Maks leaned in close. “Tell him to piss off.”
I kissed Maks, speaking against his lips. “Already done.”
“Hungry?” he asked.
As soon as I thought about food, my stomach snarled and hunger pangs so strong they could have been cramps shot through my belly.
“Yes,” Lila stretched in my arms, jamming a wing in my face and in Maks’s. “I’m starving.”
“Nice to see you awake.” Maks poked a finger at her belly.
She snapped at him. “How could you not know it was Antony and Cleopatra? Seriously, I think less of you now, you know that, right?”
“What?” The furrow in his brows made me chuckle as I sat up, turned, and then assumed I was still dreaming.
Because what the hell were Kiara, Shem, Ford, and what looked like . . . “Merlin.” I was up and moving, my stomach forgotten as I hurried toward the stretcher.
“What happened to him?”
Kiara was beside me in a flash, her eyes full of worry. “Ishtar. She tried to kill him and had me take his body to the graveyard.”
“And,” Merlin said softly, “she decided to torture me by keeping me alive.”
I put a hand over his. “You probably deserved it.”
“Oh, more than deserved it.” He opened his one good eye. “Ishtar does not want us to help one another.”
“Which means we have to stay together.” I squeezed his hand.
A grunt from the peanut gallery turned me to see Steve standing there with his hands on his hips, just being a dick as usual. “He’ll slow us down.”
“How long it takes us to get to the Emperor doesn’t matter, only that we go.” I grinned. “Capiche?”
Steve shook his head. “I want to be done with you,” he made a sweeping gesture that took us all in, “as soon as possible.”
“Then go,” Kiara snapped. “We don’t need you.”
Gods, she’d grown up in the last little while. “Kiara is right; we don’t need you. Either of you.”
He shook his head. “Not that simple. I have a message for the Emperor from Ishtar.”
Darcy startled; obviously he’d kept her out of that loop. Good, let her see that he was always going to be full of secrets and lies. He was not a good man. He’d never been a good man. Which goes to show how broken I was in my own self when I was with him, to believe he was the best I could do. Kiara looked at me and I gave her a nod, seeing the same understanding in her eyes.
“Leave him behind,” Steve said. “We don’t need him.”
Lila shot up into the air. “‘Lord, what fool this mortal be!’” Sure she was paraphrasing, but it worked.
“I do know that one,” Maks drawled.
Lila fanned her wings right in Steve’s face. “You’re an idiot. Merlin is the Emperor’s son. Who if not him has more knowledge of what we are facing?”
Steve shook his head. “I’m not facing him, just giving him the message.”
A low, croaking laugh rolled from Merlin. “You ever hear the saying, don’t kill the messenger? That will not apply to the Emperor.”
I watched as Steve’s face paled. “Maybe you should just run away,” I said.
“He can’t. Neither of us can,” Darcy whispered. “She put a spell on us. If we don’t do as we’ve been tasked—”
“NO!” Steve roared the word. “Do not tell them.”
Well, shit.
I shrugged as if it didn’t matter to me, because really, it didn’t. If Steve and Darcy ended up cursed or spelled, that was no loss to me. If they died, sadly, it was no loss to anyone. Whatever happened to them meant nothing, not one iota of camel crap to the world, or anyone in it.
“Do what you want,” I said. “We’ll go at the speed our weakest member dictates, and right now, that’s Merlin. That’s how it works in a pride, Steve. Even you know that.” I wasn’t about to tell Steve that I was going to try to heal Merlin the second I had enough energy. I could do it, with Maks’s help. But it was draining, and my reserves were low at best.
Goddess only knew when Ollianna would make her next play for our lives. I needed to be ready for that, not worrying about the sheep fucker.
Kiara snorted in Steve’s direction. “I will pray that your death comes slowly, and with great dishonor.”
“Oh,” Lila stage whispered, “I like her more and more. I wish that same thing on a certain dragon. And that his wings and pecker melt off in an acid rain.”
