LeftInTheDarkness

by Stephani Hecht

  “It will be if we don’t save him from himself.”

  She let out a bitter laugh. “I can’t believe you actually believe that. James is who he is, and we need to accept that, not force him to hide it away like it’s some dirty secret.”

  “If we don’t stop him, he’ll ruin any chance he has at the football scholarship.”

  “And if we keep punishing him for being himself, he won’t live long enough to even see college.”

  He snorted. “You don’t have to be so melodramatic.”

  Her eyes glinted with rage. “You didn’t see that poor boy. Taylor is one of the sweetest kids I know, and they nearly killed him, and for what? Being different?”

  “He shouldn’t have flaunted himself around like he did.”

  A shocked silence filled the air before she slowly shook her head. “Too bad they don’t offer conversion camps for the terminally stupid. I’d sign you up for one of those.”

  “How dare you talk to me that way!”

  She took a step forward and James saw her Mama Bear come out in full-force. “And how dare you treat James the way you have been? Well, no more! Things change now.”

  “Or else what?”

  She cocked a brow. “Or else I’ll kick your ass out. You forget, it was my trust that paid for this house, so it’s in my name. Plus, I make plenty of money. We don’t need you.”

  The tension grew so heavy that James could hardly breathe as he waited to see what his dad’s reaction would be. James trembled as he wondered if his dad would get physical. Sure, he’d never slapped any of them around much before, but he’d also never come after them with a baseball bat, either.

  Finally, it was his mother who made the first move. Coming over to the couch, she held a hand out to James. “Come on, baby. Let’s make you some hot chocolate.”

  Numbly, James took her hand and let her lead him into the kitchen. Once there, he stood like some sort of statue as he watched her bustle around, heating up the milk and adding the cocoa mix.

  “I’m sorry,” he rasped.

  She turned, her eyes bright with tears. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I should have done that a long time ago.”

  “I never wanted to make you and dad fight.”

  Tears built in his eyes, too. He tried to blink them away, but they managed to squeeze free and fall down his cheeks. “I messed everything up. I let Taylor and Christian down, and everybody hates me.”

  She came over and pulled him in a tight embrace. “I don’t think Devlin hates you. If he did, then he would have never gotten out of his car to try to protect you. Sure, he may be angry at you, but he’ll forgive you. Just like you always have him.”

  “I lost Christian,” James confessed.

  Before that moment, only Jessica and maybe Devlin knew how much that hurt James.

  “You liked him, huh?”

  “Yeah, and he used to like me. Even though I was a jerk and ignored him, he still wanted me. That was until I was a coward and left him and Taylor. Now Christian is with Devlin, and I don’t think I’ll ever get him back.”

  She pulled back and cupped his face. “I know it hurts now, but remember you all have a lot of healing to do. Even if after all that, you still don’t get Christian back, I have a feeling that there is going to be some lucky guy who’s going to be perfect for you.”

  Despite all the crappy emotions going through him, James managed a smile. “Not that I don’t love it, but what made you change your mind about me?”

  “Like I said, when I went to see Taylor today, I ran into Angie. We had a long discussion, and I realized how much I failed you. You may be beating yourself up over how you turned your back on your friends, but I did the same thing to you. By being too afraid to stand up to your father, I left you alone to fight your own battles. No mother should ever do that to their child.”

  Damned if that didn’t make the tears fall harder. Letting out a blubbery sob, James said, “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  She gave him another squeeze before pulling back and finishing up his drink. Setting the cup on the table, she took a seat. James sat down across from her, wrapping his fingers around the mug. He felt cold down to his bones and wanted to jump into a hot shower, but he felt a stronger desire to stay in the kitchen with her. For the first time in years, he finally felt as if he weren’t a stranger in his own home, and he wanted to cling to the moment.

  “Taylor really turned out to be a cutie. Even with all the bruises and cuts, I could still tell,” she commented.

