“So, are you ready?” Felise asked. She looked more like the widow than I did. We both had on simple black dresses, but Felise wore a small pillbox hat with a netted veil hanging over her face. Any other time I would’ve talked about that hat, but today—on the worst day of my life—her attire was the least of my concerns.
“Hold on before we go,” I said, taking her hand. “I just want to tell you how much it means to me that you’re here.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “Where else would I be?”
“I’m lucky to have a friend like you. I know my mom is trying to be strong, but she’s more emotional than I am. So is Steven’s mom. I don’t know how I would get through this without you.”
She shifted, like I was making her uncomfortable, then said, “Come on, let’s go.”
I draped my arm through hers as my children, my best friend, and I headed to bury my husband.
“BEAUTIFUL SERVICE, PAULA. STEVEN WAS a good man.”
I smiled as Steven’s boss looked at me through sorrow-filled eyes. We had come back at my house for the repast, along with just about everyone from the service. People were wall to wall.
“Just know that if you or the kids need anything, I’m here.”
I patted his hand, which covered mine. “Thank you, Mr. Chimere. My friend Felise will be staying with me a few days. She’ll make sure I’m taken care of.”
Felise’s eyes bucked. I knew I hadn’t talked to her about that, but I knew it wouldn’t be a problem.
“It’s so wonderful to have great friends,” Mr. Chimere said to her.
“Thank you,” Felise said, her voice soft.
I greeted more people until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. “I gotta get out of here. I’m going to lie down. Come with me for a minute,” I said, taking Felise’s hand and pulling her down the hallway. As soon as the door to my bedroom closed, I collapsed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I cried. “How am I supposed to make it through all the days to come?”
“You’re a strong woman. You’re going to pull it together and keep moving,” Felise said matter-of-factly.
Her eyes looked wracked with pain, reminding me once again that I wasn’t the only one grieving.
I sat up on the bed. “I’m sorry. You were close to Steven, and I know you’re hurting, too.”
She forced a smile. “This isn’t about me. This is about you and the kids. So you have to be strong for them.”
“I know. It’s just the guilt is killing me. My last words to him. I didn’t want a divorce.”
“Shhh,” she said. “Now’s not the time. Tell you what, why don’t you lie down? I will take care of everything out there. You just rest, okay?”
I nodded. Flopping down on the bed did feel like the best thing in the world right then. “Where’s my mom and Charlene?”
“Your mom is already lying down, and Charlene is keeping the boys entertained. Tahiry and Liz are in her room.”
I hoped my mom was fine. She’d actually passed out at the service, but I didn’t have the stamina to deal with anyone else right then, so I was grateful for Felise for taking on that task.
Felise headed toward the door. I stopped her just before she opened it. “Felise?”
“Yeah?” she said, turning toward me.
“I love you.”
She hesitated, and a slow tear escaped from her eyes. “I love you, too, Paula. I really do.”
I smiled and crawled under my covers, confident that my friend would make sure everything was handled.
21
Felise
“ARE YOU OKAY?” GREG SAID, approaching me. I nodded as I slowly massaged the back of my neck.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied. “It’s just been a stressful day.” I know Paula hadn’t wanted so many people back at her house, and I surely didn’t either. We both wanted people to pay their respects and leave us to our grief. But Steven’s mom was a true Southern matriarch, and according to her, “Steven wouldn’t be able to rest in peace unless he got a proper send-off, and that includes a repast.”
“I just got Paula to lie down for a while,” I said. “This is really hard on her.”
He pulled my chin up and looked me in the eye. “It is hard on you, too. You don’t look good.”
I snatched myself away from his grasp. I didn’t need him making me perfect today. “How am I supposed to look?”
He drew back in shock, and I sighed. I had to stop snapping at him.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just . . .”
He put a finger to my lips. “It’s okay, honey. No apology needed.” I was grateful for the reprieve and changed the subject as soon as I could.
“Those were nice words you spoke at the service today,” I said. Putting Steven in the ground had to have been one of the most painful things I’d ever done in my life.
“I am surprised you didn’t want to say anything.”
“Nah, I think you represented well,” I replied.
Greg continued to study me. I must not have been making the right responses. “Do you need anything?” he asked. “I’m worried about you.”
The last thing I needed was him reading anything extra into my grief. “I’m fine,” I said, “really I am. But I could use some water.”
I wasn’t really thirsty. I just wanted Greg to leave me alone.
“Okay, one water coming right up,” he said, squeezing my hand before heading into the kitchen.
I watched my husband walk away so purposefully, and I wondered how we would ever fix us. Amidst my mourning I had come to realize a truth that should have been apparent to me long ago. I had put up with so much for so long because honestly, I think I lived vicariously through Paula and Steven. Even if I couldn’t be with him, I wanted to be a better wife because of him. How could I continue to do that with Steven gone?
“Very nice ceremony.”
I turned toward the voice coming from behind me.
“Oh, hey, Sabrina,” I said, leaning in to give her a hug.
