Wearing cheap white shirts and a single pair of jeans for the entire 3 to 14 days
Using CouchSurfing.com or a similar service to live in hosts’ homes for free, even if in your own city
Eating only A) instant oatmeal and/or B) rice and beans
Drinking only water and cheap instant coffee or tea
Cooking everything using a Kelly Kettle. This is a camping device that can generate heat from nearly anything found in your backyard or on a roadside (e.g., twigs, leaves, paper)
Fasting, consuming nothing but water and perhaps coconut oil or powdered MCT oil (see page 24 for more on fasting)
Accessing the Internet only at libraries
Oddly, you might observe that you are happier after this experiment in bare-bones simplicity. I often find this to be the case.
Once you’ve realized—and it requires a monthly or quarterly reminder—how independent your well-being is from having an excess of money, it becomes easier to take “risks” and say “no” to things that seem too lucrative to pass up.
There is more freedom to be gained from practicing poverty than chasing wealth. Suffer a little regularly and you often cease to suffer.
“If something offends you, look inward. . . . That’s a sign that there’s something there.”
Spirit animal: Hummingbird
* * *
Whitney Cummings
Whitney Cummings (TW: @WhitneyCummings, whitneycummings.com) is an L.A.-based comedian, actor, writer, and producer. She is executive producer and, along with Michael Patrick King, co-creator of the Emmy-nominated CBS comedy 2 Broke Girls. She has headlined with comics including Sarah Silverman, Louis C.K., Amy Schumer, Aziz Ansari, and others.
Her first 1-hour standup special, Whitney Cummings: Money Shot, premiered on Comedy Central in 2010 and was nominated for an American Comedy Award. Her second standup special, Whitney Cummings: I Love You, debuted on Comedy Central in 2014 and her latest special, Whitney Cummings: I’m Your Girlfriend, premiered on HBO.
Little-Known Fact
Both Whitney and Josh Waitzkin (page 577) recommend the book The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller.
“In Order for Art to Imitate Life, You Have to Have a Life”
“[In intensive therapy, similar to trauma therapy,] I had to replace a negative thought with a positive thought for 28 days. I got really worried. I was talking to my therapist and a bunch of people in my program, and I said, ‘I’m just really afraid that I’m not going to be as funny if I’m not as dark and in pain all the time.’
“It [turned out to be] the opposite, because I waste so much time trying to manage unhealthy relationships and having low self-esteem, and my perfectionism can be paralyzing. Perfectionism leads to procrastination, which leads to paralysis. I could go a couple of days without getting any writing done, because my self-esteem was too low. I didn’t think I was good enough. Just these old, obsolete messages and survival instincts.
“[Doing the work and therapy] has given me so much more mental energy, physical energy. I have much more balance in my life now, and I’m much more productive and much more vulnerable. As a writer, you have to be vulnerable. Before, I was so overworked, I was such a chronic workaholic that I didn’t have a life. And in order for art to imitate life, you have to have a life.”
TIM: “That’s a really profound statement.”
WHITNEY: “For me, art was imitating art because all I was doing was working.”
“People-Pleasing Is a Form of Assholery”
Whitney wrote, produced and starred in Whitney, which aired on NBC from 2011 to 2013:
“I was so apologetic and afraid of people not liking me, that . . . [I] slowed down the writing process and confused employees. In the room, people would pitch jokes, and I would just say ‘yes’ to all of them, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’d have to go later and change them, and then—all of a sudden—the script comes out and their jokes aren’t there, and they feel betrayed and lied to.
“When I first went in to Al-Anon [support group for addiction] I heard someone say, ‘People-pleasing is a form of assholery,’ which I just loved, because you’re not pleasing anybody. You’re just making them resentful because you’re being disingenuous, and you’re also not giving them the dignity of their own experience and [assuming] they can’t handle the truth. It’s patronizing.”
TF: After this conversation with Whitney I reread Lying by Sam Harris. The types of “white lies” Whitney describes can be hugely destructive, and Sam makes a compelling case for stopping the use of a wide spectrum of half-truths.
* * *
“Codependence is often used incorrectly. It’s when you look to other people to decide how you are feeling.”
* * *
Start with “I Love You”
During the first few minutes of our interview at a friend’s kitchen table, I noticed very faint tattoos on Whitney’s arm. It turns out they were done with white ink.
“I have a white tattoo on my lower left forearm that says ‘I love you,’ and I don’t think anyone has ever noticed it without me having to point it out. . . . I was struggling a little bit with patience and compassion. Again, I’m co-dependent. I grew up in an alcoholic home. . . . How we survived as children [was by exerting control whenever possible], as though ‘if I could just organize my drinks in the right row, I’m going to be fine.’ [As an adult] I found myself getting frustrated with people not doing things my way. . . . ‘I don’t like the way you’re doing things, I don’t like the way you’re saying that, I don’t like the way you’re sitting’; just everything . . . ‘Is he wearing flip-flops to work?’ It was just a way to not focus on myself. And I think ultimately, sometimes when we judge other people, it’s just a way to not look at ourselves; a way to feel superior or sanctimonious or whatever. My trauma therapist said every time you meet someone, just in your head say, ‘I love you’ before you have a conversation with them, and that conversation is going to go a lot better.
