by Liz K. Lorde
He gives me this “I’m busy” excuse all the fucking time, and I’m so sick and tired of hearing it.
For once, why can’t I be a priority? With Shawn, I am. How can I fucking walk away from that?
I sit up and lean over to kiss Shawn’s neck one more time before I try to fall asleep myself.
Shit, what’s happening?
Two hands wrap themselves around my neck. I feel my air being cut off. I try to scream and wake Shawn up, but I can’t. My air is being cut off and I’m struggling to breathe.
Holy shit.
The room is going out of focus, and I fear for my life.
Chapter 23
Shawn
I want to tell her I love her, but I’m not sure if the words would come out properly. The world goes black for me and I enter the land of dreams.
Of course I don’t have nice dreams anymore, about the woman I love, ice cream or baseball. Oh no. In my dreams, I’m shot at, and tonight is no fucking different.
I’m not sure, but as soon as my eyelids close, I’m transported to a different time and place. I’m back in Afghanistan.
It’s so fucking hot that I can’t stand it. Wearing a uniform and carrying a pack that weighs a third of my body weight sucks, especially when it’s hot enough outside to cook an egg.
Everything’s covered in dust because it’s so dry. There’s no fucking way I could ever live in a place like this.
I’m with James and the rest of my squad in a three-story building. I hear bombs going off all around us. Some of those bombs sound so close I can feel the ground shake as they explode.
The details about what happened next are vague. I remember a bomb going off in the building where we were.
The roof collapses. Shit, I’m stuck under piles of rubble. I’m able to call out somewhat, but I hear nothing.
I yell as loud as I can. Still nothing.
I try to move and can’t. My right leg is stuck under a piece of the roof. It’s so heavy that there’s no way I can budge it.
I lie there for what seems like an eternity. I keep calling out as I hear voices around me. But they seem so far away. So close and yet far enough they can’t hear me.
I can’t yell loud enough for them to hear me. I keep trying, though.
My leg hurts so fucking bad. Again, I try to push the piece of roof off me, and I’m pissed no one hears me.
How in the hell could they be right next to me one minute and gone as soon as this happens?
I force as much air into my lungs as I can. I scream as loud as possible, hoping someone will hear me. I have no idea how much time has passed, but it feels like several hours. I lie there waiting to die. I don’t think anyone is coming for me.
A picture of a woman enters my mind. She’s so damn pretty, and she’s all mine. I can’t wait until this deployment is over so I can go home.
That is, if anyone finds me.
I yell again. The voices I’ve been hearing get closer to me. They’re speaking English, so they have to be Americans. They have to be there looking for the wounded, or maybe even the dead.
I hear someone say, “I heard someone yell over here.”
Within a minute, I feel people digging through the shit on top of me.
“I’m here,” I say. “My leg is crushed, but I’m okay.”
“We’re trying to get you out. Hold on,” someone replies.
I didn’t realize how much was on top of me until I can almost see a face. But I fucking black out before I can get a clear view of who it belonged to. I’m so pissed to know I am so close to seeing the face of the person who was about to rescue me.
I’m even more pissed when I think the face had hair color like James’s. I know he was close by when the building collapsed.
Why isn’t he buried with me? How did he get out alive and untouched when I’m buried in a fucking rubble from the building?
This doesn’t make any fucking sense. What in the hell happened to me over there? Why am I seeing James’s face rescuing me? Shouldn’t he be under the rubble, too?
So many questions race through my mind. I see that unclear face over and over.
Did James have something to do with what happened to me? Did he know I was alive and he lied to Evelyn all these years?
My heart pounds hard in my chest. Panic sets in. I can feel someone’s breath on the top of me. Panic grabs hold. I reach out with both hands and grab someone’s neck. I’m thinking my captors still have me.
I’m ready to fight for my life because I have no idea when someone will find me. I have to find a way out on my own.
The neck doesn’t feel like a man’s. It’s not big enough to be that of a man. Too skinny. And the skin is soft.
Over in Afghanistan, they use children to do some of their fighting so the neck I hold in my hands could be that of a young child.
I wake up. My heart pounds even faster.
Fuck. The neck doesn’t belong to a child. It’s Evelyn’s.
My chest feels like it’s going to explode. My heart is beating that hard. Serious panic has set in.
I see Evelyn gasping for air, and I let go.
She takes in a deep breath, coughing a little, and has a scared look on her face. No, it’s not scared—it’s more like fucking terrified.
Shit. What have I done? Have I hurt her?
No, she’s breathing and staring at me like I’m some kind of monster.
She pulls the covers up and covers her naked body. She sits on the bed and doesn’t move. She stops looking at me.
I realize how badly I could have hurt her. Maybe even strangled her. I’m so fucking scared that I’m shaking. I take deep breaths trying to calm myself down.
Neither of us says anything until we’ve caught our breaths.
“I’m sorry.” I look over at her.
Evelyn doesn’t answer me.
“Did you hear me?” I ask. I want to reach over and touch her, but I’m afraid of what she’ll say or do or both.
