by Liz K. Lorde
Shawn and I walk out of the bakery a half hour later. As we walk to the car, I realize I haven’t felt this happy or carefree in a very long time. Only Shawn has ever made me feel this way.
Chapter 15
Shawn
“So what’s Tanner like?” I’m driving us back to Evelyn’s house, or should I say our house. Although that might be jumping the gun, referring to it as our house, I don’t even know what to call it at this point since things still aren’t coming back to me.
“Well, you know he’s six years old now,” Evelyn begins, “and he’s in kindergarten.” She peeks at me out of the corner of her eye.
“Yes, I figured that part out last night. What’s he like? You know, his personality. I mean, I saw a little bit of it last night, but I want to know more. Is he funny? Caring? A genius?”
“He reminds me of you a lot. Not only does he look like you, but he also has your sense of humor,” she chuckles a little. “He loves to tell these little jokes. Whether they’re funny or not, he’ll laugh. Of course, I laugh along with him.”
“He definitely has my looks—the sandy blonde hair and those green eyes. I think his eyes are even greener than mine are.” I keep my own on the road.
“There are some days when they’re greener than other days,” Evelyn looks out the passenger window. “Don’t forget I have green eyes, too; but you’re right, he does have your eyes.”
“Your eye color is more subdued than ours, but I didn’t forget,” I glance over at her. “Tell me more.”
“There’s not much to say. I mean, you’ve missed a lot in the six years since he was born,” she looks at me.
“You don’t need to remind me. I feel bad enough that I’ve missed those years.” She has no idea how bad I feel for not figuring out who I was sooner. She sure as hell doesn’t need to rub in it.
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just hard to know what to tell you. There’s a lot that has happened.”
An awkward silence follows.
I’m trying to think of what to say next. I mean this isn’t easy, coming back to your life before you left for Afghanistan and finding out you have a son.
“Does he play any sport?” I ask, grasping for something. Anything.
“He has played baseball for the Little League here in town. He played his first year last summer.”
“Wow, they start them young now.”
“Yeah, they have to be five by June 1.”
“Something tells me baseball is my favorite sport.”
“You’re right about that.”
“I’m glad to hear that Tanner’s playing. Will he play again?” I ask hoping he will.
“I think so. He enjoyed it. It’s so much fun watching them run around the field. They have no idea what they’re doing most of the time—other than someone is hitting the ball and the team in the outfield has to get it to a base to tag them out.”
I chuckle a bit. “I bet it’s fun to watch. I don’t remember my own baseball days at all.”
“It’s been a long time ago for you.”
“It has been. My amnesia isn’t helping either.” Fucking amnesia. I fucking hate that I can’t remember half of the shit that has happened to me.
“It’s okay. You’ll get your memory back soon.” Evelyn peers over at me.
I want to grab her hand and hold it like I used to before I left for Afghanistan. That is one thing I do remember of this woman sitting next to me in the car: how she looked at me when I held her hand, so soft and gentle in my huge calloused hands.
“I’m just sad that I missed him playing baseball.”
“Oh, don’t feel sad. He’s just getting started. He still has a lot to learn, and I’m sure you could teach him some things you’ve learned when you played years ago. You were a great player back in high school. Remember that?”
“No, I don’t. What position did I play?” I have no fucking recollection of playing baseball in high school.
“First base, most of the time. Sometimes, the outfield.” She gives me that look I know I’ve seen before. The one that was stuck in my head.
“I don’t remember that.”
“Don’t feel bad.”
“How can I not? I fucking hate what happened to me. I can’t remember shit.”
“Shawn, really, it’s okay. I’ve signed up Tanner, so he’ll play again.” Evelyn is trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate that, but I still hate how it makes me feel.
I fake a half-smile at her.
“Now that you’re back home, maybe you could even coach his team. The league is always looking for coaches. People volunteer to become a coach, and sadly, not many people are willing to do that.” She’s given me something to think about.
“Yeah, I’d like to do that,” I’m still having a hard time believing I’m a dad, and now here I am thinking about coaching my son’s baseball team.
“I’m sure Tanner would love that. I could tell last night how much he was enjoying the time with you. Thanks for reading him his stories.”
“I did enjoy it.” We’re almost back to the house. “I just wish I had known about Tanner sooner. I would have fought harder to get better and get back to you.”
“Really. Stop beating yourself up. That’s not going to help you heal and get your memory back,” she reaches over and puts her warm feminine hand on my right knee. “Things are going to get better for you, I promise.”
I look over and smile halfheartedly at her. “I hope you’re right about that.”
She squeezes my knee and returns with her genuine smile.
I pull the car into the driveway right behind where James has parked his truck. He’s climbing out of the driver’s side and walking toward the back of the truck and toward us in Evelyn’s car. When he reaches the back bumper of the truck, he stares at Evelyn and me getting out.
I walk toward him. His face turns as white as a ghost. He has no words for me. We stare at each other for a moment.
I see Evelyn out of the corner of my eye. She stays back a few steps and watches us.
