I dried off, slipped into my lounging gown, and walked back into the bedroom. “What are you doing?” I said when I noticed Greg sitting up on the bed with his laptop.
“I was just looking at some tickets to a comedy show. Mike Epps is at Reliant this weekend and, well, I was hoping I could take you.”
I forced a smile. I loved comedy shows, and any other time I would’ve been thrilled that my husband had taken the initiative. However, I was in no mood to laugh. But I knew if I protested, Greg would continue trying to make up for last night, and that would only make me feel even more guilty. Right then I just wanted to be left alone.
“I’d like that. Why don’t you go get the tickets in person? You know, if you buy them online, they have that ridiculous surcharge. Plus, I’d really like some ibuprofen.”
He looked up in concern. “What’s wrong?”
“I just have a headache. And we don’t have any pain medication,” I said, praying he didn’t go check the medicine cabinet.
“Okay. I’ll go pick up the tickets and get you some Advil.” He had researched the subject thoroughly, and that was what we had to have in the house. He closed the laptop and came over to kiss me. “I hate when you stay away overnight. Promise me that no matter what kind of jerk I am, you won’t stay at Fran’s again.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything. He assumed I’d spent the night at Fran’s because that’s where I usually went when we argued, which lately had been quite frequently. I was actually surprised that he hadn’t called Fran’s looking for me, but I know he hated people being in our business. Greg’s obsessive ways were driving me insane. The worst of them was, we had to have weekly meetings to review where every dime was spent. He calculated, down to the penny, how much money we were blowing by letting the faucet drip, or leaving the bathroom light on. All he did was work, nitpick, then work some more.
As soon as Greg left on his errands, I went to his laptop and typed in “what happens when you leave the scene of a crime?” I had been searching for ten minutes when my cell rang. Fran’s name popped up on the screen. She’d tried to call earlier, but I was working and I’d forgotten to call her back.
I answered, “I’m fine, Fran.”
“You know I have to check, girl. So, are you holding up okay?”
“As well as can be expected,” I replied with a heavy sigh. “I worked today so I didn’t have to be around the house. I was scared I would confess.”
“Good grief, remind me never to rob a bank with you,” Fran said. “Your conscience is eating at you, and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.”
I added a little steel to my voice. “I’m sorry, I don’t know proper etiquette for killing someone.”
“You didn’t kill him, not literally, anyway. But I am gonna start calling you the kitty slayer.” She laughed. I didn’t.
“Fran, would you stop playing around? This is serious. I just know Paula is going to call me any minute now and tell me the police have showed up at her house.”
She sighed like I was spoiling her fun. “Fine, and when that phone call comes, you need to fall down on the floor and scream, ‘Oh, Lawd, not Steven. Don’t tell me Steven is gone home to glory!’ ”
I knew my sister was being her usual silly self, but I was so not in the mood. Steven was dead. A man I’d loved without even realizing how much I loved him was gone. And I had no idea how I’d live with that. Or the guilt of bringing on whatever killed him.
“Bye, Fran. I’ll talk to you later,” I said.
“So what did Greg say?” she said, ignoring my good-bye.
I closed the laptop. “He’s apologizing for being such a jerk.”
“Oh, wow. I know that’s not helping your conscience.”
“You know it’s not. But look, I need to go. I’m fine, okay?”
If Fran kept trying to keep me on the phone, I was going to hang up on her. But luckily, she said, “Okay, sis. But seriously, relax. Everything is going to be all right.”
“Okay. Bye.”
I hung up the phone. Fran was dead wrong. Something told me it would be a long time before everything was ever all right again.
12
Felise
I FELT AWFUL, YET THE little voice in my head kept trying to convince me otherwise.
He was yours first.
I shook away that thought. I’d let Steven go, all but handed him to my best friend with my blessing. I’d denied that I had any feelings, and now I was paying the ultimate price. Fran joked about me killing him, but the more I thought about it, maybe she was right. I knew he had a heart condition. Paula had told me that years ago, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Still, I knew it. Why didn’t I think about that?
That was not the only burden I had to carry. Now that I knew he had never stopped loving me either, I had to spend the rest of my life wondering what would’ve happened if I never had let him go.
As I sat alone in the empty bedroom, my mind drifted back to the time that I had made such a terrible mistake.
“Hey, you,” I said, racing into Steven’s arms as I picked up him from the baggage claim. I hadn’t seen him in six months, and I was surprised at how happy I was. “You got a beard and everything.” I rubbed his chin. “I send you to DC a boy, and you come back a man.”
He gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “What you talking about, girl? I was a man long before I set foot on DC soil.”
“You look good.” I squeezed his biceps. “Muscles and everything. I guess Paula and Ms. Jean feeding you good up there.”
“Yeah, they’re taking care of me.”
Yet the look on his face had me uneasy. I knew Steven well, and I could tell when he was hiding something.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.
He flashed a smile. “Naw, I’m cool. Just a long flight.”
“Well, all that hard work will be worth it soon because you’re going to blow up. You’re about to be a bona fide attorney.”
“Yeah, I hope so. Law school is kicking my butt, so I just hope that I can make it.”
