
“But what if we don’t?” said Chuck.
For the first time, Thomas felt something that made him so angry he wanted to kill someone. Thanks to whoever created this place, Chuck might never have the experience of going to a crowded party in the filthy, sweaty basement of a fraternity with no air conditioning, drinking warm cheap beer to the point he was throwing up, hitting on every girl in sight and completely objectifying them rather than treating them like human beings, taking upstairs whichever girl happened to agree to it regardless of either looks or compatibility, hooking up with her in someone else’s bed that hadn’t had the sheets washed in months, falling asleep, sneaking out in the morning when he woke up, and not remembering a single thing about the experience.
How could anyone do that to Chuck?
“Chuck, I promise you, I will help get you out of here, and you will hook up with a girl,” said Thomas.
“Thanks,” said Chuck, smiling as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Hey Tom, if there’s any extra meatball pizza there could you put in the fridge for when I wake up?
“Stopppppp!” Thomas said, hitting himself on the head repeatedly.
“Better save some of that energy, shank,” said Minho, walking up to Thomas. “You’re gonna be needing every ounce of energy you’ve got.”
“Oh yeah?” said Thomas. “Why’s that?”
“We’ve decided to make you a Jogger,” said Minho. “And your training starts tomorrow.”
CHAPTER 17
Minho woke Thomas before dawn, motioning with a flashlight for Thomas to follow him to the frat house. Once there, Minho led Thomas to a small storage room, inside of which was a large trunk. Minho opened the trunk, and Thomas saw it was filled with thin, shiny shorts, just like those the Joggers wore.
“What size are you?” said Minho.
“Uh, medium?” said Thomas.
Minho handed Thomas a pair of shorts. Thomas looked at the label: the size was extra-extra-small.
“Uh, I said medium,” said Thomas.
“Just klunkin’ try them on,” said Minho.
Thomas put on the shorts. They were so short on him that his junk was showing.
“Perfect,” said Minho.
Minho then handed Thomas a pair of running shoes and one of those “quick dry” tank tops that’s supposed to be made out of a high tech moisture-wicking material but actually gets just as soaked as a normal shirt.
“You ready?” Minho said. Thomas nodded. “Good that,” said Minho. “Let’s go joggin’.”
CHAPTER 18
As soon as the walls opened up, Minho sprinted through the opening and Thomas followed him. Gosh, we’re running fast, Thomas thought. How am I gonna be able to keep this up all day?
“Let me know if you notice anything out of the ordinary!” shouted Minho from in front of Thomas. Thomas kept looking around as he ran, but it got boring pretty fast. It was basically just walls and ivy everywhere.
Thomas decided to try to pass the time by contacting Teresa. He didn’t know exactly how to contact her telepathically, so he just said words in his head while concentrating really hard.
Hey babe, it’s me, Thomas said in his head. You were lookin’ pretty cute yesterday.
Thomas listened for a reply, but didn’t hear anything. But then a few seconds later Thomas heard a voice in his head.
You were lookin’ pretty cute yourself.
But it wasn’t Teresa. It was the voice of a dude.
Uh, who is this? said Thomas in his head.
It’s Brian. We worked together at the Box Forest. I totally saw you checking me out. And I liked it.
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Thomas shouted, smacking himself in the head.
“What’s goin’ on back there?” said Minho, continuing to run. “Pay attention, klunkhead, we’re about to turn.”
Minho turned down a corridor and Thomas followed. Once they were a far enough down the corridor to be completely out of view of the Sausage Fest, Minho fell to his knees and collapsed, breathing heavily.
“Totally,” said Minho. “Just exhausted. That’s a little farther than I usually run. Normally I make the earlier turn.”
“You’re exhausted?” said Thomas. “But we’ve only been running for ten minutes.”
“Who do you think I am, a professional marathoner?” said Minho.
“So how long will we rest for?” said Thomas.
Minho looked at Thomas like it was the stupidest question ever. “’Til the gates close, klunkbrain! Just remember to look really exhausted when you run back in. Want some pizza?”
Minho pulled out some slices of pizza wrapped in tinfoil from his fanny pack.
“Wait a second,” Thomas said. “Are you telling me the Joggers only jog the Maze for ten minutes a day?”
“Actually, I think the average is more like six minutes,” said Minho. “But who’s counting.”
“Then how do you map out the Maze?” said Thomas.
“We don’t, you piece of klunk,” said Minho. “Why do you think we keep the map room locked up? We don’t want anyone to see that there aren’t actually any maps.”
“Minho, don’t you feel a little bad about this?” said Thomas. “You’re supposed to be helping everyone get out of here.”
“Are you really klunkin’ asking me if I feel bad about not shoveling klunk all day?” said Minho.
Hi Tom, how’s your day going?
It was Teresa. Thomas would’ve preferred to keep talking to Minho instead of talking to her, but unfortunately telepathy didn’t seem to have a “reject call and send directly to voicemail” option.
Everything’s fine, Teresa. What’s up? said Thomas in his head.
I think you might want to get back here, said Teresa.
Because you finally woke up and are dying for a butt massage? said Tom.
No, said Teresa, because I just triggered the ending.
CHAPTER 19
“Minho, we gotta head back!” said Thomas.
The Maze Bummer Page 3