“Well, aren’t you going to give me a hug?” I ask.
“Shit, is that you, Shawn?” The expression on his face says it all.
“Hell, yeah, man.” I don’t have much of a memory of James other than what Evelyn has told me.
He was my best friend. I use the past tense because best friends were supposed to help and support each other. Obviously, James hasn’t done that. He let my wife think I was dead, and never tried to find me and bring me home to her.
Instead, he made a move on her and tried to be a dad to my son. He took my family away from me. I should be pissed. I should be ready to tell him to get the hell away from my family. But I won’t.
I’m just glad to be here.
“Well, fuck, if you’re not going to hug me, I’ll hug you.” I take the couple of steps to where James stands and give him a big bear hug.
He hesitates to return the gesture. His arms are down at his sides for a few seconds, but he does raise them after a second or so and reciprocates the hug half-assed. It’s not as powerful as the one I give him, but I’m okay with that.
James lets go as quickly as he can. “How in the hell are you doing?” he asks and glances over at Evelyn.
She moves closer to us so that we stand in a small circle between the truck and car.
“I’m doing well.” I’m not about to let him know how much I’m fucking hurting on the inside. “How the fuck are you?” I ask.
“I’m doing great,” he continues glaring at me.
He’s pissed at me, pissed because I’m here. I can tell he doesn’t like it, but I don’t give a shit. This is my family, my wife, my son.
This is my fucking life that he has stolen from me.
“That’s good to hear,” James looks from me to Evelyn. His face turns a pale red.
Evelyn doesn’t know what to say. What can she say?
“So how was the cake tasting?” James asks Evelyn, eventually
breaking the silence.
“It was wonderful. We had several cakes to try.”
“We? Who’s we?” James’s face gets redder.
“I went with her,” I’m not letting her take shit from him. “I offered to go with her when you couldn’t go.”
“I was busy, and it was hard for me to get away. She knows that.”
“No need to get angry with him.” Evelyn defends me. “I let him go.”
James looks at her, then at me, and back at her. “Whatever the fuck you say.” He stomps off to the house, leaving us standing there in the driveway.
“I’d better get my stuff and go.” I start to walk toward the house.
“You’re not leaving,” Evelyn says behind me.
I stop in my tracks and turn around to face her.
“I want you to stay here.”
Chapter 16
Evelyn
Walking up the stairs and into the house, I consider Shawn’s response to my demand for him to stay with us.
And it was a demand.
I just can’t help it! He just came back into our lives. Shawn didn’t really say anything. No argument at all. Nothing about him needing to be anywhere else or any other commitments.
Thank fucking God. I would hate to have to kill him so soon after finding out he’s alive.
Entering the house, I look over and see Mattie, our neighbor and the babysitter, with Tanner in the living room, watching cartoons.
It looks like James has stormed through already. I can hear banging from the direction of the kitchen.
Mattie is no dummy. She’s lying low and out of the way with Tanner.
“Hey, Mattie. Do you think you guys could move up to Tanner’s room to find something to do for a few minutes?”
Mattie’s eyes widen as she takes in Shawn walking behind me.
Oh, brother.
I know what she’s thinking, and I don’t have time to explain right now. She will just have to think I was just busted by James with a boyfriend.
“Shawn!” Tanner zips over and throws himself at Shawn.
Not missing a beat, Shawn scoops him up and spins him in a circle before putting him down in front of us again. “How was school this morning, buddy?”
“It was awesome! We had chocolate muffins!” Tanner is hanging on Shawn’s arm with both hands, jumping up and down.
“Lucky!”
Shawn’s response gives me an idea.
Bending down so I can talk to him at eye level, I turn Tanner’s body by the shoulders, so he will focus on me.
“Tanner, I need you to go upstairs and play for a few minutes with Mattie, so I can talk to James and Shawn about the wedding cake that we went to check out this morning. Maybe after, we could make some muffins or cake for after dinner tonight?”
“Okay!” He’s already on his way up the stairs as he calls down to Mattie. “I have some new Skylanders you haven’t played with me yet.”
“Mattie, this is Shawn.” I don’t want to be rude even though this day is going to hell in a handbasket.
Even though this is all uncomfortable and shitty, it’s worth it. Shawn is here, alive. And no matter what happens, Tanner has his father back.
She leans in briefly to shake Shawn’s hand, murmuring, “Nice to meet you,” before heading up the stairs behind Tanner.
“Thanks, Mattie.”
She throws a sympathetic look over her shoulder before rounding the corner.
Now I have some questions. I’m not going to let James storm away and throw a temper tantrum. I know how to run offense, too, and he has some explaining to do.
Entering the kitchen, I find James staring out the back window with his hands on his head. As he swings around to face me, I don’t let him speak before starting in on him.
“Can you please explain to me how you saw Shawn die?”
I think I’m keeping my voice surprisingly cool and calm considering the circumstances. It probably has more to do with Tanner upstairs than anything else.
His mouth gapes open and shut a few times before stuttering out, “I was sitting right next to him. He died.”
