He wiped them away with his thumbs. “Please don’t. You know I hate to see you cry. I miss you.” His lips brushed mine lightly. “I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder or come back to get you.”
“I’m sorry I pushed you away and didn’t give you a chance to stay.” I hugged him, guilt and pain filling me. “I miss you, too.”
He held me close. I breathed in his scent, missing that as well. Memories floated through my head. Maybe we could make it work long distance? Pros and cons flashed before me. I didn’t see a way for it to be successful. That hurt even more.
“Cookie, who the hell is he?” Bradley shouted from down the hallway.
I quickly stepped back. “My friend.”
Bradley grabbed my arm and tugged me back. “I don’t know him.”
“Don’t yank ’er around.” Paulie got in Bradley’s face. “I don’t care who ya are. You got no right to treat her like that.” He pried Bradley’s hand open. “I catch you doing that again, and you’re gonna hit the floor.”
I stepped between them. “Paulie, please. He doesn’t mean anything by it.”
“Don’t care,” Paulie growled. “I never treated you like that. No one should.”
Chad walked towards us. “Don’t you two start fighting now.” He glared at Bradley and told him, “You’ll never be what he was to her.”
I closed my eyes. That would cause nothing but questions. “Stop. All of you.”
“Tell me who he is first,” Bradley insisted. “Sounds like he’s more than a friend.”
I turned to Bradley. “He’s my, my—ex.” I swallowed. That word was more painful that I expected. “He’s the lead guitarist for Reckless. If not for him, we wouldn’t be here.”
“OK. Well, thanks.” Bradley took my hand in his. “Thought we were going to that room.”
I pulled away from him. “No. I wanna watch them play.”
Paulie checked his phone. “I should go. We go on soon.” He glared at Bradley and kissed my cheek. “We’ll talk more later,” he whispered.
When he was gone, I stared at the ground. I was more confused than ever. It was as if I were suffocating. Bradley had kept me from being alone, but he could never make me feel a fraction of what Paulie did. Was it worth settling for convenient? Is that all he is?
A drum roll echoed. “Come on,” Chad insisted and pulled me by the hand to the stage. We stood in the wings, watching the final sound checks.
Bradley soon came up from behind and slipped his arms around me. “I’m sorry I blew up. Again.” His increasingly frequent outbursts were getting annoying.
“It’s OK.” It wasn’t, but I didn’t want to discuss it.
Reckless’ first song was “Her Desire,” which had been released a month prior. Next up was their second single, “Drowning.” My eyes stayed on Paulie as he and Sean sang the powerful rock ballad. Their voices did blend beautifully. When I listened to the words, they broke my heart. The song was obviously about losing me.
“Help me, I’m drowning. Can’t dig out of this hole. Don’t know how to go on. You’ve broken my very soul.”
Tears streamed down my face. I went through a similar struggle, but Paulie’s was public. He bared it all in his music. I watched him. His eyes showed the emotion. Then he looked at me, and I felt it. He was still hurting. In a way, so was I.
Chapter 35
While Reckless said their goodbyes to the audience, Bradley walked backward from the stage, pulling me with him. “Let’s go find that room now.”
I struggled to get out of his arms. “No. I wanna talk to Paulie, Andy and Daniel. We haven’t seen them in months.”
He groaned loudly but let me go. “Fine.”
The entire band soon walked our way. I rushed towards them and hugged everyone. When I realized I had hugged Sean, I stepped back. “Oh, sorry.”
“Anytime, babe.” Sean winked. “How about you and I—”
Paulie and Bradley interrupted at the same time, “Hands off.”
I looked from one of them to the other. “Uh, yeah. I’m kinda taken.”
“Kinda?” Bradley furrowed his brows.
I rolled my eyes. “Nice to meet you, Sean. I’m Crystal, the previous bassist.”
“Ohhh, Crystal.” Sean glanced at Paulie for a few seconds. “I get it now. Sorry about the crude behavior.”
I laughed. “Didn’t take long for you to act like a typical rock star.”
