Straining her ears for Cory or any sound to tell her what was going on, Jordan could hear nothing above the beeps of the machines surrounding her. She must be alone, she discerned. She used this opportunity to practice what she was convinced would bring her around. She forced her brain to command each part of her body into motion, and then she struggled to follow through. She started with her toes, struggling until she tired, and then she moved to another area. She knew her brain had to be working or she wouldn’t be able to think rationally. At least she assumed she was thinking rationally. It had to be only a matter of time before she got her body to respond to the commands she was giving, and she refused to give up. She needed more time with Cory. She had to tell him the important news. She had found their son!
CHAPTER 19
In the midst of his emergency medical training, Jay realized he had to come to terms with the events that had pushed him over the edge causing his stint in rehab. He was afraid of a relapse which would cause him to lose Madison forever. He had to face his adoption and find out everything he could about the circumstances surrounding it. Only facing his fear would prevent another spiral into alcoholism.
He had all of the paperwork before him. The items his mother had forced him to take were a good start. Jay knew he could easily contact the orphanage, but he didn’t want to start his search with strangers. He decided he would much rather hear the truth from his mother, or the woman who had raised him, that is.
On a rare free morning, Jay picked up the phone with a steady hand but a pounding heart and dialed the number that was so familiar from his childhood. He let the phone ring five times. He was disappointed, but deep down he didn’t really expect anyone to answer. Nothing had changed; his mother was probably at work, and his father wouldn’t rise from the sacred chair. Jay was about to hang up when he heard the click of an engaged answering machine. Surprised that his parents grasped the technology, he listened to his mother’s voice state that she would get back to the caller. Then he waited for the beep.
“Hi, Mom. It’s me,” he paused, uncertain how to have such an important conversation with a machine. “Look…I…uh…need to talk to you. Meet me at Buck’s diner after work, okay? I’ll be there at 5:00, and I’ll wait until you get there. I don’t care how late you are. Just get there.”
With that, Jay gently replaced the phone to its holder and squeezed his eyes shut. Next, he called in sick to his evening telemarketing job and, with only a slight twinge of guilt, gathered his bag for an afternoon of medical training classes. For once the afternoon dragged, and Jay didn’t volunteer for any demonstrations or answer any questions. His teacher could tell he was in a funk, and he let Jay stew in the corner without interruption. Uncharacteristically, Jay was the first one out the door, and he drove to his hometown while trying to devise a plan.
As Buck’s diner loomed before him, he wondered if he had made a mistake in going there. Ordering a coffee, Jay trained his eyes on the only entrance and settled into the sticky booth to wait. Hours and a gallon of coffee were behind him when the bell of the door clanked, and Jay spied a somewhat familiar face. It was definitely not his mother, but it was possible that it was his father. Jay stood as the man caught his eye and moved to Jay’s booth. He couldn’t have weighed more than a hundred pounds, and his clothes hung on him as if he were a plastic hanger. His face was wrinkled and sagging, and when he removed his dirty cap, Jay noticed the little remaining white hair was dry and brittle. His eyes looked sunken and dead, but he didn’t stumble as Jay expected he would. Neither of them spoke as they met face to face and drifted back into the booth without breaking eye contact.
“Your mother couldn’t bring herself to come,” his father rasped, wringing his hat in his hands, “but I couldn’t let you just sit here and wonder.”
Jay wondered when his father had started caring about anything but drinking. He sat still, staring at him, waiting for him to continue or the world to end, whichever came first.
“I…uh…I haven’t had a drink all day,” his dad said, hands quivering.
Am I supposed to be proud? Jay wondered as he continued his menacing glare.
“When I heard your message I knew that there were some things you need to know. I didn’t know if your mother could handle it or not, so…” his voice trailed off as his body was wracked a deep, dry cough.
Jay wondered if his mother had even heard the message. He wondered what condition her life was in since he had last seen her, but, as much as he cared, he couldn’t worry about her right then. She had been a strong woman when she was in her prime, and he knew she could be again if that was what she wanted. She could take control of her life any time she pleased. She had received the message, he decided. She had just chosen not to face the mess she had created.
Patting his chest, his father said, “The day your mother told you the truth, she didn’t stop caring, Jay, but she did stop being your mom. I think she told you about your adoption to relieve herself of any responsibility, and I think that’s why she couldn’t bring herself to face you today.”
Jay nodded slightly. He was so grateful to have Madison in his life. Without her he wouldn’t have known what true, honest love was supposed to be.
With rising frustration, Jay’s father pounded his fist on the table. “You said you needed to talk so talk, dammit. I’m not going to last much longer here.” As he coughed violently again, Jay continued to watch him.
“This is a waste of my time,” his dad stated, rising slowly as if he wanted to storm out, but he simply could not move any faster.
“Yeah, it sure is,” Jay muttered. “You could be drinking. Why bother wasting any time on me?”
His dad sunk back into his seat, shoulders hunched. “I know I deserve that. You have to understand, though, that I can’t have a happy life after what I allowed to happen to your aunt, Jay. It’s just not right for me to go on like nothing happened when I’m the reason she’s gone.”