Sabrina Fulton was my roommate from freshman year of college. We’d fallen out right before school ended, and then she didn’t come back sophomore year. I’d seen her several times over the years, and we were both cordial to each other. I was just glad that we’d put our petty spats behind us. “I didn’t know you knew Steven.”
She leaned back against the wall and shrugged. “I didn’t. But remember, Paula used to hang out with us when she was visiting you in college.”
I tried not to frown in confusion. I didn’t know they still talked.
“It’s so beautiful how you’re there for Paula,” Sabrina said.
“Thank you,” I replied. “Just trying to be there for my best friend.”
“Yep,” Sabrina said, taking a sip of her drink. “Good ol’ Felise. Always the good girl of the group. The one everyone wanted to be like, who could do no wrong.”
Her tone made me uncomfortable. “Ah, are you going somewhere with this?”
“Nah, I just want to compliment you.” She flashed a tight smile. “I love to see women sticking together.”
“Oh, okay.” I didn’t really care for Sabrina anymore, so I said, “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check on the kids.”
“Yeah, that’s right. You’re godmother to the oldest.”
I smiled and nodded. “Yes, Tahiry.”
“Well, you go take care of them and I’ll talk to you later.” She turned to walk off, then stopped. “Oh, yeah,” she said, turning around. “Zen told me you were at the bar the other night.”
The mention of a bar put me on my guard. “Who’s Zen?”
“The bartender,” she said, looking me directly in the eye. “You know, at my job, at the Four Seasons. I introduced you to him the last time you and some of your sorority sisters were there for happy hour a few months ago.”
My mind started churning as I recalled that day. We’d already been at the bar an hour when Sabrina started her shift. She’d made personal
introductions, and Zen hooked us up with drinks the rest of the night.
I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten that. That’s why Zen had greeted me like he knew me when I first sat down at the bar. I thought he was just being friendly to get a bigger tip. Maybe if I had remembered meeting him before—shoot, if I’d remembered that Sabrina worked there—that would’ve kept me from going to Steven’s room.
Sabrina continued, “He told me that you were upset and getting pretty toasted, but luckily,” she added slowly, “you had someone to help you get over whatever was bothering you.”
I couldn’t move as she kept talking. “I hate I missed you, though,” she said. “Hate I was off that night, period. I heard there was quite a bit of action that night. There was a fight in the bar, and then of course the stuff with Steven.”
I was still frozen as Greg walked up. “Here, hon.”
Sabrina broke out in a huge smile. “You go on and see about those kids now.” She set her glass down and turned to Greg. “Hi, I’m Sabrina Fulton. You must be Felise’s wonderful husband.”
Greg smiled and shook her hand. “Greg Mavins, nice to meet you. Are you a friend of Paula’s?”
“Kinda sorta, by way of Felise here,” she replied. “Felise and I used to be roommates our freshman year, and we all would hang out whenever Paula came to town. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but I work at the Four Seasons, so I’m trying to help Paula figure out what happened to her husband.”
I sucked in air and tried to keep from passing out. Greg didn’t seem to notice, but Sabrina smirked.
“Such a shame,” Greg replied. “They say it was his heart, so I don’t know what else there is to find out, but I know Paula is just looking for some peace.”
“Yep,” Sabrina said, “and I’m hoping I can help her find it.” She turned her malicious smile on me. “Well, I must get going. Give my condolences to your BFF.” She actually reached out and hugged me, and it took everything in my power to hug her back.
As she backed away, I had to lean against Greg to keep from losing my balance. Sabrina was a hood girl who had landed at UT on a track scholarship, and I knew all about her survival instincts. Her street ways would mean major trouble for me, if she knew anything about that night.
She doesn’t know anything, I told myself.
“Greg, it was nice to meet you.” She took out her iPhone. “Felise, give me your number so we can . . . catch up.”
“Uh . . .” I began.
“Oh, I know today isn’t a good day. I can call Paula later and get it from her if you prefer.”
I quickly took her phone. “No, I’ll put it in.”
She stood there with a stupid grin on her face as I programmed my number in her phone.
“Cool,” she said, taking the phone when I was done. “I’ll be in touch.”
She flashed one last smile before she took off. As she walked away, Greg put his arm around me and said, “I sure hope she can help Paula get some closure.”
I hugged him tighter, but only because I realized what Sabrina wanted. She knew. The question now was exactly what she planned on doing with that knowledge.
22
Paula
MARTIN LAWRENCE DANCED ACROSS MY television screen. He was in rare form playing his neighbor Sheneneh Jenkins. That used to make both me and Steven crack up laughing. But now I stared blankly at the television. Even if I did find it funny, was I supposed to laugh? Was I supposed to laugh ever again? How could I watch our favorite shows? How could I find joy in the little things we used to do together? How could I do any of that ever again?
My door eased open and Tahiry peeked her head in. “Mom, Grandma Lois said she’s about to head out. She needs to get to the airport.”
I knew that I’d been a horrible host to my mother-in-law, but hopefully, she understood. Steven’s father had passed several years ago, so she knew the pain of what I was going through.