Something unspoken was still wrong. “Boy, please. You graduated with a 3.7. You know you’re acing law school.”
“Nah.” He laughed. “Didn’t I tell you? I’m thinking of dropping out and going to barber school.”
I gave him a playful push. We laughed some more as he tossed his luggage in the back of my car. “You hungry?” I asked as we pulled off.
“Starving,” he replied.
“Cool, I figured we’d go to Beef N Bun,” I said, referring to our favorite eatery.
On the ride over, we fell back into our comfortable groove, laughing and talking about everything under the sun.
At the restaurant, we got our food, settled in, and I made more small talk. I didn’t know what had changed, but Steven once again didn’t seem himself.
“Okay, now that we’ve said our hellos and shot the breeze, tell me what’s really going on,” I said, looking him dead in the eye.
He shrugged. “Same ol’, same ol’. But what’s going on with you? You still dating Rain Man?”
I cracked up, laughing at his name for Greg. “He’s not Rain Man, he just has a few obsessive tendencies.”
“So when am I gonna meet Mr. Good Guy? Since you’re raving about him all the time.”
“He’s actually going to meet us here.” I glanced at my watch. Greg wasn’t feeling me coming to pick up Steven alone. He had no appreciation for our friendship, so I’d tried to ease his worries by having him meet us.
He said jokingly, “Cool, but you know if I don’t approve, you have to dump him.”
“Oh, is that how we’re doing it now?”
He nodded. “Yep, you had to have a say in who I’m dating, so I have to give my stamp of approval.”
My eyebrows rose in shock. “Dating? So you and Paula are dating now?”
The expression on his face said he felt like he’d put his foot in his mouth.
“Yeah, we’re ki
nda kicking it,” he admitted.
I don’t know why, but that put my stomach in knots. “Kickin’ it, like we’re-having-a-good-time kickin’ it?” I clarified. “Or kickin’ it, like we’re-really-feelin’-each-other kickin’ it?”
He didn’t respond, and he lost his smile.
“Steven, what’s going on?” I said. “I can tell you’re keeping something from me.”
He took a deep breath, then said, “I don’t know how to say this.”
His tone made me set my fork down. “How about you just come right out and say it?”
Steven released a heavy sigh. “Paula is pregnant.”
The knots in my stomach twisted in a tight fist. I couldn’t even get words to come out of my mouth. “Wow,” I finally managed to say.
“I mean, I don’t know how it happened.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t?”
“I mean, of course I know how it happened. She’s just, well, she’s as shocked as I am,” he stammered.
“Is she keeping it?” I asked bluntly. I know Paula and I weren’t as close as we used to be since she moved back to DC but I couldn’t believe that she hadn’t shared that with me.
“What?”
Steven narrowed his eyes, and I immediately felt bad.
“No, I’m not saying she should have an abortion,” I said, trying to backpedal. “I just thought, you know, with school and all, all I was saying . . .” I didn’t know what I was saying, so I let my words trail off. All I knew was this had to be the most devastating news I’d ever heard.
“So, what are you going to do?” I finally asked.
“Well, I came home to break the news to my parents, and you know what they’re going to want me to do.”
I held my breath as I waited for the next words.
“They’ll want me to marry her.”
“Marriage?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “How do you feel about that?”
“How should I feel?”
We stared at each other. I didn’t know what to say. Not until that very moment—when the thought of Steven’s happily-ever-after with someone else was about to become a reality—did I realize that I wasn’t being honest with myself about Steven. Because the pain I felt was overwhelming me.
Tears began welling up in my eyes, but before either of us could say anything, Greg walked in.
“Well, this must be the great Steven,” he said, approaching our table. I immediately willed my tears back and swallowed the lump in my throat.
“And you must be Mr. Wonderful himself, Greg.” Steven stood to shake his hand. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Both Steven and I managed fake smiles. Greg put his arm around me and pulled me close. His hug didn’t feel warm at all. In fact, it felt tight and possessive. Suddenly, I was glad that I’d never told him that Steven and I had slept together. Steven and I had both agreed that since it was a mistake for us to cross the line, we needed to forget it ever happened.
“Well, that’s good because the way she raves about you, I was beginning to wonder if I should be worried,” Greg said, pulling me even tighter.
Steven laughed uneasily. “Naw, she’s like my little sister. Nothing going on here but the best of friends.”
Little sister? Best of friends? Who would’ve ever thought those words could be so painful?
I wriggled to get Greg to let go a hair. I said, forcing a smile as I glared at Steven, “See, I told you, baby. We’re just like brother and sister. And besides, Steven was just sharing the good news with me.”
“What good news?” Greg asked.
“Looks like him and Paula are about to have a baby.”
“What? Congrats, man.” Greg extended his hand again.
Steven shook it. “Yeah, it’s not the ideal situation with me being in my first year of law school, but life happens.”
“I feel you, but from what Felise has told me, if anybody can make it work, you can. Y’all getting married?”
I waited for that answer.
“Yeah, probably.”
It took everything in my power to keep my knees from buckling.