“Well, obviously not!” Lowering my voice again, I hiss my words in anger. “I know in the past we haven’t discussed this because my grief around the situation made it impossible. But Shawn is here. And alive. I want more details this time. Right now.”
James face turns red at my demands. His voice is as falsely controlled as mine as he clips out his words.
“We were under fire. Heavy fire for a long time. Sitting there, trapped in a building, taking turns firing, they threw a bomb in. The building collapsed. Half the roof fell on him. I was hurt, too.”
His eyes are shifting from me to Shawn, who has come into the kitchen next to me. I feel like he’s backing me up, just like old times. I’m glad he’s hearing this. I can imagine he has the same questions that I do.
How could this have ever happened to anyone in the service?
“They dragged me out on a stretcher. I didn’t get to see them try to dig him out, but they said he was dead and that he couldn’t be dug out with the tools they had. Not on the evac schedule they were keeping. It sounded like they needed heavy equipment to move the debris, and there weren’t exactly any cranes and forklifts sitting around over there!”
My anger at the situation is starting to fade. James doesn’t really seem to know any more than that, and it makes sense. He was counting on his superiors and evac team to do their job, and obviously, someone dropped the fucking ball!
It isn’t his fault. Fighting over this right now won’t change the past. We need to move forward. If there is someone we need to sue over this, that isn’t the pressing issue right now.
“Okay.” Taking a deep breath, I try to will my temper under control.
“Okay? What does that mean?” James is still fired up, his hands on his hips.
“Okay, I’m letting this go for the moment.” I fire back immediately. “You obviously don’t seem to know anything more about it.”
“Well, that’s very considerate of you, but I would like to know why you took him to our cake testing appointment!”
“He was here and volunteered to go.” I shrug. “That’s more than I can say for you.” I just couldn’t help the last jab in there.
James has gotten worse and worse about really being present in the relationship. I guess I didn’t mind before because, when it comes right down to it, I’m still not sure how I feel about him. He’s always played second fiddle to Shawn’s memory.
“You should have told me. You should have told me as soon as he showed up. When did he show up?”
Uh-oh.
He has a point, but I really wanted to see how he reacted when he saw Shawn. The whole situation just doesn’t make sense somehow.
Shawn has moved a few feet away and is leaning against the wall by the entrance to the kitchen with his arms crossed. His eyes are slits as he watches this play out.
I know that look. He isn’t impressed with how this is going.
“Yesterday.”
“Yesterday?”
Damn it. I refuse to feel guilty about Shawn being here. He’s my fucking husband, for Christ’s sake!
“Yes, yesterday evening. I was shocked, of course. He doesn’t remember us. He’s getting to know us.”
I can see the imaginary steam start to pour out of James ears at my words. His face is redder than ever as he steps closer to me.
“What does that mean, ‘getting to know us’?” He air quotes sarcastically, practically sneering the words.
I’m shocked at his attitude—but not super surprised. He’s mad and hurt. We’ve been friends and dating casually for years. As Shawn’s best friend and his partner, we consoled each other and grew close while grieving his death.
“I think it’s time to take a pause. I have some things to say, too.” Shawn has stepped up next to us, holding his hands up.
Good timing because I’m at a loss for what to say.
“James, I’m not here to step on your toes and steal your girl.” Pausing, he lets that sink in as James crosses his arms with a stony expression on his face. “I’m putting my life back together with the small amount of memories that I still have. I have never forgotten Evelyn’s face. I dream about her almost every night. When I saw you propose to her on TV, I knew that was the woman in my dreams. That’s what led me here.”
Shawn is staring at me, even though his words are for James. And of course, I’m gazing back at him.
“Do you still plan on marrying me?” James direct question pulls my eyes to him.
I can feel myself blush as I glance back at Shawn, who is looking just as interested in my answer as James.
“Well, technically, I don’t know if that’s even possible if my husband is still alive.”
It’s such a convenient out. All this time, I’ve been indecisive. Because of my love for Shawn. After being put on the spot during the proposal, this is such a relief.
I’m such a wimp, I know, but I don’t want to hurt James. He doesn’t deserve this, either. The life he’s planning with me is disappearing with Shawn back in the picture.
He knows if I don’t pick him now, it’s over. But how can I pick him when I’m married?
“I think before she makes that decision, we need to spend some time together and discuss our marriage—or divorce.”
Slowly nodding my head, I realize that I agree with Shawn’s statement. Butterflies explode in my stomach.
I look over at James to see how he is taking it.
“Where are you staying?” James is looking at Shawn with his words, but I jump in immediately.
“He’s staying here.”
“Oh, fuck, no!” James yells, and the next minute is a blur as he flies at Shawn.
His swing at Shawn’s face doesn’t connect because Shawn ducks. As Shawn comes up from ducking, he smoothly tosses his fist into James’s stomach, and it’s game over!
James doubles over, gasping, and Shawn throws his arm around his shoulders and starts moving him towards the door.
“I think it’s time to step outside.” Shawn’s apologetic look to me is totally unnecessary. “I’ll walk him to his car.”