Lois peeked her head in. “You don’t have to get up.”
I was already on the edge of the bed. “No, I need to see you out.”
Lois walked in the room, and the look on her face told me it pained her to enter her son’s bedroom.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Lois asked.
“I’ll be fine,” I replied.
Concern blanketed her face. “I’m really worried about you.”
I managed a smile, even though I was so unhappy. “My mom is here. Seriously, I’ll be okay.”
“I feel like I need to move back here. We still have the house on Danforth.” Lois had moved to Florida after her husband died, and I knew how much she loved living there.
“No. I’m fine. You don’t need to be worried about me or the kids,” I told her.
She nodded in acceptance. “Okay. I hope I’ll still be able to see the kids.”
I squeezed her hand. “You know I would never keep you away from your kids. You’re their link to their father.”
She seemed relieved. She had always been cordial to me, but we’d never had the relationship I’d envisioned having with my in-laws. I think part of the reason was because she was disappointed in my getting pregnant before we were married. But thankfully, she’d never treated me with ill will. And regardless of how she initially felt, she loved her grandchildren and had always played a vital role in their lives.
“Well, I’m going to keep you in my prayers. I know your mom is here, but you let me know if you need anything,” she replied.
I stood up and hugged her. “I will, and I’ll let you know if I hear anything else about Steven’s death.”
That caused her to stop in her tracks. “What else would you hear?”
It suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t shared my concerns with her. “I meant when I get the autopsy results.”
“Autopsy? But he died of heart failure. Why are you doing an autopsy? You think it’s something else?”
“No, I just want to be sure, that’s all.”
That seemed to pacify her, and she squeezed my hand one last time. “You let me know if you need anything.”
I waved good-bye and returned to my bed. I tossed and turned, but was unable to go back to sleep.
Five endless days had passed since we put Steven in the ground. They say the pain is supposed to get easier, but it hadn’t. I didn’t know how I was going to find the strength to move on. Having a job might have helped. I needed something to take me away from sitting around here, wallowing in self-pity.
I finally gave up my quest for sleep and picked up the phone to call Felise. Maybe we could go have lunch. Her phone bounced to voice mail. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral, which was pretty frustrating. I know that she was grieving, too. I know that she was hurt by losing Steven. But we would heal better if we grieved together.
I hung up and made my way downstairs. The kids were in the kitchen, sitting quietly at the table.
“Hey,” they muttered in unison.
Every one of them looked sad.
“Do you guys want me to fix you something to eat?
“Grandma Lois cooked for us before she left,” Tahiry said.
“Tahiry’s food tastes nasty,” Mason said.
“Forget you,” Tahiry replied.
“Where’s Charlene?” I asked.
“I don’t know. She went out.”
I sighed. “Where’s Mama?”
“In her room, same place you were, in the bed,” Tahiry said. It seemed like she had an attitude.
“I’m sorry, guys. This is just hard.”
“We know,” Tahiry said.
I rubbed Marcus’s hair. “Just bear with me, okay? It’s not going to be like this forever.”
“I miss Daddy,” Mason said.
Unexpectedly, in the middle of playing his handheld video game, Stevie let out a huge sob and laid his head down on the table. He had been so strong. He’d cried silent tears at the funeral and, at one point, tried to comfort me by telling me he would now be the man of the house. I realized at t
hat point I wasn’t the only one grieving. And if nothing else, I needed to find the strength to help my kids get through this as well.
23
Felise
I KNEW THAT PAULA NEEDED me. So I had to pull myself together so that I could be there for her. Fran was right. It would start to look suspicious if she kept turning to me and I shunned her.
“Mom, can I—?”
“What?” I snapped. “Why aren’t you in the bed?”
My daughter flinched. “I just wanted to ask you something. Never mind.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”
My precious daughter stared at me through innocent eyes. Even though she was thirteen, she wasn’t like a lot of her friends—she was mature for her age. With her long, naturally curly hair, underdeveloped chest, and long, athletic legs, she hadn’t come into her looks yet, and that was fine with me.
“I was just asking if I could go over to Tahiry’s house in the morning,” Liz said.
“No,” I replied. In the week since the funeral I hadn’t been back over there. Liz had been over there every day. But between trying to figure out Sabrina’s sarcastic comments and stewing in my own guilt and grief, I hadn’t been able to make the trip myself. “There’s a lot going on right now.”
“But Mom . . .”
“What did I say?” I snapped. “When I say no, I mean no!”
She took a step back as Greg eased into the room.
“Liz, sweetie, go on to bed. We’ll talk about it tomorrow,” Greg said.
“What is there to talk about? I already said no.”
He waited for Liz to disappear down the hall, then closed our bedroom door. “I understand that Steven’s death is weighing heavily on you. But taking it out on your child is not the answer.”
I rolled my eyes. With his work schedule, he was hardly the one to lecture me about our daughter. “I’m not taking anything out on anyone.”
“Yeah, you are.” Greg sat down on the edge of the bed. “I know you’re upset, but you are taking it out on us and that’s not fair. We all are sad about what happened.”
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