Paulie pulled back from me a bit and looked down. “I planned on giving it to you.” He rubbed my nose with his. “You need a car.”
“I don’t,” I insisted.
The reason I didn’t have one was because he and Chad always drove me places. However, I didn’t think I could afford the upkeep on a car. That was not something I wanted my parents to help me with. I would get a car when I could pay for it all on my own.
“How about you just hold onto it for me?” Paulie looked into my eyes. “I’ll be back. I can still pay for the insurance. When I come home, you can pick me up at the airport.” His smile held a hint of sadness.
I bit my lip for a few seconds. “OK.”
“Let’s get a move on.” Daniel put a hand on my back. “Gonna miss you, hotness.” He kissed my cheek, and then squeezed my ass. “Gonna miss this, too.”
Paulie swatted him on the arm. “Get the fuck off her.”
“We’ll be downstairs,” Andy told us.
As soon as the room was quiet, Paulie looked around. Most of his things were either in storage or already downstairs. I was sure it was not easy for him to up and leave in two weeks. If I had gone with them, it would have been complicated getting everything together so fast.
“So this is it.” He held my hand in his. “Until you come visit.” He tugged me to him again and kissed my lips. “Not gonna be easy.”
“It’s not,” I whispered.
He started digging in his pocket. “Here.” He put his keys in my hand. “There’s one to the storage room on there and the car keys. Please drive safe.”
“I will.” The tears started to fall again.
He kissed my eyes and wiped at the tears. “If you cry, so will I.” He took a deep breath. “We should go.”
We walked downstairs slowly, him carrying my bag. I made sure I packed all my things so I wouldn’t have to step foot in the apartment again. Andy stood next to a large SUV outside the building. The lift gate was open. It was filled to the brim with luggage. Paulie walked up to it and handed Andy his last bag.
Chad stood close by. “Ready to go, Crystal?”
“She’s taking my car home.” Paulie smiled at me. “Hope you guys can get out there next month.” He put his arms out to me.
My hands shook as I stepped into his embrace. I couldn’t reply. Emotion clogged my throat, and I didn’t know what to say anyway. He gave me a bear hug, which hurt, but I stayed silent.
“Take care of her, Chad. Please.” Paulie let me go and shook Chad’s hand. “Don’t let her miss me too much.”
Chad nodded. “Take care of yourself too.” He stepped in for a quick hug. Then he did the same to Andy and Daniel. “Good luck out there.” Finally, he turned to me. “She can’t drive like this.”
“Uh…” Paulie looked my way.
I broke down as reality hit me hard.
“God. I’m so sorry.” Paulie grabbed me and tugged me into his arms again. “Maybe I should stay.”
I shook my head. “No. You can’t. The guys are counting on you.”
“But—”
“You have to go.” I pushed his chest. “I’m fine. Go.”
He lifted my chin. “I’ll drive you home first. Chad’s right. You can’t drive this upset.”
“We’ll follow you,” Andy announced.
The trip was a blur, as most of the past two weeks had been. It seemed like my brain was protecting me. When we were at my parent’s house, I looked out the window. This can’t be it. How can I lose him like this? I felt lost and unsure about everything.
“I’ll text you when I can.” Paulie patted my thigh. “Tomorrow, we can get online and talk. Andy has his laptop.”
All I did was nod.
Then he slapped my leg. “I gotta go.” He helped me out of the car and had me in his arms seconds later. “We’re gonna be late. I love you.”
I looked up, tears streaking down my cheeks. “It’s OK. Go. I’m fine.”
Chad was then at my side. “I got her. Go.”
A final kiss, and Paulie was gone. We watched the SUV head off until it was out of sight. I looked up to see my mother on the porch. She looked a bit sad as well. Paulie had said his goodbyes to my parents at dinner the night before. His family had driven in from Long Island. The only one missing was Natalie. She had transferred to a school in New York City and never looked back.
“Come on. I got your bag.” Chad slung it over his shoulder and supported me with his other arm.
It was a good thing he held onto me. I found it hard to breathe, never mind walk. Slowly, he led me up to my room. I’m sure my mom said something, but all I heard was Paulie’s voice. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I limped into my room and sat on the bed.