She did a barrel roll and landed on Maks’s shoulder. “You’re about the only male around here worth saving right now. Even if you are a Toad.”
Ford, Shem, and even Merlin gave a communal “hey” that Lila ignored.
Maks shot me a questioning look and I shook my head, mouthing “later.”
Kiara bent over a small fire and pulled off a skewer of lizard. “Eat, it’ll help.”
I didn’t argue and found myself tearing through not one, not two, but three of the lizards I’d killed earlier.
The talk around me was a flow that I listened to, not interrupting. From what I could tell, Steve and Darcy had left, and Kiara, Ford, and Shem had chosen to follow with Merlin in tow in case the first two were out to cause me trouble.
“What about the younglings?” I asked around licking my fingers.
“I sent Benji and Frankie out to the hills. Ishtar seems uninterested in them, as if they don’t really count.” Kiara tipped her head. “It’s strange.”
“Not so strange,” Merlin said. “Lions are her animal to draw from, but it’s easier to draw from those she has ties with. And despite her taking my life-force to heal her own body, the reality is she’s still weak.”
I looked at him, seeing the wounds that he claimed had been on Ishtar, the wounds that the Jinn had inflicted on her at the Oracle’s Haunt, and a question curled through me, finding its way to my mouth. “How was she able to take your energy in the first place? What ties did she have to you? Shouldn’t you have been able to deny her?”
He cleared his throat and grimaced as though even that pained him. “Long time ago, she and I . . .” He trailed off and I doubted very much that he was sleeping. More like avoiding saying what we all heard without words.
Merlin and Ish? I wanted to bang my head against one of the oversized boulders.
“Seriously? Is there anyone you haven’t fucked besides me and Kiara?” I grumbled.
“Darcy.” Merlin looked up at me and gave a long slow blink that I supposed was a wink. “And Flora.”
Now that one surprised me, with the way Merlin had stared after the priestess of Zeus. Not that she had returned the looks, but I’d made an assumption that there had already been a consummation of that relationship. “Where is Flora, anyway?” I crouched beside Merlin.
“I don’t know,” he said. “I blacked out and when I woke up, I was with Ishtar in the Stockyards.”
A snort from behind us turned me around, twisting on the balls of my feet. Steve was mounted up on his horse. “Does any of this matter?”
I smiled up at him. “Yes.”
“How?”
I sighed. “If I have to explain it to you, then you really are the dumbass I’ve always claimed you to be.”
A tug along my spine, the flail reminding me that it was indeed time to go was a far better spur than Steve being Steve.
With a quick wave of my hand, I got everyone going. “Mount up, everyone, before Steve gets his thong wrapped up so tight, he hangs himself by his balls.”
I helped Kiara get the travois tied to the back of Ford’s horse and took note that Ford hadn’t so much as said hello. There was no way around this moment, but I wouldn’t have it in front of Steve. That would only give him more reason to be difficult, and honestly with three virile male lions, all feeling the confines of being close to one another, I needed to keep things as civil as possible. At least for now.
Our new group, more than tripled in size, got moving, heading toward the Emperor’s Throne. I let Steve and Darcy lead, and
motioned for Lila to stay with Maks, which she happily did, chirping something into his ear as I put some distance between us.
I held Balder back so I was riding next to Ford who brought up the rear with Merlin.
“Hey, how are you?” I said softly. He’d been my rock when I’d needed it, after I’d lost Maks. Sure, I’d figured out quickly that my love for Maks wasn’t going away, but in my darkest hours, Ford had been there, and he’d held me. Just that, just a love so straightforward that he could offer it to me without expecting anything in return. And I was grateful for it. He’d gone when I’d sent him—although not really willingly—to protect the others of the pride that Ishtar had taken. Ford had been the enforcer and protector I’d needed him to be in our pride.
“Alpha.” He bowed his head in my direction, his voice flat and carefully emotionless. “Can I help you with something?”
My lips tightened and a flare of anger shot through me. “Really?”
He looked straight ahead. “You give the commands, and I follow. That’s all you ever wanted from me.”
