dots

  She looks into his eyes, and her smile is breathtaking. I will remember this—Chloe’s moment with her brother—for the rest of my life. Trying to swallow, clear my throat, it’s no use. He puts his head on her shoulder and just let’s go. Great wracking sobs. He pulls his knees up as she holds him, whispering, calling him a pussy, but holding him so tight to her.

  I leave, hanging my head so they can’t see my tears. I’m broken. Goodbye?

  Lola pushes my hair back and looks me in the eye. “I don’t know how she possibly chose you as her end friend. You’re worse than a chick.” Her smile is soft as she wipes my tears away with her palms, covered by the sleeves of my sweatshirt.I nod. “I’m a pussy.”

  Lola pats my arm. “You’re a hell of a lot more than that, Mason.”

  It sounds like the world’s most poorly timed pickup line. “Chloe needs some things. Do you want to go shopping this morning?”

  Lola’s looking through the open door and Chloe’s smiling back. “I’ll let you know.”

  ……

  Lola

  I watch him do push-ups in the hallway like it’s the most natural thing. He stands, gets some hand sanitizer from the dispenser while looking at Chloe. Then he pats his cheeks with it.

  She giggles. It’s weak, tired, but it’s a giggle. I creep closer to the open door and watch Mason with her. I can’t see her. His back blocks the view. He talks, jokes, doesn’t comment about the hospital, what brought her to this spot, nothing. Just jokes. When he bends to rummage through the empty drawers, pretending to look for something to eat, she laughs out loud.

  He’s so good with her. So good for her. I look at her. Most of her hair’s gone. So is the rest of her. There’s nothing left. She’s crepe paper waiting on a rainstorm. But her eyes…

  I move away from the door, grab my belly, and bite my knuckles. I want to scream, take over, push them all away from her. Every breath she takes, tainted, carrying germs.

  I lean against the wall, trying to get myself together to see her. And just breath. I cover my eyes, till I can get this anxiety under control, and listen to the hacking coughs up and down the hallway. Her eyes. Bottomless pools of agony. Not a rainbow in sight.

  I shake out my hands. Her phone alerts. I look down. Meet me at Central. Your nephew’s coming! It reads, with too many baby emoji items tacked on. Is Lola with you?

  Shit, she’s probably called my phone a million times. I’m the responsible one, never out of contact. I should send a long account of what’s happened, I think, and I should try to find the maternity ward and help my twin through her birth. I could stand alone out here, in this hallway. Or I could go in.

  I send her a heart, happy face. No sad faces. She’ll know soon enough. And then I turn the phone off. She’s got Steve, and Chloe’s got us.

  I lean in the doorway so he sees me. He nods once and turns back to Chloe.

  I’m so shocked by what he says, half of the ranting and raving I do, when I make my entrance, is real. The star-spangled bikini. That’s the look he’s been talking about? That’s my sexy rap video face. I laugh out loud.

  ……

  No shopping. Sorry, Mase. I’m staying. I send him a text.

  I’ve been awake all night. Once Ronny came in, we left. Mason, to do a few things for Chloe. That’s all he said.

  I went up to see Roxy, but only after she’d had the baby. She needed to know what was happening, but not during labor.

  She cried into a pillow as I held my baby nephew. Ten fingers, ten toes.

  “What’s your name?” I ask him.

  Steve rubs Roxy’s back and says, “Jett.”

  I think of the lyrics and ask, “As in Benny and the Jets?”

  He nods.

  “Isn’t that a song about a rock star that dresses up as a girl?”

  Steve looks triumphant. “That’s what I said, Lola.”

  Roxy turns in a huff. “Well, you’re named after the same kind of beautiful song, and you turned out all right. Jett will be artistic. Besides, it’s Chloe’s favorite song.”

  “Is it? I didn’t know that.”

  And just like that, we sit and discuss it. Her tears drying as she defends her son’s name.

  I smile down at the baby. “We’re gonna have a lot of fun, me and you. Going to clubs…”

  I love the horror stricken look on my sister’s face when she hears this. I blow her a kiss and hold the baby till everyone’s asleep. I place him in the little bassinette next to his beautiful parents.