“You OK?” Chad set my bag in front of a dresser. “Should I stay?”
I stared at the floor and replied, “I’m fine.”
He didn’t push. “I’m gonna ask Ma something.”
As soon as he was out the door, I rushed and slammed it shut, securing the lock. Then I turned the stereo on full blast and started throwing anything I could get my hands on. My heartache had turned to rage. Why was life shitting on me again? What’d I do to deserve this? I screamed and punched the walls and furniture until my hands hurt.
“Open the door!” Chad shouted as he knocked loudly.
I ignored him and started flinging books against a wall. When there were no more in sight, I ripped the blanket and sheets off my bed, shouting wildly. Nothing was helping. I went back to hitting the wall with my hands, needing the pain to make it better.
All of a sudden, strong arms were around me. “Baby girl, please. Please talk to me.” Chad held my back against his chest. My arms pinned to my sides. “Don’t hurt yourself. Talk to me.”
Instead, I fell apart, sobbing uncontrollably. My knees buckled. Then we were on the floor, with me in his lap as he rocked me gently. My life with Paulie flashed before my eyes. I felt like I was falling into an abyss.
Then Gasoline’s “Tortured Soul” came on the radio. My body went limp as I listened to Dean Johnson sing. I could relate to some of the lyrics. Although I felt more like a tragic soul than a tortured one. Was “Tragic Soul” even a phrase? If not, I coined it. My life for the past year or so had been filled with great happiness and tragic moments that shaped me and changed the course of my life. When would I have a happy ending? Never?
Chapter 22
Chad stuck close to me for the next two weeks. I didn’t answer Paulie’s texts or calls, which came quite often. I couldn’t even stand to hear his name. The music I listened to was mostly dark or sad. Songs like “Tortured Soul” by Gasoline, “Pain” by Three Days Grace, “45” by Shinedown, "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva, “Fade to Black” by Metallica and “The Fires of Hell” by Wicked End. I couldn’t relate to anything upbeat. Thankfully, I wasn’t suicidal.
It took Chad all of one day to see through me. He found me in bed crying with my phone in my hand the day after Paulie left. Paulie had texted that he loved me and missed me. I couldn’t stand it. When I felt Chad hug me from behind, I stiffened, thinking it was Paulie. Then Chad whispered to me that he understood. He didn’t have to say anymore. We were that connected.
He came to check on me daily. When Paulie started texting and calling him, he lied for me. Even with his support, I became progressively worse. My heart ached 24/7. It was too much. He had to force me to go out and eat. I didn’t care about anything. Moping around the house was all I was capable of. I even had to take a leave from my job. Good thing I was friends with the manager.
The first Sunday in August, I didn’t get out of bed except for the bathroom. Chad had gone to a wedding in Connecticut with Amy and stayed overnight. He had been reluctant to meet her family, but she promised to introduce him as only her friend. When I encouraged him, he agreed. It had been the loneliest two days of my life. I slept most of it away. The rest of the time, I stared at the ceiling and listened to music.
“She wa
sn’t kidding,” Chad said as he walked into the room around dinnertime. “I thought Ma was exaggerating.” He sat on my bed next to me. “Baby, you need to talk to him, so you can stop torturing yourself. This is not something that just goes away. You can’t ignore Paulie forever. He’s gonna wind up doing something stupid.”
I wanted to turn to him, but I couldn’t. Paulie’s messages had been coming closer together, but I hadn’t read any of them. It wasn’t really fair ignoring him, but I didn’t know how to tell him it was over. That he was free to live his life and fuck whoever he wanted. He had no need to worry about being faithful. Suddenly, my eyes welled up with tears, and I curled into a ball, sobbing.
“I wish I could fix this.” Chad’s body pressed against mine harder as he stroked my arm. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wanna take this pain away so bad.” He nuzzled my neck and didn’t let go until I relaxed a bit. “You need a shower.” He laughed softly.
Normally, I was sort of fanatical about cleanliness. I took multiple showers most days. That had changed. I hadn’t washed for three days at least by then. Unable to care, I didn’t react to his jab. I knew he was just trying to get me to take care of myself.
