“That’s exactly what it looks like,” he said, moving the probe from side to side. “And it appears to be pretty large.”
“Is there only one of them?”
“From what I can see,” he said, pausing. Then he asked, “When was the last time you had a Pap done?”
If there had been some way I could ignore his question, I would have. Marie had already asked me about that but maybe Dr. Green hadn’t seen her notation. Either that or this was his subtle way of making me talk about it.
“It was maybe two or three years ago.”
“And you said you’ve been bleeding heavily for how long?”
“Six months, maybe longer,” I confessed.
“You can sit up,” he said, raising the table back to an upright position.
Then he continued, “What I’d like to do is run a few more tests, including some blood work. Then we’ll see exactly where we are and how we should proceed.”
“Can you treat it with medication?”
“I was hoping that I might be able to embolize it, which would stop the blood flow and cause the fibroid to die. But because it’s so large, a myomectomy may be our only option. Meaning, we may need to remove it surgically.”
“Is that an outpatient procedure?”
“If I do it by laparoscopy, which is less invasive, you’ll probably only spend one or two nights in the hospital. But full recovery will take about two to four weeks.”
“But you definitely don’t think I have cancer.”
“Well, if for some reason you have cancerous cells in your cervical area, the Pap result will show it. But in terms of the uterus, I won’t know if there’s any malignancy until we do the surgery.”
“And what would happen then?” I asked.
“You’ll have to decide beforehand how you would want me to proceed. Meaning whether you would want me to go ahead and remove your entire uterus.”
Dear God, not a hysterectomy? Not when I wanted to have children.
Dr. Green was scaring me and I guess he noticed it because he said, “But don’t be alarmed. I’m only telling you this as a cautionary measure, but in reality, only one in two hundred women with fibroids are found to have uterine cancer.”
That calmed my thinking to a low simmer, but I wouldn’t be satisfied until I was completely in the clear. I wouldn’t be happy until this tumor was out of me and my life was back to normal.
“Marie will get the rest of the testing scheduled and will be in touch with you,” Dr. Green said. “Then we’ll concentrate on the surgery.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
“We’ll get you taken care of,” he said, smiling.
I smiled back, but to be honest, I wasn’t so sure.
Still, I hoped for the best.
I did this because hope was all I really had.
During the drive over to Cameron’s office, my nerves had started to settle, but now they were in an uproar. I’d purposely shown up unannounced and he didn’t seem too happy about it. Imagine that. The love of my life acting as though I was an intrusion. And sadly enough, my feelings were very hurt by it.
“Cameron, I know you’re working, but there’s something I really need to talk to you about.”
He closed his office door so his secretary couldn’t hear us.
“What is it?” he spoke coldly.
“Well, first of all, I’m sorry for getting so upset with you last night.”
“You came all the way over here to tell me that?”
“Why are you being so cruel?”
“Because, Taylor, you ruined our evening for no reason. You know how I feel about getting married, so it was senseless for you to bring it up.”
“Senseless? Is that what marrying me would mean to you?”
“No,” he said. “You’re putting words into my mouth. What I meant was that you know how I feel, so it was unnecessary for us to have that discussion.”
“But it’s important to me, Cameron, and you know it.”
“Look, I can’t do this right now. I have a meeting that I’m trying to prepare for, so maybe we can talk about this later.”
“Why are you so irritated with me? And why have you been acting so different lately?”
“I’m not. I’m under a lot of stress here at the office, and if I’ve been taking it out on you, I’m sorry.”
All I could do was sit there. I’d wanted to tell him about my doctor’s appointment, but now I didn’t know if I should.
“Maybe I could call you before I leave work and we can get together,” he finally said, hinting that I should leave.
“That’s fine, but first I need to talk to you about something else. I went to the doctor this morning.”
“Why? You’re not pregnant, are you?”
“No. But what if I was? Because it’s not like we’ve been abstinent.”
“I know, but you’re on the pill, right?”
I sighed rather loudly. I was so frustrated.
“Well, what did you go to the doctor for?”
“I’ve been bleeding a lot more than usual and he thinks I have a fibroid tumor.”
His face softened almost immediately and he pulled me out of the chair I was sitting in and held me. I still wasn’t happy about the way he was treating me, but I was happy to have someone embrace me. I’d needed someone to hold me more than I realized.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know. Is it cancerous?”
“Fibroids are benign, but he won’t know if I have cancer until he does the actual surgery.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were having problems?” he said, leading me over to his office sofa, where we sat down.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Because just last night I brought up the fact that you bleed an awful lot and still you didn’t say anything.”
“I guess I was afraid of how you might react. Especially if you knew there was a chance I might need a hysterectomy.”
“Did the doctor tell you that?”
“Not exactly, but there’s a one-in-two-hundred chance.”
“Then there’s nothing to worry about.”
