“I fluster you?” A small smirk lifted his mouth and I could feel his stare light up my body.
“Yes,” I breathed.
He picked an acorn from the ground and held it up in his palm. It began to rise and spin and drop back to his palm. He did this a few times before answering. “I’d like to take that as a compliment though I am wise enough to know it is not.” He frowned. “Would you like me to leave?”
My shoulders tensed and a familiar twinge of panic knotted at the base of my neck. “No.”
“We haven’t come to an agreement.”
“About?”
“About my proposal… about working together, helping each other to get rid of Sebastian.”
“You say it like it’s so easy to make this decision.”
“Easy it is not. But I know if we work together, we can do it.”
“What about Lucas?”
“He was brainwashed, in a manner of speaking. He was so hungry for attention – the attention his parent showered on Ethan to prevent him from choosing the Exiled, the attention you gave Ethan – you all failed to realize Lucas needed that too. And he was jealous.”
“Jealous of Ethan.”
“Jealous of what you and Ethan felt – feel – for each other.” His distaste was evident. “He was an easy target and Sebastian knew that and used it to his advantage. Lucas was not necessarily in control of himself. He lacked the ability.”
The pointed look he gave me told me I was just as susceptible.
“Like me.”
“Like you.”
“And you can help me keep that control. So Sebastian, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t be able to manipulate me?”
“Yes.”
“Even you?” I realized I was holding my breath in anticipation of his answer.
“Even me.” He whispered my words back to me and the acorn he was playing with dropped to the ground. “I would like nothing more than for you to join me, forever. I truly believe you were sent for me. Something about you alleviates the pain. But I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now and I never want to have to say it again. You have a choice. I will not make you come with me, even though I can.” He stood and paced in front of me, angry. “This is where you are weak. You doubt yourself and everyone around you. If I am going to help you, it must stop. You are no longer a little girl, Samantha, so stop acting like one. Stop acting like a whiny, confused child and own who you are.”
Insulted, I stood. “Oh?”
“Yes, oh.”
“As if you know me so well, right?” I dusted the forest floor from my butt and squared myself for an argument. Lust tugged my belly. I needed him to touch me.
He took a step toward me, leaned in and whispered in my ear. “I do know you. Better than you know yourself.”
“Yeah?” I stepped toward him. “If you know so damned much, just who am I?”
The way he looked at me reminded me of a wild predator. “Balance.”
I threw my hands over my ears. “Balance! How can I be the balance if I feel so, unbalanced?”
He pulled my hands from my ears and shook me. “Because that is what you are. Like it or not. That is what you were made for. That is your job, just as mine is to house despair. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you stop feeling sorry for yourself, the sooner you will stop needing me. And if I had my way, I’d make you need me forever.”
I wrenched myself free of his grasp as his words hit me like a brick. “Needing you? You came to me, remember? Or should I say you accosted me, didn’t give me a choice.”
“And you made no attempt to leave.” Clouds began to roll in, a low rumbling process I’d quickly become accustomed to. Heat filled his eyes just as it filled my soul.
“Like I said, you didn’t give me a choice.” He and I were nose to nose, staring each other down, unbearable need rose between us. Still, I wouldn’t flinch. Even when he kissed me and the sky opened up and rain poured down, washing away any trace of doubt as he pressed me back against the tree, hands fisted in my hair.
My fingers gripped the hem of his shirt, nearly tearing it off.
My heart pounded.
My head screamed.
My knees gave out as I pulled him down with me.
Chapter 12
We lay there, wrapped in each other’s arms in a tangled mess of mud and leaves and heat, long after the rain had stopped. I felt different, freer than I had in a long time. It was almost as if what we’d done had erased all the confusion and doubt that had been plaguing me. For the first time, light and dark didn’t war inside me. There was a coexistence that was calming.
“Are you okay?” His voice was low, sexier than I remember and it stirred inside me.
“Better than okay.” The huskiness in my words was new and I giggled.
He looked at me quizzically.
“I’m not laughing at you. I’m just laughing at, well, me.”
“Why? You are nothing to laugh at.”
“No, no. I mean. I feel so different. I always knew I would after, well, you know. But I feel giddy, confident, like I can do anything. The fact that my first time was with the devil… it’s kind of funny.”
“I’m glad I could amuse you.” Clearly annoyed, he sat up and reached for his shirt.
I reached for his shoulder to pull him back. “No, please don’t leave. Let’s lay here a bit longer.”
He looked as though he wanted to say something but instead leaned down and kissed me softly.
“We need to get back.”
“Why?” I didn’t want to leave.
“The others will start wondering where we are and I am sure you don’t want the search party stumbling upon you like this.”
“I don’t care.”
“I do. I don’t want them to see you. You have enough trouble without them knowing about this.”
“I have nothing to hide.”
“Ahh, Samantha. So naïve.”