Jay didn’t have to understand anything. He knew his dad felt guilty about Aunt Jenny, but people felt guilt all of the time. Then they got over it and moved on.
“So what do you want, anyway?” his dad gruffly asked.
Jay sighed. He wasn’t going to get anything from his mother. He may as well do what he could with this sorry excuse for a man. “Tell me about my adoption.”
His father hung his head. Jay wasn’t sure if it was out of shame or simply because he couldn’t hold it up any longer. He leaned his elbow on the table and propped his head against his fist. His father took a deep breath and began speaking with such a raspy voice that Jay had to strain to hear him.
“For whatever reason, I couldn’t give your mother any babies. We married young, and all we really wanted was to start a family. After a few years of trying, we started looking into adoption. We’d heard good things about the place in Wisconsin, and a friend of your mom’s even had a great success story with a child from there, so one morning we drove up there to see for ourselves. Just our luck, you had been born days before. As we took a tour of the facility, we heard you yowling from outside the nursery. The minute we looked into the room, you quieted right down and just stared at us like you knew exactly why we were there.
After that first meeting, your mother was in love. I have to admit that I was pretty taken with you too. Of course, we couldn’t just bundle you up and take off. You had only been born a few days prior to our visit and the process take time. So, we dragged ourselves home and went through all of the right channels. We couldn’t have been more delighted the day we finally brought you home.
Sure, you asked a few questions every now and then…Bobby’s hair was just like his daddy’s…where did your hair come from? Silly little things like that, but we were always able to put you off. After the incident with your aunt, I guess your mom decided it was best to keep the secret from you for good, at least until your last visit. When you were little, I know the last thing I wanted to do was tell you. I wanted more than anything in the world
to be the best father anyone had ever seen. Guess that didn’t work out so well,” he muttered.
Jay was surprised at how lucid his father appeared even though the effects of the alcohol were obvious in his ragged appearance and barely audible voice. “My parents?” Jay asked briefly.
“Don’t know much about ‘em, really. The orphanage said your mother was real young and alone and cared quite a bit about you. But she just didn’t see herself fit to raise you. They didn’t mention your father. It was a semi-closed adoption, but I can’t say I remember what that means.”
Jay adjusted himself in the cold vinyl booth. So it was really true. He knew it was true. He had the papers, but hearing the details made it all the more vivid and real to him. Feeling the boldness building within him, he mustered the courage to ask one final question.
“So, when all of that happened with Aunt Jenny, and you fell off your rocker, did you just figure I didn’t matter since I wasn’t really your son anyway?” Jay stared coldly at his so-called father.
His father removed his elbow from the table as his head drifted to the side. “I’ve always cared, Son,” he rasped, “but I can’t say that I wanted you to stick around and watch what I’ve become. Maybe I even tried to drive you away. You deserve so much better. You always have.”
But I had the best, Jay thought silently. Meeting his father’s watery, red eyes, damaged by age and drink, Jay agreed, nodding harshly and rising from the table. As he walked past his father, he stopped and placed a hand on his shoulder, knowing it would most likely be the last time they would speak in this life. “Thanks for the birthday party, Dad,” Jay said, and he walked out the door which clanged the bell as it swung shut.
Jay spent the next few days mulling over the information his dad had given him. It wasn’t much, but it was good to finally hear the truth. He felt like he could almost move on, but there was one more thing he had to do before he could put it out of his mind for good.
He told Madison that evening about meeting with his dad. She wasn’t happy that he had gone without telling her, but she brightened when he invited her to visit the orphanage with him that weekend. Together, they would find out the rest of the details, and then they would move on with their own life.
The drive to Wisconsin flew by, and Jay’s nerves were put at ease as Madison told humorous stories and kindergarten jokes. Her chatter distracted him, and he had almost forgotten the purpose of their pleasant drive when they pulled up to the orphanage. The building was tall and commanding and looked utterly unfamiliar. Jay didn’t know what he expected. It’s not like he could remember being there at such a young age.
They had not made an appointment, but the mousy front office worker said they would be shown in to the administrator shortly. Jay glanced at pictures and plaques on the wall as Madison settled into a roughly covered fabric chair. Minutes later a harried woman exited the administrator’s office. She seemed to be rushing in four directions at the same time, one of which was toward Madison and Jay.
“You’re here to see me?” she asked, trying to catch her breath and tucking a strand of gray-brown hair back into her messy bun.
Jay nodded as Madison stood, and they followed her into the cluttered office. Boxes blocked the lone window, and filing cabinets covered the rest of the walls. Jay felt lucky to have found a chair amid the mess.
“Are you moving in or out?” Madison asked amiably.
“Oh, I’m sorry for the mess,” the administrator said, “I’m afraid my predecessor met with an untimely death, and I’m just arriving and trying to sort through what’s what.” She plopped behind the desk after easing through the maze of boxes and gave the young couple the once over.
Jay was speechless in the middle of the disorganized office so Madison took the initiative. “I’m Madison Bartlett, and this is my husband Jay,” she said, reaching a hand across the desk to the administrator.
“Oh, dear me,” she said, “Where are my manners? I’m Patty Huber. Please call me Patty.”