  James shrugged. He’d been friends with Taylor for so long that he really hadn’t noticed. “Did you talk to him any?”

  She smiled. “Yes, and he told me that he misses you.”

  A flicker of hope went through James. “He’s not mad at me?”

  “No, he told me to let you know that he forgives you and wants you to come see him.”

  James shook his head. “How can he not hate me? I would if I were him.”

  She reached over and put a hand on his wrist. “He knows how hard it is, and he doesn’t fault you for being afraid. I do have some advice for you, though.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t let it happen again. You are so smart, giving, and a good person. I’m proud of you, and I want you to feel the same way about yourself.”

  He locked gazes with her. “Even if I don’t get that football scholarship?”

  She gave him a gentle smile. “I couldn’t be prouder of you had you won a million scholarships. When I heard what you did at the vigil, I was amazed. It took so much courage.”

  All of the sudden, James didn’t feel cold anymore as a warm sensation filled him at her words of praise.

  She continued, “Today, as I was listing all my mistakes, one of them hit me the hardest. I was so busy trying to please your father that I forgot that you and your sister should be the most important things to me. I failed both of you, and I promise I’ll never do it again. I just hope you can forgive me.”

  James gaped at her. “Of course I do. I love you.”

  “I love you, too, baby. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

  Those words finally lifted the weight off James’s chest as all the pent up worry, fear, and frustration left him. He let out a sob and then another. She got up and wrapped her arms around him, holding him as he sobbed.

  He cried for himself…for Taylor who had been kicked around so much…for Christian, who had been betrayed…for Devlin, who was so jaded….for Andy, who just wanted to be loved. Most of all, James cried because he could finally be who he really was, a gay teenager.

  The thought was both relieving and scary as hell. After hiding his secret for so long, he’d thrown it out there for all to see. While he didn’t regret his hasty decision, he also knew there would be no going back.

  He wouldn’t have anybody at his back, either. For while Devlin might have stood up for James, and Taylor said he forgave him, that still didn’t guarantee the rest of their group felt the same way. After the way he used to ignore them all the time, James wouldn’t blame him if they turned their backs on him.

  No, he wouldn’t blame them. Even if he did need them more than ever.

  Chapter Four

  Christian paid the cashier for his lunch, then headed for the table his friends always sat at. Tucked in the corner, it was the perfect spot since they could have privacy, yet still be able to see everybody else.

  When he spotted Devlin already sitting there, Christian’s heart did a little flip. Sure, it might have been sappy, but he found that most of his feelings toward the other guy leaned that way lately. At least Christian knew the feeling was mutual, especially when Devlin smiled as he stood up.

  As soon as Christian sat his tray down, Devlin put an arm around his waist and hauled Christian in for a quick kiss. A warm tingle went through Christian as he rested his hands on Devlin’s shoulders.

  Even over the stench of bad cafeteria food, Christian could still smell the
spicy scent of Devlin’s cologne. Christian wanted to bury his nose onto the crook of Devlin’s neck to really inhale it in, but he reluctantly pulled away. PDA was already frowned down on by the school, let alone PDA between two guys.

  “I missed you,” Devlin whispered.

  It hadn’t been the first time Devlin admitted something like that, but it still seemed weird to hear it coming from the normally gruff guy. It made Christian feel extra special. He got to see a side of Devlin that not many others did.

  “I missed you, too,” Christian replied.

  He did, too. It still was hard to believe that just a week ago, Christian couldn’t stand the guy, and now he found himself counting the minutes until they could be together again.

  On the other hand, Christian had thought of James hardly at all. The few times Christian had, the only emotion that came across was anger.

  Okay, maybe there was a little bit of hurt feelings, too. But not in the usual, rejected-crush kind of way. Instead, Christian felt as if he’d been punched in the gut by the realization that one of his supposedly good friends had let him down.