  Then I creep down the back stairs to Chloe’s floor. The hospice floor.

  Her nurse nods as I pass. It’s my fourth back and forth trip tonight. She knows I’m here for good.

  Chloe’s not awake—not hovering, but I don’t think she’s sleeping. Her eyes are closed, but her face won’t relax. “Chloe?” I whisper and move closer. A hand behind the curtain stops me.

  Mason leans forward and shakes his head. He points outside, and I follow. “Lana needed a break. I couldn’t sleep.” He looks in the room. “I’m here,” he simply says.

  “Me too.” I nod, tuck the laptop under my arm, and slap him a high five as I pass.

  “How’s the baby?” he asks, and I turn back, giving him a huge smile.

  “Mason, thank you. He’s beautiful. Doesn’t know about any of this. Will never know his Aunt Chloe.” I sniffle. I’m running on autopilot at this point.

  He smiles, and his voice is so smooth as he whispers in my ear, “Oh, he’ll know about her. Especially if I have any say in the matter.” I lean against him, worn down, running on empty. I don’t know if I’ve got anything left.

  So I take the comfort that’s offered here in his arms. He’s not pushy, doesn’t take anything, just gives exactly what I need.

  “I brought your purse and phone. Brought you a bag. It’s in there if you want it.”

  I think of the mess, how it was left, and cover my mouth. Poor Mason. He sees the look and glances down the hallway. “It’s gone. All cleaned up. Like it never happened. I didn’t want you…or her mom…Ronny.” He coughs into his hand. In a watery voice, he adds, “I wish you wouldn’t have had to see that.”

  “I know.” I give his shoulder a squeeze. Thank you. I couldn’t get through this without you.

  He nods.

  I creep back up the stairs, to the delivery floor. I won’t be noticed here. Lots of expectant fathers walking around. I find a quiet place to work, and open her laptop, to the Mason folder.

  Mason

  When I leave Chloe, I go to the apartment. I hope Lola doesn’t think I ditched her, but…she can’t see it again.

  There’s blood everywhere. It stands out like wet paint. It looks like Chloe shook a gallon of Barnyard Red without the lid on it. I’m staring at a puddle congealing on the floor, and pull my phone out. If anyone knows how to get blood out of hardwood, it’s…

  “Gram.”

  Through my sobs, and incoherent ramblings, she realizes what’s going on.

  Her voice is soft, soothing, as she says, “Didn’t I tell you? Perfect for each other.”

  ……

  Before sunrise, I sent Chloe’s parent’s home. You can only fake it for long. Sometimes you’ve got to hang up the smile and let your feelings out. They needed time. I didn’t say, “Go home and sleep.” No, they needed to mourn. I just said, “I’m here. For as long as you need me.”

  Ronny comes in and wakes me. “My parents are parking the car.”

  Chloe’s asleep, but she’s got her hand on top of mine. “The big day,” he says and attempts a weak smile. He doesn’t look like he’s gotten any sleep at all.

  I stretch and nod. “I’ve got some shopping to do.”

  I turn to go, but he pulls me in and gives me a real hug. “Mason, thank you.”

  He tries to keep his composure and then shakes his head and wipes his eyes.

  I know the feeling. “Don’t you mean Prince Mason?”

  He laughs. “She can’t keep a secret to save
her life.”

  I slap him on the back on the way out. I’m here for you, brother.

  ……

  Chloe

  When Lola comes back in, with pictures of the baby, I have to keep asking his name. She says it like I should know the meaning. I smile and nod. She looks at me funny.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Nothing. He’s beautiful Chloe. You’re beautiful.” Lola says, and puts the pictures on the table. She points to a duffel bag. “What’s this?”

  “Mason brought it for you. Clothes.”

  I look to my mom. She nods and takes the note out of her purse and hands it to me.

  “Can you read it for me, Mom? I’m tired."

  Lola

  I don’t mention seeing Mason here last night, or what we’ve done together, but I do channel my inner goofball. “You’re not trying to get back at me for the Intervention mix-up, are you?”