I give her time to answer me. When she doesn’t, I say, “I’m so sorry that I grabbed you like that. I didn’t mean to do it.”
She stares at me, like I’m some kind of fucking monster. I don’t blame her one bit.
I have no idea what got into me to nearly strangle her like that. Her stare makes me feel like shit. I don’t belong here anymore.
I jump out of bed and quickly jerk my boxers and jeans on. I grab my shoes and shirt and head downstairs. I had to get out of the bedroom as fast as I could.
At the bottom of the stairs, I put my shoes on and slip my shirt over my head. I sit down on the step a second from the bottom. I couldn’t take the way she was glaring at me anymore.
All I can think about is getting out of the fucking house. I walk to the door. Just as I put my hand on the door knob, Evelyn says, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I turn to look at her, standing about halfway down the stairs. “Absolutely fucking nothing.”
“Then, why are you leaving?” She isn’t about to give in and let me leave without playing twenty fucking questions.
“I haven’t been a part of your life for a few years now,” I begin, “so I don’t think I have to tell you shit about what I’m doing or where I’m going.”
She gives me that stare again. It’s as if she’s trying to see inside of me.
The only problem is, I don’t want her to see what’s inside me. She will never fucking understand the shit I’ve been through. Not in one million fucking years.
“Stop fucking looking at me like that.” I surprise myself at the way I’m talking to my wife, or whoever she is.
“I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on. That’s all.” She stands there in only a robe I’m sure.
A memory flashes in my head. I remember how she never wore anything under a robe. She used to tell me how she loved the way it felt on her naked body.
“Well, don’t. Okay?” I turn back around to open the front door.
“Please don�
�t leave,” she pleads behind me. Her voice gets louder.
I flip around to find her standing right in front of me. “I have to. I can’t stay here.”
“Why?”
“You have to ask me that after what I almost did?”
“Please, Shawn, don’t go.” I see the hurt in her eyes. She’s just gotten me back after thinking I was dead. How can I leave her again?
“You’ll never understand the shit I’ve been through.”
“I bet if you told me about it I would. You know I’m an understanding person.” Her eyes give me that loving look.
“And I’m not telling you anything about the last few years. I don’t want you to fucking know what happened. No one will.” And I mean that.
For the second time, I turn around to the front door and storm out, leaving Evelyn standing in the doorway in her robe—or so I thought.
I don’t make it halfway down the sidewalk when I hear something behind me. She grabs my left arm and stops me in my tracks.
Chapter 24
Evelyn
I can’t lose him—not again—not after I’ve just gotten him back.
“Shawn!” I cry out.
It’s hard to keep my voice under control. Mindful of neighbors and a sleeping Tanner, I don’t want to yell too loudly.
He doesn’t stop, and soon, he’s stepping onto the street.
I speed up to catch him, practically running as if my life depended on it—and it does. That may seem dramatic, but can you blame me after what I’ve been through with this man?
First, he’s listed as missing in action, and then, I’m told he’s dead. Out of the blue, he shows up after seven years; and now, he wants to simply walk away again, out of mine and Tanner’s life.
I won’t give up without a fight.
My arm reaches out quickly to grab his arm. I yank on it, trying to stop him, and pull him towards me, but he’s determined to keep going, and my feeble attempt does nothing.
“Shawn, stop! Where are you going?” I dig my nails into his bicep.
He finally stops right in the middle of the road.
“Shawn, talk to me. Why are you trying to leave?”
He looks at me in disbelief.
“What do you mean, why?” he asks. “You were there, Evelyn. It was your throat my hands were wrapped around.”
His voice breaks slightly. He has a look on his face that I can only describe as the look of a man who has been broken and now appears like a lost little boy. His eyes are filled with raw emotion—sorrow, anger, and devastation.
“I was there…but you were having a nightmare. I’m fine, and it’s al—”
“Do not say you are fucking alright!” he growls. “What just happened is not okay, Evelyn—it will never be okay. And I know you are not fine. Your voice is raspy, so I know I hurt you, and you still have a hint of fear in your eyes.”
He’s right—my voice is starting to rasp a little, and my throat feels a little scratchy. It could be worse, though, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he doesn’t leave me.
There are multiple reasons for my symptoms. For starters, I’m faced with him walking out of my life again.
“Let’s go back into the house and talk about this, please,” I beg him.
His eyes widen.
“No, Evelyn! I was just choking you not two minutes ago in that house, in your own bed. How can you even be standing here asking me to come back into the house after what I just did?”
My blood is getting colder by the minute. He’s freaked out about what happened—I understand—but it’s terrifying to think that I can’t convince him to not let this pull us apart.
“I’m too unstable and dangerous to stay with you,” he continues. “I had no control over what I was doing to you because of a damn dream—I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I refuse to put you in harm’s way, even if it means I have to remove myself from your side.”
We are both silent for a while. Then he goes on, “Look, I hurt you. What if I do it again or next time it’s Tanner I’m hurting? No, just no. I’m not going to let that happen.”