I pulled a short riding quirt that I rarely used from the back of my saddle and swung it, smacking him across the arm. “You ass. Did you even say hello to your brother? Did you even ask how we were? How we survived?”
He shot me a surprised look, his jaw dropping. “Did you just hit me?”
“Did you really think that . . .” I shook my head, not sure how to tell him that I loved him, that if Maks had died, or if Maks had not been in my life, I could see my future with Ford. I could see us laughing and holding each other through dark and cold days. But how cruel would it have been to tell him those things, to tell him that he was second in my heart? Even if second in my heart was pretty amazing when I thought there would never be anyone in there again, never mind two amazing men.
There was no way he would appreciate that, no way he could understand. I had to try to make him understand how much he meant to me, though. I had to get him to see that he was important. That he was meant to be here with all of us.
“Did I think what?” His voice softened and I took note that we’d fallen farther behind.
“That I didn’t love you?” I wanted to curse myself for saying those words. “Ford . . . in another place . . . another time . . .” I looked away from him as the emotions flowed over me. Because I’d seen into his heart when I’d healed him, when he’d been dying and I’d brought him back. And I was pretty sure I didn’t deserve his love, not like that. I’d seen the depth of his feelings and just how he viewed me, and it changed me. “Maks is my heart,” I whispered. “The other half of my soul. But I see in you a good man, one that . . .” Gods, this was hard.
“One that you don’t want to be with,” he said simply, looking away from me.
“That’s the problem,” I said softly. “I want you to stay in the pride. I want you close to me for different reasons than I want Maks close to me. Maks and I are made the same, part Jinn, part shifter, and there are pieces of that no full-blooded shifter will ever understand.” Ford shot a look at me, his eyes widening. I nodded, and forced myself to go on. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t see all the things that could have been. Does that make sense?”
Ford frowned, his hands tightening on the edge of the saddle. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone, Zam. I’ve met other shifters before. I’ve been with my share of them to pass long lonely nights, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I’ve always been meant to be with you. That all my life, I’ve wandered the desert looking for you when I was supposed to be looking for my brother. And it was you I found. Not Darcy, not Kiara. You.”
I closed my eyes as the tears streamed down my cheeks, glad that everyone else had moved on ahead of us. Glad for at least this semblance of privacy. Of course, I’d forgotten Merlin, seeing as he was being pulled by Ford.
“There is an answer to this, if you care to hear it,” he said from his stretcher.
I swiped away the tears on my cheeks, hating that my heart was being such a traitorous thing when I had Maks back. Just the thought of him lightened the ache in my heart, but it didn’t completely wash away the literal heartache that was happening here.
“And what is that?” Ford asked. “What solution could you possibly have?”
Merlin sighed. “Did it ever occur to you that your love for her came on strong? That it was sudden and fierce? And you, Zam, did you not wonder when you saw into him how much he didn’t see your flaws? That when you first met him, he was obnoxious and rude, and thought so little of you? How quickly you saw him change?”
I wasn’t sure I liked what he was saying. “What are you trying to get at?”
“Well, you see, I didn’t think Maks was good for you. He was part Jinn, after all,” Merlin said. I looked at Ford, horror flickering through me.
“What did you do?”
“Well, not me, but Flora might have nudged him in that direction . . .” Merlin trailed off. “Because I asked her to. Because I thought Ford would be a better fit and that he’d be the steady, calming force you needed in your life to see you through what was coming your way. I thought with Ford, you’d be stronger.”
There was a quiet moment while the wind of the desert swept by us, tangling my hair up, tugging at the edges of my cloak. The sun had just set and the day was bleeding into nightfall and all I could think was that Ford hadn’t ever really loved me. That it was a spell. It hurt, as weirdly as I should have been relieved.
Because his love for me was fake.
But what I’d felt—and still felt—for him was not. Now it was my turn to look away, to hide the emotions.
“You should release him from whatever fucking spell she put on him,” I said. “It’s not fair to mess with people’s hearts like that!”