“It’s just an interesting little trick. For 28 days, when I met someone, whether it’s the lady at the DMV who’s making me wait 2 hours [or someone else], I would just assume everybody is doing the best they can with what they have, which is really hard for a lot of us to accept.”
It’s All Material
“When I first had money—I grew up without any money—I got a car. . . . It was a Lexus hybrid, and the first day I got it, I filled it up with diesel fuel. I destroyed it. It was awful. I got this great joke out of it, though, a 7-minute bit that probably paid for all the damage. So now, I’m in this place where when something bad happens, I think: ‘Oh, good, I can use that.’”
TF: I recently spotted a T-shirt in Manhattan that read bad decisions make good stories. Look for the silver lining, or at least consider sharing the dark lining. It might pay for your Lexus.
Break Your Heart Open, Buy a House
“There is a difference between getting your heart broken and getting your heart broken open. When it gets broken open, that’s where the meat is. That’s where you write great characters. That’s how you get vulnerable, and it’s important. As comedians, we pride ourselves on how tough we are, but we’re porcupines. Under there, it’s all marshmallow. [And] that’s where the gold is. . . .
“I remember sharing in an Al-Anon meeting something that really hurt my feelings. I said: ‘He did this, and then he did this . . .’ and people started laughing. I realized, ‘Oh, my God, this is funny because it’s happened to other people, and people are relating and it’s resonating.’ When you tell the truth about your embarrassing moments and show your shadow, a catharsis happens, which is what laughter is. I promise, if you just tell the truth and get your heart broken as a comedian, you will have a house.”
The Material Is 10% of It
TIM: “If you had 8 weeks to get someone ready to do 5 minutes on stage at an open
mic, what would you do?”
WHITNEY: “I would get them on stage the first night [and] every night for all of the 8 weeks, whether they have material or not. . . . The material is like 10% of it. Being comfortable on stage is all of it. So I would say, just get on stage. The first year and a half, two years of standup is just getting comfortable on stage. Your material doesn’t matter. . . .
“It took me a long time to realize that as soon as you get on stage, you need to address what the audience is already thinking. . . . I don’t know who said this quote, but ‘Comedians become comedians so they can control why people laugh at them.’
“The first couple of years, I had to address the last name Cummings in the beginning. Everyone was then like: ‘Cool, we don’t have to think about this anymore.’ Because people were like: ‘Did she just say Cummings? Is her last name Cummings?’ and then they’re distracted. So you have to take it off the table. ‘Can we move on here? Okay, my last name is Cummings, now let’s get to some other stuff.’”
TF: See Neil Strauss’s related strategy for “hater-proofing” on page 348.
What Pisses You Off?
To develop new material:
“What I’d do first is figure out what pisses you off. So people’s limitations piss you off, the airport bathrooms piss you off? What pisses you off? Comedy is, for the most part, just an obsession with injustice: This isn’t fair. . . . So what pisses you off? Louis C.K. says, ‘If you think about something more than three times a week, you have to write about it.’”
Whitney’s Definition of “Love”
“My definition of ‘love’ is being willing to die for someone who you yourself want to kill. That, in my experience, is kind of the deal.”
Equine Therapy
One of the most fascinating things Whitney introduced me to was equine therapy, which entails walking a horse across an enclosure with no bridle, solely using body language and intention. She did this at The Reflective Horse in the Santa Monica mountains in Southern California.
“The first thing you do is you pick a horse. There are four horses, all with various degrees of damage. She tells you about each one, and you choose your horse, which already says everything that she needs to know about you. It’s like a Rorschach test. Then, the first objective is get the horse from one end of the corral to the other, which is probably half a football field.
“So I’m thinking, ‘How do you get a horse with no reins from one end to the other without controlling it?’ You can’t use treats. I can’t use charm, I can’t use humor, I can’t use intelligence; I can’t use any of the things I rely on on a daily basis to manipulate and beguile people. Essentially, you have to use your intention.
“So, you let them know, ‘We’re going to the other end.’ You can use words if you want. As long as you’re saying something and meaning it, they’re going to buy it.
“It’s a way to practice being present and connected and having a consistent intention with these animals that are basically a mirror for your psyche. . . . I’ve almost learned [more] from that than any other book or therapy I’ve ever done. . . . Equine therapy is so fascinating because of what comes up, the way that we relate to horses says so much about the how we try to run businesses, marriages, relationships. It’s a metaphor for everything, because the way you do anything is the way you do everything.”
Making Coffee like a Slave
“I do it with almond milk and all-natural sugar. I had this woman come in and take all the carcinogens out of my house, so I’m making my own almond milk like an Amish slave these days.”