He runs his hands through his hair in utter frustration. My heart aches for him. Trouble is, I know he would never hurt me or Tanner. Not on purpose.
Deep down I know he’d always stop, and, deep down, I believe those nightmares will get better over time.
“You’re not going to hurt me or Tanner,” I exclaim. “I trust you. You realized what was happening instantly and backed off. I saw the shock and fear in your eyes when the dream cleared. I know you didn’t mean to react to the dream in the way you did, and that’s all that matters.”
He lifts his hands up to thread them through his hair again before gripping his head tightly. I can feel the frustration he is exuding right now.
“It does matter, Evelyn. We can’t just ignore it. Yes, I backed off, but I still had my hands around your throat before that. If it happened once, it can happen again. That’s why I can’t stay and it’s why I’m leaving.”
He turns away from me, but I latch on to him, pulling with all my might.
“No! You just came back to me! Don’t you dare leave me again, you bastard!” I yelled the last statement to him.
Tears are now streaming down my face. I can’t go through the whole ordeal of losing him again. I’ve never gotten over the first time I thought he was gone, and my heart shattered when I was told he was killed in Afghanistan.
If he leaves now, there will be nothing left of me. And this time, I would know for a fact that he is alive, but not by my side.
“Please, Shawn,” I frantically beg. “Not again. I thought you were dead, and now I know you’re not. You leave, and I might as well be dead, too.”
Shawn is staring at me with a tortured expression.
Over Shawn’s shoulder, I see one of the neighbor’s lights turning on. Shawn turns to see what I’m looking at, and we both see the curtains twitch as someone looks out onto the street.
He turns back to me and pulls me into his arms. I grip him with every fiber of my being.
“Don’t leave me, please,” I mumble into his chest.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he whispers to me. “I’m not leaving you. Let’s go back into the house.”
I pull my face back and notice the tears I’ve left on his shirt before looking him in the eye. I’m still crying, but I manage to nod my head.
We walk back towards the house with Shawn’s arm wrapped around my shoulder and mine wrapped around his waist. I refuse to let him go, afraid that if I do, he’ll run scared again.
Before this moment, I haven’t realized how terrified I am of losing him again. I’ve never really allowed this thought to take root in my head.
When he came back, it sort of felt like he was here despite the fact that he had amnesia, despite the fact that I was engaged to another man, or that neither of us knew what to do now that we were back together.
I also haven’t realized the extent of how much this man means to me. I loved him with all my heart before he disappeared. Knowing what it was like to live without him made me realize how empty my life was—even with James by my side.
Experiencing the fear of losing him a second time revealed yet another aspect of just how much I need and want Shawn in my life. He means everything to me. He’s the love of my life, my best friend, and the father of my child.
Without him, I’m nothing. He completes me.
I can’t and won’t let him leave me again.
Chapter 25
Shawn
“Is this a good dream? Or is it just a dream?”
“Sweetheart, what are you talking about?”
Evelyn sure seems like she’s awake and aware as both her hands grip me acutely, purposefully leaning her weight against mine while walking.
The way the cool night air assaults my face is also a tad too real for a dream. As real as dreams are, they’re not that real.
Also, she’s walking, so I doubt she’s
in dreamland quite yet.
“Could you ask that question one more time, Evelyn? I need to make sure I have the details down pat before I commit to an answer.”
“Is this a good dream? Or is it just a dream?”
She glances up at me with those beautiful green eyes. They blink slowly, and they’ve already got that dreamy expression in them.
“You might be dreaming right now because that still doesn’t make much s—”
“It makes perfect sense.”
She begins sloping against me with even more intensity and holding onto me even more tenaciously.
The way she fits into me is perfect. I can’t help but strain to remember what it was like before…before the accident, before I lost my memory.
Did we take moonlit walks? Did we argue? Or were we the perfect couple?
I begin slowing down the pace of our walk to extend this magnificent moment for as long as I can. If I don’t have my old memories, I want to at least create perfect new ones. And this one, I won’t forget, ever.
Of course, I may have said that about other memories. And look at what’s happened to me. I’m a walking shell of my former self.
Nothing. I search, I grope, and nothing. My mind remains blank.
“To answer your question, if we were in a dream, it would be a good dream,” I admit.
“How good?”
Evelyn’s voice is taking on additional sleepiness as we approach her front door. She must be beyond exhausted after that episode we just experienced together.
I know myself how tired you are after being assaulted by a massive amount of adrenalin.
Fortunately, all of the darkness surrounding that ordeal—those hazy traumas starting to resurface, the confusion between the present and a past that refuses to fade away gracefully, the fear and bewilderment that my actions inspired—it’s all evaporating as quickly and completely as a half-remembered nightmare in the morning light.
I even spot the lights of nosy, awakened neighbors shutting off as the usual early morning quiet resettles onto the neighborhood.
But, most of all, I can tell that things have taken a sudden, rapid turn for the better by the way that Evelyn has relaxed on so many levels—letting herself almost fall, knowing that I’ll be there to keep her safe and upright.