“I been in the business a while,” Sean told me. Then he waved. “Got chicks to do. See ya later.”
Daniel shook his head. “And you thought I was bad? He’s like me and Phil times infinity. The guy must get laid more than anyone on the planet. I got no idea what they see in him. He’s a dick most of the time.”
I laughed. “Finally someone to look up to.”
“Yeah. I wanna be just like him when I grow up,” Andy said sarcastically.
Daniel chuckled. “He’s so conceited, even his reflection rolls its eyes when he looks in a mirror.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the lame joke. Sean sounded like wasn’t worth getting to know. “So, how about we catch up?”
“Great idea,” Chad said.
We gathered in Reckless’ dressing room, which was larger than ours. That gig was the first time I was in a real dressing room. I expected more, but the living room/dining room set up was more than we needed. Reckless also had a private bathroom and a small bar.
I looked around, still dazed that Chad and I could have been a part of it, and we turned it down. We had good reason, but it seemed like the record company treated them well. However, I did know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
“So, how’s the tour going?” I asked as I sat on a plush couch between Paulie and Bradley.
Andy grinned. “Lots of girls. Seeing the country’s cool. But, we’re not getting paid much yet. Playing small venues, not always crowds this big.” He sighed. “How you guys been?”
“OK.” I shrugged. “The new band is different, but we get along.”
Bradley put a possessive hand on my bare thigh. “We play clubs and stuff. I’m sure we’ll be in your place soon enough.” His envy was clear. “She’s happy with me.”
“Her happiness is all that matters.” Paulie’s tone was laced with anger. “How’s school going?”
I was glad the subject changed. “It’s good. Getting more difficult, but that’s to be expected. Next semester starts in 10 days.” I looked at my hands. “Not as glamorous a life as you guys are leading, I bet.”
Paulie picked up my hand. “It’s not what you think.” He brought my fingers close to his face and paused. “It’s boring and lonely more than anything else. I like performing almost every night, but it’s repetitive.” His body sagged against mine a bit.
I felt his need to be connected again. The same need grew within me. I glanced back and forth between Paulie and Bradley. Only one of them gave me more than physical pleasure and showed me love and respect. I loved only Paulie, but I couldn’t have him. My heart was torn. The feeling almost killed me.
“I’ll be back.” I stood and pulled away from them both.
Chad grabbed my arm just before I left the room. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
“I—I—” My lip trembled as I looked up at him. “I was right. I can’t do this.”
He let me go when I struggled. Then I went into the hallway. First, I leaned on a wall and held my legs as I bent at the waist. I shuddered, trying to get hold of myself. All the pain had returned. I was consumed with grief. Why’d I agree to this?
Minutes later, hands held my arms, and then tugged me into a strong embrace. “I’m so sorry you’re still hurting.” Paulie brushed his lips over my ear, rubbing his cheek into my hair. “My heart’s still broken, too.”
I listened to his heart pounding in his chest, wishing there was a way to get back together. My hands splayed over his back. Memories returned. So much had happened while we were together. He helped me through some tough times, and
I helped him move on from Ellie.
How could it end with us apart? Was life that cruel? My very soul ached for him. It was a tragic end to a great romance. No one would ever make me feel like he did, I was sure of it. His arms felt so good. Do I have to let go? Can’t we just stay like this forever?
“Let’s go somewhere more private,” he suggested. “So we can talk.”
I was suddenly aware of people in the hallway. The pain had made me oblivious to the world around me. I couldn’t move, though. Tears fell as I imagined life without love forever. Maybe I could learn to love Chad? That might be my only chance.
Suddenly, I was lifted. My eyes opened wide. Then I smiled when I found myself in Paulie’s arms still. He carried me down the hall to the empty room Bradley and I had found earlier. When he set me down on a couch, I looked away. I was embarrassed by my emotions. He didn’t need me being a mess. It probably was making our break even harder.
“Can we just talk?” he softly asked as he sat next to me. “You don’t look happy at all.” He gripped my chin and turned my face to him. “More tears. I knew you weren’t happy. Tell me what’s wrong.”