“If you don’t care about how clean you are, then this is serious.” He exhaled over my neck. “Ma said you haven’t come outta this room since I left. Smells like it.” He poked at my side.
I didn’t move. Why bother? I felt as if I let my soul go with Paulie, and I was left with nothing. What a tragic loss of my soul. Right? That’s what I’ll be forever, a tragic soul like I said, destined to be alone and unloved. Sorrow consumed me. I couldn’t see a way out anymore.
“Talk to me. Please,” Chad pleaded. “I’m gonna throw you in the shower myself if you don’t get outta bed.”
I shrugged and hugged my pillow. The bed moved as he untangled himself from me. He walked around to my side and picked up my phone on the nightstand. I watched him flip through missed calls, voicemails, and unread texts.
“How can you do this to him?” Chad shook the phone at me. “You say you love him, but you pretend this ain’t happening? Fuck this. I’m gonna make you face this.” His phone rang, and he growled. Then his expression softened. “Hey, Amy.”
I turned away, trying to go back to sleep.
“I need your help,” he said. “Come over to Crystal’s house. She’s a fuckin’ wreck.”
When he didn’t push me out of bed, I was relieved. However, he did get back on my bed and take me in his arms again. Holding my head to his chest, he didn’t say a word. The silence brought on more tears. He held me closer and tried to soothe me with soft, reassuring words.
I woke up to Amy’s voice. “Wow. This isn’t funny. Maybe we should take her to a hospital or something.”
“No.” Chad sighed. “I know what to do.”
Seconds later, he lifted me up. I struggled, knowing what was coming next. “No.”
“Yes.” Chad threw me over his shoulder and slapped my ass hard. “Not letting you wallow in your own filth forever.” We soon entered the bathroom. “Turn on the shower.”
I thrashed again. “Don’t, Chad.”
“Too late.” He smacked my thigh. “You should know better.”
Before I knew it, he tossed me into the bathtub, clothes and all. I screamed when the cool water hit me, but he held me down in it. Then he forced my head under the spray.
“You want me to strip you and wash you, too?” He glared at me. His anger was laced with pain. “I don’t mind seeing you naked to get this done.”
I was shaking with anger, cold, sadness and frustration. “I hate you.” I didn’t mean it, and he knew it.
Amy pushed him aside. “Stop it. You’re making it worse.” She shooed him with her hands. “Go get some dry clothes on. I’ll help her.”
When the bathroom door slammed, I stared at her. My emotions were all over the place. “This is so hard.”
“I bet.” She offered her hand, and I took it. “It was an amazing thing to do, though. Took a lot of strength.” She helped me get closer to her, and then she started pulling my shorts down.
I slapped her hand away. “Don’t.”
“You need help,” she insisted. “Let me take care of you. Chad would want me to.”
Against my better judgment, I let her help me out of my wet clothes. Once naked, I covered myself with my hands, almost cowering. It was the fact that she had expressed a physical attraction to me that made me nervous.
“I won’t touch you like that,” she assured me. Then she grabbed the shampoo and moved towards me.
Not wanting her to get her clothes soaked as well, I scooted forward, still on the tub floor. It wasn’t like I wanted to wash my hair. She was determined, though. Reluctantly, I let her wash my hair and put conditioner in. Then my body sagged against the cold porcelain.
“I’m not done.” Amy put her hands on her hips. “Come back here.”
The bathroom door opened. “She still fighting?” Chad asked.
Amy quickly yanked the shower curtain closed. “She’s naked. Get out. I got this. Go get her clothes or something.” When the door closed again, she peeked at me. “You still need my help, or can you wash yourself?”
I drew my knees up, lay my head on them and hugged my legs. “Why bother? I lost everything already. Nobody cares that I stink.” Tears ran down my cheeks again. I was surprised I had any left. “There’s no point anymore.”
She huffed and closed the curtain. I looked up when it opened again. She was in her underwear, climbing in with me. “Too fucking bad. You need to snap outta this, or we’re gonna commit you somewhere.”