“Why am I naïve?” It was my turn to sit up and stare at him.
“Us being together doesn’t send a great message. You and I are supposed to be working together, not sleeping together. I don’t want doubt plaguing anyone’s mind when we lay out our plans for Sebastian. I don’t want anyone thinking you’re being influenced in any way. We aren’t exactly on the same side of things.”
“I don’t care what they think.” I pulled my shirt over my head and wrapped my hair into a ponytail.
“You will. Come on, let’s go.”
“Why do I feel this way when I’m with you?”
“And how do you feel when you’re with me?”
“Like I’ve found another part of myself.”
“Maybe you have.” He winked and took my hand.
***
“Where have you two been?” Ethan eyed me skeptically as Damien and I walked through the door. He let go of my hand and stepped away, leaving an unwanted distance between us. A flush rose up within me and I felt a heavy wall build up around my thoughts.
“I, I needed some time to calm down.”
I was petrified Ethan would read my thoughts.
He won’t know, Samantha. Damien spoke to me wordlessly. I knew Ethan had once blocked Lucas from knowing such things and was grateful for his foresight.
I need to learn how to block.
I know. Soon.
“You can always come to me, Sam. That’s what I’m here for.” Ethan looked to Damien as he emphasized his words.
“I know. Next time.” I felt brittle.
“She was losing control, Ethan. I merely helped her. My apologies. I certainly didn’t mean to step on any toes.” Damien’s apology didn’t reach his eyes. He took a step toward Ethan.
“I am her guardian. I need to be a part of any training that’s meant to protect her.”
Unspoken words seemed to pass between them as they stared at each other. I wondered what I wasn’t privy to and the thought annoyed me.
Looking between them as silence filled the room,
I asked, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Ethan spoke but didn’t look at me. His eyes were still focused on the devil.
“Nothing of consequence. Come, let’s go see if we can talk with Lucas. If he is truly free of Sebastian’s influence, he can be of some help to us.”
Ethan grabbed my hand.
Wait. Talk to me.
“I’ll be right there.”
Damien looked from me to Ethan, a hint of red passing through his eyes, and walked away.
Ethan pulled me upstairs, into my room and shut the door. “What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Something is going on between the two of you. I can feel it. He’s coming between us.”
I stepped away from him hoping distance would make me a better liar. “You’re paranoid. He was just helping me realize that if I don’t gain control, I may as well hand the keys to everything right to Sebastian.”
“There’s something else.”
Panic tiptoed across my heart. “No. No, there’s nothing else, Ethan. He just wants to help.”
He dropped his voice to a harsh whisper. “Don’t you think it’s strange that he shows up now? That he’s all of a sudden so helpful? Everyone knows he’s just a snake underneath all that packaging.”
“All I know is that right now we can use all the help we can get. As I see it, his only ulterior motive is to get rid of Sebastian. I’m not ready to do it alone.”
“You aren’t alone!” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.
“I didn’t mean that. I just meant…”
“You meant that he can help you and I can’t.”
“Well, can you?” The ferocity of the question stopped him in his tracks.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I don’t know how to control you.”
“Control me?” The familiar pull of darkness swirled around me.
“Not like that.”
“Then like what, Ethan? Wanna keep me all to yourself? Want me to do your bidding?” I knew that wasn’t what he meant.
“No, Sam, you know that’s not what I meant.”
“All I know is that this.” I waved my hand between us. “Isn’t working. What we’re doing, what we feel, it isn’t working. It isn’t going to work. Ever. And you know it. I think it’s time to let go of all that.” What am I saying?
Ethan grabbed my face and spoke like he was grasping at anything that could save him. “Sam, no. We said we’d figure out a way. You just have to have patience.”
I jerked my head from his hands. “I don’t have time for patience. Sebastian is out there, ready to strike. He has the box and he wants the pendant. He brainwashed your brother, killed my father. I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus, with you hanging all over me.”
The elephant in the room was unleashed and settled its fat ass between us.
“No. Please no. I love you, Sam.” His voice was weak and at that moment, his weakness made me shiver in disgust.
“I know.”
I knew he expected me to say it back, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
“So that’s it? After all we’ve been through, Damien shows up, what? Yesterday? The day before? And you’re ready to forget about us?”
“There is no us. There can’t be. At least for now.” Tears threatened to slip down my face and I held my breath to keep them at bay.
“He’s a snake, Sam.” Ethan snapped, his eyes blanketed in steel. “He’s manipulative and he will do anything to get what he wants. Remember that. He’s trying to control you.”
“Huh, sounds familiar.” My pointed stare visibly shook him.
“I’m nothing like him.”
“Sure you’re not.” I opened the door to my room letting him know the conversation was over. It had to be or I would’ve taken back everything I said. And I couldn’t. Not yet.
Hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped, Ethan stepped towards the door. He hesitated at the opening, briefly looking in my direction and whispering. “I’d never hurt you.” Then he walked out.