  Chloe laughs and looks more present, more here. For a minute there, I don’t know, it felt like she didn’t know what I was talking about. “Benny and the Jets, your favorite,” I’d said, and she looked to her mom, who nodded before smiling back at me.

  Her mom is patient, kind, always smiling. No more tears. No sliding down walls in here. She’s keeping it together, for all of us.

  “Give me a minute,” I say, because I need one.

  I pull out clothes. With tags on them. Pink bra and panty set. He said he brought my purse. He went shopping for me, too?

  My shoes! My purse, phone, everything’s here. I’m listing things as I drop them on Chloe’s covered legs. Two Hershey bars fall out of the bag. And there’s…what’s this?” I pull the huge plastic container out and look at Chloe. “Why’d he send a jug of water?”

  And I know why as I watch Chloe giggle herself breathless. Lana pats her back and wipes her lips. She missed a speck of blood. I reach over and wipe it off. “You’re so messy, you know that? I can’t take you anywhere.”

  When she gets her breath, I ask her. “You made him go shopping for panties for me? Chloe, can you give the guy his balls back, please?”

  I change and get in bed with her. Careful not to hurt her, I curl around her.

  “Go ahead, I’m ready now.” I say to her mom, stroking Chloe’s hair. Carefully, just a touch. So she knows I’m here.

  ……

  Her mom reads her words, written down so carefully so she wouldn’t forget.

  About Mason, asking me to help him. Fix the testimonial, send it to the networks. Her project all along.

  When her mom finishes, I whisper in her ear. “You want to know a secret?”

  She nods, her eyes closed.

  “I snooped. I was jealous.”

  She opens her eyes and smiles as she says, “Lie.”

  “He’s great. I’ll keep him.”

  She frowns. “But you haven’t watched the videos.” I have.

  “Well then, let’s watch them together.”

  ……

  Chloe

  Lola opens my laptop and click’s the folder, titled Mason, and a rainbow prism bubble sprinkled with silver glitter, that I’ve never seen before, but have imagined, appears on the screen! I watch it, unable to breathe, but it’s not the cancer. It’s just like I imagined.

  I turn to mom, my head feels stuffed full of cotton. “Mom, is Mason here?”

  “I got it.” Lola looks out in the hallway and waves at someone. “I don’t think he ever left.” She’s wiping at tears, but I don’t miss the grin she gives him as he jogs in.

  His hair’s a mess. His shirt’s untucked. There are hot pink kiss marks on his cheek.

  “What happened to you?”

  “Just dropped off pizza and a case of whiskey. Compliments of Chloe.” He grins.

  As two nurses pass the room, holding up plates, they yell. “Thanks, Chloe!”

  I hear others yelling thanks.

  I look at him. “Did you do that? “I grin at him, through my tears.

  He nods. “Yep. Told them all, ‘Make sure to thank Chloe in 211.’”

  I shake my head. “I love it.”

  And lean back, so tired. I won’t even let myself hover, I don’t want to miss a minute.

  He takes a spot near my friend. Close, but not touching. Not yet, but it’ll come.

  “I made something just for you. Lola fixed it.” I squeeze her hand.

  She squeezes back. Excited, she says, “We made it, Mason and I. We fixed it.”

  “But it’s supposed to be my thank you for him.” Then, “Wait, you two?”

  A bouncing, rainbow prism soap bubble appears. My testimonial bubble! Death Cab for Cutie plays softly. “Look, Mom, it has sparkles on it!”

  Mason hugs Lola to him.

  Happy tears blur the video. But I don’t need to watch it. I lived it. Besides, I’d rather spend my time watching these two.

  He lifts her chin and she’s smiling, closing her eyes. He turns to me. “Thanks for the scrambled eggs, Chloe.” And then he kisses her like a woman should be kissed.

  ……

  Mason

  Chloe hovers, or naps, as we get ready. Ronny and I bring in extra chairs. The nurses have dropped off ice water and tissues. Paul’s been with Chloe since he got here. The rest of us find something to do, giving them time. He plays Hacky Sack with tears in his eyes, kicking the little ball as she watches with love in her eyes.