  Maybe it wasn’t fair. James had been dealing with so much, and it was only natural that he would be confused and scared. It still didn’t make Christian want to forgive, and he wondered if that made him a bad person.

  They both sat down. So far, Jessica was the only other person at the table. As usual, she was dressed to scare and impress, her raven bangs cut unevenly and her pale face plastered with makeup. She finished off her look with thigh-high platform boots, torn fishnet stockings, and a t-shirt that read, Your girlfriend says I’m a better kisser. Jealous?

  She opened her sack lunch, her red lips pursing in disgust. “Peanut butter and jelly…again. I swear my mother thinks I’m six instead of seventeen.”

  “It could be worse. Our cook keeps packing sushi for me,” Devlin grumbled.

  Jessica rolled her eyes. “Poor little rich boy. The world just doesn’t know how hard you have it.”

  Devlin shot her a wicked grin. “You should hear some of my horror tales.”

  “God, no! I know too much as it is.” Her eyes grew wide as she waved her hands.

  Christian laughed as he snuggled against Devlin. Even though they were being good and sitting in separate chairs, they were still as close as they could be without earning a detention. They were mostly ignored, save for a few dirty looks from the jocks, but that was nothing new.

  By habit, Christian scanned the jock table, looking for James. Of course, he wasn’t there. Since he’d made his announcement, his old buddies were treating him like he carried Ebola or something. Sure, they might not be dumb enough to say anything aloud, but their attitude spoke plenty. They didn’t want a gay player on their team.

  Christian wished he’d had the nerve to ask him what had changed. Before last week, they’d all liked James and bragged how he was the best player they’d had in years. Yet by him saying two words—I’m gay— that all changed

  Then he spotted James, and Christian’s heart sank. There was one table that they all called loser land. Maybe it wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but the name had been around forever, and it’d just stuck, even though the students might have changed over several times. While the faces might change, their social status always remained the same. They were the kids who nobody liked. Be it because they painted their faces to look like their favorite band, or that they started fires, or they just were plain mean. Whatever the reason, they were on short supply of friends and at the bottom of the pecking order.

  James had it so bad that even that table wouldn’t take him anymore. He sat off by himself, the empty chairs on either side of him reminding Christian of a fence. One that separated James from everybody else.

  Christian realized that he wasn’t the only one who noticed as Devlin and Jessica fell silent. They all stared at James. Christian didn’t know how the others were feeling, but he had a pang of sympathy for the guy.

  “Do you forgive him?” Devlin asked.

  “Up until ten seconds ago, I would have said no, but now looking at him…” Christian trailed off.

  “You still feel as if he’s our friend,” Jessica finished.

  “Yeah.”

  “Taylor’s forgiven him,” Jessica pointed out.

  “That’s no biggie. Taylor could forgive Saddam and Osama,” Devlin snorted.

  “Yet, you feel the same way? Don’t you?” Christian pressed.

  Devlin cocked a brow. “No, I’m still quit miffed at the pair of terrorists.”

  Christian elbowed him. “You know what I mean.”

  His boyfriend let out a long sigh. “Yeah, I can’t help but feel sorry for James. I know it may come as a shock to everybody, given my reputation of being an asshole, but he’s my cousin. It’s kind of hard for even me to let that go.”

  Jessica studied Christian. “How about you?”

  Christian looked back over at James, noting how sad and lost their friend appeared. It reminded Christian of the night not so long ago when James had broken down at the coffee shop and cried over how his dad was treating him. Christian had felt so protective over him, and that hadn’t changed.

  “Damn it! Fine, I guess I can forgive him. But only because Taylor did,” Christian huffed.

  Jessica snorted. “You’ve been hanging out with Devlin too much. You’re beginning to sound just as bitchy as him.”

  “Go get James before he starts dressing in black and goes on all emo on us,” Devlin said.

  Despite his teasing, Christian could feel the way Devlin tensed up. Knowing that he worried Christian might still have feelings for James, Christian leaned over and gave his boyfriend a soft kiss. “Don’t worry, nothing is going to change between us.”