My eyes opened wide. They wouldn’t, would they Then she wrestled me to the floor, a bath sponge in hand. Forcefully, she washed my body. A fleeting thought about how much Chad would enjoy it came to mind. It was gone fast. I gave up after a minute and let her do whatever she wanted. It was weird and made no sense to me, but I was too depressed to care any longer.
Sometime later, she had us both dressed. Our wet clothes hung on the curtain rod to dry. She led me into my bedroom. Chad was on the bed, waiting. He had changed his shorts but had put no shirt on. He reached out a hand.
I clasped my hand around his, and he pulled me onto his lap. Laying my head on his shoulder, I ran my fingertips up and down his other arm. He had gotten a cool tribal pattern tattoo from shoulder to elbow, and it had finally healed. The skin was smooth again.
Absently, I continued to stroke his skin. I did feel better, having cleaned up, but I didn’t want to admit it. With one arm around me, he slowly rubbed my back with his free hand. It was soothing. My eyes closed, and mind cleared as he continued. It felt like it was just me and him, as it had been so many times.
“I’m always here for you, baby,” he whispered then brushed his lips through my hair. “We’ll get through this.”
Amy knelt at Chad’s feet and touched my leg. “How about I make you something to eat?”
I shrugged, not bothering to look at her.
“OK. I’ll be back.” She patted my thigh.
Chad put both arms around me and squeezed slightly. “As long as it takes.” He kissed my forehead and lay down, taking me with him.
I snuggled close to him and fought giving into sleep again. His tender embrace helped me see I could survive losing my first love. After all, it had been my choice to let him go. I needed to suck it up and get over it. Right? Easier said than done.
“I made scrambled eggs and toast,” Amy said from somewhere in the room.
When I opened my eyes, the only thing I saw was Chad’s chest. I slid my hand down his back, and he shivered. That made me smile. I could still affect him. Almost smirking, I dragged my nails over his skin up and down.
His hips squirmed. “Stop. You’re getting me hard.” He groaned when I did it again. “Baby, please. Unless you plan on—” He gasped. “Touch my dick. Please,” he pleaded.
I yanked my hand back when he tried to push it down his shorts. “Don�
��t.”
“Uh…” Chad looked down at me and let my hand go. “Sorry. Stop teasing, then.”
“Sorry.” I felt guilty. “I like when you want me.”
He sighed and brushed his lips over my ear. “I like when you want me too, but I can’t take it for long without relief.” He chuckled softly and pressed his half-hard cock into my thigh. “If you keep it up, I’m gonna haveta—”
I felt him blush as his body tensed. He never admitted he masturbated to me, sometimes. It was obvious, though. “I get it.” I looked up and kissed his lips. “I’ll stop.”
Amy said, “So, uh, about breakfast here?”
Chad whirled around. “Oh shit. I’m so sorry, Amy. We kinda got carried away.”
She laughed. “Don’t be sorry. I just felt like I was interrupting.”
I used Chad’s body to lean on as I sat up. “No. You’re not. Thanks for making me something.”
Amy had made enough for us all. We sat on the bed together. I took my plate and ate some. Chad glared at me when I tried to put it down.
“I’ll have more later.” I put my plate on the nightstand and leaned my head on his arm. “Now what?”
He put an arm around me. “Now you start your life over again.” He paused. “After you tell him the truth.” I tried to pull away, but he held me to him. “It’s not fair. He’s going nuts at this point. He knows I’m hiding something. Just tell him, so you can both move on.”
A single tear fell down my cheek. I didn’t want to face it yet. The pain was still too raw.
“I know you planned it this way.” Chad caressed my face, wiping away the tear. “Talk to him, and get some closure. Or you’ll be crying forever.”
After sitting there for a while longer, Chad led me to his parent’s house. No one was home. Amy carried both our purses and a plastic bag, but I didn’t ask what was in it. We walked through the house to the deck. I sat on a chair under the awning and stared at the pool.
The last time Paulie had come with me to a party at that house flashed before me. Us playing around in the pool. Him kissing me when no one was looking. Then other memories surfaced. We rarely fought. Things had been so perfect. Why did it have to end this way? So he could live his dream. I had to keep reminding myself of that. Or else I would give in and run to him.
Tragic Soul Page 15