“But what if there is? I mean, what if I do need a hysterectomy and we can’t ever have children?”
“Well, to be honest, I don’t have a problem with that.”
What was he talking about? Not once had he ever mentioned the idea of not having children, so I wondered where this was coming from.
“So, what are you saying?” I asked.
“That having children is not that important to me. Once upon a time it was, but now with me almost turning forty, it’s not.”
“Well, don’t you think you should have informed me about that?”
“Well, it’s not like I’d given it a lot of thought. I mean, if we got married and had a child, I would be fine with it, but if we didn’t I would be fine with that, too.”
I listened but didn’t say anything and he continued.
“I will say this, though. I’ve heard that the sex is different after women have hysterectomies.”
“What?” I said loudly.
“I heard that it doesn’t feel the same.”
“Please. That’s just some stupid myth that some stupid man came up with,” I said, getting to my feet.
“I’m just telling you what I’ve heard.”
“Well, Cameron, if I have cancer, there’s nothing I can do about it,” I said and snatched my handbag. “And I’m sorry I even bothered you about this.”
“No, baby, wait,” he said, stepping toward me and then grabbing both my hands. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’ll be here for you no matter what.”
“I need to get back to work,” I said.
“Then why don’t I come by tonight when you get home?”
“Fine. Whatever.”
“Taylor,” he said, placing his finger under my chin. “Look at me. I’m sorry, okay?”
“I’ll see you later,” I said, and walked out.
>
I’d gone to see Cameron in hopes that he would make me feel better, but now I wished I hadn’t told him anything. Because the fact of the matter was, I felt worse. I was terribly wounded by his not wanting to have children, and I was appalled by his idiot philosophy: Sex was horrible without a uterus.
I’d wanted him to show me some much-needed compassion, but what I’d gotten was a high-pitched wake-up call.
I’d learned that after two long years I really didn’t know the man.
Chapter 20
WHITNEY
T, YOU’RE GOING TO BE just fine,” I said. Taylor had just phoned me at work, informing me about the outcome of her doctor’s visit, and I could tell she was upset.
“I hope so, Whit, because if I need a hysterectomy—”
“You won’t. So don’t even talk like that. You have a fibroid, the doctor is going to remove it, and that will be that.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I am. You’ll see.”
“And then there’s this situation with Cameron. He’s acting so different and like he doesn’t even care about me.”
“So you told him?”
“Yeah, I went by his office an hour ago, but he wasn’t happy to see me. Although a lot of it had to do with the fact that we had an argument last night.”
“About what?”
“Marriage, of course. I told him that I was tired of dating him and that I wanted to know when he was going to fully commit. And that’s when he got mad and said he wasn’t ready to get married. He claims that first he wants his business to be on track.”
Wow. I liked Cameron a lot, but I was sort of shocked by what I was hearing. I’d known that he wasn’t in a hurry to get married and that Taylor wasn’t happy about it, but now I wondered myself why he was so hesitant. Especially since Taylor was such a good person and she was truly in love with him.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. “But maybe he’s just being cautious.”
“Cautious about what? Because it’s not like I’ve ever given him a reason to be.”
“I know. But you know how some men are. Some men are simply afraid to sign on the dotted line and that’s all there is to it.”
I heard Taylor sighing. “Well, as much as I love him, I won’t keep seeing him if he’s not planning to marry me. Life is way too short for that.”
“I hear you, but maybe you need to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you should have another talk with him and let him know how serious you are.”
“Maybe. But if he doesn’t change the way he feels, then I’m going to end things between us. I don’t want to, but I really don’t see where I have a choice. I won’t live the way my Aunt Hilda has for the last thirty years, shacking up with a man who isn’t her husband and who probably hasn’t provided for her.”
“Geez. That’s a long time,” I said, but deep down I wondered if I would end up having to accept something similar. I mean, over the last four days, things had gone wonderfully between Rico and me, but what if he only wanted to go out with me or eventually live with me? What if he never wanted to make everything legal? Would I complain? Would I be okay with it? Would I have enough strength to send him packing? I wanted to believe that I would do what was right, but I couldn’t be sure of it. Not when the alternative would mean being alone. I was too ashamed to admit this to Taylor, but a part of me understood Aunt Hilda’s decision. I understood because if I remembered correctly, Aunt Hilda was heavier than I was. Like me, she probably assumed there wouldn’t be many more offers.
“I just won’t do it,” Taylor said, sounding as though she was thinking out loud.
“Look, T. Just talk to him.”
“I will, but I’m telling you, if he still has the same attitude, we’re over.”
“I have a feeling he’ll come around once he realizes he’s about to lose you.”
“But there’s also something else he said that I can’t stop thinking about. The man actually had the nerve to say that he’s heard that sex is different with women who’ve had hysterectomies.”
“Different? Different how?”
“I don’t know, but that’s what he said.”