“Patty,” Jay said, testing her name on his lips and finding his voice unsteady. “I used to live here.” His admission was more to himself than to Patty or the room full of boxes, but she understood his intentions.
“Oh dear,” she stated with a sigh. “I’m afraid I may not be of much help in this state,” she admitted, waving her hands about the boxes and again replacing a strand of hair into her bun. “But I’ll do my dandiest. What do you need, Son?” Patty leaned earnestly onto her desk, placing her ample bosom atop its surface and folding her hands before her.
“I guess I just sort of want to know where I came from,” Jay said, shifting his eyes away from the filing cabinets. “You know…find my real parents and piece my history together.”
Patty nodded. “I understand, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint you, but as you can see, I’m in quite a mess. It will take a while for me to track through the files and figure out who you were and where you went. You understand?”
Jay tilted his head forward, but he didn’t understand. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take down all of your information, everything you know, and when I can dig myself out of this mess, I’ll begin my first project…that would be you, Dear,” she smiled. “I’ll find out who your parents are, and if it’s possible, I’ll let you know the outcome. How does that sound?”
“If it’s possible?” Madison chimed.
“Why yes, Dear. It depends on what kind of adoption agreement there was for Jay. If it was a totally closed adoption I’m afraid there’s not much I can tell him even if I do figure out who his parents are. They would have given up all of their rights the day they left this building, including any right to ever get any information about their son and vice versa.”
“You mean,” Jay began, “its possible there is no way for me to find my parents?”
“I’m afraid so,” Patty nodded solemnly, “but don’t you go jumping to any conclusions. It has been my experience that most folks want to leave the door open a little. Just let me see what I can do. I promise to get back to you either way.”
Patty slid a scrap of paper over to Jay and asked him to write down all of the information he knew about his adoption as well as his current address and phone number. Madison had made copies of the forms Jay’s mother had given him, so she handed those over as Jay touched the pen to the paper and began to write.
Patty studied the forms and her face lit. “This is helpful,” she mused. “You have nothing to worry about…your adoption was only semi-closed which means if both parties agree, your information can be released to each other.” She rustled through a drawer in the desk and shoved another paper at him, “Here sign this,” she instructed. “It’ll release your information to your parents.”
Jay looked up from his pad, “So has my mother agreed?” he asked.
“I wish I knew, Dear,” Patty answered. “As you can see,” she said glancing at the boxes around her, “I don’t know much of anything at the moment. I do, however, intend to find out.”
With that promise, Madison and Jay shook the administrator’s hand and made their way through the maze once again and out the front door. At least it was something, Jay thought. At least there was hope. If he was meant to find his parents, the pieces would fall into place. If not, at least he had tried.
Nearly a year later Patty Huber cleaned out her desk drawers. She had needed to do this chore since a week after she arrived, but her duties had taken her away from her office far too often for her to find time for such a menial task. It had taken her weeks to organize the boxes and files, and she’d had very little time for desk drawers once she got settled in. Expecting a quiet afternoon, she removed the first drawer from the desk and dumped its contents onto the floor beside her, hoping it would be easier to ruffle through the miscellaneous items that way.
She started making piles--keep, throw away, and recycle. Her hands moved quickly over the rubble. A scrap of paper caught her eye as she sailed it into the recycle pile. The name
“Jay Bartlett” danced before her as it settled on top of the designated stack. “Oh dear!” she exclaimed, grabbing for the scrap and reviewing its contents. As the administrator, she took pride in never letting any detail slip through her fingers. Well, this certainly was something she had let get by her. Without wasting another minute, she waded through the piles with the scrap in hand and began her search.
As the afternoon came to a close, her search was successful. She found the file on Jay’s mother. Patty almost danced a little jig right over her “keep” pile as she recognized the release form with the scrawling signature at the bottom. Jay’s mother had consented to the information exchange. Now all she had to do was organize the paperwork and get the information in the mail to both parties. In her excitement, she forgot that her careless disorganization had probably caused Jay to give up hope of finding his real family.
* * * *
The mailman sipped his steaming coffee as he took a wide turn one-handed. Careening through his route, he was positive he would finish early and make it home to surprise his wife with a home cooked meal. He neared the end of the houses on his route and approached the string of apartment complexes. The mail truck’s wheel dipped into a pot hole just as he brought his Styrofoam cup to his lips for another sip of coffee. The mailman cursed as the hot beverage burned his chin, and the cup emptied onto his leg. Searching for napkins, the mailman glanced back at the road just in time to see a small dog dart in front of his truck. He slammed on the brakes, sending envelopes and packages flying all over the truck. Dumb dog, he thought as he offered a fake smile and insincere wave to the woman chasing the pooch. So much for making it home early today. The mailman pulled to the curb in front of the first apartment building, resigned to the fact that it would take him quite some time to sort the mess of mail piled at his feet. He spent several minutes sorting and piling, moving his fingers swiftly in effort to get home at least on time. He only missed one envelope that had slipped between the seats during the commotion…the letter for Jay Bartlett with a return address of Wisconsin.
Someone Always Loved You Page 19