My eyes had closed. What do I say? I love you, and I’ll never love anyone else? That’d go over well... Not. I decided to pretend I was fine. “It’s nothing. Have you met anyone special?”
“No. Not really looking.” He sighed. “So—you and that crazy guy?”
“It’s nothing serious. Someone to keep me company.” I couldn’t meet his eyes. “So no one since you left New Jersey?”
“I’ve, uh…” His voice cracked. “There’s been… a girl or two, but no one in a while. They didn’t mean anything, and I used a condom.”
My heart sank. Then I realized that I had sex with two guys since him and almost Chad as well. None of it meant anything either. My gaze met his, and I was surprised by what I found. Love showed in his eyes. He moved towards me.
His kiss was welcome. His hands held my face as our lips met again and again. I was instantly lost in it. My hands wove into his hair as he leaned me back until I lay down. His tongue caressed mine slowly at first. Then he groaned and dominated my mouth. Automatically, I shifted my legs around him.
“Ah, God,” he moaned as he pressed his growing bulge against me. “I missed you.” His hands moved down my sides. “I need you.”
I couldn’t say a word. Gripping his hair, I couldn’t get enough of him, either. His hand moved between my legs, and I moaned when his fingertips grazed my folds. My hips lifted, wanting him, needing him.
He pulled my panties aside, and I heard them tear. “Sorry.” He yanked on them, and I felt them give way. “Better.” His fingers dipped into my opening. “I missed how you feel.”
I grabbed his shirt and whimpered as he worked his fingers deeper. Then I realized I wasn’t helping. I quickly reached down and opened his belt then his pants. When his thick erection was free, I held it, slowly stroking him and squeezing the head.
“Yes,” he said through gritted teeth. “Can’t wait.” He grabbed my hands and held them to either side of my head. “I miss making love.” His hips shifted with the head of his cock at my entrance.
My back arched when he thrust into me. “Paulie!”
“Fuck, Crystal. I still love you.” He let my hands go and held me close. “I love you so much.” He gasped as he withdrew and pushed in again. “Can’t leave you again.”
Tears built again, but I fought them. I gripped him tight, terrified to let go. Emotions flowed through me that I hadn’t felt since he left. His mouth was at my ear, driving me insane. His mumbled words were lost on me. My senses were on overload. My body tensed as pleasure built fast. He reacted by thrusting harder.
“Paulie! God, Paulie!”
The orgasm overwhelmed me. I saw stars. I gripped him strongly within, drawing a moan from him. Bradley couldn’t do that to me. My mind reeled with regret. When I could see again, I smiled and touched his face.
“I’m sorry.” Paulie suddenly pulled out.
I stared at him, the heartache returning. “What?”
He met my eyes and palmed my cheek. “It’s not what you think. I forgot a condom.” He sat back on his heels and took one from his pocket. Once he had it on, he came back down to me. “The last thing you need is… my baby.” It obviously killed him to say it, but he was right. Life was cruel enough. “I love you,” he whispered in my ear as he penetrated me again.
“I’ll always love you,” I softly replied, clinging to him once again.
Our hips moved in tandem, slow and steady. We gasped and moaned as if of one mind. It was so much better than I remembered. I pulled him down by his hair, and the kissing began again. Time was irrelevant. We continued making love as if nothing else mattered. In my mind, it didn’t. It was just him and me, our bodies connected.
“I missed this,” he muttered as he ground into me deeply, hips going around. “I want it back.”
My tears let loose as I realized what he meant. If only I could give it to him. “I wish.”
He groaned loudly. “Me too.” Then he shifted a bit.
I gripped him harder. The feeling had changed. He was grazing my sweet spot finally. It was as if he had been holding back. His hips moved faster, as did mine. I needed more. Hooking my feet behind his back, I picked up the pace, leading him.
“That’s it. That’s it,” he growled.
Gasping as ecstasy came to a head again, I screamed and held him down to me. As my pussy rhythmically pulsed, he moaned. Then he sighed and hugged me. I felt his cock swelling.