Ford reached across the distance between us and put a hand on my forearm. “Even if it started out as a spell, it isn’t now. And the spell wasn’t on you, was it?”
I shook my head and clamped down on my emotions. “Doesn’t matter, it isn’t fair to you.”
I wanted all this to be a trick, so I wouldn’t feel like such a shit for hurting my friend more. Hell, he was practically my brother-in-law. I groaned. “Merlin, let him go.”
“The spell is done, it dissipated. Basically, it gave him time to figure out that he really did like you, that you were good for him too.” Merlin groaned as the travois hit a rock, bouncing him. I didn’t feel bad, not for a second.
“Why?” The question blurted out of me. “I mean, it shouldn’t matter who I end up with, does it?”
Merlin let out a sigh that turned into a low moan. “Maybe, maybe not. So many prophecies out there. I thought Ford stronger than Maks. Maks is a Jinn, but before he took on the power of a master, he wasn’t terribly strong.” He paused and coughed. “How long since you’ve read the journals that belonged to your mother?”
I shook my head and even though his eyes were closed, Merlin nodded. “That’s what I thought. You should read them. The time is coming that they will guide you to your destiny.”
11
Riding slowly, the early morning sun not yet hot on our backs, I knew Merlin was trying to direct me once more—I just didn’t know in what direction. I only knew I didn’t like how he changed the discussion from how he and Flora had warped Ford’s mind and heart to be in love with yours truly, to my mother’s journal papers somehow making my destiny known to me. My jaw ticked and it took everything in me not to kick the stretcher, to deliberately tip it over and throw him onto the ground.
That would teach the meddling mage to stay out of my business. Yeah, probably not, but one could hope.
“Ford, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be that woman for you,” I said, ignoring Merlin’s not-so-subtle push to change the discussion. “I’m sorry that you think I don’t care, but that’s not the case at all. I do care about you, far more than I want to. Because the people around me are always in danger. They’re always being drawn into fights that could end u
p getting them killed. And I think that if you died . . . I don’t know that I would ever be the same.” I finally looked at him. “You are family to me, Ford. You were from that first moment in the Oasis. Maybe not the mate you want me to be, but you are family in every other sense of the word.”
Ford was quiet as he looked me straight in the eyes, the gold depths mixed with sorrow and a longing that I could never fill for him. “I don’t know if I can stay with the pride. I don’t know if I can watch you with him, even though I love you both. It’s why I haven’t spoken to him, I’m afraid I’ll hit him.”
I shouldn’t have expected anything else, and yet it still cut into me. I swallowed hard, or tried to swallow past the lump in my throat growing with each second that ticked by. “I understand.”
I didn’t, not really. Because even when Steve cheated on me, I’d stayed with the pride because that’s what you did. You stayed loyal to your people. I urged Balder into a trot, putting distance between me and Ford and fucking Merlin.
But I didn’t catch up to the others either. Lila twisted around and looked back, saw me and flew right to me, landing on the front of my saddle. “Why are you crying? What did that jerk say?” She snaked her head around so she could give Ford the evil eye. “Do I need to spit on him? I’m telling you, all men really are assholes.”
I smiled through the hurt and shook my head. “No. I just wish I understood what my heart is trying to do to me. I do care for him, Lila.”
“But not the way you love Maks.” She stated it simply. “Maks is special, and he fits with you like no one else, and a lot of that is all you’ve been through together.” Lila shrugged and gave me a wink. “Much as I would have liked some cubs between you and Ford, I’ll settle for cubs between you and Maks. They’ll be cute little mongrels.”
A quiet laugh escaped me. “Ford still loves me, and because of that, he is probably going to leave the pride,” I said softly. That hurt, almost as much as him still loving me. Because I would never abandon someone I loved, not unless I had no other choice, and even then, I wasn’t sure I would walk away. Hell, look at how long I’d stayed in the pride with Steve moving on to Kiara and others. I’d stayed because there were others there I loved, others I needed to protect.
Emperor’s Throne: Desert Cursed Series, Book 6 Page 9