Damn, That Neil Gaiman’s Good
Whitney and I both love Neil Gaiman’s “Make Good Art” commencement speech, which he gave at Philadelphia’s University of the Arts. I’ve watched the video dozens of times on YouTube during rough periods. Our mutual favorite portion is “The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” And, yes, I know I’ve mentioned this before. It bears repeating.
✸ Who does Whitney think of as a standup comedy “monster,” a true master?
Bill Burr.
✸ Underrated comedians to pay attention to
Sebastian Maniscalco (totally clean, no cursing, all performance)
Jerrod Carmichael
Natasha Leggero
Tig Notaro
Chris D’Elia
Neil Brennan (co-creator of Chappelle’s Show with Dave Chappelle)
“Happiness is wanting what you have.”
“Penguins are basically feathered sausages for polar bears.”
Spirit animal: Forest hen
* * *
Bryan Callen
Bryan Callen (TW: @bryancallen, bryancallen.com) is a world-class comic and prolific actor. He travels the globe performing standup for sold-out audiences, and regularly appears on shows like Kingdom and The Goldbergs, as well as in films such as Warrior, The Hangover, and The Hangover 2. He hosts a top iTunes podcast called The Fighter and the Kid with former UFC fighter Brendan Schaub (TW: @brendanschaub).
The Three Things You Can’t Fake
“There are three things you can’t really fake: one is fighting, the second is sex, and the third is comedy. It doesn’t matter who your publicist is or how famous you are, man—if you don’t bring the money, it gets quiet in that room fast.”
Asking Personal Questions for Longevity in Comedy
“I think the way to write standup, if you want longevity in this business, at least for me, is to start by asking yourself personal questions. I write from this. I ask myself what I’m afraid of, what I’m ashamed of, who I’m pretending to be, who I really am, where I am versus where I thought I’d be. . . . If you watched yourself from afar, if you met yourself, what would you say to yourself? What would you tell you?”
Impactful Books
Bryan is one of the best-read humans I know. He is voracious, and I often ask him for book recommendations. Illusionist David Blaine credits Bryan with being the first person to get him to read extensively. They met when Blaine was in theater school, and Bryan told him: “The difference between the people you admire and everybody else [is that the former are] the people who read.” Here are a few of Bryan’s favorites:
“I remember reading Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. That’s good fodder for a young man. It sets these bold, stark characters—you could even call them Christ figures—and you think to yourself, ‘I want to be that.’ Of course, I read Nietzsche. On the Genealogy of Morality, etc., where the truths and truisms are really cut and dried in a lot of ways. It’s the equivalent of, I guess, intellectual red meat. But then I got into Joseph Campbell—The Power of Myth and The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Joseph Campbell was the first person to really open my eyes to [the] compassionate side of life, or of thought. . . . Campbell was the guy who really kind of put it all together for me, and not in a way I could put my finger on. . . . It made you just glad to be alive, [realizing] how vast this world is, and how similar and how different we are.”
✸ Most-gifted or recommended books?
“You’re going to think I’m plugging you, but I probably have recommended The Art of Learning [by Josh Waitzkin, page 577] and The 4-Hour Body, I’m not kidding, more than any other books.”
What Would You Say in a College Commencement Speech?
“Well, I would say that if you are searching for status, and if you are doing things because there’s an audience for it, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree.
“I would say, ‘Listen to yourself.’ Follow your bliss, and Joseph Campbell, to bring it back around, said, ‘There is great security in insecurity.’ We are wired and programmed to do what’s safe and what’s sensible. I don’t think that’s the way to go. I think you do things because they are just things
you have to do, or because it’s a calling, or because you’re idealistic enough to think that you can make a difference in the world.
“I think you should try to slay dragons. I don’t care how big the opponent is. We read about and admire the people who did things that were basically considered to be impossible. That’s what makes the world a better place to live.”
“When people seem like they are mean, they’re almost never mean. They’re anxious.”
* * *
Alain de Botton
Alain de Botton (TW: @alaindebotton, alaindebotton.com) is many things, but I think of him as a rare breed of practical philosopher. In 1997, he turned away from writing novels and instead wrote an extended essay titled How Proust Can Change Your Life, which became an unlikely blockbuster. His subsequent books have been described as a “philosophy of everyday life” and include Essays in Love, Status Anxiety, The Architecture of Happiness, The News: A User’s Manual, and Art as Therapy. In 2008, Alain helped start The School of Life in London, a social enterprise determined to make learning and therapy relevant in modern culture.
Don’t Attribute to Malice That Which Can Be Explained Otherwise
“Wasn’t it Bill Clinton who said that when dealing with anyone who’s upset, he always asks, ‘Has this person slept? Have they eaten? Is somebody else bugging them?’ He goes through this simple checklist. . . . When we’re handling babies and the baby is kicking and crying, we almost never once say, ‘That baby’s out to get me’ or ‘She’s got evil intentions.’”
Tools of Titans Page 49