Closing the door behind him, I placed my head on the wood. “I know you wouldn’t,” I said quietly to myself. What did I just do? I turned away my oldest friend, my first love, that’s what I just did.
I turned to my dresser and pulled out some clothes; I needed to shower all this negativity away. There, on the top, was a shiny red apple. I didn’t remember it being there before. I picked up my clothes and the fruit and walked out to the bathroom, taking a huge bite as I did.
Malena met me in the hall. “Samantha, we need to talk.”
“About?”
“My choice.”
What? “I thought you didn’t have a choice.”
“I didn’t. Here, come with me.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom, turning on the water.
“Uh, I’m not taking a shower with you, Malena.”
“Oh shut up. I just don’t want them to hear.”
“Who?” I craned my neck looking around the tiny room.
“Anyone walking out in the hallway. Look, I don’t have much time, I have to go downstairs and train with Lucas and Branna.”
“You’re being weird.”
“Weird? What?” She sighed. “Look, don’t trust him.”
I sat on the counter eating my apple as she leaned against the wall. “Who?” She slapped it from my hand and I watched as it rolled under the claw foot tub.
“Damien.” Sound barely escaped from her lips as she said his name.
“Why not? You do.”
“I was just like you once: impressionable, out of control, unable to decide between the Faithful and the Exiled. Damien showed up, got in my head.”
“Got in your head? He said he’s here to help.”
“He is. But he won’t do it for nothing. He won’t do it if there is nothing to gain for himself. I told him I would do anything to alleviate the confusion in my head. He said he would help. And he did.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“He pushed the light inside me away. He nurtured the darkness and helped it blossom. He took the choice away from me. I didn’t have to make it. In that way, he thinks he helped.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Didn’t he? You seem thrilled to be all badass and whatnot. You thrive on being a bitch.”
She threw her hands in the air. “You aren’t understanding me. He took the choice from me.”
“Malena, I get what you’re saying, but I don’t see why it’s such an issue. You’re happy with the choice.”
“Damn it! He’s going to do the same to you.”
“He’s going to force me to be an Exiled? No. He knows how much I want the light.”
“Maybe not an Exiled, but he will take something from you. He will decide something for you.”
I hopped off the counter. “I just think you’re jealous of the attention he’s giving me now.”
My words had her breathing in sharply. “You are so naïve. Fine. Have it your way. I warned you. He will take a choice from you. Think about everything you’re conflicted about. He’ll stop at least one of those conflicts and you’ll end up like me, questioning your free will.”
“I’ll never end up like you. I actually care more about others than myself.”
I opened the door as an invitation for her to leave. When she looked at me, I could see the hurt in her eyes. I tamped down any emotion I felt toward her. I couldn’t afford any more confusion.
Chapter 13
Freshly showered and dressed, I walked downstairs to find Damien. All anxiety about my earlier conversation with Ethan had dissipated. And though Malena’s words left me unsettled, I pushed them to the back of my head.
“Ah, Samantha. Feel better?” Damien’s knowing glance unsettled me for a moment.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Did you talk to Lucas?”
“Yes. Branna and Malena are with him now. We’ve decided to get him up to speed with our plans. He’s out training with them now.”
“I’d know. It’s not easy to lie to me.”
“But how do you know Sebastian didn’t send him here to…”
Damien interrupted. “I know.” His tone was so final that I decided not to question him anymore.
He pushed a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. “Did you and Ethan have your conversation?”
“Yeah. I told him that we should let what’s between us go.”
“And you feel conflicted about that?”
“Yeah. But I know it was the right thing to do.”
“You are right. I’m sorry it was hard for you.”
I couldn’t breathe with him looking at me like that. I closed my eyes to remain in the present. “Um, yeah. Well, it’s done. He did say you were trying to manipulate me.”
“Manipulate you into doing what, exactly?” His face showed he was clearly thinking about our recent experience in the woods.
“Making me do what you want. Making me think the way you want me to think.”
He smiled, pretended to tuck another stray lock of hair behind my ear and whispered. “Am I making you do things you don’t want to do?”
Images of his face above mine, his hands on me, his lips trailing down my…“No.” My tone was firm even if my resolution was not.
“He’s grasping. It’s all a choice, Samantha. Up to you. That much I’ve told you.”
“I know. He’s just hurt. I don’t like hurting people.”
“Unfortunately, you are going to do just that.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“Stop pouting. You are no longer a little girl. I’ve told you that. You are an eighteen year-old woman, an adult. You need to start focusing on what needs to be done and not how actions and decisions will make others feel. Sometimes you have to let go of all that and not care.”
He spoke like it was no big deal. I understood that his life, his reason for existence didn’t afford him the ability or give him any reason to care about others, but he had to know I wasn’t built that way. And besides, didn’t he care about me?
“But this, what’s happening between us is too fast.”
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