“That’s just crazy.”
“I agree, but I could tell he was serious about it.”
“Well, if he is, he’s been completely misinformed.”
“I know, but hey, hold on a minute,” Taylor said, I assumed answering another call.
I signed a stack of service orders and pushed them to the side of my desk. Then I opened a file and saw a name I didn’t think I’d have to see again. At least not for a while. It was Tacquinisha Bell’s. Apparently she’d finagled her way through to my boss’s boss and gotten those free minutes that I’d told her she couldn’t have. The same minutes we’d basically told her to forget about. Some people just didn’t know when to quit.
“Girl, this is Mom calling me back, so let me talk to you later, okay?” Taylor said.
“Okay, but T, remember what I said. Everything is going to be fine with your surgery, and please talk to Cameron.”
“Thanks, Whit. I’ll see what I can do.”
“I’ll call you tonight.”
“Sounds good.”
When I hung up the phone I prayed for Taylor and what she was going through, both medically and personally. I really did believe she was going to be all right, but I wouldn’t be satisfied until the doctor confirmed it. I wouldn’t be satisfied until he confirmed that my best friend in this whole wide world wasn’t going to leave me. Until he told her that she didn’t have cancer and that she would eventually have children. Lord knows I didn’t want to think the worst about any of this because I just couldn’t bear it.
After realizing it was right at two o’clock, I called Rico to make sure we were still on for this evening. He’d been working out with me every day as promised, but this morning he hadn’t been sure if he’d be able to make it tonight. Something about a business meeting after work.
“Rico Anderson,” he said.
Whitney Todd Anderson was all I could think because it had a nice ring to it.
“Hi,” I said when I finished daydreaming.
“What’s up?”
“Just checking to see if you’re going to make it to the health club.”
“Actually, I am. The meeting I told you about was postponed until next week.”
I grinned from ear to ear and I was glad he couldn’t see how silly I must have looked. I couldn’t wait to see him.
“Good,” I said. “Then I’ll meet you at the same time?”
“That works for me, and plan on working a lot harder than you did last night.”
“I will,” I affirmed, but I wasn’t sure how I could do any more than he was already making me. My muscles were ridiculously sore, and while I would never let on, I didn’t want to work out tonight at all. I had decided yesterday that it would be okay to take a break on Fridays and Sundays, but I knew Rico wasn’t going for it. He was so serious about all of this. He was more serious than I wanted him to be but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. I didn’t want him thinking I was a quitter, not when I was making so much progress. I’d already lost ten whole pounds in four days.
“So, I guess I’ll see you then?” he said after pausing for a few seconds.
“Yep. See ya.”
When I arrived at the health club, there weren’t as many cars in the parking lot and I was happy. Apparently a lot of the members were thinking like me, that Friday should be a rest day, and I didn’t blame them. If anything, I envied them.
I walked inside, went into the locker room, and put on my brand-new T-shirt. Next, I pulled on my stretch pants. Normally, I wouldn’t have cared too much about my workout clothing, but I guess I was trying to impress Rico. I knew I still had a long way to go, but I wanted to look as good as possible.
After pulling my hair into a ponytail, I went up to the weight training area. My heart dropped into my stomach when I looked across the room. Rico was lau
ghing with some woman who was standing too close to him. Not to mention, she looked like a supermodel, the kind that any agency would fight to represent.
My first thought was to walk back out, but my feet wouldn’t move. So I stood there, wishing this woman would go away. I wanted her to go find her own man to mingle with.
Finally, Rico saw me and beckoned for me to come over.
I ambled slowly, trying to give Ms. Thing enough time to vacate, but she just stood there, waiting. For all I knew, she was laughing her insides out because of how fat I was.
“Bethany,” Rico said to her, “this is Whitney, a very good friend of mine who I’ve been training on weights.”
“Whitney, this is Bethany. Bethany just joined here last week.”
A good friend of his who he’s been training with? Was that what he saw me as? Not after sending me flowers only two days after meeting me and having sex with me four nights out of four. I didn’t know whether to feel used or offended.
“It’s nice to meet you,” she said.
“Nice to meet you, too,” I muttered, looking away from both of them, and I guess she took the hint.
“Well, I’d better get going,” she said. “But I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
When she left I stared at Rico disapprovingly.
“Hey, you,” he said, smiling.
But I walked toward one of the Life Cycle machines, ignoring him.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to get started so I can get out of here.”
“Whoaaa. What’s this all about?”
“I told you, nothing.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
“I’m not. I’m tired and I want to get this over with.”
“Fine, but instead of doing two reps on each machine, I want you to do three.”
“Why?”
“Because you won’t be exercising this weekend and this will make up for it.”
“I don’t think I can do any more than what I’ve been doing.”
“Yes you can.”
I realized he wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I climbed on the biceps curler, set the resistance, and started working.
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