“Yes. Missed that.” He dropped down on me and sighed again. “Come on tour with me.”
I shook my head. “You know I can’t.”
“Yeah, I was just hoping.” He sounded quite disappointed.
It took us a few minutes to move. He pulled out and offered me a hand so I could sit up. I took it. We didn’t look at each other right away. Regret over what we did never came. Thoughts of Bradley didn’t either. It was something Paulie and I needed. Saying goodbye over the phone had been cold and painful.
An arm around my shoulders made me jump. “It’s me. You OK?” He pulled me towards him. “Was that a mistake?”
“No.” I turned to him. “It was perfect.”
He exhaled loudly and wrapped his arms around me. “The perfect goodbye?”
“Yeah,” I replied, barely holding back my emotions. “If we could find a way—” I sniffled and buried my head in his chest. “But we can’t.”
“I know.” He held me for a while. “Sorry about your panties. Kinda tore the crotch out.”
Smiling, I peeked under my skirt. “That’s gonna be hard to explain.”
“Can I have ’em?” He lifted my chin. “To remember tonight?”
I nodded. “Will I see you again?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Hope so. We’re gonna be touring the country for at least a year, it looks like. Not coming back around here, as far as I know.” He palmed my face. “It was hard without you in the beginning. I didn’t think I’d survive it. But I knew you wanted me to. I couldn’t let your sacrifice be for nothing.”
“It was torture,” I admitted. “I cried for like a month.” I stood up, and he helped me shimmy my panties down. Then he stuffed them into a pocket. I stared at his open jeans, unsure how to feel. “That was amazing.”
With a wide grin, he put a hand on my waist and pulled me closer. “It was.” Then a hand wrapped around the back of my neck, as he pulled me down. He angled my head. His lips pressed to mine.
I gave in instantly. Unconsciously, I straddled his lap and took his face in my hands. It felt like he had never left. Like nothing ever changed. When he pushed me back and stared into my eyes, that illusion was lost. I saw sadness.
“We should stop before we both get hurt again.” He leaned his forehead on mine. “I’ll never forget you, and I’ll always love you.” He kissed me hard then met my teary gaze again. “Please try to move on. I know that Spikes
guy is just a phase or something. You obviously have no feelings for him. Open your heart to someone who—” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “Someone who will take care of you.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t find the words to tell him I hoped he found love again, too. His sudden hug made me falter. I didn’t want to cry again, though. How can I get through this? I grabbed his shirt, trying to will him not to leave me again.
His phone ringing made us break the embrace. I stood so that he could dig his phone out. “Hey, Sean.” He rolled his eyes. “Now? I’m kinda in the middle—” Sean’s voice was muffled. “Fine. I know we have to be in Philly. Gimme five.” Paulie ended the call and stood up. “I gotta go.” He quickly tossed the condom and closed his pants. “I want you to know, I hoped you’d change your mind and come with me.”
“I couldn’t.” I took his hand in mine. But how I wish I could.
He kissed my fingers. “I know. But I had hope… until today. At least I got the chance to ask you.” He leaned down and kissed my lips one last time. “I love you,” he whispered. “Gotta go.”
I stood there long after he had left the room. When the door opened, I expected it to be Paulie. It was Bradley. He walked right to me.
“Shoulda told me you were waiting for me here.” He grinned and grabbed me by the waist. “Let’s get it on, baby.”
I stepped back. “No. I wanna go home.”
“Hey, you promised later.”
Shaking my head, I replied, “I didn’t promise.” He yanked me towards him. “No. Stop it.”
“What the fuck?” He stared at me confused. “What’s wrong?”
I closed my eyes and headed for the door. “I just wanna go home.”
Chad was in the hallway when I emerged. “I been looking everywhere for you. Where you been?”
“Talking with Paulie.” I couldn’t hide the tears.
He took me in his arms. “God, baby. I’m so sorry. I’ll get you home.” A door slammed, and Chad removed an arm from my back. “I’m taking her home, and you got no say in it.”
I was grateful for Chad’s controlling nature at that moment. I said, “Thanks.”
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