“Well, let me know, man. Maybe I can chip in on the bachelor party.” He leaned in and kissed me on the lips, like a dog staking its claim. “And who knows? Maybe we can have a double wedding.”
STEVEN HAD RETURNED TO DC after that visit, and the distance between us began, both literally and figuratively. Paula started calling me more. A part of me sensed that she was trying to make sure that I was okay with everything. But she was pregnant with his child, so what was I supposed to say at that point? I’d given her my blessing, and I definitely couldn’t take that back now. So I continued to assure her that I was happy for her and for Steven.
I couldn’t take Steven’s calls, though. He called often, trying to gauge where my head was. The few times I did take his call, I was abrupt and I could tell that he knew my excitement was fake. Thinking of Paula and Steven married with children hurt my heart to the core. And I never told a soul.
But that’s why, one day, when Greg made a haphazard proposal at Joe’s Crab Shack, I jumped to accept. We had been dating for nine months, and besides his few obsessive tendencies, he was a good guy, so I said, “Sure.” That was the extent of our proposal.
He bought me a miniscule ring from JCPenney. I almost died when he turned away from the one-and-a-half-carat ring I was eyeing, pointed at the smallest diamond in the case, told the clerk we’d take that one, then handed her a 20-percent-off coupon. When I started making wedding plans, he took one look at my budget and decided that it made “absolutely no sense to spend that kind of money on a wedding.” I protested at first, but then Paula emailed me a photo of her elegant wedding dress. I knew I’d never have a dress like that, so why bother? Greg and I went to the justice of the peace three days later.
I took great pride in telling Steven that I was married. His long silence told me that my declaration of love for Greg stung, and I was glad. I wanted him to feel the same pain I did. He never let on, though. And I took my place as a bridesmaid at their wedding. I fought back tears as I watched them say, “I do.” I led the toast for the married couple to have a lifetime of joy. And I convinced myself that I wasn’t in love with my best friend’s husband.
13
Paula
I WAS BEYOND WORRIED NOW. It was nine the next morning. I still hadn’t heard from Steven. I’d logged on to AT&T and seen that he still hadn’t made any calls since we talked, which only intensified my worry.
I was about to break into a full-fledged panic when my mother appeared in the bedroom doorway.
“Umm, Paula.” She looked extremely nervous as she fidgeted with her hands. “The police are here.”
“The police?” I said, jumping up off my bed. “For what?” In my distracted state I hadn’t heard the doorbell ring. “Are the kids back? Where’s Tahiry?” I asked as I slipped on some pants.
“I went and picked up Tahiry last night. She and the boys are downstairs.”
“Well, what do the police want?”
My mom didn’t answer as she followed me out. I had barely reached the bottom of the stairs when the first officer said, “Mrs. Wright?”
“Yes?” I replied, taking slow steps in their direction.
The first officer glanced at Tahiry and her brothers, who were all standing in the middle of the living room, staring at him.
“Ummm, is there somewhere we can go talk in private?”
“Private? Why do we need to talk in private?” I asked, my voice squeaking. “Is this about my husband? Did something happen to Steven?”
“Please? It’ll just take a few minutes,” the officer said.
I didn’t like the way this was sounding. “Mom, can you take the kids in the other room?”
Tahiry wanted to protest, but the look on my face must’ve told her that now wasn’t the time. My mother took Mason and Marcus’s hands and led them out. Tahiry an
d Stevie reluctantly followed.
“What’s going on?” I asked as soon as they were out the room.
“Well, it is about your husband”—he glanced down at his notepad—“Steven Wright.”
My heart immediately sank. “What about him? He’s fine, right? Where is he? Has he been arrested?”
“Ma’am, unfortunately, there’s been an accident.”
I fell back against the wall. I had to hold on to the railing to keep from losing my balance. “What kind of accident?”
The officers exchanged glances; then the second one, a compassionate-looking man, stepped forward. “I’m sorry to have to inform you of this, but Steven’s body was discovered in a local hotel this—”
“Wh-what do you mean, body?” I said, cutting him off. Surely this had to be some kind of mistake. I felt my mom ease to my side and take my arm, trying to keep me from collapsing. “Where’s my husband?”
“Sweetie, calm down,” my mom whispered, her voice shaking.
I jerked away. “No, what are you talking about?”
The second officer looked pained. “Ma’am, there’s no easy way to say this. Your . . . Your husband was found dead in his hotel room this morning. One of the housekeepers found him in his bed unresponsive. Of course, the coroner will give the final report, but it looks like he just died in his sleep.”
All of the breath inside me escaped, and I fell to the floor. I didn’t realize that I was screaming until Tahiry came running out.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” she cried.
“There has to be some kind of mistake,” I heard my mother say.
“Mom, what’s going on?” Tahiry frantically repeated.
“Get her out of here!” I screamed at my mom.
Tahiry jerked away as my mom tried to take her arm. “No, I’m not going anywhere! What’s going on?”
I looked at my daughter, then opened my arms to hug her. “They said your dad is gone,” I sobbed when she didn’t move.
“Gone where? When . . . when is he coming back?” She stammered, turning her gaze from me to the officers.
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