  I understand it. If she told me to juggle flaming bedpans, I’d find some lighter fluid.

  Chloe

  I sit up and can’t even hide the excruciating pain with the movement. My parents sit together on one side, Ronny and Paul on the other. I think back to my parent’s house, jumping off the counter, and thought I knew pain then.

  Now agony and I are having an affair, and it’s getting messy. One of us is going to have to make the decision, one of us has to be the grown-up and say, “Enough is enough.”

  I push the button and hear the wheels turning in the pump. Dilaudid, the new man in my life. He’s with me constantly, no matter what agony says. Anytime I need him, I just call him with this little button.

  I push it once more, just to make sure—the pain is so bad—and turn to my loved ones and let them in…a little closer.

  “Lola, can I have the box?” She’s standing by the tripod, manning the camera.

  She brings the shoebox. I reach in and take one.

  “Take one and pass it along. Oh, Lola, give Mason the extra-big one.” He smiles through tears from the plastic chair, the least comfortable chair in the room.

  Em sits alone, on the loveseat, softly crying in her jacket, and I don’t have it in me to comfort her. I turn to my brother, so handsome in his dress blues. He dressed formally for the occasion. “Thanks for dressing up.” He nods, trying to hold it together, for me. Like that’s necessary. I squeeze his strong hand, the best I can. “Take care of Em.”

  With energy for the both of us, he’s on it.

  When he showed up last night, I was afraid he’d gone AWOL, but his commanding officer gave him leave, to spend with his sick little sister once he explained what was happening. Thank you, Commander. You’ll never know how much your act of kindness means to me.

  When everyone has one, and Lola’s back behind the camera, I put mine on and stare at everyone with a well? face till they do the same. I’m wearing the beanie Mom brought me. With the rainbow on the front. I touch it. It’s so soft. “My favorite.” I feel a tear fall. I’m forgetting rule number 5.

  Mason clears his throat and looks at me, “You can’t cry with a clown nose on.”

  I tap my rubber nose, and say, “Touché.”

  My mom, who will always be my protector, squeezes my hand. She knows. So do Dad and Ronny. I discussed it with them first. I didn’t need to ask their permission, but I wanted it. I needed it.

  Mom says, for everyone but me, “Chloe has something to share with all of us.”

  “Mason, can you get the…”

  He brings my picture and pr
ops it against the bottom of my bed. Where I can see it. I reach for his hand. “You had it framed.”

  He nods, and I pass his hand to Lola.

  Looking around the room, I say to everyone I love, so much. “The Brass Ring. My last painting. I finished it three months ago. I can’t draw anymore.” I hold up my hands, crippled claws of pain.

  “Can’t hold a pencil with these. I thought that I would die without art…and I was right. I can’t live without it. Creativity is what brightens my world, brings light and color to everything… and I’ve been in darkness for the last few months.”

  I look around at all the beautiful faces, really seeing them. There’s a few tears here and there, but they’re all wearing the clown noses. I love that, so much.

  I take a breath, which is getting harder now. “Dancing, driving, walking, taking care of myself. Everything gone.”

  I sip the juice Paul gives me, wincing when it hits the sores in my mouth. Another lovely side of cancer. My resolve strengthens. I smile up at him. “Go away,” I whisper.

  “Never,” he whispers back and rubs his rubber nose against mine.

  “Maybe.” I shake my head. “Maybe I do it. Keep existing without my passion and loss of freedom, just waste away in this bed. If I could keep all of you. But I can’t.

  “I’m forgetting. Everything. Dr. Fitzmann said it’s a side effect of the cancer. It’s upgraded to the penthouse—my brain. There’s not enough room for it and all of you.”

  I see Em’s face crumble the moment she realizes. “No!”

  Em breaks away from Ronny and comes to me then. I can’t hide what it costs me to hug her. But I do it as best as I can. I don’t struggle for long.

  Lola pats her arm. “Em, let’s not be shellfish.” I smile up at her. An old joke. Maybe she’ll tell Mason one day.

  Ronny, my big brother, takes over. Just like he’s always done, right when I need him most. “All right, everybody, get in here. Huddle up.”