  Surprisingly, Christian really meant that. Even when he dug down really deep, the only feelings he had toward James were friendly. Now that he had Devlin, Christian found his crush was gone, and he didn’t want anybody else. Sure, Devlin might have thorns, but that only made him more interesting.

  Jessica leaned over the table and said something to James. Whatever it was, Christian couldn’t hear, but given the panicked look James sent them, it wasn’t going well. After a couple of moments, Jessica stomped her foot in frustration, then she picked up James’s tray and made her way over to her seat. After gaping at her for a few seconds, James got up and gave chase.

  As he got closer, though, James began to falter, his gaze uncertain. Finally, Christian couldn’t take it anymore. He smiled and waved James over. Even so, James still approached slowly, as if he expected to be yelled at.

  “I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again,” James said in a small voice.

  Devlin pulled Christian in closer. The move was so possessive that it gave Christian a heady thrill. Wow, not only does this hot guy want me, but he’s not afraid to show it.

  “Yeah, well, we’re kind of used to having your ugly mug around,” Devlin quipped.

  When James still hesitated, Christian added, “You know how we hate change. Sit down already.”

  A look of pure relief passed James’s face, and Christian realized they’d made the right decision. He and Jessica were just sitting down when Andy came walking in.

  Maybe a better word would be he waltzed in. A smile played on his lips as he all but skipped up to the table. Going by the hickey on his neck and the way his clothes were all rumpled, he hadn’t slept in his own bed, either.

  Christian’s gut clenched in dread. In the short time he’d known Andy, he’d seen the guy swiftly slipping away. Born to rich parents who barely acknowledged him, Andy seemed to be starved for attention, and he didn’t care where it came from.

  To make things worse, Andy had this whole puppy dog yet hot thing going on for him. Since he was bi-racial, he had an almost exotic look to begin with, but once his English accent and refined manners were added in, Andy had more than his fair share of guys panting over him. Too bad most of them were at least ten years older.
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  As he reached the table, Andy first kissed the top of James’s head before he gave Jessica a peck, too. She gave him an angry swat, which he gracefully dodged.

  “Where were you this morning? You missed class,” Christian said.

  Andy reached over and snagged Jessica’s sandwich. “I was up late last night and slept in.”

  “I’m guessing you weren’t in your own bed,” Jessica accused.

  Giving a sly smile, Andy replied, “Now, what fun would that be?”

  “Slut,” Devlin muttered.

  Andy sat back in his chair and studied Devlin and Christian. “You guys are so cute together. What with Devlin and his dark hair and Christian’s blond boy good looks. You almost remind me of the devil and angel who sit on my shoulders. Only you two get along soooooooo much better.”

  Christian felt a flush come over his face as Devlin let out a low curse. “How much did you drink last night?”

  Andy kept on flashing that grin. “Enough.”

  “Are you crazy? You need to be more careful,” Christian admonished, hating that he sounded like his mother.

  He couldn’t help it, though. He really worried that one night Andy would get into some serious trouble.

  “I’m of age, so everything I did is perfectly legal in the state of Michigan.” Andy paused, cocked his head to the side, then added, “Well, everything but the drinking and the pot.”

  Christian ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “You did drugs, too?”

  “Just a tad,” Andy countered. “I don’t want to do it too much since it gives me the munchies, and I don’t want to get fat.”

  “I’m trying to be serious,” Christian glowered.

  “So am I.” Andy shuddered. “Ack, if I got heavy, I would probably look like my grandmother. Trust me when I say we don’t want another one of her running around.”

  “How bad can she be?” Jessica asked.

  Andy made a dour face. “She’s always trying to fix me up with the good, black Christian girls who go to her church.”

  “She does know you’re gay, right?” James asked.

  “She thinks it’s a phase and that I’ll outgrow it.” Andy rolled his eyes.